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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's all going to kick off...

198 replies

RainMinusBow · 19/10/2019 03:01

This is such a hard situation for me, hoping for some words of wisdom...

Five years ago I left my ex-husband. He was abusive in every way except physically (although it was heading that way), the main issue being horrendous control.

Our two boys were just 3 and 6 when I left him and he was awarded 50:50 shared care by the courts which is still in place.

Five years on we are both in new relationships. They have very different dynamics. His gf is 17 years his junior and does not have much at all to do with the boys (this suits them both). I have never seen nor met her. My fiancé is of a similar age to me and enjoys time as a family (especially as he has no bio of his own) and is a great support.

My ex is still furious at me for leaving him and still attempts to exert control in any way possible; it is now usually through the kids. He sends aggressive emails and text messages etc and often demands money for things he believes we should split. Example is a brand new top spec iPhone he purchased for out 12 yo recently. To explain finances...both myself and fiancé work ft on a joint income of around £38k pa, ex earns £105k+ pa and gf is unemployed. No maintenance due as 50/50 and he "claims" CB for one son.

Here's the big "but"...I'm almost 8 weeks pregnant with my third child (fiancé's first). I know ex will go MAD and will brainwash the boys into "how bad" things will be when the baby is here, "how selfish" I am to "do this to them" etc. He will then take me back to court (again) at which point he will probably have brainwashed to such an extent that the boys will say they want to live with their dad more. I know this is not really what they want.

This would break me. My eldest already suffers from high anxiety due to life at his dad's being far from stable. I can hand on heart say, despite so much pain and provactation, that I have always put my children first and will continue to do so.

This baby is much longed for and planned. At 39 and with a history of recurrent mc things are already stressful and this fear of ex's reaction and knowing what his game plan will be is making it so much worse.

I'd love nothing more than to share this happy time with my fiancé, especially as this will be his first child (he always wanted children but it never happened with him and his first wife), but instead I'm absolutely dreading telling the kids as I can almost predict what is going to happen.

Sorry for long post!

Any advice most gratefully received.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 19/10/2019 03:32

No advice, but support 💐

BrokenLogs · 19/10/2019 03:39

Did you think about this scenario before you started TTC? Only that I think you probably did, weighed it up and still wanted the baby.

So you need to hang onto those reasons when you're doubting yourself. If your ds decide to live with your ex than that will be the new normal for you all, as a new baby and different family dynamic has become the new normal for your DC.

It's a shame your ex is such a dick. But this is not unknown at this stage, you made this choice.

Good luck with the pregnancy Flowers

YouNeedToCalmDown · 19/10/2019 03:46

This is so sad OP. This should be a happy time for you all and instead you are wondering what your horrible ex will do.

I don't want to wish ill harm on anyone, so won't say I hope your ex gets hit by a truck, but wouldn't it be grand if a rabid bird pecked out his tongue so he could no longer talk and spread his toxicity to your children?

Perhaps you could keep your happy news from your children until about 20 weeks to limit the time your ex knows about it. And then really involve them in the decoration of the nursery and all purchases. I don't know how old they are, but make sure they are completely involved and really hype up the 'big brother' role and responsibility.

Longdistance · 19/10/2019 03:51

Off topic slightly, but how is he claiming cb for one of your sons on his salary?
I agree about keeping it secret until 20 weeks.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 19/10/2019 03:57

Yes we did of course consider ex's reaction before ttc but feel that I can't let him control me even further by "scaring" me into not having a child with my fiancé. Should I let him dictate what myself and my fiancé decide in life?

It's not as simple as accepting it if my boys chose to live with their dad ft - just because I'll have a new baby doesn't mean I can just be OK with losing my boys even more than I've had to do. When they are with him they often call me in distress because he's either working 24/7 and they are being ignored or he's rowing again with his gf.

The crazy thing is that ex has told boys there's no possibility of his gf ever wanting a baby, but she's only 26 so I don't think she can say definitely never iyswim?

I don't know why having a new baby can't be a positive thing for all of us?

OP posts:
Original poster
RainMinusBow · 19/10/2019 03:58

@Longdistance He claims it then pays it back in tax simply so I can't have it.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainMinusBow · 19/10/2019 04:00

@46YouNeedToCalmDown My boys are 12 and 9 so can't keep it until 20 weeks as I'll definitely be showing!

OP posts:
Original poster
RainMinusBow · 19/10/2019 04:02

Oh and the baby will be in with us as we don't have a spare room for a nursery. We'll hopefully move when it's time for baby not to be in with us.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 19/10/2019 04:08

Just off the top of my head, but could you go back to court to challenge the percentage of time they spend with him? If your son's know you are doing this at the same time your pregnancy is announced, he won't be able to convince them that the baby will usurp them.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 19/10/2019 04:18

@Coyoacan We spoke to the boys recently and they have said they are OK with the 50:50 arrangement as it is currently, mainly because it's all they've really ever known.

Whilst I think deep down they would both like more time with me they would be too scared to tell their dad that as they are well aware of what his reaction would be.

What concerns us is the fact that as soon as they know about the new baby their dad will be using this as a "weapon" and telling the boys how much this baby will negatively impact their lives.

He will say things like we only have three beds so my boys will have to share again (which they won't, baby will be in with us), eldest won't be able to do his homework in peace etc...

Hopefully when ex does take me to court saying these things judge will see through it. I'm not confident in the legal system though.

Surely it's not unusual for a woman to have another child within a new relationship?

OP posts:
prawnsword · 19/10/2019 04:21

Op they will always see the truth in time.

Just navigate your way through life with then knowing you have integrity & your sons will see their father for who he is sooner or later.

prawnsword · 19/10/2019 04:27

Op but won’t in time the kids see the baby isn’t negatively impacting their lives because you know...you won’t do anything to make them feel that way? They are already intimidated by him. Who knows, in a few years they might be rolling they eyes at his latest antics & see his meddling ways ! Just pretend he does not exist. If they say “things will be terrible when baby gets here” because they heard it from their father, ask open ended questions. Be confused, because hey it is confusing why someone would say such a lie! “Gee son why do you feel this way?” Reassure them. Don’t bad mouth him & make sure your home remains free of his toxicity. If you can see your house as a toxic free zone from his nasty vibe.

WhoEatsPopTarts · 19/10/2019 04:28

Don’t ask the boys what they want, too much responsibility for them at that age and way too hard for them to choose. I’d change tack and go back to court to try and change the percentage of time you have them, include any shitty emails/texts from Ex and examples like his attitude to the CB. Tell your boys once the process starts, don’t ask just let them know that you and DF really want to see more of them and this is what you’re doing.

Allthematchingchristmasclothes · 19/10/2019 04:30

OP I have a similar worry to you - my ex is already telling DS he doesn’t have to go to to the secondary school in my area (he’s 8) and his Dad is his number 1 so I can definitely see a time when he’ll want to go and live with him - but why would it be 100% You would still have a split arrangement - no court is going to order that x

prawnsword · 19/10/2019 04:34

if your ex threatens you with court just ignore it. A judge would see through such a farce. These are empty threats based on lies & fabrications designed to control you from afar. Am not sure that it’s right for your boys to be put in a position to decide to live with him. If you believe your children are too intimidated of their parent to say what they want then you need to protect them & be their advocate. I feel like you are terrified of your ex & in turn wanting to keep the peace but ultimately this would be a heavy burden for a child to bear. You’re going to need to be brave & put him on mute, or stand back & see his huffing & puffing as the desperate acts of some kind of disorded personality.

Monty27 · 19/10/2019 04:41

OP. Your DC's are now 8/9 and 14/15?
No judge in their right mind would force them to be where they don't want to be. Not at that level of shared parenting I shouldn't have thought.
What do you think should happen so that you are happy with the arrangement?
How do you think your other DC's would feel about this and how your partner feels about reaching a solution?
Confused

Pixxie7 · 19/10/2019 05:13

Congratulations on being pregnant. Trust your kids they are not daft, they will see through him and his games. Try and enjoy your new happier life you deserve it.

snowbear66 · 19/10/2019 05:26

I think that you need to explain clearly to your boys how much you love them and how much you want to continue the 50/50 and that it’s not up to their dad.
One couple having another child doesn’t sound a good enough reason for a court to overturn the arrangement that is already in place.

AgentJohnson · 19/10/2019 05:31

Have yet kept every text and Nast email? Your Ex will be your Ex but his predictability is to your advantage. Now is the time to start thinking about professional support for your boys.

My ex wasn’t controlling, just incredibly shitty. Which made the investment of a child psychologist for DD the best thing I could do for her. A professional third party who I could share the support of her emotional needs with.

nomoreclue · 19/10/2019 05:38

Isn’t there such a thing as parental alienation though? Could you not go back to your solicitor with all the emails/texts and make a claim for parental alienation and that you want more than 50/50? Whilst that’s going to court, tell the kids about your baby. If he then kicks off it just proves your point?

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/10/2019 05:39

You need to get some support for your dcs. Are the schools aware of the dynamics for starters?

I get your reasoning for having another child. But you have made a different choice from the one you’ve made. This is something you’ve surely planned for. Haven’t you been talking to your boys about the future and possibilities for some time seeing as this is a much awaited baby? Discussed their place in your family etc?

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/10/2019 05:40

Oops made a different choice from to one I’d have made.

Thingsdogetbetter · 19/10/2019 08:10

You know the bollox he'll come out with, so preempt. When you tell the boys have an afternoon set aside and explain the rooms plan, how people don't have a finite amount of love etc. Get them to draw pictures of new family, remind 12 year old that he didn't lose out when his brother was born. Get them involved and excited. Tell them a couple of days before they see their father, and sit them down again before and ask if they have questions or concerns.

Play smart. You know the 'opposing team's' play book so use it against him! He's a manipulative bastard, so you need to manipulate (in a good way) right back!

AngusThermopyle · 19/10/2019 08:18

I came to say exactly what thingsdogetbetter said. Sit your boys down and preempt everything you can think of.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 19/10/2019 08:23

@39Mummyoflittledragon My children have always known I'd hoped for a larger family as their dad made it perfectly clear to us all after our second son was born there were to be no more. However he refused to have a vasectomy so we basically stopped having sex. He wasn't bothered by that though - he was never really that fussed about sex for pleasure!
Could I ask you why you personally wouldn't have made the same decision?

Thank you so much everyone for your support. My experience of the courts is that they don't take into account coercive control, despite the law apparently having changed.

I am terrified of my ex - his rage is going to be through the roof. My fear is he will try to hurt me somehow when I am pregnant in order to harm the baby. I know this sounds irrational but his behaviour was so bad in the past that it's a real concern. For example, he used to take away my debit card from my purse so I couldn't buy food and at other times lock me out of the house. Just the tip of the iceberg.

OP posts: