Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's all going to kick off...

198 replies

RainMinusBow · 19/10/2019 03:01

This is such a hard situation for me, hoping for some words of wisdom...

Five years ago I left my ex-husband. He was abusive in every way except physically (although it was heading that way), the main issue being horrendous control.

Our two boys were just 3 and 6 when I left him and he was awarded 50:50 shared care by the courts which is still in place.

Five years on we are both in new relationships. They have very different dynamics. His gf is 17 years his junior and does not have much at all to do with the boys (this suits them both). I have never seen nor met her. My fiancé is of a similar age to me and enjoys time as a family (especially as he has no bio of his own) and is a great support.

My ex is still furious at me for leaving him and still attempts to exert control in any way possible; it is now usually through the kids. He sends aggressive emails and text messages etc and often demands money for things he believes we should split. Example is a brand new top spec iPhone he purchased for out 12 yo recently. To explain finances...both myself and fiancé work ft on a joint income of around £38k pa, ex earns £105k+ pa and gf is unemployed. No maintenance due as 50/50 and he "claims" CB for one son.

Here's the big "but"...I'm almost 8 weeks pregnant with my third child (fiancé's first). I know ex will go MAD and will brainwash the boys into "how bad" things will be when the baby is here, "how selfish" I am to "do this to them" etc. He will then take me back to court (again) at which point he will probably have brainwashed to such an extent that the boys will say they want to live with their dad more. I know this is not really what they want.

This would break me. My eldest already suffers from high anxiety due to life at his dad's being far from stable. I can hand on heart say, despite so much pain and provactation, that I have always put my children first and will continue to do so.

This baby is much longed for and planned. At 39 and with a history of recurrent mc things are already stressful and this fear of ex's reaction and knowing what his game plan will be is making it so much worse.

I'd love nothing more than to share this happy time with my fiancé, especially as this will be his first child (he always wanted children but it never happened with him and his first wife), but instead I'm absolutely dreading telling the kids as I can almost predict what is going to happen.

Sorry for long post!

Any advice most gratefully received.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 19:40

@HisBetterHalf I've contacted the CB people and explained but he is allowed to claim it (and thus remove it from coming to me) but he will be expected to pay it back in tax (if he tells the truth about his earnings). He is currently after £40 from me for a £1000 mobile he purchased for our son as a gift and has just bought his third car for £85k!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 19:41

@38LemonPrism I'm going to be showing by then so the kids will know. But we will wait as long as poss. We've got to get through the 12 week scan yet anyway and I'm terrified!

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 20/10/2019 19:42

"It isn't abnormal for separated couples to go on and have children with another partner is it? I know of quite a few."

Of course not, but you say that he's going to poison your existing kids against you to the extent where you may well lose what residence you have, that that would 'break' you and that you're terrified for your personal safety when he finds out. If that's all true then in all those circumstances I wouldn't have been actively having any more kids.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 19:43

@75Renarde please accept my apologies for not addressing you correctly.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 19:46

@42Ginger1982 But can't you see that this would be giving him further control of my life? To bully me into not making my own decisions? If it was in any way anything to do with him then fair enough, but we're divorced and both with new partners.

OP posts:
velocitygirl7 · 20/10/2019 19:50

But it's not about whether your ex is or isn't controlling you!!!
It's about what's best for your dc, you and your current dp should be putting them first. If he's worth it, he's want to do that!

Ginger1982 · 20/10/2019 19:54

"But can't you see that this would be giving him further control of my life? To bully me into not making my own decisions?"

Well only you know if it'll be worth all the drama.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 19:54

The way I see it...ex is the bully. He is in the wrong. We should not have to change our plans/ignore our feelings because of his narcissism. He will cause hell but he does at any decision I make that he doesn't "authorise" or "agree" with.

OP posts:
readitandwept · 20/10/2019 20:42

But can't you see that this would be giving him further control of my life? To bully me into not making my own decisions?

So you've taken control and made the decision, knowing the outcome is likely to be the same? That he'll alienate you from your kids? That the stress of it all will no doubt put more pressure on your existing relationship? But now there will be third innocent child in the mix?

I can't see how that's in any way worth it.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 20:55

But they are his issues. His wrongs. I can't live my life being affected by them.

OP posts:
readitandwept · 20/10/2019 21:00

But you started his thread because you're so sure that your life and yours kids lives is very much going to be affected by them?

rvby · 20/10/2019 21:08

But they are his issues. His wrongs. I can't live my life being affected by them. no you do already live your life affected by them. His wrongs are part of your life because you had kids with him. Ignoring that and having another child, and then blaming him for any anguish, is a sign that you dont understand how life works.

Again... life isnt fair. Only children think life is fair and you sound like a child tbh.

Ginger1982 · 20/10/2019 21:08

So what 'advice' were you hoping to get then?

Schuyler · 20/10/2019 21:17

” But they are his issues. His wrongs. I can't live my life being affected by them.”

Yet, you chose to start a thread and talked about how it will impact on you and your children. Your choice has impacted on your children. That’s all there is to it.
I’ve read your previous threads and seen all the advice and support we’ve tried to give you. You don’t want to listen. You knew having a baby would affect your existing children due to your ex’s behaviour but you did it anyway.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 21:20

Yes because I refuse to be controlled for the rest of my live/our lives by his narcissism.

I was hoping people would advise me on how to reduce/minimise his sick behaviour tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 21:24

Spoke to a lovely lady on the DV Helpline tonight. She was really helpful. Advised fiancé visits ex to tell him separately and that when we do tell the kids to explain how the baby can very much be a positive addition to our family. She also suggested I could look into a Non Molestation Order as CPS are now taking coercive control seriously.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 21:26

@rvby It's not ex's baby btw

OP posts:
readitandwept · 20/10/2019 21:28

Did you ask for any advice about your current partner?

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 21:29

In what way?

OP posts:
SoyDora · 20/10/2019 21:34

But they are his issues. His wrongs. I can't live my life being affected by them

But can’t you see it’s not only you being affected by them? It’s your children too?
Your children are here, they exist. Their father is an abusive twat, who has the potential to cause misery to them upon finding out you’re having another baby. In that scenario, regardless of what I wanted, there would be absolutely no way I’d be having another child. Not to appease him, but because of the potential impact on my existing children.
You know what the potential impact on them could be, you knew that before conceiving, but you did it anyway/

readitandwept · 20/10/2019 21:38

In what way?

Your previous threads suggest he's not a great partner either. It was suggested a few times on one of those threads that you phone Women's Aid about him.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 21:43

OK. So what if we wanted to, for example, move house to another area but he objected? Saying it was a "rough area" or "not suitable" for the children. Just putting it out there as he has tried that before... He's told my eldest our house is dangerous because his bedroom is downstairs.

What if he said he didn't want the children to travel abroad because "flying is dangerous"? We've had that one too.

I guess what I'm asking is do I just abide by his wishes because he objects to literally everything I do?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 20/10/2019 21:47

Well it would be up to you to decide whether doing those things in defiance of him was worth the potential fall out.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 21:50

Of course it would be as his "beliefs" are ridiculous! Never going abroad because "flying is dangerous" and having a bedroom downstairs is unsuitable for a 12 yo!! I've never heard such crap!!!!

OP posts:
rvby · 20/10/2019 21:51

This isn't a flight or a house it's an actual human being you're bringing into this mess. The child will be around for an entire lifetime.

Yet again, if you can't see that impact and how different it is to a flight or a house, then I fear for your children.