Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Problem with new daughter in law

399 replies

wishiwasinthesun · 11/10/2019 08:10

Hi

Need some advice please.

My son has been with his partner now for a few years and they have a baby (6 mths old). I used to get on really well with her.

My sons ex-wife is lovely and we have a really good relationship. Have known her for a long time. She is the mother to my 2 eldest grandchildren who are now teenagers. The problem is with my son's new partner who has issues with my son's ex-wife.

I am going on holiday next year and am going with son's ex-wife. Since his new partner found out she hasn't spoken to me. My son has quite an amicable relationship with his ex-wife and they co-parent really well.

Things are very difficult now with his new partner, I don't feel that I can go to their house to see my grandchild. On 2 occasions she has just got up and walked out when we have been there, only returning several hours later.

Have tried talking to her about this but she just shuts me down saying that I have made my choice. My son is stuck in the middle and does ring me frequently and says that I can visit whenever I want but it is such a horrible atmosphere. I don't live near my son so visits have to be planned and I don't think he would be allowed to come to visit us on his own with baby.

WWYD??

OP posts:
Monsterdogs · 11/10/2019 08:49

Oh my dd girlfriend doesn't have a problem with this (I like her lots) but if she did she can fuck right off 😁.

underground76 · 11/10/2019 08:49

I really don't see why you should stop your great relationship with your ex-DIL because your son is now married to someone else. It was your son who divorced her, not you, and she is the mum of two of your grandchildren. If you were MIL, assuming you were as nice to me as you were to the ex, I'd honestly have no problem at all with you going on holiday with the ex or being great friends with her. I actually think it's quite nice. You're all grown-ups. It's not like the ex is some kind of threat Confused

Blueoasis · 11/10/2019 08:50

If you've gone on holiday before with the ex and your dil didn't mind, something has happened in between that you are not telling us. Stop lying and hiding it. Tell the truth or we can't help. You must be showing you favour the ex over the dil in every way possible, maybe not realising.

I would also love to hear the dils side to this. Bet its more truthful.

Aridane · 11/10/2019 08:51

So if I understand this right, you are going on holiday with DGS and his mother, your former DIL?

In which case DIL No 2 is rude, unreasonable but emotionally vulnerable and insecure

zafferana · 11/10/2019 08:51

Your new 'DiL' clearly thinks you've chosen his ex over her

Why does it have to be a choice? Surely you can get on well with both of them and be in touch with both without 'choosing'? This 'if you see her then you're rejecting me' nonsense is just so childish.

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2019 08:51

Why do you keep calling her "new" when they have been together six years?

I'd bet good money op this is not all there is too it. Seldom if people have a good relationship does someone throw their toys out the pram like this all of a sudden, if what's happened is explained.

I'd be interested to see it from your daughter in laws perspective.

It's clear you don't like her, or prefer his first wife. Did you feel you'd like to make that clear to her as well. And make her life just that little bit harder because her and your son fell in love? Punish her a bit?

Juells · 11/10/2019 08:52

Oh let her fuck off, she's being ridiculous. You're supposed to suddenly view your ex-DiL as 'the enemy' because she's the ex?

Your son shouldn't allow himself to be that controlled, either, but no point in saying that or you'll just make things worse.

You could point out to her that if she and your son broke up you'd want to stay on good terms with her as well.

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 11/10/2019 08:54

She's being incredibly petty and immature about this. She's entitled no to like it but 'punishing' you and saying you've mad a 'choice' is ridiculous unless there's more to it? If the your son has no issue then this new wife certainly shouldn't have,.
You had a relationship with the ex long before the new wife was on the scene and if it hasn't caused any problems up til now and you've managed to retain that, and see your grand kids then good for you.
Your son should have a word.

sarahjconnor · 11/10/2019 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChilledBee · 11/10/2019 08:56

I completely believe DIL has taken this stance. I had a neighbour who screamed at me for speaking to her ex husband last year. I've known them both the same length of time and we were having a chat and I mentioned her ex had told me something that she just told me (local gossip basically). She screamed at me in Waitrose and went off in tears. Luckily they had to sell in the split.

nzborn · 11/10/2019 08:57

I feel l must speak up for the first wife/partner,l had a great relationship with my ex till he meet someone else then l never really existed again to him and his family and of course, no one thought how this affected my child.All these relationships are entwined and we all need to learn how to get on without punishing or excluding.
You have my symphony as it takes a strong person to be true to original relationships.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/10/2019 08:57

I honestly can't see the problem with this.

She is the mother of two of your grand-children. She and your son are amicable. Neither wants to resuscitate their old relationship.

All I can think is that your new DIL is feeling very vulnerable because of her baby.

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2019 08:57

You're supposed to suddenly view your ex-DiL as 'the enemy' because she's the ex?

You do understand there is a mid ground between viewing someone as the enemy and holidaying with them right? Confused

Timeywimey10 · 11/10/2019 08:58

I’ve been on a massive holiday with my ex’s mother. We are great friends, and have the best time together. We literally never talk about ex at all, we are both repartnered with children etc. It literally never occurred to me that his new partner would have a problem with it. Why would she? Do I have to stop being friends with his mum just because our relationship didn’t work out

She needs to grow up. Be friends with whoever you want

This. She has a young baby so she may be feeling a bit vulnerable at the moment. But if it continues she's being more than a bit pathetic. I wouldn't care who my MIL sees or goes away with. Why would it be any of my business?

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 11/10/2019 08:59

I'd be having a word with both your son and DIL - she's being incredibly disrespectful towards you...

Cocolapew · 11/10/2019 08:59

Your new DIL is being ridiculous, you're the grandmother to her partners children. Of course you have a history with your ex dil.

Ambidexte · 11/10/2019 09:00

"She's made her choice"?!

What a stupid thing to say. Why should it have to be a choice? Normal adults accept that people may have friendly relationships with more than one person!

Is your ex-DIL demanding that you refuse to spend time with your son's new partner? No, of course she isn't.

Your son's new partner is manufacturing completely unnecessary problems. Unless there's a massive undisclosed backstory here, then she's being incredibly stupid and immature.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/10/2019 09:00

It's clear you don't like her, or prefer his first wife.

Is it?

Where does it say or imply that?

CaptainCaveMum · 11/10/2019 09:01

Ooh drip drip drippy drip
You went on holiday last year with your son, his kids (your DGC) and the ex-wife?! Wow, I’m not surprised your DiL (she’s not new, she’s been around several years and is the mother of your DGS) is at the end of her rope with you. She must feel incredibly vulnerable - she has a new baby, she’s a first time mum. And her MiL is determined to play happy families with the ex.
Of course it’s ok for you to be friends with the ex, but to involve your son as well is hugely insensitive. This and your language around your DiL makes me suspect you would love your son and his ex to reunite. If your DiL posted on MN, I would advise her not to go on holiday with you too. And to consider going NC. Beware - you may lose your baby DGC if you don’t start being more supportive.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 11/10/2019 09:04

I'm reading this like this Shock. Don't people think it's a good thing that OP has continued a relationship with her son's first wife and her older grandchildren?

Her current dil seems to be wanting to pretend that the ex never existed. How incredibly controlling and immature. She needs to get over it! She sounds absolutely dreadful.

pikapikachu · 11/10/2019 09:04

Most people want friends to remain neutral if they get divorced from their spouse. They want their friends to see both parties equally and not take sides. I think that OP is trying to do this and had a good relationship with both women regardless of whether or not they were with her son.

Would/have you have ever asked your DIL
to go away with you? Going on holiday together sounds like you're really close which is at odds with the speaking twice a year thing but I get that you can be friends and have a successful long distance friendship. I also understand that being friends with your grandchildren's mother is a good way to cement your relationship with the grandchildren (and it obviously helps that you like their mum regardless of grandchildren)

On the other hand I can totally see why your DIL isn't impressed that you're going away with the ex if the closest that you got with her was a daily matter on the phone. She could do with some reassurance that you love her too and you're not going away with ex because you love her more. Women who have just had babies can be emotional and hormonal and I can see how news like that could be a knock to her confidence. I know that stepmums can worry that their pregnancies are less special if their partners had a child before and being tired and stressed can make people less rational. I am surprised that you did not worry how DIL would interpret your actions.

diddl · 11/10/2019 09:04

"Of course I am allowed to see grandchild, she is not that petty."

Well that's something.

From your posting it seems to me that you think that she should make all the effort & she perhaps feels that also.

If she has issues with your son's ex & can see how it might hurt her that you get on so well with her.

cheesewitheverything · 11/10/2019 09:05

You aren't paying for everyone on the holiday are you OP? Just thinking money might be at the root of this...

Aderyn19 · 11/10/2019 09:07

Presumably OP says 'new' Dil to distinguish between her and the 'old' Dil, for our benefit, so we can follow the thread. There's no need to over analyse every single word the OP writes.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/10/2019 09:07

Would/have you have ever asked your DIL to go away with you?

Read OP's posts - she has asked. DIL has declined.