Struggling financially

[Pandasandicecream]

My dh and I have been married for 17 years and have two dc. Since the second dc (3) I’ve been a sahm. This is for various reasons, partly bexhase dh is away a lot and so everything regarding the children falls to me and partly because I was very unwell after dc2 and he was very unwell too.

My dh is a high earner - between £100k and £150k annually depending on bonuses. We don’t have a mortgage. We don’t have a joint account. Each month dh gives me £650. From that I spend about £100 on petrol and a further £100 on food. Dh pays for all other bills.
I’m left with £450 a month - I tend to pay for the children’s clothes (not shoes, can’t afford it) and day to day activities because I’m at home with them. I also give ds1 £20 pocket money a month. £450 sounds a lot but it isn’t. I struggled a lot over the summer holidays. If I want a hair cut or to buy a gift or go out for an evening I have to save. Dh meanwhile bought himself a very expensive watch last month because he felt like it and spends a lot of money on his hobby. He describes £50 as ‘not much money.’ He’s also been abroad with friends etc and obviously has no trouble affording it.
I understand it’s all his money and he’s earning it - I’m looking for a job. But I’m really struggling regarding money. I have the children all weekend too and finding things that are basically free is difficult. Ds1 is 11 now so his clothes are more expensive.

Dh won’t discuss it with me.
I just feel a bit, I don’t know, like a child. Like he gives me a set amount and that’s it and I don’t get a say in any financial decisions.

Her husband calls her a parasite for looking after their children. In what way is this not abusive?

OP called herself a parasite. She did not say that this is something her DH calls her.

You're being financially abused.

What did you do for work before you became a SAHP?

snotty afaik child maintenance isn't considered anyway. And your colleague is already working, and might not have had ops disposable income before the split.

OP, my DH and I decided together that when our third DC was born, I would reduce my hours right back (do 18 per week during term time), he would get my full support to reach his full earning potential, and we would review the situation when youngest was at Secondary school. Never, ever, ever has DH claimed money earned was divided into 'his' and 'mine'. It is family money and we both have full access to any account we have and discuss budgets / spending / what everybody needs.

He earns 5 times my wage not including bonuses but would never consider making me pay for things solely out of my own wages, as I would be struggling financially too. The majority of my 'work' is running a house, doing the majority of childcare and generally being the organiser of all things (as I'm sure you do, too!) My DH recognises, acknowledges and appreciates my role, as I do his.

I hope by reading all of the posts, you can see the disrespect that your husband is showing you by buying a 1k watch, whilst you are selling possessions to pay for things. I do not see how you can truly be happy in this situation as you must surely feel resentment towards him and stress and worry about making ends meet each month?

She herself was surprised but maybe that's because of the fact that she is getting a generous cm payment (amicable separation) on top, she gave the impression that she didn't feel any differently financially. I was checking if she wanted any overtime.
Regardless the op can't continue like this can she?

tbh I would struggle on £500 a month, it's fine for day to day but if you need your hair done or a night out or day out with the kids it won't last very long.

Haven't read full thread but I'm wondering if your husband has a gambling problem and that's why he doesn't want you to see his accounts?

snotty no, but I don't think leaving without sufficient preparation is the solution. Especially when there's still a possibility it won't necessarily come to that.

I might currently spend more than op, but in all honesty I'm aware that provides quite a lot of luxuries. I could certainly manage on £500 for them a lot easier than I could manage everything on a low paid job and benefits.

OP don't call yourself a parasite!! Don't beat yourself for not having anything left from £550, I would find that difficult too.

I work but when I changed careers our childcare bill was more than my earnings however DH was happy for me to work as he knew it was important to me. DH covers almost everything, my salary doesn't even go into the joint account (not got round to changing it) & he never asks for a penny. Of course I just add the bulk to savings & use for holidays, days out etc. It's all family money & I don't see it as mine only! I may earn less then him but because i'm pt & tto I help facilitate his career & save us both childcare costs. He appreciates my contribution as I do his.

For the posters telling the op to get a job I agree but how is she meant to do it whilst still living in such a controlled environment? How can she possibly pay for childcare?

Your husband is an absolute twat and he is financially abusing you. After all bills,food, children’s clothes, children’s activities etc. are paid for you should each get half of the left over. I would leave a man who did that to me, not because you don’t have enough to live on, but because his attitude shows he doesn’t give a fuck about you and doesn’t see you as even close to equal.

And I say that as a high earner in a relationship with somebody who until very recently didn’t earn at all.

Please be careful, OP. I left my ex and financially he left me struggling. He earns £105k+ pa and I earn £13,500 pa working ft. He saw it as "his money" too and wouldn't be parted at any cost. Hence why he went for 50/50 custody of our two small boys and awarded it-no maintenance payable.

Financially things are still incredibly tough five years on. We are still in rented while he lives in a huge five bed with unemployed gf.
He also claims CB for one son and pays it back through tax just so I can't have it.
He was abusive and I wish I could say I don't regret leaving him. But at times I do because of what he is allowed to get away with.

But I guess the majority of the time I do realise I had to do it for my kids, even if I only see them half of the time. I try to hold on to that.

I'm not certain that it would be considered financial abuse, because £650pm fun money doesn't sound particularly abusive.

But I do think that it's very mean not to give you full access to his account (which should be a joint account).

You say that the two things cutting into your budget every month are petrol and the extra food items you pick up. As a first step could you make sure that online shops are thorough, so that you don't need extras?

After that, claim CB and tell him that it is to maintain your state pension entitlements. It will be clawed back through his tax code.

Would he be open to you using family money for petrol at least?

It really is spectacularly mean but if you decide that you want to separate do be careful and get good legal advice first. You definitely, definitely won't be better off financially and of course you will also have to work, but it may well be worth it in other ways and to have full autonomy.

Wow, of course he's not being reasonable, and you're not a 'parasite' for wanting equal access to the family money!

Either you're both separately responsible for yourselves, so you both earn your own money, contribute to your half of the bills, and do half the housework and half the childcare.

Or you agree as a couple to specialise - one earns the money and pays the bills, while the other does the housework and the childcare. But note that this means you're doing his half of the housework/childcare, and he's earning your half of the money.

He doesn't get to dump his half of the chores/childcare on you, and still claim all the money for himself! That's called having his cake and eating it.

I think I would tell him that he either treats you as an equal in the relationship with full access to the family finances, or you'll need to go back to work. In that case, he'll need to pull his weight with 50% f the housework and childcare. That may mean that he'll have to change jobs.

If he's totally unwilling to discuss or change anything (and tbh, why would he? He gets to keep most of is huge salary, gets his kids looked after and his house well kept), you need to consider whether this 'partnership' is still what you want.

Yes be careful if he got 50/50 with the kids you would not get any maintenance. Would only see kids half the time.

Also if you have equity/equity in your house you won’t get any benefits.

Dammed if you do damned if you don’t. So think carefully.

OP, I understand where you are coming from. I'm divorcing a very similar selfish and entitled abuser. Earning 100K per year and paying little tax as he is contracting. I was SAHM since I relocated and had kids. It was always HIS money. I was given a salary of £750 per month. Out of that amount came gas&electricity bill (because "I love the flat to be warm"!!), my phone bill and 90% of food (he eats for 3 people and complains if I buy anything cheaper), everything for the household (cleaning products, toiletries, washing powder), clothes and everything else for kids, etc. He would spend his salary on going out, expensive clothes for himself, endless amounts of wine, beer, etc. And then he complained that I was in the red by the 15th of the month. He expected me to find a job and pay all childcare, half of the bills and morgage. That sadly was not possible. For the 7 years of living in London I only had my hair cut 2 here (cheapest I could find). I usually waited until I went back home for a visit as it is much more cheaper there. I wore the cheapest clothes from H&M. I do not think that he has ever entered a H&M shop. Jeans had to be G-Star of at least £100, t-shirts no less than all saints or diesel etc. Impulse purchases of stuff for him that cost hundreds of pounds. On top of everything he was a lazy pig that just made constant mess, never shared parental or houshold responsibilities. Living with him made me absolutely miserable. I'm divorcing him and even though it is hard financially, I would never ever go back. I found a job and I am never going to put myself in such position. OP, your house is paid off, you are in a much better position. Leave the selfish bastard. Your life would improve immensely. That is no way to live. Trust me, I know. Good luck!

This is such a sad thread, op. So many posters missing the point. It's not about the amount of money, it's about the control. And the lack of access to funds.

Yes, some people live on very little, but if I'm part of a family with a high income, we should ALL get to enjoy it. What a horrible existence to be constantly trying to balance the lifestyle you and the kids could have with what you're allowed. Of course you should be able to live the same lifestyle he does.

I wish I knew how to advise you, but I don't. I just want to reassure you that you deserve more.

@itsmecathycomehome it's not 'fun' money though is it? She has to clothe and feed her children with it

He pays the food bill. OP buys milk or bread or whatever runs out during the week I think.

so how much disposable income should the OP be spending considering they have 6k a month & no mortgage?

The problem is the doling out of the allowance and the lack of control, more than the actual amount. If they were in a relationship with fully joint finances, equal access to funds and each valued their own and the other's contribution properly, where OP spent £450 a month on clothes and extras as she deemed that amount sufficient, that would be ok.

@Pandasandicecream you've had some awful comments here! Selling stuff to make sure you and kids have enough money over the summer hols is pretty sad, did you try to explain to his it's far more expensive in the summer?

Ultimately you need to sit down and make it clear you need more money. It is financially controlling.. not to mention selfish! You are most definitely not a parasite! You are a hard working stay at home mother trying her best. Hugs xx

it's not about the amounts - it's family money, she should have equal access. Not to be treated like a teenager who gets pocket money from a parent.

Precisely. People are losing sight of this because the cage she's in is gilded-ish.

I can't believe that I'm reading YET ANOTHER thread like this on here.
What is WRONG with people? Not just the OP's husband, but all those on here who are suggesting things like "asking for" £100 more, or buying clothes bundles from eBay for 99p.
Why are some women's standards and expectations of their partners and in life so low? Why do people sleepwalk into relationships before sussing our their differing attitudes towards finances? Would anyone really utter those marriage vows if they realised that for them it meant, "I will live off a pittance and look after you and the children 100% whilst you swan around on 90% of the FAMILY income in designer gear."
OP, you are not a parasite. You are contributing the equivalent of a full-time nanny's wage, plus overnights, as well as a housekeeper and chef. If you died tomorrow, how much money would he have to shell out to buy in what you provide (for £15 a day)?

It’s not all his money. You are married. He’s being an arsehole. Just tell him that it’s not enough. If he refuses to listen tell him to hire a nanny and get a job.