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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling financially

189 replies

Pandasandicecream · 19/10/2019 17:44

My dh and I have been married for 17 years and have two dc. Since the second dc (3) I’ve been a sahm. This is for various reasons, partly bexhase dh is away a lot and so everything regarding the children falls to me and partly because I was very unwell after dc2 and he was very unwell too.

My dh is a high earner - between £100k and £150k annually depending on bonuses. We don’t have a mortgage. We don’t have a joint account. Each month dh gives me £650. From that I spend about £100 on petrol and a further £100 on food. Dh pays for all other bills.
I’m left with £450 a month - I tend to pay for the children’s clothes (not shoes, can’t afford it) and day to day activities because I’m at home with them. I also give ds1 £20 pocket money a month. £450 sounds a lot but it isn’t. I struggled a lot over the summer holidays. If I want a hair cut or to buy a gift or go out for an evening I have to save. Dh meanwhile bought himself a very expensive watch last month because he felt like it and spends a lot of money on his hobby. He describes £50 as ‘not much money.’ He’s also been abroad with friends etc and obviously has no trouble affording it.
I understand it’s all his money and he’s earning it - I’m looking for a job. But I’m really struggling regarding money. I have the children all weekend too and finding things that are basically free is difficult. Ds1 is 11 now so his clothes are more expensive.

Dh won’t discuss it with me.
I just feel a bit, I don’t know, like a child. Like he gives me a set amount and that’s it and I don’t get a say in any financial decisions.

OP posts:
OPnameChange · 19/10/2019 19:05

Also, if you left him, you'd be FAR better off financially. Have just noticed that you had to sell your things during the holidays Sad in order to generate cash.

Please, OP, leave this horrid man. If not for yourself, for your DCs.

user1486131602 · 19/10/2019 19:06

That’s not ‘his’ money, it’s your joint money, he married you and as such it is joint. Time for you to make changes I think!
If he can afford an expensive watch but you are struggling something is morally wrong with that!
Been there, done that, now divorced!

Lifeisabeach09 · 19/10/2019 19:09

Agree with PPs, he is financially abusing you by not giving you equal access to family money.

Ginger1982 · 19/10/2019 19:10

You're being abused here.
What happens when you try to talk to him about it? Like fuck would I stand for DH saying to me 'I'm not talking to you about it.' But then he's not a dick like your DH.

If he's not going to change you need to extricate yourself and your DC from this life.

Loveislandaddict · 19/10/2019 19:11

“But I understand it’s all his money and I’m a parasite so I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not.“

Who says this? It’s not his money, it’s family money. He’s supposed to be supporting you. You are not his employee, but his partner.

You are not being unreasonable, he is. Considering he is earning that much, and you have no mortgage, you should be living a nice life, instead of struggling.

ladyme · 19/10/2019 19:13

Yes this is financial abuse. He needs a wake up call!

When we were doing life insurance once when I was a SAHM we thought we'd work out how much it would cost to actually replace everything I did (eg. Night nanny, laundry, 50% weekend nanny, shopping, food prep etc) and it came to £300k. We've always just had equal access to bank accounts so it wasn't a problem from that point of view but my husband was shocked to realise he couldn't afford me!! He started helping out more with the chores as well when he realised how many there were.

Would something like that help your DH with a wake up call? You are essentially subsidising all his child care cost so he should at least be willing to pay you those. I always looked at it that his name was on the pay packet but we both earned it.

I work full time now and put about the same in the pot - it's not like your kids will be small forever!

Mishappening · 19/10/2019 19:18

He won't discuss it with you - that is disgraceful. You are a partnership - or at least meant to be. This is not how proper partnerships function.

My OH and I had a joint account from the day we married - he was keen because I was going to be supporting him through a medical degree!! But......aside from that, we both agreed that we would share it all. There were times when he was breadwinner and times when I was; but the money coming in was OURS. We spent as we wished and trusted each other to do so sensibly - we only consulted each other over big expenditure. This is in the past tense, because he is now in a nursing home with a ghastly neuro-degenerative disorder; and I am now the power of attorney and deal with all the money. But when we were equal in our capabilities we stayed equal financially.

TBH with you I would not stand your situation for 5 minutes. He MUST discuss it.

Mishappening · 19/10/2019 19:28

"I think it would be reasonable to ask your husband for another hundred a month" - to ASK?!!! - to ASK??!! She is not a beggar - she is his wife! Words fail me!!

LonginesPrime · 19/10/2019 19:29

He does say this house and everything in it is all his and belongs to him because he bought it all

OP, this is an insane way to live - that's not a marriage, it's abuse.

I know it's hard and scary to think about leaving but why would you continue to live like this?

Superfoodie123 · 19/10/2019 19:32

Wow op, I'm shocked and upset to read this. Not about the money you have but more the amount he has and the lack of openness about it. How is he in other areas? Is he abusive in other ways? Do you think he may be leading another life and need to use his money for this too?

I agree with others you should leave him. Childcare is so expensive and you are giving the kids the top care, that money yours too and the fact he isn't acknowledging that shows he doesn't care about you or the sacrifices you may have made

theneverendinglaundry · 19/10/2019 19:40

I'm a sahm and it would never even occur to my DH to give me a set amount every month. We have a joint account, a separate account for bills, and what's left is what we both use. He has never once questioned anything that I've bought, I never have to justify anything. But I am very frugal and never really buy clothes or get haircuts etc.

He earns a lot less than your DH and our rent and bills are 2/3 of his wages, so not a lot left to play with. T

combatbarbie · 19/10/2019 19:40

Oh my god, I can't actually believe your referring to your self as a parasite, that is heart breaking.

OP this is financial abuse, I know its banded around here alot but this is a classic situation. You don't seem happy and he appears to be resentful of you and his money...... So you either,

sit down rationally and ask for joint access,

go out and get a job, making yourself more financially dependant and ensure he pays at least 50% of childcare

or divorce him!! You'd get more in maintenance than what he currently gives you!!!!

JenniferM1989 · 19/10/2019 19:45

Leave and go through the courts to get £16k-£24k a year in maintenance, half the house, half his pension and half the savings. That's £1,333-£2,000 a month in CM. That might make him realise what an utterly selfish twat he is and how his wife and kids are living meagerly compared to him. Can't stand this sort of thing

sheshootssheimplores · 19/10/2019 19:55

OP he is financially abusing you.

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 19/10/2019 20:00

He spends 10% of his income on his wife and children. What’s he doing with the other 90%?

You’d be much better off financially if you divorced him and got 50%.

raspberryk · 19/10/2019 20:07
  1. His attitude is appalling, on those wages I don't see why it should be up to you to cover everything for you and 3DC on that money he is giving you.
  2. But I feel you do need a reality check if you think £650 disposable income isn't plenty of money. The abuse and inequality of the situation is what is wrong and not the amount of money.
Bluerussian · 19/10/2019 20:08

Pandasandicecream, do you want to stay with your husband? If you do you have to speak plainly to him. Make him explain what he does with money that he has left over after paying bills. If he doesn't want to explain I would be very suspicious in your position.

If you are generally fed up with the man, you don't have to stay together. See a solicitor and work out what you're entitled to.

I was horrified to read that you have sold some of your things to be able to manage - poor people have to do that sometimes but your husband is earning a bomb by most standards.

C0untDucku1a · 19/10/2019 20:13

Divorce him. Soon.

SuperMeerkat · 19/10/2019 20:16

The kids clothes and shoes definitely need to come from family money, not to mention the food shop! He’s only giving you about 15% ish of his take home pay yet you’re enabling him to work. Find out what a nursery or nanny charges and present him with a bill for that!

NamedyChangedy · 19/10/2019 20:18

Did you have a career before having your DCs? You should be thinking about getting back into paid work as you'll need to be self sufficient.

TrainspottingWelsh · 19/10/2019 20:31

It's all very well saying ltb because she'd get more than £650 in maintenance, but by the time all the bills and living expenses were paid there certainly wouldn't be anything like £450 left for clothes and activities. Plus she'd have to look for work like every other single parent with full responsibility for dc at some point depending on how old dc are.

Surely the first option is an open discussion about why he thinks it's his money? Followed by op looking for a job as by the sounds of it he isn't happy to be the sole earner, not to mention being a sahp is a vulnerable route unless the working partner is 100% trustworthy and onboard.

Geneva1995 · 19/10/2019 20:31

I can’t help think of the poor families who have £15 a week to live on and feed their kids...

BolloxtoGender · 19/10/2019 20:34

Some posters totally missing the point that this is blatant financial and emotional abuse.

ainsisoisje · 19/10/2019 20:38

You shouldn’t be scrimping for a meal out or haircut in this situation. He needs to give you full access to the family money.

snottysystem · 19/10/2019 20:41

It's all very well saying ltb because she'd get more than £650 in maintenance, but by the time all the bills and living expenses were paid there certainly wouldn't be anything like £450 left for clothes and activities.

She would be entitled to some benefits as well though