Husband says we’re over

[At17]

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

@At17

I've been lurking on here and couldn't help but say I am so impressed with how you've handled this. Classy and together lady, you've been so strong

That’s so kind of you (and others) to say I’m doing well. Honestly though, I’m giving such an edited view of myself on here! I’ve spent quite some time just furious in pyjamas or weeping into my dog’s fur.

That said, I do feel determined right now and putting my children at the centre of everything is really helping with that. They need me, and falling to pieces just isn’t on the list of options.

I don’t think I’d be this calm right now without all the support on here. Friends in real life have been great but this thread has given me the ultimate safe space. Plus, amazing advice regarding the finances. I think he was utterly blindsided that I moved the savings and it gave me a feeling of real empowerment. I earn enough to cover most bills but the savings give the children and me a safety cushion. I realise I’m extremely lucky to be in that position.

I have lovely plans today, driving to Suffolk to see a friend I haven’t met up with in years. This situation has also made me realise how much I’ve disconnected from my friends because my husband never wanted to socialise. Well, not with me anyway! I shouldn’t have let the friendships go, I know, but I am looking forward to re-establishing them.

I hope you and your children have a lovely weekend, At17. You really are doing so brilliantly. Please don't forget to make another thread soon so that we can go on supporting you. I've been thinking about you all week. Gotta go out now. Take care of yourself.

It sounds like you'll have a new, more interesting and exciting life to lead OP! ok, it hasn't happened how you would like (understatement!), but it seems you are beginning to realise your husband gradually made your world smaller and smaller, and now it can expand. You are free to be you!

Good news, you will soon discover that your "depression" was due to him.
Here is a perfect example. You adhered to his rules at the detriment of your own wants & needs
Have a fab day !

Reconnecting with old friends and spending more time with present friends was one of the most valuable things I did in the aftermath. Have a lovely time today.

Perfectly correct to allocate plenty of time to hours and hours of ugly, snotty crying in your jim-jams ..... it’s called processing, getting it all out and there will be a milf sense of release and relief - and yes finding your power and strength in your single minded focus to support and protect your children means that you cannot waste any of that focus and energy to his laughable cliched shenanigans. It’s a long physically and mentally exhausting road - so make sure that you are all as emotionally protected as possible and that you have many rest periods built in to restore, reflect and reenergise.

I would also get ahead of him on the contact arrangements (agreed with your DCs, DCs need to know that THEY can be flexible) and in the financial and legal stuff. Push the start buttons on all of that, take control of securing your children’s emotional, practical and financial future. That will be a big reality check for him.
It’s been less than two weeks and you have climbed mountains. Rest up for the weekend.

mild not milf !!

Don't put yourself down! You sound fantastic.

And if you need a name change any time in the future might I be so bold as to suggest FuriousInPyjamas

Another lurker here who has been watching and silently rooting for you. I went through a very similar experience and can identify strongly with everything you have said.

You are showing such strength and integrity as you prioritise and protect your children, disconnect from him and start making practical decisions about money, legalities and logistics.

Hold on to these good days, when you feel empowered, because they will sustain you through the inevitable bad days when doubts and setbacks creep in.

You are learning that your husband is not the man you thought he was. Well, let him learn that his wife is not the weak, submissive pushover that he hoped you would be when he sprang his carefully orchestrated plan. As it turns out, he never really knew you either, or what reserves of grit you could draw on when needed.

Very, very smart move, re-establishing friendships and filling your free time and your heart with people who value you and make you feel loved and appreciate you and your DC. I’m so proud of you!!!

I would absolutely be honest and not cover for him. He can manage his own relationship with them.

do not cover for him

Your comment about reconnecting with friends really resonated with me.. I caught up with so many people I'd let slide - one of whom I used to be so close to but, being male and having his shit together, my ExH felt incredibly threatened by. My friend got married last year and I got to play a significant part in that, sonething that would never have happened had I still been married.

I hope you have the very best of weekends

Reconnecting with friends and having the chance to do the things you would like to do and rediscover yourself is one of the positive sides of finding yourself a victim of the MLC. You will be in charge of your own destiny rather than being a slave to his wishes, needs and control.

I've my fingers crossed for you and the children for a much happier future together as a team of three.

You're all in the eye of the storm just now but one day, hopefully soon, the clouds will part and there will be a beautiful rainbow and then sunnier days ahead for you and the kids.

Life will be so much better without Mr Fun Sponge and his selfish attitude, huge ego and mantrums.

Have a lovely day out today and best wishes for the rest of the weekend

I think it's his job to maintain his relationship with the kids, not your job to do it for him. Is he seeing them much atm, or is he in hiding from them? Maybe a phone call with them would force him to do some of the explaining instead of it all having to come from you?

At17 I lurk on this post as it is so similar to the situation I am in. I'm a few weeks ahead of you but I spent too long in the 'he's in trouble, I must help him' phase
I totally understand how this post helps you, it helps me and it's not even about me! I'm new to mumsnet but already appreciate the loveliness of everyone taking the time to post helpful, supportive messages to unknown people.
Re: kids - Our kids are similar ages, I have been truthful with them at every stage, age appropriate and never bad mouth him BUT they know the truth about everything without the nasty details.

Enjoy your weekend, I'll be regularing visiting the thread for updates and sending you good wishes and strength every step of the way.

Just wanted to say I hope you and dc have a lovely weekend. Like others I think you’ll find your past depression was in part to his subtle controlling ways that you didn’t notice at the time. Now the blinkers are off you’ll start to see just how much he was controlling the home set up, newspaper is a good example but so is his current rewriting of history, he still thinks he has a right to run the show. He doesn’t, you both get equal say. Use it.

Pay attention to what he’s trying to control and make a plan now. Get one step head in terms of contact with dc. Speak to your dc about how they want to organise it, what do they want. Draw up a plan that they’re happy with and email it. And block him on text, screen shot his texts first though so you have a record, he doesn’t get to dump his thoughts and frustrations on you and run away.

Set up an email folder so anything from him gets diverted there. Only deal with it when you’re in a strong frame of mind.

In your email set out that he is responsible for his relationship with his children, you will always tell them the truth of what happened / is happening so point out his lies when you met to break the news. He needs to tell the truth at all times. Call out his rewriting of facts. He doesn’t get to manipulate you all with this. Explain the plan is what the children have said they want, he can negotiate with them initially but going forward he has to stick to whatever is agreed. They need him to be consistent. If he can’t do this of course it will turn his dc against him but that is his responsibility so he needs to step up. Then it’s down to him not to let them down. Good luck

Have a lovely weekend OP. And I echo the PP who have asked that you don't be so hard on yourself!
I saw a Facebook post the other day (I know, but bear with me) that said when a baby learns to walk, we praise the parts where they pull themselves back up and shuffle a few steps, we don't dwell on the bits where they fall down.

He’s angry now because I told our daughter he’s not coming back. He left a voicemail. “That wasn’t up to you! We might have worked things out! You’re just making me look like the villain in all of this!”

Please tell me again that this will get better. I feel it in my heart but every day is a new punch in the guts.

It is up to you. You do get to decide if he is allowed to come back. If you don't want him to come back.

He's absolutely wrong.

“That wasn’t up to you! We might have worked things out!

what. a. twat.

he really never considered you had your own mind/life/dreams at all, did he?

Let me guess, you’ve spent the last 20yrs wiping his arse? A lot of your depression over the years will have been because you’ve been shackled to a selfish douche bag. He’s taken you for granted so much that he could just waltz back home and you’d welcome him with open arms! He’s a piece of work, he really is.

Hugs to you OP.

He said he was leaving and there was no fixing it. He didn't want to be married anymore.

Was he expecting to have his jollies with his special friend then come back when he/she got bored and carry on as normal? Script chapter.......

You've not made him the villian. All you have done is be truthful with your daughter. He said it was over.

What a total hf he is!

@At17 I haven't posted yet but just wanted to add that you are handling this amazingly well. You absolutely do have the right to tell your daughter he isn't coming back. Stringing your daughter along with false hope is horrific. After the things he has said to you, how he has been miserable for so long etc and how he's been behaving there is no way he's acting like someone trying to save his marriage. Keep doing what you're doing and know we're all rooting for you.

Oh and you need to start a new thread as this one is fast filling up! Please link to it so we can keep on supporting you

Hi op

I think he's probably finding out now, that when the secrets out, the shine sort of falls off the fantasy.

All the secret assignations and stolen moments are thrilling because of the secrecy, once the cold hard light of day is let in, the harshness of life and their
choices creep in.

He thought he had a safety cushion to fall back on, you have taken that away from him, by taking back control from him. He's shocked because your not sitting around begging him to come back.

Instead he's been left on the back foot because you've taken the savings, and told the kids. You have pulled the rug, and he's angry.

It's called Karma lovely, and whether you believe in it or need to know it now, you have delivered it beautifully.

KOKOM💐