It's all going to kick off...

[RainMinusBow]

This is such a hard situation for me, hoping for some words of wisdom...

Five years ago I left my ex-husband. He was abusive in every way except physically (although it was heading that way), the main issue being horrendous control.

Our two boys were just 3 and 6 when I left him and he was awarded 50:50 shared care by the courts which is still in place.

Five years on we are both in new relationships. They have very different dynamics. His gf is 17 years his junior and does not have much at all to do with the boys (this suits them both). I have never seen nor met her. My fiancé is of a similar age to me and enjoys time as a family (especially as he has no bio of his own) and is a great support.

My ex is still furious at me for leaving him and still attempts to exert control in any way possible; it is now usually through the kids. He sends aggressive emails and text messages etc and often demands money for things he believes we should split. Example is a brand new top spec iPhone he purchased for out 12 yo recently. To explain finances...both myself and fiancé work ft on a joint income of around £38k pa, ex earns £105k+ pa and gf is unemployed. No maintenance due as 50/50 and he "claims" CB for one son.

Here's the big "but"...I'm almost 8 weeks pregnant with my third child (fiancé's first). I know ex will go MAD and will brainwash the boys into "how bad" things will be when the baby is here, "how selfish" I am to "do this to them" etc. He will then take me back to court (again) at which point he will probably have brainwashed to such an extent that the boys will say they want to live with their dad more. I know this is not really what they want.

This would break me. My eldest already suffers from high anxiety due to life at his dad's being far from stable. I can hand on heart say, despite so much pain and provactation, that I have always put my children first and will continue to do so.

This baby is much longed for and planned. At 39 and with a history of recurrent mc things are already stressful and this fear of ex's reaction and knowing what his game plan will be is making it so much worse.

I'd love nothing more than to share this happy time with my fiancé, especially as this will be his first child (he always wanted children but it never happened with him and his first wife), but instead I'm absolutely dreading telling the kids as I can almost predict what is going to happen.

Sorry for long post!

Any advice most gratefully received.

I’m very glad to hear that!
I was only using that of an example to open the questions up! But seem you beat me to it!
I’m sure things will be well, you deserve it.

And as for others and their unkind words, what a shame they nothing nice to say.

@39user1486131602 Thank you. I think perhaps only people who have been in a relationship with a true controller really understand. He's the one who makes my life hell but I don't feel that he should be allowed a say in the decisions I make with my fiancé. It's none of his business!

The other day my eldest said to fiancé that he knows his dad and I ended up divorced and that was sad but that he can see that fiancé and I love each other so he's not worried about that at all. That was such a lovely thing to hear.

@readitandwept He is saying he will never have kids with gf as an attempt at control ie things with him will stay the same. Clearly he can't categorically make that promise with 100% certainty.

No @RainMinusBow

I'm asking you why you have continued to get pregnant when your dc have already told you they will live with their dad if you do?

You posted this thread saying that's^^ what will happen. But they've actually already told you that. And you proceeded with TTC anyway.

How do you think that will look to them?

Because it's threatening behaviour that doesn't actually come from them but stems from their father.

Examples: We don't let them watch 15/18 movies. Their dad does. So we get "I'm moving to dad's".

We ask them to leave their gadgets when we're eating. "I'm moving to dad's".

We tell them off if they've been naughty. Repeat threat.

We ask eldest to be in bed at 9.30pm. Repeat.

A narcissist will attempt to portray a "Disney Dad" to all and sundry. Allow kids to do what they want to try to curry favour etc... Same with the baby. Dad would never ever have another child. 100% guaranteed.

So they never actually follow through? Again, whats the point of this thread?

The point of this thread was op wanted head pats and sympathy for how difficult her situation was and how she was the innocent martyr in it all.

are your boys mature enough to sit them down and explain that their dad is angry with you all the time for leaving him and so anything he says about you is highly likely to be a lie.
Don’t bad mouth him, but I think you should at least explain to your sons why he might say the things he does about you.

Agree @rvby

OP has shown herself to quite manipulative - posting about how she knows the ex will do this and the kids will say that. When in reality, she knows this because the kids (one of whom has anxiety and receives counselling) have already expressed their unhappiness at ever having a sibling. So what does OP do to address their concerns. Gets pregnant. But you know, it would break her for them to go live with dad

He's the one who makes my life hell but I don't feel that he should be allowed a say in the decisions I make with my fiancé. It's none of his business!

Your sons had no say in the father they got and are having to work with what they’ve got. The truth is, your decision to probably is going to impact your existing children negatively but you’ve obviously decided your sons and your relationship with them, aren’t worth the sacrifice. Which is totally your prerogative but don’t bleat about the consequences when they happen because you had a choice.

Funny that you call your Ex a narcissist but your reasons for having another child are exactly the same as my Ex’s, who wanted a Dad ‘do over’ after abandoning DD.

Your giving your ex wayyyyy too much head space, why? Its none of his dam business, keep repeating that. Keep every text, email he sends, do not engage or get into any conversations with him. If he uses emotional abuse against your kids use it against him in court.

Oh i have read through now and remember you now @RainMinusBow

Your current partner was a twat to your son on moving day so much so you wanted to move back in your old house without him. Clearly you did not and are now putting another abusive twat before your kids. Yes you are stupid, selfish and obsessed with your ex.

I do think that people are being harsh to you but I haven’t read the other thread.

I have recently left a similar relationship and I reported my husband to the police for coercive control. I do think that it is with doing in your case as the abuse from your ex is clearly ongoing.

The advice from the dv helpline to apply for a non molestation order is good. This will protect you from your ex but if you have one you will also be entitled to legal aid. Once this is in place I would definitely speak to a solicitor about changing the contact arrangement. Your ex sounds very abusive and someone like that should not have 50:50 care of the children.

Shocked at this thread and those who think your ex's continuing abuse of you and attempts to exert control through your children should mean you shouldn't have another child. I mean really aghast. Read up on Women's Aid campaigns around continuing coercive control from the abuser in relation to children and custody etc post the end of the parental relationship.

OP, wishing you well. I've supported a friend through similar - it was all ok

@Chapellass you're missing the point! My concern is that she's putting her and her dp (who worryingly isn't great it would seem) desire to have a child above what's best for her dc.
She's already mentioned that one of her dc has mental health problems and I would argue that with all the crap they have to deal with from their dad (and possibly from her new dp) what they need is the undivided love and focus from their mum and stepdad. I unfortunately speak from experience!

@Chapellass Thank you. I am determined not to let his attempt at continued control play a part in my life any more. Of course my boys are my priority but I have a life too and that matters. All I wish is for him to move on with his gf and allow me the same in my relationship. Should he choose to have further children (which he may well do at some point) I would have no issue with it and wold wish them all the best

Wow, some of the replies on here are absolutely horrible. The OP is already pregnant, she's not posting for advice about whether or not she should have another baby.

OP courts take into account that siblings shouldn't be split up, so there would be that to take into account if your ex tried to go for custody. You should keep a diary of all the times your dcs are distressed by your ex, it may be useful in any custody dispute. 50:50 is wrong in this situation and I think you should seek to change it. I presume he wasn't the primary carer when you were together.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. You have absolutely done the right thing in not allowing your ex to stop you and your fiancé having a wanted child. I think if I was you I'd try to see how far I could get before letting the boys know. You then need to focus on the positives with them and let them be as involved as they want to be. Children are very fickle when it comes to gifts, privileges etc so all you can do is focus on being the best mum you can be to them and eventually they will see their dad for what he is.

RainMinusBow you are perfectly reasonable for wanting that. You deserve a life free from abuse.

The law now recognises coercive control so you should be able to get better protection from your ex.

Having another baby won’t harm your existing children it is his abusive behaviour. They are older now and are starting to see it.

I think you have made a good start talking to the dv helpline. I hope you can get some ongoing support to deal with this. Is there a domestic abuse organisation in your area. I had a lovely caseworker who helped leave. They can also get you free legal advice which would help you.

Oh and congratulations on your pregnancy

Thank you to those lovely people who have offered support and understand that it's his behaviour hurting my kids, not having a half sibling.

I was primary carer and gave up my teaching career to raise the boys. When I left all of a sudden he wanted to be involved in their lives.

I've had a torrent of abuse thrown at me again today because last night ex discovered my youngest has worms. He kept him off school today and demanded I go and pick him up. He knows I work ft as a SEN keyworker. It's "my fault" he has worms. I advised my mum (retired nurse whom son adores) could collect him but no-he was not prepared to release him to anyone except me.

He is also demanding to see eldest when he returns from his school residential on Friday. It will be 12 days since I've seen my boy and he wants him on the first day back with us.

Trying hard not to get stressed as I know it's not good for the baby but it's hard.

STOP

Stop bowing down to him.

Tell him straight mother is collecting him. That’s it.
If he wants refuse that’s his choice

Camp - tell him NO he’s coming hime you can see him Saturday

@GreenTulips Mum has been round before to collect. He does not let him take my son. Same with fiancé collecting as he is a "stranger". No way is he seeing my eldest when I've not seen him in so long!

I recall your previous thread about your current 'gem' of a partner. You keep chopping and changing your story on this thread. You let cock continue to rule your life and are not putting your DC first.