Struggling financially

[Pandasandicecream]

My dh and I have been married for 17 years and have two dc. Since the second dc (3) I’ve been a sahm. This is for various reasons, partly bexhase dh is away a lot and so everything regarding the children falls to me and partly because I was very unwell after dc2 and he was very unwell too.

My dh is a high earner - between £100k and £150k annually depending on bonuses. We don’t have a mortgage. We don’t have a joint account. Each month dh gives me £650. From that I spend about £100 on petrol and a further £100 on food. Dh pays for all other bills.
I’m left with £450 a month - I tend to pay for the children’s clothes (not shoes, can’t afford it) and day to day activities because I’m at home with them. I also give ds1 £20 pocket money a month. £450 sounds a lot but it isn’t. I struggled a lot over the summer holidays. If I want a hair cut or to buy a gift or go out for an evening I have to save. Dh meanwhile bought himself a very expensive watch last month because he felt like it and spends a lot of money on his hobby. He describes £50 as ‘not much money.’ He’s also been abroad with friends etc and obviously has no trouble affording it.
I understand it’s all his money and he’s earning it - I’m looking for a job. But I’m really struggling regarding money. I have the children all weekend too and finding things that are basically free is difficult. Ds1 is 11 now so his clothes are more expensive.

Dh won’t discuss it with me.
I just feel a bit, I don’t know, like a child. Like he gives me a set amount and that’s it and I don’t get a say in any financial decisions.

have you asked for a joint account. sorry if you have tried this but you can buy bundles of children's clothes on eBay. lots of sellers start the auction at 99p.

So you have £450 a month to spend on extras? That sounds like a lovely situation to be in. Personally though I would want a joint account, and to be treated as an equal member of the team.

Of course the OP is not in a "lovely" position. No should she be looking at 99p bundles of clothes on eBay

Her DH takes home something in the region of £7k, they have no mortgage costs and she's having to scrimp on £650.

How are you even beginning took food shop on £100??

Your DH is financially abusing you. Leave him

I think we’re missing the point here. OP’s husband is earning huge amounts of money and holding onto it for his own luxuries. Why should she have to go to a charity shop or to eBay for the kids’ clothes.
The fact that he won’t discuss it rings alarm bells and sounds to me like he’s very controlling. The money belongs to both of you because you sacrificed your career so he could have his.
What’s he like with other areas of your relationship? Is he a decent Dad?

£450 amounts to £15 a day - between me and two dc.

OP his take home pay must be cira 6-7k. it is ridiculous that you are given 650.

what happens when you go on holiday - is it just paid for by him?

i assume you set a precedent before you had kids, so it will be hard to change now.

what is he like generally? for what it is worth, in my view there's no point falling out about money and if he pays for dinners out, trips and holidays, maybe just leave it? i get why you feel annoyed though.

Dh buys the rest of the food.
I spend at least another £100 a month on extra bits and pieces. We online shop weekly but I always end up getting bread / milk / fresh food in the week in between.
Then dh will ask me to get something or some medication or whatever and the money for that day is gone.

Although I don't think this is right, what do you spend fifteeen quid a day on for all three of you, if you're not paying for food etc.

think it is a bit extreme to say leave him.

OP i work with high earners (mostly men) and they usually have the view that the money is "theirs." it is a shit view and totally wrong imo. but he may not be a bad man and i dont think it amounts to financial abuse. what would happen if you said i want x dress or i need x amonunt more for food? you shouldnt have to ask - but what is his reaction if you do?

Sorry I meant what is the 45 quid a day spent on if it's not food and bills?

Well £15 a day is best case. I mean if I’ve had to buy clothes or haircuts or something that month I don’t have that much money left.
I don’t think £15 a day is much. Over the summer holidays it was really hard.

I'd ask for a raise or I would tender my resignation.

Simple answer. Get yourself a job. And tell your DH to sort out the childcare. A job of any description will give you self respect and your own identity, as it sounds like your husband is very controlling.

I was a sahm until ds went to school last year.I have £700 per month to do all food shopping,clothes,days out etc and it's more than doable tbh.

Btw I have access to all the accounts aswell

How can you feed a family of four on £25 a month?

Sorry I know that's not the point. Surely the kids clothes, activities including petrol to get them there, and food for the family should be taken out of joint money, even things like hair cuts are necessaries and clothes for you.

After that you could have money aside for your personal spending.

If you actually costed how much it costs for all the essentials you and the kids need and spent a realistic amount on food and showed your H the bill he would see that £650 a month is not covering it (or leaving you with very little for the odd coffee or bit of make up).

sorry meant £100 a month.

Wtaf... it's not all his money, you're a family unit!

Your dh is a selfish prick.

I think you should be getting more than £650 a month or you should have a joint account. It’s not fair that he has so much more money than you and you do all the childcare alone.

I'm not here to disagree about how much money you get is enough or not. You need to sit down one evening and talk openly about the house hold outgoings. You need to be involved in this. Yes he is a high earner but we have no idea what other outgoings your family have (big pension contributions, holidays, cars?). If you could see a spread sheet of it all would that help? Is he willing to do that? For me I would want to be involved and see where it is all going and then you will know if the amount you have been given is fair or not. No one on here can tell you if it's the right amount or not, everyone's finances are different to some that would be great to others that would be a weeks worth.

No we spend about £450 a month on food but dh pays for the rest when we online shop. So he spends £350 and I meet another £100 or so.
It’s things like I know I can’t go for a meal with friends because it’ll cost two days money. It gets me down.
But I understand it’s all his money and I’m a parasite so I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

Fucking hell have I fallen into thev1950a it have you all lost your minds?

This man is sitting on £6k a MONTH while his family are living below the poverty line, even if in a nice house.

You are being financially abused op and I hope someone with proper advice gets her soon for you.

I am a high earner. I am able to be because DW runs our house and raises our children. All money is family money (not “his” money) , and while we tend to discuss large purchases, she can access the money and spend it any damn way she wishes.

How demeaning to have to ask your husband for his largesse, and you have to save up for a fucking haircut? The rule is that both people should have equal disposable spending money and equal leisure time. How’s that working out?

You’d have considerably more if you divorced.

I know he has a lot more money than me because of the fact he can just buy a watch that was nearly £1k and clothes where one item is equivalent to about 5 of mine.

Does he say you’re a parasite?