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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says we’re over

999 replies

At17 · 20/10/2019 14:06

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 20/10/2019 18:08

agree with everyone else im afraid op-

please go to a solicitor asap. start to get financial docs together. and...ask him to leave. its not fair to say you dont want to be with someone and them...be with them.

why are we certain its an affair?- well it usually is- we all know that- plus its the script- a previously happy, strong marriage, no real problems, plans for the future, contentment etc - then suddenly - almost overnight- the dh finds he hasnt been happy oh for years...

Costacoffeeplease · 20/10/2019 18:09

Methinks he doth protest too much

He’s pissed off that you’ve rumbled him

Time for the bin bags for his stuff, do it in front of him and dump them on the front step

Isitnearlyweekend · 20/10/2019 18:09

I hate to say this but he is unlikely to just want to leave unprompted by the involvement of another woman. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re at the beginning of a very stressful time but you will get through it. Good luck with everything x

PlasticPatty · 20/10/2019 18:11

OP, you must get legal and financial advice immediately. His wanting to hang around a while reeks of him looking how to get the best of everything.

This OW/not OW is a distraction. If he has another woman it will all come out in the end. Personally, I find the timing suspicious. She splits with her husband, suddenly he's leaving you? Hmm.

ashtrayheart · 20/10/2019 18:12

I wouldn't believe him necessarily, defensive anger is quite suspicious.
But other posters are right, either way the most important thing is getting matters in order and getting his sorry arse kicked out.

Derbee · 20/10/2019 18:12

@At17 in the kindest possible way, you only got suspicious in the first place when everyone pointed out how blindingly obvious it seemed that the friend and her marriage breakdown was suspicious.

Now you’ve asked him, he’s said no, and you’re taking his answer as gospel truth? Do yourself a favour, and do not trust him. You need to tell him to leave. Do not let him walk all over you.

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2019 18:16

Op. She's his friend not yours?

I'd also think the indignant response means he is having an affair with her or wishes to have a relationship with her.

I would suspect at some point in the near future they will "suddenly" start dating. I would imagine he's trying not to hurt you.

They will keep their relationship secret for a while, then pretend it's new and it only started after they split.

I'm sorry, but you need to take control here. I think it's truly game over.

HandsOffMyRights · 20/10/2019 18:17

Mine denied it. Got angry.

He'd even been seen holding hands with her that evening!

Lyingonthesofainthedark · 20/10/2019 18:17

I think he was bound to deny it. They almost always do.

ErickBroch · 20/10/2019 18:19

I think people are always too quick to jump to 'OW' but this time it seems pretty solid. I am so sorry OP x

candycane222 · 20/10/2019 18:23

Well, as Mandy Rice-Davies said, he would say that, wouldn't he? 'Hurt feelings' indeed. Angry

Gogreen · 20/10/2019 18:24

The friend is the OW. You can’t see it, but it’s obvious. Sorry OP

Fairylea · 20/10/2019 18:25

She’s definitely the other woman.

But you know what - as someone who’s had this happen to me and got divorced as a result of it- none of that actually matters. Mumsnet get caught up in the whole “there’s another woman” thing when actually it doesn’t make any difference. You can’t make someone love you. If it’s over then all you can do is focus on you, know it isn’t your fault and there’s nothing you could have done differently. He’s chasing the illusion of love - that first flush of romance that doesn’t ever last. Its tragic really.

You’ll come out of this stronger. I am 12 years on from this now. Had to downsize, lost my job at the same time, thought my life was over. Also found out my mil at the time was hiding his affair from me as he was seeing the ow whilst staying at his mums to visit etc. You name it, it was a shit sandwich. But I’m now happily remarried and have a good life. And it doesn’t hurt anymore. You’ll get there.

stucknoue · 20/10/2019 18:27

So sorry, been through this myself. I new it wasn't perfect but 20 years is a long marriage. He claims to have wanted to leave for 10 of those years. My advice is to keep talking. Do speak to the kids, they need to know but make them realise they matter most. He moved to the spare room for 6 months and recently moved out. Still on good terms though.

Yankeescot · 20/10/2019 18:28

Dearest OP, I feel for you I really do. Far too many of us have been down this road with almost identical experiences.

He's following the script to a T, especially his indignant response when he returned from meeting OW. Oops, I mean friend. Closing himself into another room to come up with his next line of lies. And gaslighting. He will try and turn it around onto you. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHNG WRONG, don't let him try to make you feel it's your fault.

I'd like to point out that in his response to you when questioned about OW, his response was indignation. He asked you how you could think that when he's been honest with you. He never actually said no. Which an innocent person would have responded with.

Keep coming on here for the support. Many of us have experienced this bullshit and are years out of it. You deserve better than this. xx

JenniferM1989 · 20/10/2019 18:30

She's the other woman OP. He can gaslight you all he likes and get 'angry' but the timing is very odd. They've both ended their marriages this week and have now met today for a cosy little chat.

Go up those stairs and tell him to get out of your sight and piss off or you'll be contacting this womans husband to inform him of their 'friendship' and how your husband has suddenly decided to end his marriage in the exact same week as she ended hers. It's blackmail yes but in these situations, it's needed to give you time to think and not have him gaslighting the hell out of the situation. Then tomorrow, seek legal advice

stucknoue · 20/10/2019 18:32

@Startingoveragain1

Mine said the same thing, I want something different. Of course what they mean is a younger model. Well 7 months on I have to leave you all for a couple of hours because I have a date! In fact I'm out nearly every night auditioning them. My message is that it's terrible, you grieve for the life you thought you had but then you move on. Money is tight of course but trying to be positive is the best for our own mental health. And I'm seeing so many movies!

HeyNotInMyName · 20/10/2019 18:37

@At17, regardless of whether there is an OW or not, he can take the initiative and say he doesn’t want to say married.
However, he doesn’t get to also say he wants to stay in the house, have someone clean, Cook etc.. for him. Maybe even have a bit of sex on the side too. Whilst he sorts out what he wants to do (regardless of whether it’s meeting up the OW, finding a flat or whatever).

I would go and see a sollicitor ASAP. See if you can find a good one tomorrow and sort out what information you need.
Tell him clearky he needs or move out of the house. Him staying whilst you know he doesn’t want to be there will be excruciating for you. Not for him because he has totally detached himself of course. But you need to take that control to protect yourself (and your dcs)

quincejamplease · 20/10/2019 18:39

You are not unloveable. Flowers

mummyway · 20/10/2019 18:44

So it sounds like he wants the benefits of having a wife while he decides whether he wants to keep his wife or not....whybshouldnit all be his choice

PicsInRed · 20/10/2019 18:44

Not the OW?

The fuck she isn't. The fuck.

Flowers

Get a good solicitor and get EVERYTHING you can. Financial settlement is a one time deal. Get it right the first and only time. Get everything you possibly can to ensure that you and your children are well taken care of - this cunt won't be putting any of you first, that's for certain.

BustedDreams · 20/10/2019 18:53

No words. Just empathise with you Flowers

willowmelangell · 20/10/2019 18:55

Aquamarine and Yankeescot are spot on. Hit the nail on the head.
He is upstairs messaging her. Indignant? Huffy? Sorry, no. He has manipulated you and got space for himself away from your awkward questions. He is telling her how reasonable you are being. How honest he is being with you.
I hope you have a giant roll of bin bags to pack his crap up. You are allowed to get emotional, teary, angry, anything you want.
If, IF, he genuinely was talking to someone about his problems, he would show you texts or tell you to phone them to prove he was.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 20/10/2019 18:56

You think his anger is an indication that it isn't her?

No, unfortunately, anger is typically an indication that you are correct.

user1479305498 · 20/10/2019 18:57

The cost chat is so they can sort stories/arrangements. I have known men leave who ‘were not happy’. But in all cases it was very obviously a very bad marriage. Not that it matters, but the reason they often deny is because they think you will go after them harder if another woman involved. If you really need to know, get a usb listening stick planted in his car .

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