Husband says we’re over

[At17]

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

He’s fuming because you’re not doing the pick me dance. Has he always been so arrogant?

Hope you had a good day out OP.

I would be tempted to reply that rather than sending confusing texts and voicemails to your phone to pass on to them that he organises to speak with the children in person so that they can ask all the questions they need to ask direct to him and he can then give them straight answers rather than getting their hopes up or deceiving them. If it comes straight from the horses mouth then you can't be accused of twisting his words but he needs to figure out what he's playing at asap. His kids need the truth. You don't know what he's thinking only he can tell them what's going on as he's kept you in the dark about all of this. He is angry and taking it out on you rather than accepting responsibility for his own actions.

It will get better OP. Hugs

I think this is part of the You Made Me Do It script. The marriage might have been saved if only OP hadn't told their daughter. But she did, so there's no hope now. It's all OPs fault.

I mean, we knew it must be. It was just a matter of how, exactly.

I suspect after nearly 2 weeks of living back at Mummys the dream of adventure has been replaced by harsh reality.
The fact that people now know in RL at work and in your friendship groups what a deceitful sh*t he has been to his family and the fact that some may have called him out on it will have come as a bit of a shock to his fragile ego.

I wonder if his special friend has dropped him like a hot potato and moved on now that the EA could become a physical one or has she perhaps tried to reconcile with her own husband. Who knows but I agree he can't give false hope to you or his children. That's just not on.

Hugs

Oh my lord he really is a piece of work!!! I’m so full of sympathy @At17 what a want spanner

I actually laughed when I read this because it’s so tragically predictable! Now the cold light of day has hit & hes realised that absolutely no one thinks his behaviour is anything other than an enormous cliche, he’s panicking.

I think he genuinely thought he’d swan off with OW to cheers & applause fir his bravery in starting a new adventure. You’d and the dc would obviously be on his side because you’d want him to be happy and at the back of his mind he always thought he could come back because you needed him more than he needed you

My how his littke fantasy world has bern shattered and he deserves everything coming his way

“That wasn’t up to you! We might have worked things out!"

He really thinks that? After all the shitty things he said to you, and about you??

It was absolutely up to you. And it would be 100% up to you to tell him to go and fuck himself with any ideas he might have of working things out. He's relinquished any rights to even think about what you might choose to do.

You know the truth. Keep holding onto that as he tries to manipulate you and turn things around.

Your daughter needed to hear the truth from you. You were acting in her best interests.

You have done nothing wrong.

@At17 please start a new thread and post the link here so we can keep buoying you up. He's capable of undermining you dangerously.

God... he must have thought he was the epicentre of your universe. What a rude awakening he is having!! You will be so, so much better off without him even if it's awful right now. And the kids will look back at this later and see precisely who had their best interests at heart and who fucked off and left them. He's an arsehole. You are excellent and doing brilliantly. Stay strong 💪🏻

You’d and the dc would obviously be on his side because you’d want him to be happy and at the back of his mind he always thought he could come back because you needed him more than he needed you

My how his littke fantasy world has bern shattered and he deserves everything coming his way

He's maybe realised in reality that he actually needed you much more than you've needed him. He didn't see your strength before because he wore the trousers around the home and you tiptoed around him but now you've got your courage he will be shocked at your grit and determination. You can all survive (and his favourite word) thrive without him and that's probably scared the sh*t out of him!

It was said upthread but I think it needs repeating. To save yourself this headfuck Tell him to email you about arrangements regarding the children and official bits and you will reply at your convenience then block his number.

He is using you as his emotional punchbag taking little digs at you and telling you how you should be behaving. Please take this power away from him. Deal with him on your terms.

Perhaps it's time to do as others have advised and block his number and correspond only via emails.
I mean, really ?
He seriously thinks you should all (you and your DC) be dancing to his tune ?
You have been so strong At17 - I hope you continue to be so.

He could have discussed the situation and answered any questions the children had on Thursday when they wanted to see him if he could have been arsed to spend time with them.

I'm not one to swear in RL but I'd be tempted to tell him to GTF after asking for all future correspondence to be by email only like PP have said (screenshot all his texts and save voicemails for the solicitor first) and then block the SOAB!

I'd really like to give him a piece of my mind. He needs to quit this cat and mouse controlling sh*t!

Shows what he really thinks of himself that he believes he can walk back in if he changes his mind.

Reality is starting to sink in. He might try and rewrite history for you but he can't for the kids. They will see him for what he is. You don't need to criticise him, the truth is enough.

Don’t let him bring you down. You have done nothing wrong. He left you to have his new adventure. All you have done is tell the DC the truth, he isn’t coming back. Not sure where he thinks it’s up to him to tell them and then suggest you could be working things out. Narcissistic arse. Clearly his new found adventure isn’t as he thought it would be.

Just reply with that big thumbs up emoji.....

You have done the right thing - honest with your DD. Detach now and enjoy your weekend with your friends.

It's been said up thread but do look at chump lady .com. She responds to lots of women getting this kind of crap from their exes and she nails their cake-and-eat-it logic to the wall. It's also a good reminder that plenty of other lovely women have found themselves in this position without deserving it. You're not alone.

"You've rewritten history to pretend you never wanted to be married, never wanted family life, and haven't wanted to be here for the last 10 years. That's what you said to me. You also claimed you were planning to leave when the children grew up, but couldn't wait any more.

"What on earth makes you think we'd 'work things out' and I'd have you back after such vile cruelty and outright lies about our life together. Plus, there's the OW you've lied about.

"Of course I had every right to be honest with our DD. You're not coming back. You made this choice. And you are no longer welcome to come back. And she has a right to know that.

"I'll let you know my solicitor's details. Please do not contact me directly again."

Yep @plightofthealbatross has nailed a reply to him right there!

(This thread will be full after 1000 messages @At17 and we won't be able to comment further so please start a new one when you can so that we can all continue to offer advice and support to you)

You making decisions makes him very angry doesn't it

You make your decisions, and have a wondeful weekend away OP, you deserve it.

I can't believe that he thinks having done what hes done to you all, he can just come back in!

Quite rightly you shut slammed the door behind him . Now keep it bolted!

Gosh what a dick. He really did think no matter what he said or did you would sit around, let him do whatever and accept him back without hesitation.

I do believe what some of the others say. Once you are over the initial shock and upset I do wonder if your depression will lessen.

I have just read the whole thread. Why on earth would he rush to tell your kids he was leaving if he was thinking that you could work it out? And why would he say he never wanted to get married in the first place if he thought there was a chance of fixing things. He is making no sense whatsoever. I know it is impossible right now, but try and see all those texts as his immature way of trying to justify his actions and keep control of the situation and his image. It is no reflection on you at all. You are the one acting calm and measured even when you don't feel it and putting your kids first.

ExDH had a bit of a mid life crisis and left me and DC for OW many years ago
Eventually they got married karma struck when she cheated on him
ExDH now on wife no 3 but apparently regrets his actions and wishes he’d stayed with me - tough!
When DC were young I didn’t bad mouth him but always answered questions truthfully and hopefully age appropriately
They continue to have a relationship with him but are not that close and as adults see him realistically ie quite selfish and a bit weak
A while ago DD met up with him for lunch and he pulled the old ‘I know I’ve not been the best of Dads......’ cue reply required of course you have - massage ego etc
DD agreed he had been a crap father and told him why in no uncertain terms - which made my day

@JaceLancs I thought for a minute I'd written a post and forgotten, when I read yours!
OP don't cover for him when he tells the children a lie, such as "We've been trying for months", but equally, don't bad mouth him. My best move after the initial shock and distress was continuing to be loving towards him, and being ultra nice and friendly to the other woman. She was a nasty piece of work, and she could not work out why I was acting how I was... sending her a birthday card signed with love every year. My cards to him always signed "With my love always", which I knew she would not like, and would make her feel a little insecure. What all that did, though, was keep a loving friendly relationship going with him, which has helped my children immeasurably through the years. We split in 1990, he's with his 3rd wife now, and I'm with my 2nd husband and couldn't be happier. Family occasions are no problem for any of us, because nobody has to say "Dad will be there, is that OK?" They know that we're always very happy to see each other. The horrendous pain I felt when we split is a dim and distant memory. I'm thankful for it now, because without it, I'd never have experienced the happiness I have now with my lovely husband.