It's all going to kick off...

[RainMinusBow]

This is such a hard situation for me, hoping for some words of wisdom...

Five years ago I left my ex-husband. He was abusive in every way except physically (although it was heading that way), the main issue being horrendous control.

Our two boys were just 3 and 6 when I left him and he was awarded 50:50 shared care by the courts which is still in place.

Five years on we are both in new relationships. They have very different dynamics. His gf is 17 years his junior and does not have much at all to do with the boys (this suits them both). I have never seen nor met her. My fiancé is of a similar age to me and enjoys time as a family (especially as he has no bio of his own) and is a great support.

My ex is still furious at me for leaving him and still attempts to exert control in any way possible; it is now usually through the kids. He sends aggressive emails and text messages etc and often demands money for things he believes we should split. Example is a brand new top spec iPhone he purchased for out 12 yo recently. To explain finances...both myself and fiancé work ft on a joint income of around £38k pa, ex earns £105k+ pa and gf is unemployed. No maintenance due as 50/50 and he "claims" CB for one son.

Here's the big "but"...I'm almost 8 weeks pregnant with my third child (fiancé's first). I know ex will go MAD and will brainwash the boys into "how bad" things will be when the baby is here, "how selfish" I am to "do this to them" etc. He will then take me back to court (again) at which point he will probably have brainwashed to such an extent that the boys will say they want to live with their dad more. I know this is not really what they want.

This would break me. My eldest already suffers from high anxiety due to life at his dad's being far from stable. I can hand on heart say, despite so much pain and provactation, that I have always put my children first and will continue to do so.

This baby is much longed for and planned. At 39 and with a history of recurrent mc things are already stressful and this fear of ex's reaction and knowing what his game plan will be is making it so much worse.

I'd love nothing more than to share this happy time with my fiancé, especially as this will be his first child (he always wanted children but it never happened with him and his first wife), but instead I'm absolutely dreading telling the kids as I can almost predict what is going to happen.

Sorry for long post!

Any advice most gratefully received.

I think you should try for a non-molestation order for the ex. Then go back to court to try for less access for him.

No, you're saying never have a new baby because abusive ex will attempt to brainwash kids. So instead of standing up to him I should not rock the boat. so this is about getting back at the ex? “Standing up” to him? You want a baby to show him and stand up to him?

You’re no better than he is.

I'm leaving this thread now. I didn't post on here to have nasty comments thrown at me when in fact you don't know my situation or my family. My boys are settled and happy. My eldest son is in top 5% of his school year group academically and has just been awarded a music scholarship.They are both thriving and will continue to do so.

You're deluded if you think having a baby is 'standing up to him.' You seem to be wanting to court the drama you claim will ensue.

Would a DV helpline really advise someone to send their partner round to tell the ex about a new baby? . Doesn’t sound like very sound advice to me...

My boys are settled and happy.

Until they get brainwashed?

Everything @AnneLovesGilbert said with bells on.

Yes as advice was narcissists like to feel informed and important and this is a way of doing it. And so he doesn't hear first off via the kids.

Then go back to court to try for less access for him.

Unless she leaves the current partner, that will be taking the kids from the frying pan to the fire.

I hope they are strong enough and smart enough to recognise his brainwashing and ignore it.They are starting to do so successfully.

No, sounds very unlikely to me too, nocauserebel.

I'm sure your sons are thriving living with an abusive stepdad, in the middle of an endless war between their parents, and a mum who goes from abusive relationship to abusive relationship

It's not an abusive relationship! It's not a pefect one but we're happy. There have been hurdles and stresses but that's life.

Look, the baby may not be viable anyway.

Only 8 weeks!

I genuinely wish you and your kids well, OP. But my advice about finding your worth and reconsidering your boundaries still stands. The circumstances and relationship you are in now may seem better than before, but if you won't act now, I really hope you do at the first sign of trouble when the baby arrives. They do say that's when it ramps up and I think you and your kids will be pretty vulnerable, emotionally, at the very least.

Good luck.

IF the baby arrives. But thank you for wishing us well.

Firstly, congratulations.
Having just divorced a person like yours ex, I empathise.
Now,
I think that you should just sow some seeds with your sons slowly for now, things like: what would it be like if me and do, were to get married ( doesn’t mean you are, just opens the questions up) would you them want to spend more or less time with us or dad? What if we were to grow our family? What do you think of that? Etc...
That gives them time to think things thru without pressure and you time to work thru things.

You have a new life with a decent human being, please don’t let your ex spoil it for you. You have already won in so many ways.

I wish you well

8 weeks pregnant, so you’ve known for 4 weeks, you’ve had bad luck with pregnancies in the past, and you’re posting about your ex and what he may or may not do. Managed to throw him his salary as you do every time. Your son has severe anxiety and is equally thriving. Frankly quite bizarre.

“My eldest already suffers from high anxiety due to life at his dad's being far from stable.”
“My boys are settled and happy.”

You can say what you like, it’s your thread but the emotional and mental well-being of your children is at stake. It doesn’t matter what we think, they matter.

@AnneLovesGilbert I'm not sure what you mean by the comment "You've known for four weeks"?

@user1486131602 We are engaged and do plan to get married in the future. My boys are pleased about this and have asked if they can both play their cornets, love them. Eldest says no to a pink tie though!! They have ignored their dad who says it is "disrespectful" to him if they attend our wedding so I'm proud of them for that 😊

I agree with Nocause, no dv helpline would advise that. Quite well they shouldn't. Your ex should know nothing about it until you've spoken to your children at the longest possible point until they see their dad again. It does sound like there's a lot going on that isn't clear on this thread, I wish you the best OP but you must prioritise your existing children. Please do that and not put a 'new' baby with another man and starting another family before them because your new partner wants one of his own.

I see that actually your ex has already had the kids tell you themselves that they'll live with dad if you get pregnant?

The advice was to tell the kids first when we know pregnancy is "safer" and then tell ex. Because eldest has a mobile so will easily and quickly communicate the news to his father. I can't tell ex f2f (nor would I want to) as legal advice is minimal direct contact.

This is what we did when we found out mum had cancer and it seemed to work quite well in terms of taking in the news. I know it's a different type of news of course but same sort of principal.

@readitandwept Yes because they asked him too if he'd ever have a baby with his gf. He categorically said never although I'm not sure he can be 100% certain on that one?

Your kids already told you that. You knew the dad was already prepping them. Yet you went ahead TTC anyway? And now you're asking how to stop them going to him?