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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says we’re over

999 replies

At17 · 20/10/2019 14:06

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

OP posts:
HandsOffMyRights · 20/10/2019 17:32

I agree Carol. My dear cousin insisted that because her husband had grown a "scruffy beard" that he couldn't have another woman, despite the mounting evidence.

The Sandman your post hit a raw nerve as this happened to me, so I apologise for my post.

My ex swore on his mother's life there was nobody else.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2019 17:33

I've known 5 women who's husbands abruptly ended the marriage and every single one of them was having an affair. The oldest story in the book.

ScreamingLadySutch · 20/10/2019 17:36

@TheSandman there was this famous psychiatrist who was the first to notice in all the drama it was ALWAYS the wife's fault, the triangle always schemed against the wife; and start taking a close look at infidelity...

His name was Dr Frank Pittman. He then made his career studying infidelity and concluded ...

it was a problem of the EGO and not of the marriage.

He said: in over 30 years of practise I have only ever met THREE men who left to find themselves. 1 every 10 years. All the rest ... for OW.

So please don't tell us we don't know what we know.

Bad marriages don't cause infidelity; infidelity causes bad marriages.
Frank Pittman

Love is not something people feel, but something people try to express no matter how they feel.
Frank Pittman

Fidelity is the single most important element in solidly enduring marriages.
Frank Pittman
Common courtesy plays a big role in happy marriages. People who are permanently married are polite to one another. They don't want to hurt one another's feelings, and they don't try to make the other one feel humiliated. People who are married for life are extremely kind to one another.
Frank Pittman
Becoming Father the Nurturer rather than just Father the Provider enables a man to fully feel and express his humanity and his masculinity. Fathering is the most masculine thing a man can do.
Frank Pittman

TheSandman · 20/10/2019 17:36

Often the OP would be adamant it wasn't possible, only to return a few days or weeks later having discovered the truth.

I don't want to sidetrack this thread but this is hardly conclusive evidence of anything. Do OPs come back and report when the man doesn't have another woman? When there is no 'truth' to discover? I would doubt it. So what you have is a lot of confirmation bias.

ScreamingLadySutch · 20/10/2019 17:38

@TheSandman see my comment above.

3 times in 30 years of practise.

OP, THROW HIM OUT NOW. Do not let him experiment at your expense. Throw him out and tell everyone about the friend who also left their marriage.

That makes that particular bed very uncomfortable.

ashtrayheart · 20/10/2019 17:40

Yes OP you are not a fool, but he's trying to play you like one. Sad

HandsOffMyRights · 20/10/2019 17:48

OP
How are you holding up?

Is he still out?

CarolDanvers · 20/10/2019 17:48

I don't want to sidetrack this thread but this is hardly conclusive evidence of anything.

I didn't claim it was Confused

Techway · 20/10/2019 17:49

I am so sorry as the shock will hit you in waves. It can have quite a physical impact so good food and sleep will be important BUT they will feel impossible at times.

Get support, don't fear telling people. I think you may need to talk to the children as they will know something is up.

I also think OW, the adage about a man leaving when he has somewhere to go almost always is correct. Whilst this news will also hit like a massive shock, if it is the case, you will at least know that you didn't have a chance to fix your marriage

It is so frustrating to hear of so many (mostly) men who decide to throw away so many years..it is sadly all about emotional immaturity and not being able to process complex feelings of aging and feeling life needs to be exciting again.

Practically you need to start planning, could you stay in the house long term? Could you afford for him to move out, even if that means using savings? It is only when he is out of your space will you start to process this as otherwise the temptation is to continue as usual..which is cake & eat it time. There is nothing so demoralising and damaging than you suffering his switch off in feelings towards you and appearing happy.

TheSandman · 20/10/2019 17:49

@HandsOffMyRights Flowers

Original poster
At17 · 20/10/2019 17:56

Hello everyone. He’s home now but upstairs because he got angry when I asked him about his friend and whether she is the OW. He says he can’t believe I could even think that when it’s been so honest with me.

I probably should have asked when I felt calmer but I keep reacting with such emotion.

So, not the OW which is something, I guess. I was almost wishing she was because then it’s not all down to me being unloveable. I know that sounds ridiculous.

OP posts:
SprinkleDash · 20/10/2019 17:56

These posts almost always lead to another woman @At17! I’m really sorry. Please prepare yourself for this outcome.

Techway · 20/10/2019 17:59

I am sorry but defensive behaviour is also a symptom.

Do you know his friend?

ScreamingLadySutch · 20/10/2019 18:00

Riiiiight.

Shame @At17, it is really hard to get your head round the fact that the person your thought was your best friend on earth has no hesitation lying to you, and it not your friend. That took me years.

Let us know who the OW is, when you eventually find out.

[Its her]

cacklingmags · 20/10/2019 18:00

So sorry OP. This must be so hard. But that 'been unhappy for years' thing is total bullshit designed to make you feel like the guilty party for not noticing how terrible his poor little life has been (in your loving family home). Men also never jump unless they have some place to land. He is not yet sure of his new girlfriend which is why he wants to stay for a while. This will be torture for you, don't let him do it. Pack his bags, see a solicitor, let him work out his new life without the strong support you have always selflessly given.

Original poster
At17 · 20/10/2019 18:00

I don’t know his friend, not really. They know each other through work but have socialised at work nights and the odd weekend thing.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2019 18:00

He’s home now but upstairs because he got angry when I asked him about his friend and whether she is the OW. He says he can’t believe I could even think that when it’s been so honest with me.

Oh yes, the classic indignant response. He is SO upset and incredulous that you would even THINK he could be having an affair! How COULD YOU, op?!

My eyes just rolled so hard I think they're stuck.

He is lying straight to your face. Stop being a mug and kick him out.

Hoppinggreen · 20/10/2019 18:01

She’s totally the OW, sorry OP

HollowTalk · 20/10/2019 18:02

Oh come on, OP! He's following the script there - "I can't believe you can think that of me..."

Deny
Deny
Deny
Cry
Admit a bit but say it's your fault
Admit a bit more but say they wouldn't have done it if you hadn't made them do it
Cry some more
Threaten suicide
Move in with the OW

HUZZAH212 · 20/10/2019 18:03

He's upstairs sulking because you've asked him a perfectly legitimate question. He's angry because you haven't just accepted everything he's told you like a good little woman.

GrumpiestCat · 20/10/2019 18:04

He isn't entitled to be angry. You are.

suggestionsplease1 · 20/10/2019 18:04

I still woulnd't rule out OW, as PP said, defensiveness can feature, also, going to another room gives him some breathing space to try to work out how he can handle your suspicions if you bring them up again, and also possibly alert the OW. My ex removed herself from room when I mentioned OW (on pretence of getting stuff from another room etc). It's not a foregone conclusion, but I wouldn't rule it out still.

GrumpiestCat · 20/10/2019 18:05

It's really irrelevant if she is or isn't. He's chucked a bomb in the marriage. Who's looking after you?

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2019 18:06

@HollowTalk

Spot on. The only step you missed is the one where he says they've kissed but haven't shagged yet.

GrumpiestCat · 20/10/2019 18:06

He should move out and take his wobbling bottom lip with him.

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