It's all going to kick off...

[RainMinusBow]

This is such a hard situation for me, hoping for some words of wisdom...

Five years ago I left my ex-husband. He was abusive in every way except physically (although it was heading that way), the main issue being horrendous control.

Our two boys were just 3 and 6 when I left him and he was awarded 50:50 shared care by the courts which is still in place.

Five years on we are both in new relationships. They have very different dynamics. His gf is 17 years his junior and does not have much at all to do with the boys (this suits them both). I have never seen nor met her. My fiancé is of a similar age to me and enjoys time as a family (especially as he has no bio of his own) and is a great support.

My ex is still furious at me for leaving him and still attempts to exert control in any way possible; it is now usually through the kids. He sends aggressive emails and text messages etc and often demands money for things he believes we should split. Example is a brand new top spec iPhone he purchased for out 12 yo recently. To explain finances...both myself and fiancé work ft on a joint income of around £38k pa, ex earns £105k+ pa and gf is unemployed. No maintenance due as 50/50 and he "claims" CB for one son.

Here's the big "but"...I'm almost 8 weeks pregnant with my third child (fiancé's first). I know ex will go MAD and will brainwash the boys into "how bad" things will be when the baby is here, "how selfish" I am to "do this to them" etc. He will then take me back to court (again) at which point he will probably have brainwashed to such an extent that the boys will say they want to live with their dad more. I know this is not really what they want.

This would break me. My eldest already suffers from high anxiety due to life at his dad's being far from stable. I can hand on heart say, despite so much pain and provactation, that I have always put my children first and will continue to do so.

This baby is much longed for and planned. At 39 and with a history of recurrent mc things are already stressful and this fear of ex's reaction and knowing what his game plan will be is making it so much worse.

I'd love nothing more than to share this happy time with my fiancé, especially as this will be his first child (he always wanted children but it never happened with him and his first wife), but instead I'm absolutely dreading telling the kids as I can almost predict what is going to happen.

Sorry for long post!

Any advice most gratefully received.

I don’t know the back story here but clearly there is one under another username where it seems your partner isn’t the supportive lovely man you’re making him out to be here?

Added to which, your eldest has anxiety, and your ex is apparently manipulating the children against you, and you know that if you had another baby he would essentially convince the children to go and live with him, and yet you went ahead and had another baby anyway?

What’s done is done and the baby has been conceived, however, you knew that if you had another baby you stood to lose your children, so given that you knew that and decided to go ahead regardless I’m afraid to say that you went ahead with a pregnancy knowing the price you would likely have to pay for it.

Also I’m a bit concerned re the language you’ve used when talking about your DP. You say this is his first baby and that’s important to him, how you don’t want to be letting him down etc etc. I’m wondering if you have in fact traded one emotionally controlling man for another?

At the end of the day all you can do is to tell your children about the pregnancy. Don’t engage with the ex over it. If, as you say, the children would like to spend more time with you and see through their dad, they won’t listen to what he’s saying, even if they are upset by it.

But if especially the eldest does express a wish to move in with his dad then I do think you will need to do some soul-searching with regards to how the children perceive things to be as opposed to how the adults do.

Because from here it actually looks to me as if none of the adults are putting the children first here.

My OP and I had a row when we were moving house and I posted on here about it. Big mistake as I should LTB. I thought all couples had fallings out ocassionally?

As I've said before, I don't think it is right that I continue to allow my controlling ex to make decisions for me or scare me into not having a much longed for baby because he doesn't like the idea. He still objects to the fact I am no longer known as Mrs * - changes it on all of the forms I complete!!!

A few of the PPs have highlighted a big concern in my mind. That your new partner OP is also an abuser.

Your case is rare in that in your post OP, you dont raise any questions about your current partners behaviour. But others have. And I'd suspected it.

OP. You are pregnant. What are you going to do?

I’m wondering if you have in fact traded one emotionally controlling man for another?

In light of OP apparently having concerns enough to make threads previously about him, I wonder about that too.

Because from here it actually looks to me as if none of the adults are putting the children first here

Yes.

Also wondering if the present partner wants a child with OP to kind of mark his territory?

Did you discuss this with your kids beforehand since you knew their dad would poison them against the idea? Like just say that you're planning to have another baby and how things will be if it happens?

Op, I naively thought you current op was a positive for you & your dc but it's possibly looking even more bleak for your dc?

My non negotiable when moving on from my ex dh, was a man who would understand from the off that my dc came first.
My dh put his own desire to have a child to one side and focussed on the well being of his stepchildren. This should be the norm, sadly I think it rarely is.

OP, while I agree that sometimes the LTB sentiment on here can be a bit strong, if posters remember your thread among the thousands of others posted here and which was posted under a different username, I suspect that it was far worse than just being “a falling out.”

You think the new gf will want rising-teens living f/t with them?

Nah!

Talk to your boys about the new baby, ask them about what they think the good things about having a baby in the house will be, what the ‘nuisance’ things will be, and what questions they have. Then you can address any of their worries (about bedrooms for example) before their Dad starts. Don’t try and do a hard sell on the baby, let them have their own reactions. Because any new baby in a family affects the status quo for older kids, and it wasn’t their choice to have a baby. I’m not saying having a new baby is bad, far from it, but older kids are so often given no space to express insecurities, and in this case this is where your Ex will potentially find his way in.

And have the talk when they still have a few days with you before going to their Dad’s so that new things to ask can occur to them.

Yes, OP, it probably is all going to kick off and you knew it would as you’ve had threads on here about your rich evil ex for years and it’s always the same story.

Like NoCauseRebel my view of your current partner, based on the number of times his behaviour has led people on here to tell you to leave him, is very poor but you won’t listen so all anyone can do is wish your children luck.

Oh. You are the poster who went camping with your DP and had a miserable time because there was no food and he wasn’t empathetic or understanding of your boys?

Can you afford another baby? Can your MH withstand all the pressures?

Take care of yourself, Rain... the bow is out there but you won’t be able to reach it if you are under so much pressure you can’t see it.

Surely the ex must work a lot of not away a lot in that inflated salary - so assuming the gf takes care of the boys in ‘his’ time?

How much time does he actually spend with them?

Would the GF really want them full time? Being 27 with two boys doesn’t sound much fun for her does it?

I doubt he’ll get anywhere near full custody based on the arrival of a new baby.

Thanks for all of your replies. My fiancé and I have been through some difficulties, not least with the pressure of my ex. But despite all of this we are a happy and strong couple and I have no doubt that we will get through the difficulties we face.

I came on here looking for support and advice re my ex situation and again I feel that some posters are just out here to criticise and condemn.

I have my first scan shortly and with my anxiety issues I'm trying hard to stay positive so think the best thing to do would be to let this be my last post on this. Just that on the last scan I had it had gone from healthy and right for dates baby with a hb to baby that had passed away.

Thanks again to those who have offered constructive and helpful advice, I do appreciate it.

I don't think you can blame all the difficulties with your present partner on the ex situation, if what the posters who recognise you say is true.

I can't get past your Ex so determined to fuck you over that he claims CB for one of the children, even though he makes too much to keep it, so pays it back in tax rather than let you have it and use it on the boy. Says it all about him IMO, and nothing good.

Fight to keep you boys with you at least half of the time.Fight for them.

If you love, support and nurture your children they will see for themselves what your character is as well as that of your ex.
If he was a control freak with you he will still be like that with the kids and they will realise that.

The thing is, your ex is part of your life. It's not fair, it's awful and upsetting. But there he is, hes in your life and isnt leaving.

Again, for me, knowing that this person was in my life, theres no WAY I would indulge myself in another baby. Just no way. Its selfish to have kids at all, but to purposely bring one into a situation of strife and potential violence, is really beyond selfish.

Add to that it sounds like your new partner is awful anyway. And, even worse, you yourself dont seem to have the skills or insight to accept your situation and make the best of it. Its extremely worrying that you got pregnant and are now just sitting around anticipating the drama. If you were facing it with stoicism and a solid plan, that would be a much more promising sign.

I suspect you're one of those people who just thinks babies are always positive and "a blessing" which is nonsense but I guess this is how children end up in chaotic homes so there you go.

I hope this situation ends in a way where the children involved are protected from more upheaval, pain and drama.

Maybe it'll suit your new dp quite well if you lose your boys to the ex.

I think there are a lot of rather angry people on here. It's a shame all some women seem to want to do is tear other people down and are very judgemental about how other people live their lives.

@rvby Did you honestly mean it's selfish to have children or was that a typo?

Yes of course we can all agree to disagree but must we add an uneccesary level of uncalled for vitriol?

The more I see on here the more I'm beginning to feel that MN isn't the place for me.

I would just do the opposite of what you think your ex will do.
When you tell your children just tell them in a very happy way and tell them all the positive changes that are happening. Just let them know how awesome its gonna be for them to have a little sibling and involve them in everything. If you dont have a nursery just decorate your room a bit. Let the kids help when picking the crib, toys, clothes.
And when they do come home from thwir dads and he put something in their head try to just be reassuring and open to talk to them about everything, encourage them to ask you questions about the baby and life with a new baby in the family.

Of course it's selfish to have children. No one was asked if they wanted to be born, were they? Or what sort of parents they'd like.

We have children because WE want to, in the west anyway.

I totally get what rvby means.

OP

I have scanned the previous posters comments . They are right. You are wrong.

Yes, I'm being brutal here. You now have three children and you my lovely are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I do feel very much for you.

Fighting two narcs is an incredibly difficult thing to do. I do it all the time. But I have three aware narcs on my arse. Poor me!

I can and will help you. For you and your children. But you have to be able to recognise the fact you're being abused on two fronts. Thats not easy. I recognise and acknowledge this.

There are very simple ways to defeat it but you have to be onside or you will continually undermine any attempt that's made to help you. And I'm not putting energy in any longer to people who refuse to help themselves.

I want to help. But you must want to help yourself.

Of course having kids is selfish. I mean who are you having the child for if not for yourself, to meet your own needs and fulfill your own emotions? Can you think who else you're having a baby for? God??

It's not vitriol to point out that your choices will cause suffering. Again, this is just reality, which you seem to struggle to accept. If you want people to lie to you, yes, go where the liars are I suppose.

@MarianaMoatedGrange Completely disagree. I have a friend, for example, who is happy to admit she never wants children because it would mean giving up her free lifestyle and time and money. Whilst I totally respect that pov, that could be also seen as "selfish". After all, being a good parent is often about willingly making sacrifices. I don't think that's selfish at all.

@rvby I'm not religious but yes, a lot of people believe that having a child is God's will. Again, I fully respect their pov.

Having abother child will "cause suffering" in what way exactly?

@rvby Please refrain from calling anybody a liar simply because they don't share your opinions.