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Original poster

Problem with new daughter in law

399 replies

wishiwasinthesun · 11/10/2019 08:10

Need some advice please.

My son has been with his partner now for a few years and they have a baby (6 mths old). I used to get on really well with her.

My sons ex-wife is lovely and we have a really good relationship. Have known her for a long time. She is the mother to my 2 eldest grandchildren who are now teenagers. The problem is with my son's new partner who has issues with my son's ex-wife.

I am going on holiday next year and am going with son's ex-wife. Since his new partner found out she hasn't spoken to me. My son has quite an amicable relationship with his ex-wife and they co-parent really well.

Things are very difficult now with his new partner, I don't feel that I can go to their house to see my grandchild. On 2 occasions she has just got up and walked out when we have been there, only returning several hours later.

Have tried talking to her about this but she just shuts me down saying that I have made my choice. My son is stuck in the middle and does ring me frequently and says that I can visit whenever I want but it is such a horrible atmosphere. I don't live near my son so visits have to be planned and I don't think he would be allowed to come to visit us on his own with baby.

WWYD??

OP posts:

awarmglow · 14/10/2019 10:41

I'm not sure. Couldn't your son have said something about the cost being the problem? It seems an odd way to react if that is the reason for her change in behaviour. And there's still the comments she made to OP's husband.

diddl · 14/10/2019 10:44

" It seems an odd way to react if that is the reason for her change in behaviour. And there's still the comments she made to OP's husband."

Absolutely!

Lweji · 14/10/2019 11:27

Glad you did talk with her and not at her.

It's easy to get worked up over things when we don't really talk about it.

I hope that you are able to talk about these issues in future, keeping in mind what happened this time. People usually do have their reasons to be upset, even if it's not obvious to the other person, and even when they are at least a little bit unreasonable.
She will also need to be more upfront instead of going cold, of course, but then I'm not addressing this message to her.

ChilledBee · 14/10/2019 12:58

Nope not stop feeling how she feels but control her actions. Feelings aren't facts. I can feel extremely offended by something someone says online and rightfully so. I don't need to send them death threats because I feel offended. See how I can feel without acting?

And you might need to keep your in laws close or genuinely get along with them to keep the partner you have. I know my partner wouldn't be with someone who couldn't get along with his mother. He likes an integrated family life and knows his mother isn't unreasonable so I'm fairly sure that's something he looks for in a partner.

ChilledBee · 14/10/2019 12:58

Nice update OP

Novembersbean · 14/10/2019 13:40

See that still just sounds bit wrong to me - the word "keep" paints the man as the ultimate prize a woman must fight to keep, even if you're constantly the one compromising or keeping a lid on your feelings so as not to make him feel there could be a problem or that your feelings as his partner might need to be considered.

My partner is not going to make his decision on whether to share his life with the woman he loves based on how close they are to his mum (assuming it's not WW III), my relationship with his mum is not more important to him than his relationship with me. And if the reason I would be at risk of "losing" him was that he totally agreed with his mum's perspective and thought I was the unreasonable one, then we obviously aren't that compatible anyway. So not a loss that I (as the woman) must lament while he is apparently absolutely fine and back to waiting for a more worthy woman.

The idea that a woman must put up and shut up no matter how much something bothers her to prove herself worthy of her MILs precious boy is archaic and a little codependent. I know you probably don't mean it that way but there's just something in your language that sounds that way.

Anyway, it's essentially a moot point now since OP seems to have sorted the issue, but it's been interesting to think about what a woman should he expected to put up with from her in laws and vice versa.

ChilledBee · 14/10/2019 13:51

Yes, some things are deal breakers. If my partner wants to keep our marriage/relationship, then there are certain standards he has to continue to meet and vice versa. One of his standards is that he wants people who can integrate with his family. I have several standards around affection and approach to responsibility. He wouldn't permit someone treating his mother that way because they were upset that she wouldn't do what they wanted her to in order to protect her feelings.

The fact that your MIL goes away with her ex DIL shouldn't be "a thing" you have to "put up" with. And that's kind of the point. That's someone overstepping boundaries and trying to use oppression and control to sate their insecurities. That can become abusive so best nip that sort of thing in the bud before it festers.

Novembersbean · 14/10/2019 14:26

The fact that your MIL goes away with her ex DIL shouldn't be "a thing" you have to "put up" with.

Maybe not to you, because you are in the half of the population that would not be internally bothered with that rather than the half that would.

Being with someone who is divorced with children and as such dealing with the family treating his ex as still part of the family, expecting you to rub along with her, let alone your actual partner having a lot to do with her through the kids, is most definitely something that somebody in that position would have to "put up with". Hence why it is a deal breaker to so many people. In my opinion, it is something the partner should be doing his best to be empathetic towards and support her through her feelings, since he is the one that has created that situation. A man with no consideration for that is certainly no catch.

I disagree that taking yourself out of the room is akin to trying to control people, that literally leaves no option left to people who are not 100% happy for their partner's ex to have a central role in their "integrated family" but to maintain a constant pretence of being happy about it. Walking away should always be an option if a person feels uncomfortable. Backing off is not the same as arguing with or bullying someone, it is not a controlling action, it is doing what is necessary for your own peace of mind.

Your stance is basically "you must be in my parents pockets at all times, never leave if they have upset you, be 100% ok with the fallout of my past actions and never complain because they don't bother me so I don't care that they bother you", which is incredibly one sided.

But anyway I've gone round and round in circles at this point, well done OP for smoothing things over.

ChilledBee · 14/10/2019 14:35

No my point is that any upset over your MIL going away with her GCs mum is entirely inappropriate and comes from a place of toxicity. I know many people agree that it is understandable to ACT this way when you find it out but that's because many people have unhealthy ideas about their entitlement in relationships and how other people should protect their feelings.

I see it like me having to leave the room because someone wore a red top to the party I am at. If my feelings run so deep about someone else's actions that I am forced to behave in that way, it is me with the problem and I need to go about fixing it. Nobody else.

If your MIL calls you a cunt and spits in your face, sure be upset and don't share a room with her. Leave your husband if he doesn't support you. But doing this strop because she is going away? No, way out of line. Need to respect boundaries and grow up. Get some therapy to deal with those insecurities and stop foisting them onto other people with silly tantrums and oppressive ultimatum to manipulate and control everyone around you.

Fabrichearts · 14/10/2019 15:15

Remember also that this relationship and holiday arrangement was already in place and the gf didn't have a problem with it before. But then suddenly, she did. The OP has really done nothing wrong here, in this particular set of circumstances.

Novembersbean · 14/10/2019 15:17

Gosh we are going over and over the same ground here ChilledBee

I simply fundamentally disagree that wanting breathing space from somebody that upsets you, whether it is because of something that is your problem or something that is their problem, is a confrontational or controlling act.

You don't separate the two because you don't view it as something that COULD be at all upsetting to somebody, despite the fact that an ever present ex is something that bothers lots and lots of people.

If I knew somebody that was so bothered by something as irrational as a red top, then yes it would be their problem and not mine, but I wouldn't tell them to grow up or insist that they had to stay in the room with the red top regardless of their feelings on the matter, I would simply allow them to leave the room if it made them more comfortable. Yes, it is their problem, but it is their prerogative to take themselves out of the way if they have a problem, rather than stay in discomfort because nobody else can understand their problem or because nobody had deliberately tried to upset them by wearing the red top. It is not about why it upsets her or whether anyone should have to pander to it by changing their top, it is about the fact that it DOES upset her so pulling away should be entirely her choice.

Yes I can see that saying "you made your choice" is out of line, that is the only part of DILs actions that IS unreasonable, but then again it was one act of lashing out due to her feelings amongst probably hundreds of times of not lashing out, so hardly a divorce worthy offence.

Littlemissamy · 14/10/2019 16:51

I think that there’s a lot more to this than meets the eye. A couple of questions for you -
How did the relationship between your son and his ex end? Was it amicable from the start, or was there a lot of hurt that now people have simply moved on from?
My father and ex were quite close, and when we split it was very messy. Awful actually. We’ve got over it now, and co-aren’t very well together, get on well etc. But I would expect my father to have my back and to have cut his ties with my ex. Could it be that, and that eventhiugh you’ve all moved on, she thinks it’s off that you would remain such close friends with someone who hurt your son?

Second, what was her family like growing up? I came from a separated family who hated each other, so to me, not remaining friendly with exes is normal to me. I’d find it weird if my MIL had your sort of relationship with my partners ex. It’s alien to me. Not saying it’s wtong, but I’d feel uneasy about it.

Have the ex and your DIL had any run ins? Is your son as amicable with her as you believe?
I don’t think this is as cut and dry as “New” DIL being a bitch.

Ihateedmundelephant · 15/10/2019 16:24

Wow! I’m not surprised she isn’t talking to you! This is really inappropriate.

OkayGo · 15/10/2019 16:27

Glad to hear it's all ok op

Tistheseason17 · 15/10/2019 19:50

Nice update, OP. Good outcome.

AnneKipanki · 16/10/2019 13:34

Brilliant @wishiwasinthesun

Zeldasmagicwand · 16/10/2019 13:40

As a new mum, it's time DIL grew up and started behaving like a grown up instead of a spoilt child.
Walking out when you turn up is the height of bitchiness.

Your son needs to have a word in her ear and stop pandering to her silliness.

Just because she's had a new baby, it doesn't affect your relationship with your other grandchildren and their mum. I'd be inclined to give her space to sort herself out. Your youngest grandchild is a small baby and won't be affected by your absence at this stage.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/10/2019 13:42

LOL @Ihateedmundelephant - it's moved on quite a bit since the OP!!!!
Why not highlight the OP's posts and read through them?

Lweji · 16/10/2019 15:04

@Zeldasmagicwand

Fantastic advice. I wish the OP had done what you suggested instead of what she actually did. We'd have threads for years and years about evil DIL.

summersun0191 · 16/10/2019 15:11

So basically you're going on holiday with your grandson and his mother will be going too, that's how I'm seeing this anyway.

Branleuse · 16/10/2019 23:26

No, the grandson wont be there. Its just OP, OPs husband and their sons ex

ChilledBee · 17/10/2019 07:11

It is with the ex, her grandkids and her husband.

saraclara · 17/10/2019 09:55

No, the grandson wont be there. Its just OP, OPs husband and their sons ex

Where did you get that @Branleuse ?
My understanding is that the grandkids are going with the OP, her DH and the ex.

saraclara · 17/10/2019 09:57

Ah. OP says:

My grandson is coming with us.
and later on says that both GC went last year.

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