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Original poster

Problem with new daughter in law

399 replies

wishiwasinthesun · 11/10/2019 08:10

Hi

Need some advice please.

My son has been with his partner now for a few years and they have a baby (6 mths old). I used to get on really well with her.

My sons ex-wife is lovely and we have a really good relationship. Have known her for a long time. She is the mother to my 2 eldest grandchildren who are now teenagers. The problem is with my son's new partner who has issues with my son's ex-wife.

I am going on holiday next year and am going with son's ex-wife. Since his new partner found out she hasn't spoken to me. My son has quite an amicable relationship with his ex-wife and they co-parent really well.

Things are very difficult now with his new partner, I don't feel that I can go to their house to see my grandchild. On 2 occasions she has just got up and walked out when we have been there, only returning several hours later.

Have tried talking to her about this but she just shuts me down saying that I have made my choice. My son is stuck in the middle and does ring me frequently and says that I can visit whenever I want but it is such a horrible atmosphere. I don't live near my son so visits have to be planned and I don't think he would be allowed to come to visit us on his own with baby.

WWYD??

OP posts:
ChilledBee · 11/10/2019 10:03

I think some people believe their relationship choices should dictate the relationships of everyone around them. This controlling behaviour which has become in a norm in women is no nothing short of abusive. How dare anyone think it is okay to throw a tantrum because their MIL keeps a warm relationship with the mother of their GC. It is allowing your pathological insecurity and low self esteem overwhelm your maturity and compassion.

Any person here who thinks it is okay to behave like that should live the rest of their days alone like the abusive creature they are.

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 11/10/2019 10:07

As you say the ex-wife is mother to your grandchildren and always will be. Are you and she on your own and glad to find somebody else in the same boat to go away with? If so that's worth pointing out.

Assuming there is not more to this than meets the eye,, present DIL sounds a bit immature and nsecure. Is she one of these second wives who like to pretend their partner didn't have a previous remarriage or children? Could it be hormones at the present time? It's strange if you've previously had a good relationship. If you take on somebody who has a history and kids you have to be prepared to deal with that, and it sounds like she isn't. I think your son needs to step up here - if he doesn't have a problem, why should she?

If she won't talk to you, then I would sit down and write her a letter, saying that you are sorry that you are currently not getting on. You have obviously upset her without meaning to, and you would really like to go back to your previous relationship with her as she is precious to you.

Good luck.

AnneKipanki · 11/10/2019 10:08

I think when OP says 'can't be arsed' she means not with the person but with the treatment that she is being given by that person .
She can' be bothered with the not talking on the phone every day like they used to , and the walking out of the room for hours .

AnneKipanki · 11/10/2019 10:12

I think it is great that OP still has a good relationship with her son's ex wife . It is good for her and the grandchildren .

Why does the son not want to marry the new partner ?

Boysey45 · 11/10/2019 10:12

I personally cant see that you are doing anything wrong. Obviously you want a relationship still with your ex DIL and GC.
I think she sounds petty and very jealous. I'd leave her to it and I wouldn't stop seeing the others because of her. Could you talk to your son about it saying that you would like a relationship with both of them?.
I wouldn't be chasing or pandering to the current DIL, no way.Its not for her to be controlling what you do and who you are friends with.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 11/10/2019 10:15

I don't blame her at all, I'd be fuming if I were her.

Having a relationship that's cordial - no problem at all. The fact that both you and your son thought it acceptable to holiday with her and the kids last year is unbelievable though. No wonder she doesn't want to be around you!

AryaStarkWolf · 11/10/2019 10:17

Oh wasn't there a thread on here recently about a woman complaining her mother in Law was going on holidays with her DPs ex and step children? I wonder if it's the OPs DIL

TatianaLarina · 11/10/2019 10:21

The fact that both you and your son thought it acceptable to holiday with her and the kids last year is unbelievable though. No wonder she doesn't want to be around you!

The only person who shouldn’t have been involved in that is DH. DIL has a DH problem not a MIL problem in that scenario.

Wtfdoipick · 11/10/2019 10:23

Its great when children are children to keep a good relationship with their mother to facilitate this but we aren't talking children, these are adults. The op stated that they are now at university. My own dc manage their own relationships with my parents, they don't go through me any more. Something just feels odd about this situation but I'll admit I'm comparing it to my own (not a second wife) I've stepped back and let the children build their own relationship, I wouldn't dream of joining them on holiday with their grandparents, and like I say these are my own parents who I do go away with.

beachysandy81 · 11/10/2019 10:25

I cant believe some of the comments here.

I can imagine you are going on the holiday because you want to spend time with your grandchild as well as your ex-DIL. As he is a teen this might be one of the last times you get to spend quality time with him.

I think your DIL is being very mean especially as it sounds like you had a good relationship with her and spent lots of time with her and the baby before. It is like she is expecting you not to have a relationship with your other grandchildren.

littleduckeggblue · 11/10/2019 10:26

If my MIL sent on holiday with my husbands ex I would feel VERY put out

Teddybear45 · 11/10/2019 10:28

The current partner sounds really childish and controlling. Honestly I would leave her to it. She might be feeling insecure because she isn’t married to your son yet, or insecure in general about the way he treats their shared kid in relation to his other ones. Either way I doubt it has anything to do with you and everything to do with him.

frazzledasarock · 11/10/2019 10:29

I can’t see the new DIL point at all.

Surely she can see that the ex wife will always be part of the family as her DP has children from his previous relationship?

It’s nice everyone’s amicable and the ex wife can go on holiday with ex in laws with her DC. I think it’s healthy for children of a relationship to be part of and interact in a kind and civil manner with family even if parents are no longer in a relationship with eachother.

You’ve invited DIL on holidays but she’s refused. Does she not want to go on holiday with you and not want anyone else to either?

I’d hope if my relationship with DP ended that I’d maintain a good relationship with my MIL, she adores her DGC and that wouldn’t end if I parted with her son. I also have a good relationship with her and I’d hope that would continue.

I think you need to ask her out for coffee and have a chat with her.

If she refuses, there’s not much you can do.

I wouldn’t be dictated to by anyone about whom I keep company with tho.

ChilledBee · 11/10/2019 10:33

Can anyone explain what they'd feel so put out about if their MIL went on holiday with their ex DIL? I just don't get it.

Rainbunny · 11/10/2019 10:35

I can't believe the opinions of some posters here! OP is not a piece of family property who belongs to whoever the current DIL is! I assume the son and DIL split a while before the son remarried and for the son and his ex and the OP to all still get along is a modern miracle IMO!

The new DIL came into this family dynamic and frankly it's for her to accept that her MIL is friendly with the ex (and she should see this as a very good thing particularly as there are two children from the first marriage). OP please do not sacrifice your good relations with the ex-DIL because your DIL has an insecure and immature notion that you're somehow disloyal.

Since her attitude seems to have changed after having a baby I'm sure that's part of it. I'd speak to your son about this and make it clear that you'd love to have a great relationship with her and just keep doing what you're doing, be friendly in the face of her hostility and don't let it stop you from seeing your son and grandchild. Hopefully she'll thaw over time and stop feeling so insecure.

WooMaWang · 11/10/2019 10:35

To some extent, people are responding as if the GC are not young adults here.

There's also some unspoken assumption that a relationship with the mother is the only way to ensure a relationship with the GC. That one really irritates my DP when his mother makes it. He's pointed out to her that her lack of care for and about him (and prioritising his ex) is what is endangering her relationship with the GC through him.

Which, of course, brings me back to the DP problem. Here we've got loads of posts about relationships with the GC being achieved through relationships with their mothers. Clearly their father has no responsibility for this at all. Yet, apparently he's a 'great dad' (aren't they always).

BlackCherry666 · 11/10/2019 10:38

This is tough, I can see why your DIL feels put out but I also see your side.

In the interests of maintaining a relationship with your grandchild AND your son, I would talk to your DIL and say that whilst you're sorry that you have upset her, you really want to go on holiday with your grandchild. I would really emphasise that point and make it more about your grandchildren than the ex wife.

I'd try and cut your DIL a bit of slack, she's a new mum, she might be feeling anxious and low anyway and possibly stressing that you and the ex wife might go away on holiday and be talking about her etc.

It's not worth creating a massive rift OP. Just do what you have to do to smooth things over but yes, still go on the holiday!

Troilusworks · 11/10/2019 10:42

If my MIL went on holiday with my husbands ex I would feel VERY put out

But why littleduckeggblue?

Surely it depends on relationships but there's no suggestion that the first wife has been abusive to the second partner or to her ex, or that the OP is not making any effort with the second partner. So why shouldn't the OP have the relationship she wants. I don't see how it would affect you at all. Unless you want to be queen bee, it doesn't make any sense.

I would be far more upset to be cut off completely just because my relationship with my dh ended (and I'm not a second wife or divorced so no horses in this race).

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 11/10/2019 10:43

Oops, just realised it was your husband, not your son you went on holiday with - I do apologise OP.

JinglingHellsBells · 11/10/2019 10:45

@littleduckeggblue
If my MIL sent [?] on holiday with my husbands ex I would feel VERY put out

Really? Do explain why.

The son and former DIL divorced.

That does not mean that any friendships the DIl built up with the extended family have to end.

Some people are implying the former DIL ( 1st wife) is a horrible person or that the MIL's loyalty is to whoever her son happens to have as his current partner. (I don't think they are married BTW.)

The son and his ex wife have an amicable relationship anyway as they co-parent 2 teenagers.

Why should his ex not stay friends with his mum?

BTW OP I think this one is for your son to handle. He needs to talk to his new partner and help her understand that your friendship with Wife 1 is no threat to her. Get him to do the talking.

JinglingHellsBells · 11/10/2019 10:46

BTW the son's current partner is not a daughter in law- they are not married.

IonnaS · 11/10/2019 10:51

She is probably feeling out of sorts for other reasons and taking it out on you as a relatively safe target.

There is NOTHING wrong with being close to the mother of your grandchildren - which is what she will always be no matter what happens with your son. She is being immature but hopefully she'll get over it. Maybe suggest doing something nice with her (a night away while your son has their baby?).

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/10/2019 10:54

BTW the son's current partner is not a daughter in law- they are not married.

Oh thank goodness the language police have arrived Hmm

Thegreymethod · 11/10/2019 10:55

Of course you can go on holiday with who
you want (weird to go with someone you don't socialise with and only see twice a year when it's causing so many problems, in my opinion Hmm) but your daughter in law obviously feels uncomfortable and upset about it and I'd feel the same....... it's about choices and you've made yours so don't complain about the repercussions it's causing.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/10/2019 10:55

Of course you can be friends with anyone you want. Of course its good that you have a good relationship with exDIL and GCs. However, when you say things like
" I have come to the point now where I can't be arsed to have such people in my life and I am sure she feels the same."

Do you think DIL2 has not picked up on this? She's clearly feeling insecure and trying to cope with work, new baby, and her DH's family situation. It would only be human for her to think that you are in the exDIL camp and she therefore doesn't trust you. Walking out of the room when you visit suggests there is more to it than this.
Do you really know how well your son has explained all of this to her?

Perhaps DIL2 is being immature, but You are older and wiser than DIL, and could let her know that she has nothing to worry about. I note that you talk about seeing your GC, which is fine but it does have overtones of asserting your rights. Put yourself in DIL2's position, can you see how much your matey relationship with ex-DIL contrasts with your current one with DIL2 ?
If its all just a big misunderstanding, and you want to improve this relationship I think you need to demonstrate to her that you can be understanding/forgiving, and that you view her as someone you could eventually have a good relationship. I don't think you would be losing face by doing this - who knows she may actually appreciate it and meet you halfway.

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