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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's all going to kick off...

198 replies

RainMinusBow · 19/10/2019 03:01

This is such a hard situation for me, hoping for some words of wisdom...

Five years ago I left my ex-husband. He was abusive in every way except physically (although it was heading that way), the main issue being horrendous control.

Our two boys were just 3 and 6 when I left him and he was awarded 50:50 shared care by the courts which is still in place.

Five years on we are both in new relationships. They have very different dynamics. His gf is 17 years his junior and does not have much at all to do with the boys (this suits them both). I have never seen nor met her. My fiancé is of a similar age to me and enjoys time as a family (especially as he has no bio of his own) and is a great support.

My ex is still furious at me for leaving him and still attempts to exert control in any way possible; it is now usually through the kids. He sends aggressive emails and text messages etc and often demands money for things he believes we should split. Example is a brand new top spec iPhone he purchased for out 12 yo recently. To explain finances...both myself and fiancé work ft on a joint income of around £38k pa, ex earns £105k+ pa and gf is unemployed. No maintenance due as 50/50 and he "claims" CB for one son.

Here's the big "but"...I'm almost 8 weeks pregnant with my third child (fiancé's first). I know ex will go MAD and will brainwash the boys into "how bad" things will be when the baby is here, "how selfish" I am to "do this to them" etc. He will then take me back to court (again) at which point he will probably have brainwashed to such an extent that the boys will say they want to live with their dad more. I know this is not really what they want.

This would break me. My eldest already suffers from high anxiety due to life at his dad's being far from stable. I can hand on heart say, despite so much pain and provactation, that I have always put my children first and will continue to do so.

This baby is much longed for and planned. At 39 and with a history of recurrent mc things are already stressful and this fear of ex's reaction and knowing what his game plan will be is making it so much worse.

I'd love nothing more than to share this happy time with my fiancé, especially as this will be his first child (he always wanted children but it never happened with him and his first wife), but instead I'm absolutely dreading telling the kids as I can almost predict what is going to happen.

Sorry for long post!

Any advice most gratefully received.

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 20/10/2019 17:22

Choosing to be childfree is not at all selfish. The planet is overpopulated with humans to the extent that we are killing it. But that debate isn't for this thread.

rvby · 20/10/2019 17:25

You started a thread to moan about how your planned pregnancy is going to negatively impact your existing children.. and you are asking me how your pregnancy will cause suffering...? OP... give your head a wobble.

Your friend choosing not to have kids impacts her only. Your choice to have more kids impacts your existing children negatively. This makes your choice WAY more selfish than hers. Surely you can see the basic logic of that?

It sounds like you wanted to have a moan and get sympathy here and are now shocked that you have responsibility for your own decisions and choices. Again. The fact that this shocks you is such bad news for the poor children involved.

75Renarde · 20/10/2019 17:26

@ruby is not calling you a liar.

They are clearly delineating your choices.

As I have.

Time to wake up

75Renarde · 20/10/2019 17:28

Sorry @rvby x

BlouseAndSkirt · 20/10/2019 17:28

Rain, honestly I think posters are on your side but concerned for you.

You have clearly had a horrible time, as a child, and due to your ExH. People are concerned that they are picking up signs of another less than healthy relationship, which can be very hard when you already have fragile MH.

Ginger1982 · 20/10/2019 17:31

@MarianaMoatedGrange I can't remember the OPs previous user name but there were quite a few threads about both her ex partner and her current partner. There seems to always be a lot of drama.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 17:31

I didn't say that at all! I said my ex would try to make life difficult and asked for advice re how to reduce this. I do not believe having another baby will negatively impact my kids at all but I do believe my nasty ex will use it against me as he is just that-nasty.

But I won't let him make yet another decision for me. What I choose to do is my business and does not impact him in any way, shape or form. If he had a child with his gf I'd not have the slightest issue with him, as he may well do in the future. In fact more likely than me at 39 as she is 27.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 17:33

She referred to "liars" on the website, @75

OP posts:
Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 17:35

@28BlouseAndSkirt Where on earth did you get the opinion that I had a horrible time as a child? I had a lovely family and still blessed with two supportive parents. I also had a brother but he suffered from aspergers and crippling MH.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 20/10/2019 17:41

"I do not believe having another baby will negatively impact my kids at all "

"I know ex will go MAD and will brainwash the boys into "how bad" things will be when the baby is here, "how selfish" I am to "do this to them" etc. He will then take me back to court (again) at which point he will probably have brainwashed to such an extent that the boys will say they want to live with their dad more. I know this is not really what they want."

These posts are slightly contradictory in my opinion.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 20/10/2019 17:41

@Ginger1982 Thank you. It does seem that OP has too much drama going on to bring another child into, but that is her choice. She can't expect posters to be all "there there, it'll be ok" once we've been apprised of past problems with both her ex and current DP.

Ginger1982 · 20/10/2019 17:42

@MarianaMoatedGrange I agree.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 17:44

So I let my abusive ex manipulate and control what I do for the rest of my life because he's a dick and doesn't like the fact I've moved on?!!

OP posts:
75Renarde · 20/10/2019 17:48

Its Ren OP. Not 75.

You're seriously not helping yourself now.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 20/10/2019 17:49

What have you moved on to though? More DC with another rather less than ideal man?

Branleuse · 20/10/2019 17:56

Tell your kids in advance. Tell them that you just want to let them know in advance, that nothing will change negatively for them when baby comes, and that youve got a feeling that their dad might try and convince them to stay there more often because of new baby, and that you understand that their dad loves them, but you also love them, and you think it will be lovely with the new baby and they will make lovely big brothers, and you would be more than happy if they stayed home either the same amount as now, or even more if thats what they want, so please dont feel pressured into anything if he tries

velocitygirl7 · 20/10/2019 18:01

No op, your look at the best way of protecting your dc from any further hurt or anxieties. If your ex is really that awful, then unfortunately this has to be taken into account.
As I said previously I didn't have any children with my dh because I knew it wasn't the right thing for my existing dc. Yes, it's not fair, I too always dreamt of a big family and dh has no bio dc of his own but tough luck, being a parent is about always putting your dc first.

readitandwept · 20/10/2019 18:01

still blessed with two supportive parents

Really? She certainly didn't come across that way on your house move thread. The only person she was supporting then was your thoroughly unpleasant partner.

I think you should really reconsider your own worth and boundaries, OP

As for it won't negatively impact your DC. You have posted countless times about how much you want your partner to have a baby, but that you just can't afford it. No way, no how. Yet here you are,

This is a disaster waiting to happen.

rvby · 20/10/2019 18:03

So I let my abusive ex manipulate and control what I do for the rest of my life because he's a dick and doesn't like the fact I've moved on?!! no you accept that your life includes serious chaos and an unstable ex, and make the sad but responsible decision to concentrate on the children you already have, who are already suffering.

Is it fair, no of course not. Who told you life was fair? Is it best for your children, yes, probably. Their needs should come way before you wanting another baby. It's really that simple.

You can rage against it all you want, but life is full of unfair constraints and grownups just count them in and move on.

Pringlesfortea · 20/10/2019 18:33

I’ve not read the full thread
But ,why would you bring another child in to an already difficult situation.
You haven’t a bedroom for this child
You say you will move when child needs own room.
But that move will coincide with yours sons GCSEs
So you haven’t thought this though at all.
I actually think you have been very selfish op .
Sorry ,but you asked what people thought ,and that’s what I think.you haven’t put your existing children first at all.

NoCauseRebel · 20/10/2019 18:50

OP, @rvby didn’t call anyone a liar. She said that you can’t expect people to lie and say that it’s all going to be blessings and rainbows because it isn’t.

And sorry, but a new baby is going to impact negatively on your DC by virtue of the fact that it’s going to put them in an impossible situation with their dad which you had already anticipated and yet you chose to put yourself first and go ahead anyway.

Added to which, it’s naive to think that preteens are going to jump for joy at the prospect of a baby who won’t become interesting to them for a couple of years at least. That’s not necessarily a reason not to have a baby, but it is something that needs to be considered when deciding to have one, especially in the face of all the other negatives that this is going to bring about in their lives.

HisBetterHalf · 20/10/2019 19:03

Keep a log of every shitty thing he has said or done. How can he claim to have the DC best interest in his heart if hes claiming CB and then just paying it back in tax. If the DC are 50/50 custody why can you not apply for CB being the lower earner?

75Renarde · 20/10/2019 19:03

I'd advise everyone on this thread to stop commenting.

Its clear from PPs there has a backstory here..one that was not made clear by the OP.

All we are giving is fuel, energy.

Good advice has been given. The OP will take it or leave it.

Job done, I say.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 20/10/2019 19:36

Maybe I should have waited another five years or so and assessed the situation then... when it would have been virtually impossible for me to conceive? It isn't abnormal for separated couples to go on and have children with another partner is it? I know of quite a few.

OP posts:
LemonPrism · 20/10/2019 19:38

I'd wait longer than 20 weeks tbh. Don't tell him until you have to