It's all going to kick off...

[RainMinusBow]

This is such a hard situation for me, hoping for some words of wisdom...

Five years ago I left my ex-husband. He was abusive in every way except physically (although it was heading that way), the main issue being horrendous control.

Our two boys were just 3 and 6 when I left him and he was awarded 50:50 shared care by the courts which is still in place.

Five years on we are both in new relationships. They have very different dynamics. His gf is 17 years his junior and does not have much at all to do with the boys (this suits them both). I have never seen nor met her. My fiancé is of a similar age to me and enjoys time as a family (especially as he has no bio of his own) and is a great support.

My ex is still furious at me for leaving him and still attempts to exert control in any way possible; it is now usually through the kids. He sends aggressive emails and text messages etc and often demands money for things he believes we should split. Example is a brand new top spec iPhone he purchased for out 12 yo recently. To explain finances...both myself and fiancé work ft on a joint income of around £38k pa, ex earns £105k+ pa and gf is unemployed. No maintenance due as 50/50 and he "claims" CB for one son.

Here's the big "but"...I'm almost 8 weeks pregnant with my third child (fiancé's first). I know ex will go MAD and will brainwash the boys into "how bad" things will be when the baby is here, "how selfish" I am to "do this to them" etc. He will then take me back to court (again) at which point he will probably have brainwashed to such an extent that the boys will say they want to live with their dad more. I know this is not really what they want.

This would break me. My eldest already suffers from high anxiety due to life at his dad's being far from stable. I can hand on heart say, despite so much pain and provactation, that I have always put my children first and will continue to do so.

This baby is much longed for and planned. At 39 and with a history of recurrent mc things are already stressful and this fear of ex's reaction and knowing what his game plan will be is making it so much worse.

I'd love nothing more than to share this happy time with my fiancé, especially as this will be his first child (he always wanted children but it never happened with him and his first wife), but instead I'm absolutely dreading telling the kids as I can almost predict what is going to happen.

Sorry for long post!

Any advice most gratefully received.

Sounds very worrying.

I hope, in the midst of all this, that your partner has stepped up and changed his ways in light of this pregnancy. I recall your threads, under a different username, about him and it seemed like a difficult relationship.

I hope he can support you

You could preempt one of the concerns you mentioned about stuff your ex might say to the kids- when you tell them about the baby, say it will be in with you so nothing will change with their rooms.

I'm drinking spritzers lol so IDK if what I write will be impressive, but (without it getting you more worked up if possible) you could think of, and maybe write down so you remember, things that he might say to them, and preempt the stirring with reassurances when you tell them about the pregnancy.

Congratulations and best wishes xxxxx

My experience of the courts is that they don't take into account coercive control, despite the law apparently having changed.

I'm not sure what your experience is but this is not true, but the Law has changed, so please explain your experience further.

I am terrified of my ex - his rage is going to be through the roof. My fear is he will try to hurt me somehow when I am pregnant in order to harm the baby. I know this sounds irrational but his behaviour was so bad in the past that it's a real concern. For example, he used to take away my debit card from my purse so I couldn't buy food and at other times lock me out of the house. Just the tip of the iceberg.

and yet knowing this, you're still not willing to go to Court to have access the reviewed, for your boys sakes, if not your own ?

OP you really need to rethink this.

Talk to your dc about what will happen when the baby is born, assure them that you'll consider them and always love them.

The vitriol he pours into their ears can be answered by a calm, stable and loving environment with you.

Very surprised to see you have gone ahead and brought a baby into this situation considering the advice you were given a few months ago when you moved house.

You can wish for your ex to be different to what he is, but it's not going to help you. You can't force him to be the person you'd prefer.

I too would never have gone ahead with another baby in your situation tbh.

Yes it's going to be difficult but you chose this and had weighed the risk. I assume you had a plan beyond wishing on a star that ex gets hit by a truck etc. Now is the time to execute that plan. Talk to kids, get legal reassurance, etc.

So sorry OP as you don’t need this stress. I can sympathise as I split from my children’s father 6 years ago when kids were both young. He too was controlling, especially financially. He had been filtering money out of our joint account without my knowledge with the intention of leaving. He’d even bought another house without my knowledge. We agreed on him having kids 2-3 nights. He pays minimal maintenance.
Fast forward to now, I’m in a promoted job earning more than him, own my own house.

When I met someone new, I had same worries that my ex would try to increase access but he didn’t. The children said they liked it the way it was. I think perhaps you’re overthinking as you’re quite rightly worried. I’m certain things will remain the same. Smile through gritted teeth. That’s how I coped and to keep the peace.
I think you should enjoy your much wanted baby. I too fell pregnant at 39. I disagree with those who said the timing was wrong. At 39 and after failed pregnancies, it’s a blessing. Good luck OP. I’m rooting for you.

I’m not sure what advice you are after. This is a planned pregnancy and you have gone ahead with having a baby, fully aware of possible implications for your older children.

I suppose the only thing you can do now is be supportive of your sons. And hope that they are happy about the prospect of a new sibling and want to maintain the 50 50 arrangement.

Sorry OP, sounds like a right mess.

@BumbleBeee69 The courts don't listen. I submitted a 6 page document to Cafcaas for this purpose detailing all of the abuse - how he used to follow me if I went out, how he used to lock me out if the house, how he used to take my money away - and it was simply ignored. When I left he took one of my boys for a week without telling me where they were. A WPC did come out and she said he was entitled to do this as he was son'a father. She also said-and I quote-unless you show me bruises then there is nothing that can be done.

I have been to court four times since leaving as ex tries to change various things. I bang my head every time trying to get them to listen re the abuse. I have to self rep as no money and he pays for a full legal team.

Categorically, unless abuse is physical, it is not taken into account. He continues to bully as he knows he can get away with it.

But should I not have a much wanted baby with my fiancé because I know ex will threaten and abuse me further? Should I deny my fiancé the right to become a father because of his reaction? That doesn't sit easy with me.

I simply wish the legal system would help me not to feel so incredibly frightened and threatened which I know will never go away.

The courts are used to seeing coercive control and non physical violence.

No children involved but my partner has recently obtained a 12 month non mol on his ex and all of that was emotional abuse she never attacked him physically but the judge saw straight away what a manipulative swine she is. And that's female on male abuse which is even less common.

My experience of family court over my children is that they listened and considered fairly. They called out even the slightest bit of misleading behaviour. For example when my boys dad took me to court, he worded part of it a particular way to read as though a social worker was involved and had advised or set in place certain things. I calmly spoke to the judge and explained that I'd like to just be clear that no social worker was involved and that these were ex requests he was trying to add a bit of an authoritative edge to.

Ex went bright red as the judge directly asked him about it and he couldn't use the misleading way hed written it anymore.

Honestly I love judges. Give me a judge to speak to over any other kind of authority any day.

Carcass wont do anything about him stalking you. That's not their job. Theres nothing they can do even if they want to.

If youd applied for a non molestation order via the family court (carcass are not the family court) they would deal with it.

My other ex (dds dad) also had a huge expensive legal team. His parents neighbours are very famous footballers. I'm from a council estate and I was 20. Still only ever went to the tune I said it should and he was still called out on his manipulative bollocks. Even the 28 pages his fancy arse solicitor was paid about a grand to produce and sent the judge into a pure rage.

My heart bleeds for you OP.

Ok. Tough love. Your ex is a narc. He has NPD.

What you need to do, IMMEDIATELY, is to educate yourself. Go to narcsite.com abdcread HG Tudors' words.

To answer your questions.

Yes, he WILL use your baby against you.
Yes, he WILL attempt to twist your boys' minds
Yes, he WILL attempt to use the Court to abuse you.

What you MUST NOT do is allow yourself to live in fear.

You have a precious human inside of you. Congratulations . How amazing!

I'm here. Please do ask questions. X

If you are concerned about attempted parental alienation then it is something to bring up with your solicitor.

If you have ever reported him to the Police for domestic abuse and he has been cautioned or arrested or you have ever sought support from a domestic abuse service then you will be entitled to legal aid for legal representation

I'm sorry but I think in your shoes I wouldn't have dreamt of having another baby.
My dd (like your ds) suffered with anxiety when she was younger, she had a stable home life with me & her stepdad but life with her dad and his wife was difficult for her and unfortunately ex dh has always been unpleasant about me, quite openly in front of our dc.
My point is that because of this, I had to make the difficult decision to not have any further dc with my dh. He has no bio dc of his own and we would have both loved a child but we knew that ultimately, it would impact on 2 dc who already had enough to deal with thanks to their dad.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I'm always staggered at the situations people willingly put their dc in (I see it all the time at work)
Dh & I agonised over our decision but my dc had to come first and I love him so much more for putting them above his own needs too.

@75Renarde Thank you.

I think unless one has experienced first hand it's almost impossible to really understand the impact of such a mentally disturbed and cruel ex.

I have had counselling as my anxiety has been through the roof and there have been ocassions where I've genuinely thought I can't go on.

This baby is so much wanted after a history of pregnancy loss and at 39 I know I am blessed. My fiancé never thought he'd be a daddy and is cautiously excited (I'm not at 12 weeks yet and with my history it's not a given all will be well). I have in the past week considered termination - not because it's what I want at all - but because I know the consequences of continuing with the pregnancy. A bit like I knew when I left him (and I do regret leaving, I should have stayed until he hit me) he would cause all of this pain.

Congratulations on the pregnancy

Deal with what you CAN control. Involve your dc in the pregnancy as much as possible, make a huge deal about it with them before you even think about saying anything to your ex. You CANT control what your ex does.

My advice is speak to the eldest first tell him it will not impact on anything he wont need to share a room and he will still be able to see his friends and do his homework if he says dad this and dad that remind him dad is not a part of this household and has no say

@velocitygirl7 I totally get what you're saying but for me, I was not going to let him make decisions for me and take more control.

When I met ex he always knew of my desire for a larger family and he agreed to that. I do at times feel envious of people with a sibling and the love between my two boys is awesome. They are very close and I am so grateful they have each other all of the time .

When ex had got his heir and spare in the two boys he said that was absolutely it but refused to have a vasectomy. We stopped having sex. That didn't bother him in the slightest.

I believe a baby is the right thing for all of us as a settled and happy family (never had this with my ex) and at 39 I don't have the luxury of time. Not that ex will ever stop trying to control.

I just wish I could get someone to help me stop the abuse.

DONT OP! DONT DO THAT!

I Absolultly believe in a woman's right to choose. In your situation, i perceive you will regret it.

Look, your beautiful boys exist. Abd they will be pawns in the game for years. Having a baby will never change that.

I do utterly understand your position. My ex took my children. I'm fighting him in the Courts for access. I was a very good mother. But I did reject him. Hes abusing the children to hurt me. He does not love them. Hes incapable of love.

My ex raped me, sexually abused me. Threatened to rape me. The worst offense was that he lied to me. Told me hed love me forever. I have the card.

No. I am his forever his in his mind. He perceives he owns me. He does not. I said the other say that I will tear this world apart to get to my children.

You are not in the same position I am. Hold firm. You will be ok.

Op I understand what you're saying about not giving your ex control, it's the last thing he deserves! If I sounded harsh I'm sorry but your dcs lives sound complicated/difficult enough and I couldn't help compare it to my own past situation.
I also totally understand you and your dp longing for a baby.
In your shoes I would log every bit of nonsense that your ex throws at you, I regret not keeping messages or more of a diary about his behaviour.
And as others have said, your dc are old enough to have their feelings considered in regards to where they live. I know it's horrific to think of them being taken from you but in reality it's unlikely.

When you tell the children, make sure there's the longest interval possible before they are due to see or speak to their father again, and use that period to make it clear to them over and over again that it makes no difference whatsoever to your feelings for them and to sell all the pluses of having a baby - maybe start the conversation with their wish to be in a larger family. Don't downplay the downsides, but emphasise that things like the noisy period will be short-lived and that you will always be there for them.

Ginger1982 I wonder what threads these are? Are you having difficulties with your present partner OP?

readitandwept

Very surprised to see you have gone ahead and brought a baby into this situation considering the advice you were given a few months ago when you moved house.

Curious about this too!