Struggling financially

[Pandasandicecream]

My dh and I have been married for 17 years and have two dc. Since the second dc (3) I’ve been a sahm. This is for various reasons, partly bexhase dh is away a lot and so everything regarding the children falls to me and partly because I was very unwell after dc2 and he was very unwell too.

My dh is a high earner - between £100k and £150k annually depending on bonuses. We don’t have a mortgage. We don’t have a joint account. Each month dh gives me £650. From that I spend about £100 on petrol and a further £100 on food. Dh pays for all other bills.
I’m left with £450 a month - I tend to pay for the children’s clothes (not shoes, can’t afford it) and day to day activities because I’m at home with them. I also give ds1 £20 pocket money a month. £450 sounds a lot but it isn’t. I struggled a lot over the summer holidays. If I want a hair cut or to buy a gift or go out for an evening I have to save. Dh meanwhile bought himself a very expensive watch last month because he felt like it and spends a lot of money on his hobby. He describes £50 as ‘not much money.’ He’s also been abroad with friends etc and obviously has no trouble affording it.
I understand it’s all his money and he’s earning it - I’m looking for a job. But I’m really struggling regarding money. I have the children all weekend too and finding things that are basically free is difficult. Ds1 is 11 now so his clothes are more expensive.

Dh won’t discuss it with me.
I just feel a bit, I don’t know, like a child. Like he gives me a set amount and that’s it and I don’t get a say in any financial decisions.

I can't get past the bit where you said you've been married for 17 years and he gives you money to manage on for the month and the next bit where you say ' I know it's all his money he earns it'..... the thought of couples having his and hers money despite being married for many years with children just baffles me.
It's not right . It doesn't look like you're regarded or valued .

I’m not usually so quick to say this but leave him- fuck being treated like another child he’s giving pocket money to! He’d have to fork out a hell of a lot more for childcare should OP work full time.(FYI imo £15 a day can disappear very quickly, it’s far from generous, particularly if not additional money for half terms etc)

It's all very well saying ltb because she'd get more than £650 in maintenance, but by the time all the bills and living expenses were paid there certainly wouldn't be anything like £450 left for clothes and activities.

She would also get child benefit, which she doesn't just now. Plus other benefits, most likely, and money from the sale of the mortgage free house. And I think she'd get considerably more CM. I calculated it at £780, but that was based on 100k minimum, no bonus and assuming he had the kids 1/2 nights per week, which he may not.

Is the issue that he doesn’t want you to be a sahp? Tbh I wouldn’t like to be forced into the situation where I was the sole breadwinner (although as a single mum I effectively am). Also it’s rubbish that a sahp is the equivalent of £300k worth of work per year! It’s just not realistic.

For all those saying she would be better off divorced- not necessarily. She has £450 plus most bills paid. It’s not easy as a single mom.

I would get a better settlement that you can live with op or consider your options.

Chiming in to agree that this is financial and emotional abuse. You've enabled him to have a family and go off to work all hours and he's calling your a parasite? I'd say he was the insect.

Can you get in touch with Women's Aid? The national helpline can be quite tricky to get through on, but your local service should be easier.

And keep posting here - talk to posters who've been where you are and can tell you how they got out, and how much happier they and their children are.

I think it’s a bullshit cop out excuse to say “I can’t work because I would have to go all the pick ups”. No you wouldn’t. Your husband will just need to step up and do some, or they get left at school in the rain. That’d be on him, not you. Or get a babysitter for the afternoons. Or whatever. You find a way to make it work so you never, ever have to feel like a ‘parasite’. That’s a shitty, dependent way to live and you’re too good for it OP.
Going to work will have challenges but at least you will have some control over your financial destiny. You have 40+ years ahead of you living with this man, are you going to let him financially control you for that long? Stuff that!

snotty yes, provided she follows whatever work rules there are for her dcs age. And maintenance isn't reliable, it takes a while to enforce and even then she's on sticky ground if he wants shared custody. Even if she gets both it still won't leave anywhere near £450 as spending money, and there'd be reductions across the board.

And even a divorce lawyer couldn't say from the info whether she'd be entitled to much in the way of equity.

I'm not saying that long term it might be a better option to live on a much tighter budget for the overall benefits of not being in a relationship with a tosser, but right now there are other options. And at the least gaining some financial independence before leaving.

FWIW I don’t think this is abuse. I think OP has to take responsibility for herself. She’s letting herself be tested this way.

I agree with everyone else op - he's behaving really badly. All money should be family money.

When I first moved in with DH I only had a Saturday job (was at uni). He supported me then and we shared our money. Now I'm the higher earner and we still share our money. It's just what partners do.

This is ridiculous for you.

Start to think about being more independent so you can at least be in the position to leave should you want to.

Her husband - who leaves her for days at a time for work - calls her a parasite for looking after their children. In what way is this not abusive?

OP - what was it like when you worked before? Did your H support you working? Or did you have to fit it in around his needs?

Do you not get child benefit? You should as it protects your NI contributions and your husband pays it back through a tax return.

Agree with pp that you should have family money/access to accounts.

OP wouldn’t get child benefit given her husbands salary.

OP I can't really add much to this. DH and I have been married for 30 years. I had 8 years off when dc were small. We have never had a joint account.

When I didn't work I paid for food, haircuts, dc's clothes, activities, coffees, food, etc. I kept a record of expenses and DH gave me a cheque at the end of every month. Probably for about £650 in the mid/late 90s. He was earning just under 100k then. He never ever questioned anything I spent. Though I have to say I don't think I ever spent the equiv of £15 a day and when ds was a baby and I gave up work because he was poorly we were on brass tacks and I sometimes had a fiver a week for "spends".
A couple of times he decided my leggings/tops were looking a bit scruff and left a few hundred and told me to go shopping - but not in that first year when I gave up work!

I went back to work in 2003. He started to pay me housekeeping of £550 because obvs I cd pay some personal expenses. He has always paid all bills.

I earn more than £100k now. He pays me £800 housekeeping. I pay for my car, sky, talk talk, phone and dd's phone, a few weekends here and there ........

your husband will just need to step up and do some, or they get left at school in the rain well I think common sense tells you it wouldn’t be the earner on 100k plus running to the school gates !

This is absolutely appalling , you are in a partnership you shouldn't be given an allowance you should have full access to his wages. £15 a day soon goes , why should you be watching the pennies while he spends without a care in the world .

onlyfools op can get cb. Her husband declares it to hmrc and repays it through tax. He absolutely must because to do so impacts positively on a woman's pension rights. I continued to get it. DH just declared it. You know, like decent men do.

@OnlyfoolsnMothers

Yes she would www.gov.uk/child-benefit-tax-charge

@TrainspottingWelsh I disagree & think she would be better off, the husband has clearly been earning high numbers for a while & i thought she said he had a portfolio of properties as well so it's likely she would get a settlement of some kind.

She could get a pt job & still receive universal credit

In theory yes she could claim it but her husband would have to pay it back- doubt a finically controlling man would be happy with this and would probably deduct it from her allowance, I appreciate it keeps up her NI contributions.

The OP would not be able to get benefits with any kind of settlement, unless is was solely from the proceeds of the family home, and she used this to purchase a new family home. She would not be able to receive benefits if she had any ownership or financial interest in any property other than the one she live in worth over the capital limit of 16k. If she were to get awarded any spousal maintenance then this would be deducted £1 for £1 from any benefits.

She would get over £900 per month in maintenance, however if you take into account the fact the OP receives over 2 thirds of this amount plus bills and most food is paid ... you would see she would not be better off financially to leave the bastard.

It also shows to me the £650 isn't a paltry figure and I do wonder what on earth OP is doing with a large disposable income like that after bills.

What is not right is that her H is potentially not distributing the income through the family equally.

We don't know enough to say whether she'd be entitled to much from the properties. Eg when dp and I first got together, the assets were all mine and I had substantially greater savings. If he'd then given up work for a few years he wouldn't have been entitled to a share of property or money I'd owned long before he was on the scene.

I'm not a benefits expert by any means, but I do know that by the time most recipients have covered their bills and daily costs they certainly don't have anywhere near £650 left. Without maintenance most are in poverty on them, so all his would do would make up that shortfall, it won't cover the current spending level too. And she'd need to work, single parents don't get the option of being sahps for childcare reasons. So no reason not to establish herself back with a career before she has to meet benefits targets and pay for everything.

I could be wrong, op might get a house outright if they split and he might willingly pay reasonable maintenance. But seems a massive gamble to suggest she should risk it. Especially as he's hardly keen to support her when they're a couple.

Yes the op won't necessarily be entitled to benefits depending upon the settlement but I thought she said the sale of her flat went towards the house purchase so therefore she has a stake in it.

A women I work with has recently left her husband & financially she said she was better off as she gets the

posted to soon.

She said she was better off with the housing benefit & childcare benefit.

Although I've just remembered he's not her husband but was her partner & I don't know if she has declared the child maintenance from him or not.

OP you are being financially abused. This is abuse. Legally and morally, as you are married, and facilitate his career by doing all home and child related tasks, his money is half yours. But he is withholding access to it.

It's absolutely disgusting given the amount he earns and what he spends on himself. I am surprised there are people on here saying it's fine. It's not. If he had agreed with you that youd all save like mad to retire in a few years and he was screaming and saving as well then it may be reasonable.

I think I'd leave to be honest, abusive partners dont change. Get a job, and leave