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Original poster

Struggling financially

189 replies

Pandasandicecream · 19/10/2019 17:44

My dh and I have been married for 17 years and have two dc. Since the second dc (3) I’ve been a sahm. This is for various reasons, partly bexhase dh is away a lot and so everything regarding the children falls to me and partly because I was very unwell after dc2 and he was very unwell too.

My dh is a high earner - between £100k and £150k annually depending on bonuses. We don’t have a mortgage. We don’t have a joint account. Each month dh gives me £650. From that I spend about £100 on petrol and a further £100 on food. Dh pays for all other bills.
I’m left with £450 a month - I tend to pay for the children’s clothes (not shoes, can’t afford it) and day to day activities because I’m at home with them. I also give ds1 £20 pocket money a month. £450 sounds a lot but it isn’t. I struggled a lot over the summer holidays. If I want a hair cut or to buy a gift or go out for an evening I have to save. Dh meanwhile bought himself a very expensive watch last month because he felt like it and spends a lot of money on his hobby. He describes £50 as ‘not much money.’ He’s also been abroad with friends etc and obviously has no trouble affording it.
I understand it’s all his money and he’s earning it - I’m looking for a job. But I’m really struggling regarding money. I have the children all weekend too and finding things that are basically free is difficult. Ds1 is 11 now so his clothes are more expensive.

Dh won’t discuss it with me.
I just feel a bit, I don’t know, like a child. Like he gives me a set amount and that’s it and I don’t get a say in any financial decisions.

OP posts:
RedskyLastNight · 19/10/2019 18:30

Do you actually know how much disposable income your husband has?

none of us know if he's being unreasonable without knowing that.
Of course his salary sounds a lot, but there's been plenty of threads on here where posters maintain that 100K is really not that much - and on the basis that OP feels the £450 is not enough just to spend on odds and ends, they may very well have an expensive family lifestyle.

Original poster
Pandasandicecream · 19/10/2019 18:30

In the past when I’ve been really struggling - such as over the summer holidays or because of an unexpected expense - I’ve sold things of my own. But I don’t really have anything left to sell.

OP posts:
snottysystem · 19/10/2019 18:32

well there are mortgage free which makes a huge difference. 6k doesn't go as far as you think of you're paying 2k mortgage & 2k childcare for example but the op has none of these costs.

Is he saving for a pension for you?

Mummy0ftwo12 · 19/10/2019 18:33

What would happen if you started ordering more with the online shop so you didn't have to make the £100 a month for food up? e.g milk can keep for a week, get some long life for spares, get some part baked bread as part of the online order. The online order would go up in cost but would save you £100 a month for starters.

ukgift2016 · 19/10/2019 18:33

You would be better off if you split. He would have to pay you a lot more. You be entitled to child support, spousal maintenance and a share of the house.

Don't allow him to treat you like shit. You are meant to be a role model for your children.

humblebumblebees · 19/10/2019 18:34

This is outrageous. Ignore the earlier posters who are clearly deranged to imply you should have to manage on the paltry sum you are given.

A marriage is a partnership. You being a SAHM is what enables your shellfish H to earn the huge amount he earns. You are in an abusive and controlling relationship - you have been groomed over time to accept the unacceptable.

I didn't think I'd ever say this on MN but really, you need to see a solicitor and get things moving to leave this selfish bastard as soon as you can. There is another, happier life on your own with your children away from him. He would soon find he has to share a lot more of his income with you then, and that would be entirely fair. This has made me very angry on your behalf.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/10/2019 18:34

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

Do not stay within such a marriage because this is no legacy to leave your kids either.
Your husband is an abusive man who only cares about his own self, you and the kids are but bit part players here with he at the centre of his universe

Cambionome · 19/10/2019 18:35

You are selling your own things to get by while he is spending £1k on himself at the drop of a hat?? This is horrendous.

Fashionablylate1999 · 19/10/2019 18:36

www.google.com/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7079919/amp/Bankers-wife-tells-husband-controlling-argues-penny.html
Think this is worth read op, you're not alone in being abused in this manner

snottysystem · 19/10/2019 18:36

I think you would be entitled to 1.6k a month child maintenance if you split?

bookwormsforever · 19/10/2019 18:37

but I understand it’s all his money and I’m a parasite so I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not

It’s not all his money! He can only go out to work because you are facilitating it! You are looking after the home, the dc, cooking, cleaning, shopping...

If he had to pay for all those things, he might value your contribution more.

He is financially abusive, selfish, and a shit person.

I’d talk to him about it. Once. Say how unfair it is, you are equal partners, you would like equal access to the money you enable him to earn. He won’t take it well, but you could give him the chance.

Then leave him and get as much money out of him as you need.

What’s he like with the dc? Does he do anything with them?

He has no respect or care for you. His behaviour is completely unacceptable.

PepsiCat33 · 19/10/2019 18:39

You stay at home to look after your children (yours and your DH's...) He works. Why on earth have you agreed to an allowance system? How did you both come to this arrangement? You are in a partnership and contribute in different ways, whether it's money or childcare/looking after the house/shopping. It should be joint money and you spend and budget together. Do you know why he won't discuss it with you? It sounds extremely controlling - and a worrying sign that he won't talk or acknowledge the huge difference between what you each have access to spend.
Your language is also concerning - saying you are a parasite. Is this something you have been told/made to feel?

timshelthechoice · 19/10/2019 18:39

The OP has already stated that he will not discuss this with her.

I'd apply for a credit card, OP, then use it to hire a forensic accountant because he's financially abusing you and his kids.

Deemail · 19/10/2019 18:39

What do you want to do? Can you continue to live like this if he won't stop the financial abuse?
Have you any idea how much you would be entitled to in child support/spousal maintainance if you split?
Could you buy a house with half the proceeds from the family home?
You need to start on a seek and find mission and get an idea how much savings and investments he has.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/10/2019 18:40

You need to return to work and have your own finances. I’d also look at what you are spending on given you have no bills bar the odd but of food and petrol. £450 is a huge amount for just clothes and children’s activities. Most families spend no where near that a month.

SesameOil · 19/10/2019 18:40

The issue is not whether £450 a month for extras is cushy, or more than someone else gets, or enough to buy things for the children cheaply. Speaking as a veteran Ebay bundle purchaser. It's whether this is an acceptable situation when the husband gets nearly 7k a month, and there are no housing or childcare costs, OP has no access to the funds and he spends freely on himself. It is not. One member of the family is living very differently to the other three. We are on half of that and I wouldn't swap places.

snottysystem · 19/10/2019 18:45

. £450 is a huge amount for just clothes and children’s activities. Most families spend no where near that a month.

That's irrelevant, the issue is she should have access to more money.

humblebumblebees · 19/10/2019 18:45

OP, do you have somewhere you could go? Family to stay with or a good friend who could give you a safe place to stay just while you visit a solicitor and get things organised to set up life on your own?

You really do need to do something to change your situation. You are being abused, so please seek help and legal advice. You could start with Citizen's advice who will be able to steer you in the right direction. Are you a British citizen?

Molly2017 · 19/10/2019 18:45

For me this comes down to whether you want to stay with him? Do you still love him even though he is mean with money?
If you do, you need to raise the subject over and over. It might help to show him how much you are ‘saving’ him each month on childcare. Or to show him what the money is going on.
YANBU.
If you think you have lost all respect him and he will not change then start looking to separate. This is financial abuse, without doubt.
FWIW I became a SAHP after our first was born. My DH is also a high earner (as was I). His salary goes into our joint account. I have full access. If I was going to spend a lot I would run it past him, otherwise I don’t need to justify where the money goes. In fairness he can see from the statement but he has never complained about how much I spend or what I spend it on.

0SometimesIWonder · 19/10/2019 18:48

It's time for you both to get real - he is financially abusing you.
You are married, looking after his home and children and, if he sees it this way, he is hugely undervaluing your contribution to the household (as are you).
For starters, have a look here: www.housekeepercompany.co.uk/suggested-rates-of-pay/
And then get yourself into full time employment quick as you can.
He's a nasty, mean, selfish piece of work.

Molly2017 · 19/10/2019 18:50

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss the OP said she was unwell after the birth of her second child (as was her child) and she would have to do all childcare pick ups and drop offs if she returned to work.
Also given his history, do you honestly think he’d let the OP keep her wages and continue to give her £450 a month?
I doubt it.

Winsomelosesome · 19/10/2019 18:53

think it is a bit extreme to say leave him.

Is it? He's financially abusing you OP. You're married, it isn't 'his' money. If you disappeared tomorrow he'd be paying out more than that in childcare alone. Personally I'd divorce him, you'd get at least double that in child maintenance alone. I'd be going for the house and his pension too, oh and spousal support since you've facilitated his career. Maybe pointing that out to him might make him think again. If you want to stay with him I wouldn't settle for anything less than complete access/joint accounts and no having to justify any expenditure.

Fairylea · 19/10/2019 18:57

How can anyone still love someone who treats them like this? It’s just so disrespectful. It shows he places no value whatsoever in what the stay at home parent does, let alone seeing them as an equal / team player. I would definitely leave. I’d love to see his face when he’s financially fucked over.

OPnameChange · 19/10/2019 19:02

Your H is controlling you and dc through by financial means. It's a form of abuse and I wouldn't be surprised if there is wider ranging abuse in your relationship and general home life.

Get a job. Get H to sort out childcare. Put some money aside each month without telling him, then leave him when you have enough.

Your H is a monumental prick. Sorry, OP.

maternity123qwe · 19/10/2019 19:04

You’d be financially better off on your own OP, child maintenance and spousal maintenance would be a hell of a Lot more than £450 a month. Plus half the house.... you’d be sorted.
I’m not suggesting you should be money grabbing but he sounds like a monumental financial abusive prick