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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says we’re over

999 replies

At17 · 20/10/2019 14:06

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

OP posts:
Greenkit · 20/10/2019 16:57

I feel like an utter laughing stock.

Channel this energy into packing his stuff up

TheSandman · 20/10/2019 16:58

FOUR POSTS! Four posts in and "THE OTHER WOMAN" is whipped out as the only reason that a marriage fails or a man becomes unhappy.

We (I am a man) are more complex than our sex drives. We have other reasons for getting bored / fractious / restless / feeling trapped in what can turn into an endless childcare arrangement instead of a marriage.

I don't know, maybe this bloke IS suddenly aware of getting older and not having as much fun as the rest of the men of his age group are having (though 90% of that 'fun' is either made up or grossly exaggerated - like most things masculine), Maybe he IS yearning for the missed opportunities and interesting sex/life he used to have (90% made up or not) but don't automatically assume that is the ONLY reason.

HandsOffMyRights · 20/10/2019 16:59

Oh bore off TheSandman

rvby · 20/10/2019 16:59

OP you have behaved with honour and grace. You're not a laughing stock. Hes behaving like a teenage boy.

Keep your head high lass.

IDrinkAndISewThings · 20/10/2019 17:00

Other woman or not, if he's decided it's over and you're at all uncomfortable with the idea of platonically cohabiting, then out he goes. Yes it's tough explaining his departure to the kids, but worse than them seeing you suffer and start to resent every sock left for you to wash and meal left for you to cook while he shares your home but sleeps around? Tell him he's made his bed and now he can lie in it, elsewhere.

fedup21 · 20/10/2019 17:00

Shes not the OW. She’s a friend who also left her marriage this week

Err, I doubt that.

GrumpiestCat · 20/10/2019 17:00

Solicitor solicitor solicitor. They can be strong for us when we can't be. Honestly they'll help you make sense of what's happening. It's like when you've given birth and then have to parent this new baby when exhausted, this terrible shock makes it so hard to make sensible choices. You'll be ok. Really. Flowers

TheSandman · 20/10/2019 17:00

Charming.

CarolDanvers · 20/10/2019 17:01

I don't know, maybe this bloke IS suddenly aware of getting older and not having as much fun as the rest of the men of his age group are having (though 90% of that 'fun' is either made up or grossly exaggerated - like most things masculine), Maybe he IS yearning for the missed opportunities and interesting sex/life he used to have (90% made up or not) but don't automatically assume that is the ONLY reason.

Maybe. At least he can talk it over with the "friend" he's gone to meet. She will get it, having just left her own husband and marriage this week too...

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2019 17:01

The sandman, no one is assuming it's the only reason,, calm down, but it's a very common reason. And it's very odd this man has went to meet a woman who also left her husband this week.

rvby · 20/10/2019 17:03

We (I am a man) are more complex than our sex drives. We have other reasons for getting bored / fractious / restless / feeling trapped in what can turn into an endless childcare arrangement instead of a marriage. yes, sure. And most men have such limited emotional skills that they need a woman to facilitate and soothe every change they go through. So typically they only take major leaps when there is a woman there to break the fall.

You can hate it as much as you like, but that's what our society is set up for, women hanging around to facilitate the whims of men, who haven't the faintest clue what they are feeling and how to.cope with it.

Ops story is the point of view version of that story.

HUZZAH212 · 20/10/2019 17:03

Ah yes the been unhappy for years story. So unhappy whilst benefiting from sex with you, and you juggling the childcare and running the house. Probably making his meals and doing his washing. Amazingly he managed to bravely struggle on 'all those miserable years without complaint'... Right up to the point he started shagging someone else 😒 Don't let him have the luxury of staying in your family home upsetting you and the kids whilst probably figuring out how he can pay you the least amount of support possible.

Derbee · 20/10/2019 17:04

@TheSandman. So your wife tells you randomly that she’s not happy and it’s over. She goes over to her male friends house for support. The same male friend who has coincidentally left his wife the same week. And you’re not at all suspicious?

You’re either very trusting, or very stupid.

GrumpiestCat · 20/10/2019 17:04

Of course it could be a bunch of other reasons. It's the voice of experience, frequently TheSandman. My XH now living with his "confidante"... I don't know for sure they were banging before we separated but they sure as hell were once we were.

Choice4567 · 20/10/2019 17:04

FlowersFlowers

Drabarni · 20/10/2019 17:04

Who is she? This would be my constant question until he moved out. So sorry you are going through this, it sounds like they aren't ready to move in with each other yet and he's waiting with you, until they can move in together.
He's saying he hasn't been happy in years to justify having an affair.
Get him to tell the kids, it's not your job, he's the one who wants to leave.

ashtrayheart · 20/10/2019 17:05

Sandman many men only get the gumption to leave their wives once they've lined up a new victim woman. This is played out time and time again. This does not mean every man of course Hmm
Hope you're ok OP. Sadly I think the same as others re the 'friend'.

Thankful2020 · 20/10/2019 17:05

You are not a laughing stock OP. Your husband is a cruel idiot. You trusted him. That is what should happen in a healthy marriage- trusting your OH. Unfortunately your husband has broken that trust. It’s not your fault and no sane person would laugh at you because of this so sorry OP. See a solicitor ASAP and try and get ahead of your husband.

suggestionsplease1 · 20/10/2019 17:07

Does it make sense that this woman might be someone he cold have become involved with? I know for me it was a question of trying to piece the puzzle together over the previous few weeks, and it all added up. My ex lied when I asked her but it was clear a few weeks later on when they were officially together.

If you can face it, get some questions together to ask him to try to find out if this is something that has been going on. You will probably have a good idea from his answers, expressions and body language if this is the case.

It's not a foregone conclusion, but I think it helps to know the full truth if there is an OW - the mental gymnastics of uncertainty were more painful for me at least.

Drabarni · 20/10/2019 17:07

Sorry missed one of your posts, he's gone to meet his mistress who left her dh for your dh this week.
I'm so sorry for you but please don't be stupid, she's his mistress.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 20/10/2019 17:07

Wtaf?! Of course that's the other woman

HolaWeenie · 20/10/2019 17:10

Huzzah212 👌 spot on.

Sorry you're going through this op, one day at a time.

Drabarni · 20/10/2019 17:17

OP, he's gone over to tell her that he's told you and that he plans to stay in the same house until they can be together.
Pack his bag and take it round, you'll catch them at it.

TheSandman · 20/10/2019 17:19

Sandman many men only get the gumption to leave their wives once they've lined up a new victim woman. This is played out time and time again. This does not mean every man of course hmm
Hope you're ok OP. Sadly I think the same as others re the 'friend'.

I will admit I typed my post before I read on about OP's posts about the friend who had left her husband - but the automatic assumption that there MUST be another woman (or man, as happened to a friend of mine when their kids were teens) in the pipeline...

For what it's worth, in this case, I think there is more to this 'friend' than the man is admitting - probably even to himself.

CarolDanvers · 20/10/2019 17:25

I've never yet read a thread on here where a man suddenly decided he wasn't happy and hadn't been for years who then ended his long term relationship, where there wasn't an OW involved. Often the OP would be adamant it wasn't possible, only to return a few days or weeks later having discovered the truth.

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