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Original poster

It's all going to kick off...

198 replies

RainMinusBow · 19/10/2019 03:01

This is such a hard situation for me, hoping for some words of wisdom...

Five years ago I left my ex-husband. He was abusive in every way except physically (although it was heading that way), the main issue being horrendous control.

Our two boys were just 3 and 6 when I left him and he was awarded 50:50 shared care by the courts which is still in place.

Five years on we are both in new relationships. They have very different dynamics. His gf is 17 years his junior and does not have much at all to do with the boys (this suits them both). I have never seen nor met her. My fiancé is of a similar age to me and enjoys time as a family (especially as he has no bio of his own) and is a great support.

My ex is still furious at me for leaving him and still attempts to exert control in any way possible; it is now usually through the kids. He sends aggressive emails and text messages etc and often demands money for things he believes we should split. Example is a brand new top spec iPhone he purchased for out 12 yo recently. To explain finances...both myself and fiancé work ft on a joint income of around £38k pa, ex earns £105k+ pa and gf is unemployed. No maintenance due as 50/50 and he "claims" CB for one son.

Here's the big "but"...I'm almost 8 weeks pregnant with my third child (fiancé's first). I know ex will go MAD and will brainwash the boys into "how bad" things will be when the baby is here, "how selfish" I am to "do this to them" etc. He will then take me back to court (again) at which point he will probably have brainwashed to such an extent that the boys will say they want to live with their dad more. I know this is not really what they want.

This would break me. My eldest already suffers from high anxiety due to life at his dad's being far from stable. I can hand on heart say, despite so much pain and provactation, that I have always put my children first and will continue to do so.

This baby is much longed for and planned. At 39 and with a history of recurrent mc things are already stressful and this fear of ex's reaction and knowing what his game plan will be is making it so much worse.

I'd love nothing more than to share this happy time with my fiancé, especially as this will be his first child (he always wanted children but it never happened with him and his first wife), but instead I'm absolutely dreading telling the kids as I can almost predict what is going to happen.

Sorry for long post!

Any advice most gratefully received.

OP posts:
category12 · 20/10/2019 21:53

What you think he will do regarding the new baby is rather different than putting objections in about house-moves etc. You describe him attempting and probably succeeding in brainwashing/alienating your sons from you. Yet knowing this and the effect it will have on your sons, you've chosen to put your new partner's desire for a child ahead of your existing ones.

If your partner is what pp's have suggested, he'll probably be glad if your sons are out of the picture. What about you?

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 21:54

@rvby You're missing the point in what I'm trying to say. I'm saying that he objects to ANY decision I make in life. He is the one that is a controller, not me. Exactly how will me having a baby affect him?

OP posts:
readitandwept · 20/10/2019 21:55

They're hardly comparable unless he threatened to turn the kids against you then too? Which he either didn't threaten to or didn't succeed in attempting to.

But you you've posted this because you're certain the threat is real and he'll succeed.

readitandwept · 20/10/2019 21:56

Exactly how will me having a baby affect him?

Well he'll get your kids full time. You said. And they don't want that. You said.

Ginger1982 · 20/10/2019 21:56

It's not about how it affects him, it's about how it affects your existing children.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 21:58

@category12 We both wanted a child together. Like I said before, when I married ex he said he also wanted a big family. He lied.

If I didn't care about losing my kids why would I be on here asking for advice? Why would I be suffering from horrendous insomnia (yet again)?

But should I let the (unfair) opinions of others stop me from moving on with my life?

OP posts:
category12 · 20/10/2019 22:01

It's all about what you want. Or what your ex wants. Or what your dp wants.

Your two sons come nowhere except as pawns.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 22:02

@readitandwept He did actually. Told my son a burglar would break his window in our new house and come and attack him. Would never happen at his though because his house is in a "posh" area. Coincidentally, we were broken into when I was still living there with ex - when we were all asleep upstairs.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 22:04

@category12 With respect, I don't think the decision to have a child is actually for a 9 and 12 yo to make. I doubt you'd be saying the same about another baby if I'd have been pregnant with a third child by my ex.

OP posts:
category12 · 20/10/2019 22:07

Spectacularly missing the point. Hmm

They're the ones suffering in all this.

SoyDora · 20/10/2019 22:08

Exactly how will me having a baby affect him?

It won’t. But it will affect your existing children. And you knew it would before conceiving.
Of course it’s not fair that he’s a controlling arse. Of course you should be free to make any decisions you want about the size of your family. But life isn’t fair, and the fact is that by having another baby you knew what the potential consequences would be.
As I said, there’s no chance I would have chosen to conceive another in these circumstances.

category12 · 20/10/2019 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ginger1982 · 20/10/2019 22:08

FFS, @category12 isn't saying it should be your kids decision whether you have another baby! It's YOUR decision and you've decided to do it despite all the things you claim will happen to your existing kids if you do have another baby.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 22:10

No, you're saying never have a new baby because abusive ex will attempt to brainwash kids. So instead of standing up to him I should not rock the boat.

OP posts:
Schuyler · 20/10/2019 22:10

“ But should I let the (unfair) opinions of others stop me from moving on with my life?”

I would let it stop me if it was going to damage my existing children.
You said he’d obtain full residency and your boys don’t want that.

SoyDora · 20/10/2019 22:11

you're saying never have a new baby because abusive ex will attempt to brainwash kids

Yes, unfortunately that is the situation you’re faced with.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 22:11

All of the things HE will unfairly claim.

OP posts:
category12 · 20/10/2019 22:13

So you're deliberately and consciously choosing to have anew family and let your boys be taken from you by abusive ex.

Alrighty then.

SoyDora · 20/10/2019 22:13

It doesn’t matter who is doing the claiming. The affect on your existing children is the same. The simple fact is that you’ve gone ahead with conceiving another child because that’s what you and your partner want, despite knowing what the likely impact will be on your existing children. That’s a decision you made.

readitandwept · 20/10/2019 22:14

But the threat didn't convince your kid to move to dads, did it?

You are convinced the new baby will and have gone ahead anyway. Either your ex is as influential over the kids as you've said, or he isn't and this thread was pointless.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/10/2019 22:14

The impact on your children of a new baby will be huge even without the chance your ex will kick off. You’re on a low wage in your current job, can’t do what you used to because of your mental health, your partner is a low earner with no interest in increasing his situation, you nearly didn’t move into your current home because he was so abusive to one of your sons you had a huge panic - rightfully so and I offered you support at the time. You can’t afford to get married. You can’t afford holidays. You don’t have space for a baby.

You’re pregnant now after many many threads saying how your partner wanted a baby but it wasn’t possible. So it’s done now. But it’s added unnecessary complication, costs, drama, angst and potential consequences and if you were really committed to making life as stable for your sons as possible you wouldn’t have done it.

Most of your threads involve some sort of flounce but I see you’ve already come back and maybe this time you’ll listen to the advice people are taking the time to offer you.

rvby · 20/10/2019 22:16

No, you're saying never have a new baby because abusive ex will attempt to brainwash kids. So instead of standing up to him I should not rock the boat.

You think that having a baby is "standing up to him"?

Literally are you actually 12 years old?

"Standing up" to someone by having a baby, despite the fact that you yourself said it will cause disastrous stress and negative consequences to your existing children, is not big or clever OP.

Social workers shake their heads and women like you. Treating their children like an afterthought and popping out babies in selfishness thinking that they are somehow teaching their ex a lesson.

OP, you started this thread to talk about how your pregnancy was going to cause your ex to kick off and desperately hurt your children and you had no idea and no plan on how to address that. It seems you didnt want to hear that you could prevent that hurt, fair enough. Please start a savings account for your kids therapy, they are going to need it.

Gazelda · 20/10/2019 22:17

OP, I feel desperately sad for you. It's absolutely unfair.

But this is the situation you are in. This is what you fear will happen. This is the choice you've made. Your boys will be affected by your decision, yet you don't seem to have factored them into the choice you've made.

of course it's not fair that your ex can exert control over your life, but unfortunately you will be forever linked to him because of the DC you share. And your DC will forever have him as their DF.

And life isn't fair. We all have to deal with that in one way or another.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 22:19

Well hopefully they'll see their dad for the manipulative pig he is. They are beginning to.

But this is all a bit "pie in the sky" for the moment anyway as like I said I am 39 and have a recurrent history of mc. I've had my fair share of bad news scans so I guess we'll cross the telling the kids bridge if it actually comes to it.

OP posts:
NoCauseRebel · 20/10/2019 22:27

I feel desperately sorry for these children because absolutely none of the adults, the OP included, gives a shit about either of them.

They’ll be the ones posting about their abusive parent/s on here in ten/twenty years time and will, if they have anything about them, have gone NC.

OP if you actually cared about your children you wouldn’t have had this baby.

If you actually cared about your children you wouldn’t still be with an abuser and be having his baby.

What is going to happen to the new baby when the relationship with the latest abuser ends?

Jesus, the term disfunctional was made for this family.

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