Problem with new daughter in law

[wishiwasinthesun]

Hi

Need some advice please.

My son has been with his partner now for a few years and they have a baby (6 mths old). I used to get on really well with her.

My sons ex-wife is lovely and we have a really good relationship. Have known her for a long time. She is the mother to my 2 eldest grandchildren who are now teenagers. The problem is with my son's new partner who has issues with my son's ex-wife.

I am going on holiday next year and am going with son's ex-wife. Since his new partner found out she hasn't spoken to me. My son has quite an amicable relationship with his ex-wife and they co-parent really well.

Things are very difficult now with his new partner, I don't feel that I can go to their house to see my grandchild. On 2 occasions she has just got up and walked out when we have been there, only returning several hours later.

Have tried talking to her about this but she just shuts me down saying that I have made my choice. My son is stuck in the middle and does ring me frequently and says that I can visit whenever I want but it is such a horrible atmosphere. I don't live near my son so visits have to be planned and I don't think he would be allowed to come to visit us on his own with baby.

WWYD??

Your new DIL is being a spoilt prick

I do think there's something oddly sinister and matriarchal about suggesting a man's partner needs to grovel and vie to impress their MIL to be accepted by the family beyond just standard good manners, even if it means swallowing feelings that are genuinely hurting them.

It's not a case of worshipping your MIL, it is an acknowledgement that there is at least equal onus on the both of you to maintain a good relationship. Also, feelings aren't facts. I might be struggling with infertility and find it incredibly hurtful and be angry at someone else who conceived accidentally in a casual relationship. I might feel they don't deserve to be pregnant. Those feelings aren't facts. That person deserves to be a parent as much as me but it probably doesn't feel like that to a lot of people on that situation. It feels objectively unfair when it is subjectively unfair. And that's the same as feeling that your MIL should "break up" with the ex when the son does or that a "break up" should look a particular way.

I could speak to my MIL if she did something that made me feel this way BUT it would be with me acknowledging that my feelings aren't facts and that she doesn't have to accommodate my feelings by changing her own actions. But since she loves me, and I love her, I might ask her to reassure me that I am cherished too because what is happening is giving me the shakes. And she would. She wouldn't punish or mock me for feeling insecure but she'd expect that I own it.

If I tried the tantrum and stomping out stuff? She would not give me any of the reassurance I'm looking for and she'd keep her distance until I was ready to be a grown up again. She doesn't do tantrums from any of the kids. No matter how old we are. She has firm boundaries and we love and respect her enough to mind them because we want her around.

Sounds like you are stubborn. You know your dil is uncomfortable with this, you could have gone away without ex dil, you choose to do so anyways. Personally, I would get out of that holiday and not plan more with your son's ex. I would tell my dil my relationship with her is important, and I did not want to loose it.

Just because you have the right to do something, does not mean it is the right thing to do.

That is just my opinion, of course.

ChilledBee you may not think of it as being about worshipping your MIL, but your previous comment about you being the one to compromise because you need her more than she needs you suggests in a situation where MIL thinks one thing and DIL thinks another, DIL should be the one to forego their opinion because they are lower in the pecking order.

True give and take should not be about hierarchy - nobody should feel forced to bend their actions because of somebody else's feelings but nobody should have to bend their feelings and live in quiet discomfort either, and certainly not because they consider themselves less important.

I have only snapped at my PIL once over a similar but slightly different issue and I believe it to be justified, but since then I have kept my mouth shut to keep the peace but also detached emotionally from them. I don't believe it is wrong of me to do so and their perspective is more important, and I can definitely understand holding in resentment to keep the peace until the straw that broke the camel's back.

I'm surprised at the number of people who think a MIL should just end what could have been a 20 year friendship with someone who happens to have mothered her DGC because their son has a new partner.

When my XMIL came to UK to visit her friends and family I'd stay with her for a few days with ds. My XP DW didn't ever think anything of it nor think I shouldn't spend a short holiday with her. She'd in fact send send ds over a little gift with his nan. Her and XP are now divorced. Imagine if I'd cut ties with her due this?

The OP's grandkids are still her grandkids. Lots of GPs have holidays with their GC. OP's GCs live with their mum. You see where the logic is?

DIL2 needs reminding that OP's relationship with her grandkids is exactly the same as it ever was, and that's what this trip is about.

OP has not 'made her choice'. OP gave DIL2 exactly the same opportunity re: a holiday together. DIL2 made the choice not to take her up on it.

Well said Sara.

Just because the new partner has chosen to pursue a different relationship with the OP doesn't mean the OP should cut everything else back to match.

It's a bit like when a less sociable half of a couple thinks their more sociable partner should stop going to see their friends as much for no other reason than "but I don't go out lots so it's not fair".
Or someone who doesn't have a hobby/interest and would rather stay home complains about their partner doing their hobby twice a week because "it's not fair you're choosing the hobby over me, I don't have a hobby so you shouldn't either".

That’s exactly the point Sara, she is punishing her MIL clot “choosing” to act as a normal grandparent and spend time with her grandchildren.

Previous families do not cease to exist just because one parent has a new relationship and baby.

My MIL and I loved each other. She adored her grandkids with a passion. I'd have been really upset if I'd not been able to continue our relationship if my DH and I had split up. And she would have been devastated if her relationship and contact with her grandkids had changed (and on my part, there's no way I'd have wanted it to change - I loved to watch the mutual delight and love in the interaction between her and my kids).

@FelicisNox

Calm down dear.

i would sit her down and ask her why you have to choose between them. do the stepchildren need to chose a side too then? are they not to speak to their stepmom (new DIL) again, in support of their mother? Are they to refuse holidays with her? No. Just as you arent.

Sorry if I missed this, but who instigated the idea of going on holiday? Of course you are free to do as you choose... maybe a holiday with dil2 and baby as a nice break too.
But I think staying on good terms with exdil1 is healthy.. but not priority, dgc are older and you have a baby gc. Time to focus on family two?

We have a fraught relationship with my husbands ex wife (her fault not ours) and if my MIL went on holiday with her I would never speak to her again!

But that's because you have a fraught relationship with the ex wife. You might feel differently if you didn't! You can't just project your situation on to everyone else's and assume that it's exactly the same for them, so what the OP is doing is somehow objectively nasty. It might be nasty if it was done to you, sure, but you are not the DIL in this case and in this case supposedly the relationship with the ex is not 'fraught' at all (hence the mystery).

I do wonder though if the relationship with the ex is not quite as good as the OP thinks, so maybe that's the problem, or maybe it has become worse in the last year in some way?

The problem is with my son’s new partner who has issues with my son’s ex-wife.

DIL2...is more open and welcoming. She is very personable and normally very approachable...gets on very well with older GC’s...is not a vindictive person.

Your son’s partner has been a loving and engaged family member who is now feeling hurt and unsupported. Something has happened that triggered this change.

She is close to the older DC, but has issues with their mother. There is a history there. Perhaps she feels that the ex has been rude, difficult or demanding. Perhaps their relationship has become more fractious since the baby’s birth. Something must have happened that escalated the problems.

Her response to your inclusion of the ex is a visceral reaction to her outsider status. She has problems with the ex. Your DH has disliked her since they had words. Her partner and father of her baby won’t marry her, and is crossing boundaries by discussing her “insecurities” with you.

I empathize with her feelings of vulnerability.

but your previous comment about you being the one to compromise because you need her more than she needs you suggests in a situation where MIL thinks one thing and DIL thinks another, DIL should be the one to forego their opinion because they are lower in the pecking order.

Forego? No. Reconsider? Yes. There are several posts in here which assume that the MIL is bound to the fidelity clause that their partner signed up to. It's an unspoken assumption that the MIL owes the DIL something for being with her son so of course she shouldn't do anything which would upset her because her place is so precarious. That's what I'm striking back against by talking about how I reconsidered my stance (not with MIL specifically but generally). We don't owe each other anything but both our loves (mine more so) would be worse without the other. Mine would be more affected because I have a young family where as MIL doesn't.

What you have to note in this situation is that we are talking about MIL's actions. The strength of DIL's opinion in controlling MIL's actions is negligible. So yes, in this instance, DIL should forego her opinion because really it is absolutely none of her business where her MIL goes and with whom.

It would be like me asking whether I should forego my negative opinion of you going to brunch with your partner next Sunday. Or forego my opinion about whether my SIL and brother should get a hotel for their friend's wedding or stay with their friend's relatives.

ChilledBee

Reconsider just sounds like a veiled way of saying forego in this instance. Chances are the DIL has already considered her opinion and still feels the way she feels, your implication is that she should "reconsider" and just stop feeling that way because she needs her MIL.

I do see the posts you're talking about but I also see a lot of the opposite tbh, with some very high and mighty family members "withholding" approval etc.

What I find very disturbing and saddening is the implication by a lot on this thread including yourself that the DIL should just stop feeling how she feels, never allow her feelings to be known by leaving the room, and as such be forced to sit there pretending everything's ok when actually something has upset her.

Chances are, she has just finally realised that being with someone with an ex wife and children is actually really hard and potentially too much to deal with, but at this point she has a baby with her DP and NEEDS to keep him in her life, but she doesn't NEED to have a close relationship with her in laws so she is cutting her losses and backing away from having a close relationship with them that constantly reminds her of the ongoing presence of his ex.

Further outbursts notwithstanding, what's so wrong with that? Is she not entitled to make that choice?

From the responses on this thread I have an image of her living in the pockets of her in laws, sat forced to act cheerful and pretend nothing is the matter whenever they're around even though it deeply upsets her, afraid of showing any sign of her true feelings or they and her DP will tell her to "grow up". It really is quite sad.

OP I think your dil is feeling a little put out. However unless she was the ow I dont see why she would have an issue. Ds2 doesn't see his dad but hes sees his grandparents alot. A few people have said to both me and his grandmother that they think it's weird we get on but if nothing else it makes life easier for ds2 if I get on with his family.
Ide just wait it out. Keep up your relationship with the ex and hopefully eventually your dil will see your doing nothing wrong.

What I find very disturbing and saddening is the implication by a lot on this thread including yourself that the DIL should just stop feeling how she feels, never allow her feelings to be known by leaving the room, and as such be forced to sit there pretending everything's ok when actually something has upset her.

Then she needs to explain exactly what has upset her. OP has tried to have the conversation but the gf just shuts her down. OP is none the wiser. I don't think OP is expecting her to stop feeling how she does but a starting point would be an explanation. That's where the gf needs to grow up

Time to focus on family two?

I think to the OP it's just "family". And rightly bloody so.

awarmglow yeah I do agree with that, I think OP has been considerably kinder and more willing to extend the hand of friendship than a majority of the commenters on this thread, it is more those responses that I find sad. If somebody just told me to or implied I should "grow up" I wouldnt bother trying to build bridges either, but I don't think that is OP. I would love to hear an update from her about whether they were able to resolve it.

Hi everyone, thought I would update you. So went to see Ds and his partner over the weekend. Took flowers and b/card for her b/day.
Ds and Dh went to pub so took opportunity to have chat. Apologised if my actions had upset her and asked why she was so upset. Turned out that she had wanted to come on holiday with us but they couldn't afford to. I would have paid for their flights if I had known.

We had a long chat and have agreed that we will go on holiday together at the next opportunity. Hopefully our relationship will be okay now but something we agreed we both need to work on. Thanks to everyone for their advice.

That’s a good update. Pleased for you all

Well done OP.
So glad you've managed to get to the bottom of some of it at least.
Keep working on the relationship.
Sounds like it will all work out.

I'm so glad to hear that you were able to talk to her and find out what lay at the heart of the issue. It's so sad when something that could have been so easily resolved festered, due to her not feeling she could say what was wrong until now.

I hope this is the beginning of a more relaxed relationship, and that both the upcoming holiday and the new planned one are succesful. Thanks for the update!

Oh what a lovely update

Best of luck to you all.