Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says we’re over

999 replies

At17 · 20/10/2019 14:06

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 20/10/2019 16:34

How old are your kids op, teenage spans quite a range.

It's up to you what's more intolerable. Him leaving, or him staying but as seperate. Which means seperate beds etc. Do you have the space?

And I hate to ask, but are you sure there isn't someone else, Male or female?

SunshineCake · 20/10/2019 16:36

You need to be fully in charge now and not wait for the pillock who thinks he is the lord and master to decide what happens next in YOUR life.

Pringlesfortea · 20/10/2019 16:39

Mine did this to me ..i packed his stuff quicker than you could blink ..
On your way old man ,didn’t give him time to work out a plan ,I just packed everything in bin bags and locked him out .
He stayed at his mums a few weeks while begging to come back

Derbee · 20/10/2019 16:39

I’m sorry, but my guess would be that he’s gone to meet the OW. You need to tell him to leave today. He can go and figure out what his plans are from a hotel. Not from your home, with you in it

Original poster
At17 · 20/10/2019 16:41

Shes not the OW. She’s a friend who also left her marriage this week. I think DH just needs to talk to someone who understands what he’s going through. I know he’s hurting as well, but I’m finding it hard not to get angry at times.

OP posts:
Derbee · 20/10/2019 16:43

I think his plan is to date this new woman guilt free, whilst not altering his day to day comfort living arrangements too dramatically. Then take his time to decide whether he wants to leave and start a life with the OW, or expect you to forgive things when he’s had his kicks, and let it all blow over. Fuck that, OP.

If you think he won’t leave calmly, pack him a suitcase, leave it outside and dead bolt the door. Change the locks so that only you have access to your home until YOU know what YOU want to do.

Original poster
At17 · 20/10/2019 16:44

Our children are 13 and 15.

OP posts:
suggestionsplease1 · 20/10/2019 16:45

You're confident there's nothing going on with this friend who has also just left her marriage?

Thankful2020 · 20/10/2019 16:46

”Shes not the OW. She’s a friend who also left her marriage this week”

And you believe this OP? He’s leaving you for this woman! What a pair of cruel bastards

GrumpiestCat · 20/10/2019 16:48

I'd suggest he starts to look for somewhere to move out to. It's really not practical to be separated under the same roof. Might focus his mind to the reality of what he's wanting. Being on his own in the evening without the kids etc. Nice idea not least if there is there is someone else but the novelty wears off and then they realise what they're giving up. It's such a big change you honestly only do it if the status quo is intolerable.

And you need to start putting your interests and the children's very much to the fore. It's hard. Really hard.

Itsjustmee · 20/10/2019 16:48

Oh bloody hell OP Wake up & smell the gad damm coffee . how bloody convenient that at the same time your DH leaves you she also leaves her husband and your DH has gone to speak to her. - if that’s really true then buy a lottery ticket because it’s sound completely bollocks
Give it a few weeks and she will most likely emerge as the OW but he can tell everyone that they comforted each other when they split

Shes not the OW. She’s a friend who also left her marriage this week. I think DH just needs to talk to someone who understands what he’s going through. I know he’s hurting as well, but I’m finding it hard not to get angry at times.
Bookmark

Greenkit · 20/10/2019 16:49

Shes not the OW. She’s a friend who also left her marriage this week.

That is laughable, they have left their partners for each other

Derbee · 20/10/2019 16:50

Shes not the OW. She’s a friend who also left her marriage this week

OP, just read this sentence a couple of times. Please just prepare yourself for how things may develop.

Mix56 · 20/10/2019 16:50

Shes not the OW. She’s a friend who also left her marriage...
Oh really ? That sounds sounds like the OW to me.
Pack his bag now,
He has made this statement, he needs too own his decision.

HandsOffMyRights · 20/10/2019 16:51

I'm sorry OP but it looks like he's gone to tell this woman that he's ended it, as she has done with her husband.

Please show him the door.

HollowTalk · 20/10/2019 16:51

What the others have said. Think about it. She left her marriage this week and oh! so did he...

GrumpiestCat · 20/10/2019 16:51

And see a solicitor this week! I've said it over and again on these threads, sometimes we don't realise we are being walked all over until someone objective and informed lays it open for us.

DramaAlpaca · 20/10/2019 16:52

Sorry this is happening to you, OP. It's time for you to take control & ask him to leave. He doesn't get to call the shots now. Stay strong.

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2019 16:52

Op, are you sure she's not the other woman. It's an odd coincidence that they have both ended it at the same time. And why has he gone to see her, and not the husband? Is he not friends with him?

For your kids, you need to make some decisions and not present them with confusion. So he's moving out, where he is going, etc etc. And assure them you both still love them and it's not about them. Also answer questions like will you be able to stay in the house financially.

Notthetoothfairy · 20/10/2019 16:53

I agree, she is totally the OW!

Original poster
At17 · 20/10/2019 16:54

I’m in tears reading these comments. I’ve been a total idiot, haven’t I? I knew he wasn’t happy but I thought I wanted to give him space to find out what would make him happy.

I feel like an utter laughing stock.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 20/10/2019 16:55

Are you saying you think she is the other woman? And did you ever discuss with him his happiness?

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 20/10/2019 16:55

Sounds very coincidental that this 'friend' left her marriage this week as well.

Sorry you're hurting OP. Please don't do the pick me dance.

rvby · 20/10/2019 16:56

OP! Shes left her husband and your h is hoping to get a shag in before she decides on her next partner. Hes freed himself up for her.

Do you have someone you can talk to... please contact friends and get them around you.

HandsOffMyRights · 20/10/2019 16:56

You are not a laughing stock!

He is a selfish man who has thought of nobody but himself and left you feeling like this.

How dare he.

Take back control and do this for yourself and the kids.
Pack his stuff and tell him to go.

You will get through this and come out stronger and happier Flowers