Struggling financially

[Pandasandicecream]

My dh and I have been married for 17 years and have two dc. Since the second dc (3) I’ve been a sahm. This is for various reasons, partly bexhase dh is away a lot and so everything regarding the children falls to me and partly because I was very unwell after dc2 and he was very unwell too.

My dh is a high earner - between £100k and £150k annually depending on bonuses. We don’t have a mortgage. We don’t have a joint account. Each month dh gives me £650. From that I spend about £100 on petrol and a further £100 on food. Dh pays for all other bills.
I’m left with £450 a month - I tend to pay for the children’s clothes (not shoes, can’t afford it) and day to day activities because I’m at home with them. I also give ds1 £20 pocket money a month. £450 sounds a lot but it isn’t. I struggled a lot over the summer holidays. If I want a hair cut or to buy a gift or go out for an evening I have to save. Dh meanwhile bought himself a very expensive watch last month because he felt like it and spends a lot of money on his hobby. He describes £50 as ‘not much money.’ He’s also been abroad with friends etc and obviously has no trouble affording it.
I understand it’s all his money and he’s earning it - I’m looking for a job. But I’m really struggling regarding money. I have the children all weekend too and finding things that are basically free is difficult. Ds1 is 11 now so his clothes are more expensive.

Dh won’t discuss it with me.
I just feel a bit, I don’t know, like a child. Like he gives me a set amount and that’s it and I don’t get a say in any financial decisions.

Cross posted with you OP

It is NOT his money and you are not a “parasite”. You are his wife and the mother of his children - he is supposed to love and adore you. He can only do his job because you provide 24/7 childcare and housekeeping. Has he taught you to think about yourself that way?

What do you mean "you get that it's his money"?? It's not, it's family money. I just can't see how people in partnerships of any kind, let alone marriages, can see money as anything other than joint.
I know not everyone here agrees but I just can't contemplate keeping money to myself when my spouse and/or kids are going short. I think it's financial abuse.
However, I also agree that you getting a job would be a great idea, both practically and emotionally.

WTAF? Get a job and leave him. He begrudges spending money to clothe his own kids? What a cunt! LOL at bundles of clothing on Ebay - once they get to tween age those are few and far between and not 99p.

This is totally, totally unacceptable, op!! Don't listen to the idiots asking what you are spending all(!) that money on; you are married, you are meant to be a partnership ffs. He doesn't get the right to spend huge amounts on himself and keep you short unable to get yourself a haircut!

Start talking seriously about a divorce - you will be much, much better off divorced financially and emotionally.

I feel it’s his money because he earns it all.
He does say this house and everything in it is all his and belongs to him because he bought it all. Which isn’t quite true but that sentiment applies across the board.
Sometimes he can be generous and buy things but it’s on his terms. If I ask for something for the children - coats for example, I can’t afford coats, he isn’t very happy. He demands to know what I’m doing with all the money he gives me.

I'm with @Mendeleev

The earlier posters were missing the point. OP shouldn't have to budget. Where on earth is the DH's money going?!

It would be tempting to go out, earn your own money and whack him with a great big childcare bill.

I think it would be reasonable to ask your husband for another hundred a month while you are still not working. It would make everything easier for you, activities and clothes for children are expensive and he is in a position to give you more. It would be different if he was a low earner but he isn't.

He is financially (and probably emotionally) abusing you.

I don’t think I’ve ever said this on here before, but leave the bastard.

You are being financially abused here and his actions here are all about power and control.
This situation will not improve for you or your children so long as you continue to stay within this marriage. He has complete financial control and such controlling men never share nor want to do so.

I would also think that you are being abused in other ways too as such types are rarely solely financially abusive.

Has he previously described you as a parasite - why did you use that term?
I would urge you to contact Women’s aid and plan your exit ASAP from this marriage. This is no life for you and your children , the rights of women organisation are well
worth contacting too

HIS BEHAVIOUR IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. Do not accept it.

I have to agree with a op, you would be so much better off if you divorced! Have you considered it?

You are not a parasite! It is family money. You do your (not small) role by raising your 3 children and he is lucky enough to have a high paying job. I am sure he works hard too, but that is not the point.
You need to feel that you are all sailing in the same ship. If you divorced then your contribution of raising the children would be seen as an equal contribution.
I think that you need to discuss the situation like adults. You need to be involved in household financial decisions and have access to the family money. Does he think you will spend it all frivolously or something?

PS: Do you know what your husband does with his disposable income?
The house and contents is yours as much as his, make no mistake about that.

It's possible he is tucking money away or investing in order to have security later on but you do have a right to know. Just because he is supporting you and paying all the bills doesn't give him the right to lord it over you; he is very fortunate to be in a good financial position but he's not your boss.

As soon as you feel fit enough, get a job, a cleaner and a part time nanny. Independence is wonderful.

This is financial abuse. My ex had plenty of money, I worked part time too however as far as he was concerned his thinking was what yours is mine and what's mines me own. Said with a broad (tight) Yorkshire accent.
I left because after 13 years I couldn't get him to make the house electrics safe for us and the kids among other tight as a ducks issues 🙈

I think the thing I don’t understand is even if he doesn’t want to spend money on me, why wouldn’t he want his dc to be able to go places and do things? I don’t understand that. I don’t buy them expensive or designer clothes - I just want stuff that fits.

You really need to change your mindset. He can only earn this amount of money because you are doing everything else. You are enabling him to earn that much. Would he be able to earn that figure if he had to collect the children from school etc? How much would childcare cost him if you went back to work full time?

The main point though is that you should be a partnership - it not 'his' money, the money is a joint asset. He is financially abusing you. You should (in an ideal world) share any disposable income and take half each, or you should even have more because you are paying for the children.

Other posters were right - you'd be much better off financially if you divorced.

Please talk to him and try to make him see that he is being unreasonable.

Mother of god the only parasite in your post is the tightwad bastard you're married to-cheapskate bitching about cost of his children yet jetting off internationally! I know a shit hot divorce attorney could get child maintenance and the house from him! Maybe he needs reminding that he wouldn't have his jet set lifestyle without you home minding the children and that he's financially abusing you all! Fuck that! Christ on a bike!

This is financial abuse, OP.

Ideally you should be able to talk to him and tell him you want a joint account and to be able to afford basic things. If he was the kind of man who would go along with that, he wouldn't be the kind of man who limited your money in that way.

I know what I'd do.

I'm also a sahm and up until about a two years ago my husband gave me very little and I had to ask for money - I absolutely hated it! I do some part time work which is invoiced via his company and I now take a salary of £1500 pm. I get what your saying, saving for hairdressers appointments or being careful with money is something I've also done in the past. Personally I do think it's a form of control/abuse and just like you I have no access to accounts.. worries me to be honest. He doesn't flit his money away to my knowledge and I don't go without but over the summer I have on occasion reigned it in so that I've been able to afford good days out.

You need to speak to him, £650 is no where near enough and considering his earnings he's being a tight arse for sure. Also think about how you might earn some money for yourself, it's good to have some security for yourself. x

A few posts there while I was writing that! Yes, I do think this is financially abusive. A job would give you a boost in confidence but does not resolve the issue. However, it might enable you to stand up and leave...

If you ask him for money for days out what does he say?

If he can't understand why £650 is not enough have you asked why he needs 5.5k?

Controlling men will often try to stop or actively sabotage any attempt to work outside the home

I would also consider employing the services of a forensic accountant because he will never be reasonable and is fundamentally not to be trusted. You also need a good solicitor well versed in the ways on controlling men

Wow. You are not a parasite.

A very loose estimate on the CMS calculator says you'd get at least £780 a month from him, not taking into account the bonus you mention.

Get a part time job. Claim UC or tax credits. Get whatever you can from the sale of your house (no mortgage you said?) and get the hell out of that "marriage".

It’s financial abuse. I can’t believe people are coming on here and suggesting that you budget better or look on EBay for bundles of clothing.

He sounds vile and I’d be surprised if you could persuade him to do anything differently. The contempt he shows you is appalling, and I’d honestly look into leaving him. He won’t get better.

You will get at least half of the house (on sale - more in fact, if there’s disparity in your earning potential). and he will have to pay a good chunk of maintenance on those earnings.

Scary to think of leaving, but can you honestly continue living this half-life where you have to beg him for more money?

This is absolutely insane. And I can’t believe the first few posts!!! Talk about miss the point!!

Dh works and I don’t. We decided together that I would be a sahm. We pool all our income and give ourselves equal spending money. Anything else is wrong. You’re a shared family unit. Income should be shared.

You’d actually be better off divorcing him and taking half the value of the house or getting him to pay you maintenance. Ridiculous situation to be in.