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Original poster

Problem with new daughter in law

399 replies

wishiwasinthesun · 11/10/2019 08:10

Hi

Need some advice please.

My son has been with his partner now for a few years and they have a baby (6 mths old). I used to get on really well with her.

My sons ex-wife is lovely and we have a really good relationship. Have known her for a long time. She is the mother to my 2 eldest grandchildren who are now teenagers. The problem is with my son's new partner who has issues with my son's ex-wife.

I am going on holiday next year and am going with son's ex-wife. Since his new partner found out she hasn't spoken to me. My son has quite an amicable relationship with his ex-wife and they co-parent really well.

Things are very difficult now with his new partner, I don't feel that I can go to their house to see my grandchild. On 2 occasions she has just got up and walked out when we have been there, only returning several hours later.

Have tried talking to her about this but she just shuts me down saying that I have made my choice. My son is stuck in the middle and does ring me frequently and says that I can visit whenever I want but it is such a horrible atmosphere. I don't live near my son so visits have to be planned and I don't think he would be allowed to come to visit us on his own with baby.

WWYD??

OP posts:
Johntorrodeismydad · 11/10/2019 08:14

You will get lots of support on here as second wives and step mums are universally hated. My point of view is that you can be friends with whomever you want but don’t rub it in her face. No doubt she’ll have enough problems with step children, interfering ex wives and a new baby. You’re probably way down her list of problems.

Sofasurfer101 · 11/10/2019 08:14

My dh has a friendly relationship with his ex wife, as does my mil. But i would also not like if they went on holiday. Does grand children go with you?

MummaGiles · 11/10/2019 08:16

I have to say I’d feel pretty put out in your DIL’s shoes. It must read to her like you will never like her as much as your DS’s ex. You can’t have been naive enough to think going on holiday with your son’s ex wouldn’t cause some upset.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 11/10/2019 08:18

Sorry I mis-read at first. It's the ex-wife you're going on holiday with? It's your choice obviously but that will cause a nuclear reaction with most second wives.

notmytea · 11/10/2019 08:18

I think cut her some slack, she's probably feeling very vulnerable/hormonal/bloody tired. She may walk out because she's upset or having difficulty with the whole set up. I would have a relationship with the ex but keep it low key and just try to be supportive of new Dil, don't make it a competition between the two women

Original poster
wishiwasinthesun · 11/10/2019 08:18

My grandson is coming with us. I'm not rubbing her face in it. We don't talk about the holiday. I am sorry that she is upset about it but surely I can choose who I go with?

OP posts:
Sofasurfer101 · 11/10/2019 08:19

Ofcouse you can. And you sure did..

Windydaysuponus · 11/10/2019 08:20

Maybe she feels her dc is second rate in your eyes since she feels she is...

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2019 08:20

I think most people would have an issue with this. Going on holiday with her seems a bit much, you must understand she's his ex wife, he's been with his new partner a long time. Why you and the ex would choose to holiday together is beyond me.

It sounds like you're making your choice clear to me as well. You have to expect consequences.

justheretostalk · 11/10/2019 08:20

I have to say I’d feel pretty put out in your DIL’s shoes. It must read to her like you will never like her as much as your DS’s ex. You can’t have been naive enough to think going on holiday with your son’s ex wouldn’t cause some upset.

Really? What a load of shit honestly.

I’ve been on a massive holiday with my ex’s mother. We are great friends, and have the best time together. We literally never talk about ex at all, we are both repartnered with children etc. It literally never occurred to me that his new partner would have a problem with it. Why would she? Do I have to stop being friends with his mum just because our relationship didn’t work out?

She needs to grow up. Be friends with whoever you want!

Johntorrodeismydad · 11/10/2019 08:21

Of course you can choose who you go with but she can choose to not like it. Sounds like you’ve put your elder DGC and ex DIL way before the feelings of your new DIL and now you’re surprised she doesn’t like it!

Original poster
wishiwasinthesun · 11/10/2019 08:21

I don't socialise with ex-wife. Only speak at Christmas and birthdays. I don't even mention her name to son's new partner. I accept all your comments. I would like our relationship to go back to how it was before.

OP posts:
luckygreeneyes · 11/10/2019 08:21

You can choose who you go with but accept that in these circumstances it will have consequences. If my mum was going on holiday with my ex and our daughter I would think it really weird and my husband would be really hurt.

Fairylea · 11/10/2019 08:22

I think she’s being petty but then I have a similar relationship with my own ex mil. We ring each other and text a lot and are very close - even though ex and I split up when dd was 6 months old and she is now 16! He was a useless dad at the time so I kept contact with his mum and dad because they were lovely grandparents. I have been remarried for 10 years and have a 7 year old son with my new husband who the ex mil and fil consider part of their family and he calls them Nanny and Grandad. Ex (their son) is also remarried and has 2 children with his wife. I’m not sure what she thinks of the relationship I have with mil etc, ex and his wife live in a different country so there’s a huge distance between us but as far as I know mil has a good relationship with her. They go and stay with them for 3 months of the year and seem to be close.

I think life is too short for all this pettiness.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 11/10/2019 08:22

I am sorry that she is upset about it but surely I can choose who I go with?

Of course! You do what you want, but you need to face the consequences one of which is that this "new" partner is unlikely to want to keep up a friendly relationship with you

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/10/2019 08:23

How sure are you your son and his ex coparent amicably? With teens, why do they need to have much to do with each other?

He knows how chummy you are with his ex so if there were difficulties he wouldn’t tell you.

How much effort have you made with your DIL? She’s not a “new partner” is she. She’s your son’s partner of several years and the mother of his child. If your feelings about the two women are as clear in person as on here then it’s not about the holiday, that was the final straw and she’s just had enough of you.

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2019 08:23

You don't socialise with her but are choosing to holiday with her? That's just odd.

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2019 08:24

And agree, she's not remotely "new" they have been together years and have a child together.

As others are saying, your feelings are perfectly clear.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 11/10/2019 08:24

Your new 'DiL' clearly thinks you've chosen his ex over her, and from the tone of your post - you have. You say his ex is lovely, but dont say the same about current partner.

She feels this so strongly, she'll leave her baby for hours when you're there. You also said you go to visit your grandchild - not that you go to visit THEM.

Of course you are at liberty to remain friends with the ex and even holiday with her, but there were bound to be repercussions if you're giving out vibes you prefer the ex.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 11/10/2019 08:25

I think it’s fair enough she’s miffed but her reaction is extreme. Is she ok otherwise - PND etc?

ChilledBee · 11/10/2019 08:26

I've never considered that if I split with my husband and we inevitably went on to new relationships, I wouldn't be able to stay close to his mum. His mum is like my mum! Our relationship may have started through DH but we have a bond of our own after years.

Original poster
wishiwasinthesun · 11/10/2019 08:26

Son was with ex-wife longer than he has been with new partner. I am not putting older grandchildren first, they are teenagers and I don't see them that often now that they are at Uni. See new grandchild much more.

I really like son's new partner and we got on extremely well, talking on the phone daily etc but now nothing. I understand why she is upset but won't be told who I can see. I have come to the point now where I can't be arsed to have such people in my life and I am sure she feels the same.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 11/10/2019 08:27

This is not a case of choices!!!
OP has a good relationship with ExDIL.
Should she now just stop that relationship? With the mother of her DGC?
WHY?
So she doesn't upset her precious new DIL?
Sod that.

OP do not sacrifice the good relationship you have with the mother of your older DGC.
If your new DIL doesn't accept that you can get on with both of them then that's her look-out. She sounds like a spoiled child.

As the first DIL, I was very put out when the OW was accepted so readily into my DH family. But she was and I accepted that.
They still had a lovely relationship with me and their GD.
This makes no sense to me.
Some of you have very odd views on this.

ChilledBee · 11/10/2019 08:28

See I can also imagine that because my MIL has seen me grow from a young barely woman to a mum and a sort of proper grown up. It would be difficult to replicate that bond with someone else. She would think nothing of telling me that I look terrible but it would take some time for her to get on those terms with someone completely new. I'm not saying they wouldn't develop a bond but it wouldnt have the longevity and nuance that we have although it could be equally special for it's own reasons.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/10/2019 08:28

You have “a really good relationship” with the ex. Your going on holiday together.

But you only speak at Christmas and birthdays.

I’m confused.