Struggling financially

[Pandasandicecream]

My dh and I have been married for 17 years and have two dc. Since the second dc (3) I’ve been a sahm. This is for various reasons, partly bexhase dh is away a lot and so everything regarding the children falls to me and partly because I was very unwell after dc2 and he was very unwell too.

My dh is a high earner - between £100k and £150k annually depending on bonuses. We don’t have a mortgage. We don’t have a joint account. Each month dh gives me £650. From that I spend about £100 on petrol and a further £100 on food. Dh pays for all other bills.
I’m left with £450 a month - I tend to pay for the children’s clothes (not shoes, can’t afford it) and day to day activities because I’m at home with them. I also give ds1 £20 pocket money a month. £450 sounds a lot but it isn’t. I struggled a lot over the summer holidays. If I want a hair cut or to buy a gift or go out for an evening I have to save. Dh meanwhile bought himself a very expensive watch last month because he felt like it and spends a lot of money on his hobby. He describes £50 as ‘not much money.’ He’s also been abroad with friends etc and obviously has no trouble affording it.
I understand it’s all his money and he’s earning it - I’m looking for a job. But I’m really struggling regarding money. I have the children all weekend too and finding things that are basically free is difficult. Ds1 is 11 now so his clothes are more expensive.

Dh won’t discuss it with me.
I just feel a bit, I don’t know, like a child. Like he gives me a set amount and that’s it and I don’t get a say in any financial decisions.

This is not right but quite common I noticed a few years ago while my kids were still at school that quite a few of the husbands had top of the range cars but the mums were struggling on with old bangers.

Had you not thought those men have company cars but on fairly average wages, wife isn't working and the old banger is the only thing they can afford? I know a few people like this.
Some people don't want new cars, I love my old bangers, new cars are a waste of money imo and I'll drive a car til it won't go anymore, so even it it was once new it's only new for a few years.

I was excluding the ones that I new had company cars.

@Hawkinsxmaslights what about those who have to pay for both their cars and the DH travels a lot for work and needs a very reliable car while the DW only does local runs and can get away with an older car?
Lots of household prioritise things differently, perhaps they discussed holoday vs new car, or work/weekend family car with the small cheap old extra car.
When I look to upgrade my car in a few years (considering finance options) I'm hoping DP will have learned to drive by then and instead of selling my current car (I know it's history and would be worth more to us as a second car than to sell). We wouldn't be able to afford 2 cars on finance and dp wouldn't want a car on finance and would be more than happy with my old car. We would then reconsider when my old car has come to the end if it's life. Or we may have been able to save, in which case we would see which 2 cars suit our individual needs we could get withour budget.
I don't think you can apply a blanket statement. Who says you struggle with an older car in any case?

I think you are missing the point with the old car/new car. We are not talking about those things here. Whether he uses company car or has a long commute, etc. This thread is about utter selfishness, entitlement and financial abuse.

It’s about inequality in a relationship.

The amount of money you have is irrelevant.

He refuses to discuss it. This is the problem.

If you had that same amount of money but your husband was transparent with the finances and you knew there was genuinely none spare it would be a completely different scenario.

It’s about inequality in a relationship
Which is not something you can make a judgement on based on a small snippet looking in from the outside.

I think the amount of money is irrelevant (and I say that as somebody with less of it) the point is that he is financial controlling and does not consider your consider your contribution to the household as equal to his. Either he addresses this sharpish, or I would be making an exit. A divorce court will not think that everything is his and he will not get everything, but having a job yourself would put you in a better position to fight for a decent outcome and not have to accept a smaller divorce settlement. So I would be looking for jobs and asking for some changes and some marriage counselling.

We are all strangers commenting on a relationship that we know nothing about ( besides what the op has printed here) for all we know the dh might have severe private money issues the wife knows nothing about or maybe the wife just likes attention, we don't know.

But that's true for every post on Relationships thisis.

All we can do is believe the op, offer advice to leave or improve her situation, let her know that - if the facts are as presented - it's unacceptable and it's ok for her to feel aggrieved by it.

You are not his wife.

You are (very poorly paid) staff. After 17 years and refusing to discuss it, I doubt very much it's a situation he wants to change.

Only you know if that's something you are willing to accept.

Imagine yourself in his position - would you treat him like he treats you? Would you treat your children like he treats them?

I'm so sad for you that you would call yourself a "parasite". You are not. Get help dealing with the abuse, there's lots of suggestions on here, and get out before he erodes your self-worth any further and before the children are affected by this abusive dynamic.

My ex was like that. It isn't about the amount of money,it is not being valued or treated as an equal, as part of the team.

Since I left him, I have the same amount of disposable income but it is mine to make the decisions. I'm slowly building my career back up after being a sahm for over a decade and loving it.

My advice to you would be to go back to work and let him organise and pay for childcare. Build your career back up, and he'll have yo be home for school pick ups, appointments, start buying the kids clothes, presents etc. Let him do half of it. If he refuses then divorce him. Life is too short to life being continually demeaned.

I'm curious why some people are saying that the op would get a smaller settlement if they divorced and she wasn't working? Seems to be the complete opposite of this in Ireland! Maybe someone could explain it to me? Also op is definitely being abused financially.