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Original poster

Problem with new daughter in law

399 replies

wishiwasinthesun · 11/10/2019 08:10

Hi

Need some advice please.

My son has been with his partner now for a few years and they have a baby (6 mths old). I used to get on really well with her.

My sons ex-wife is lovely and we have a really good relationship. Have known her for a long time. She is the mother to my 2 eldest grandchildren who are now teenagers. The problem is with my son's new partner who has issues with my son's ex-wife.

I am going on holiday next year and am going with son's ex-wife. Since his new partner found out she hasn't spoken to me. My son has quite an amicable relationship with his ex-wife and they co-parent really well.

Things are very difficult now with his new partner, I don't feel that I can go to their house to see my grandchild. On 2 occasions she has just got up and walked out when we have been there, only returning several hours later.

Have tried talking to her about this but she just shuts me down saying that I have made my choice. My son is stuck in the middle and does ring me frequently and says that I can visit whenever I want but it is such a horrible atmosphere. I don't live near my son so visits have to be planned and I don't think he would be allowed to come to visit us on his own with baby.

WWYD??

OP posts:
Johntorrodeismydad · 11/10/2019 08:29

If you can’t be arsed OP why ask? You’re not hearing what you want. As the person in your DILs shoes I totally understand why she feels she doesn’t want to see you, you sound horrible.

NameChange84 · 11/10/2019 08:29

Well probably if you only socialise with her once or twice a year, its come as even more of a shock that you are going on holiday with her.

I think the vast majority of women would be at least a little hurt or put out at you so obviously favouring a son's previous wife. The new partner has just made it much clearer that shes unhappy than some other people might.

If you want to put it right, you are going to have to talk to her and explain you didn't realise it would cause much upset.

I think you've been a bit naive to think this couldn't possibly upset anyone.

Have you ever been on holiday with the new partner? Do you speak frequently about the ex in front of her? Could it come across that you favour the ex and your oldest grandchildren over the new partner and younger grandchild?

blackcat86 · 11/10/2019 08:29

As a 2nd wife and SM as well as having my own DD with DH, I can see that in DILs shoes I might be feeling a little miffed. 2nd wives and SMs get a raw deal anyway but in the way you speak about her and in your actions it seems that the level of effort you put into the relationships is very different. You can absolutely go on holiday with who you like but she is also allowed to be upset if she wants to. Maybe reflect on how accepting you have been of DIL and whether you have put equal effort in to that relationship. Shes presumably off on mat leave so could you invite her to visit with DGC? Could you go there for the day and take her out whilst your son watches the baby (or a few hours, whatever she feels comfortable with in terms of leaving baby). The MN stance is usually that DC should be treated the same so if you're taking one of the DGC on holiday then you need to consider something appropriate for your other DGC or it'll seem that you're showing a preference for the older children.

Lavera · 11/10/2019 08:30

I’m surprised by these responses!

We’re a blended family, and my parents get on very well with my ex partner and father of my oldest DC. So does my DH. In fact, my ex partner has stayed over at my parents’ house before when he’s visiting London. If they went on holiday together with DC I’d be surprised but I’d laugh about it, rather than be upset. DH wouldn’t even raise an eyebrow.

What a shame people have to be so territorial.

Of course it was painful when my ex partner and I split, but the pain was mine and his and our child’s. Not our subsequent partners’!

Honestly hearing things like this makes me dread being a MIL one day. This new wife sounds petty and manipulative. But, OP, I suppose all you can do is smile and bear it for the sake of the relationship with her baby.

Is she someone who is likely to talk? Can you have a gentle conversation with her? Both get your feelings out?

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 11/10/2019 08:31

I think OP its time for a bottle of wine and a cake and a sit down chat round the kitchen table with your new DIL...no arguments no accusations and clear the air by talking to each other,Or if that is not possible why not write her a letter? You could be generous in your approach and say something like how much she means to you and how sad you are that things don;t seem to be as they were between you and ask what you can do to put it right as you miss her...now that might be a load of old tosh but it might make her feel reassured as to her place in the family and it might just be a start to getting her to open up to you .As you are reaching out though tread carefully! I think she is just insecure and jealous maybe or feeling as though she can;t compete with the first wife..daft I agree but it might be that.I would though, if you do manage to salvage any relationship with her ,keep your relationship with first wife not secret but discreet and away from her it might help matters no end!

flapjackfairy · 11/10/2019 08:31

Well personally I don't see what you have done wrong. She was a big part of your family and you can't erase the past !
I think his new partner is being ridiculous and if she keeps walking out when you visit and won't discuss it then what can you do, she is being childish . Surely it would be better to clear the air but if she won't then maybe write a letter telling her how sad you are to have upset her and that it was unintentional etc etc. You may have to lay it on thick to smooth things over if that is what you want but for family harmony I would be prepared to do that.

CherryPavlova · 11/10/2019 08:32

Is she very young or immature? Sounds like she’s not confident in her relationship with your son.
It also sounds like she’s incredibly rude and ego centric. Why should you not go on holiday with who you want, including your grandchildren and their mother?
Just continue trying to be nice and pleasant but don’t discuss the first DIL with her unless asked. She’s clearly too insecure to cope. Praise her child caring and anything else you can think to praise her for.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/10/2019 08:32

I have come to the point now where I can't be arsed to have such people in my life and I am sure she feels the same

Oh well that’s easy then. You won’t be seeing much of your new grandchild. Also suggests that your original claim you want to be friendly with her again is a load of crap.

I hope your holiday with the ex is worth it.

Bellringer · 11/10/2019 08:34

Dil is overreacting, I see why but she's wrong. Not like you're taking her dh too. Carry on seeing your son and grandson
Let the dust settle, enjoy your holiday, then say your turn next. Ask your son where they would all like to go.

MumMcMumface · 11/10/2019 08:36

You only talk at Christmas and birthdays but go on holiday together? Confused

KUGA · 11/10/2019 08:37

I think its lovely you have that type of friendship with you x-dil. And its nice for your older G/children to see that you still have that relationship with their mom.
Your DS sounds like a lovely man but I do think he could have a little chat with his wife,if he hasnt already. As for your new dil,just ask her why she has changed towards you as you still feel the same about her as you always have. If you cant get through to her forget it.
At least she hasn`t stopped you going to the house.

Aderyn19 · 11/10/2019 08:37

I'm with the OP. She has spent years forming a good relationship with her first Dil. She considers her to be family and a friend. The second Dil has married a man who has been married before and has DC - she can't reasonably expect everyone in the family to behave as if that never happened and to cut off a woman they are fond of. A woman who is also the mother of their grandchildren.
Dil 2 needs to grow up. She is the one making this into a source of conflict. The OP doesn't have to choose her friends on the basis of dil's approval. I also think the son here has a responsibility to intervene and make sure his mum gets to see both him and her grandchild, since she hasn't actually done anything wrong!

Original poster
wishiwasinthesun · 11/10/2019 08:38

Just to clear up, me and son's ex-wife only physically see each other at Christmas or birthdays, we live quite a long distance from each other. We do email quite a lot about the grandchildren etc though so stay in touch regularly.

Thank you hellsbellsmelons that is exactly my sentiments.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 11/10/2019 08:39

It's lovely that you still have a great relationship with the ex.

But I think it's a bit much from a birthdays and Christmas friendship to now be going on holiday together.

Your DIL is a new mum. Possibly feeling vulnerable and low in confidence. She may be feeling as though you don't see her as favourably as the ex, which hurts. You've obviously not taken time or energy to chat about this or gauge how it might make her (and your son) feel.

Of course, she might just be a petulant madam. But I think you should have given her feelings a tiny thought before you booked the holiday.

QualCheckBot · 11/10/2019 08:39

Oh I think you're a bit of a stirrer OP and your "new" DIL has sussed you out! She's not actually in any way new as your son and her have been together for years. Talking on the phone daily to her before was quite odd and a bit stifling. This isn't your relationship, so take a step back and stop playing the ex wife off against the current one. Its not entertainment.

RegretnaGreen · 11/10/2019 08:40

I think you should be able to go on holiday and do anything else you like with your ex DIL OP. The new DIL is being immature here. It might well upset her and I get that but the adult thing to do is accept it. If she can't she should at least be civil. Accepting ones place in the pecking order of life is part of growing up and forming relationships.

Crack on with your plan and accept she feels this way. One day she may realise what a knob she is being.

Silvercatowner · 11/10/2019 08:40

but won't be told who I can see

I'd love to her the other side of this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/10/2019 08:44

Accepting ones place in the pecking order of life is part of growing up and forming relationships.

Good advice for the OP who has put herself at the bottom of DIL’s list.

Original poster
wishiwasinthesun · 11/10/2019 08:46

I was prepared to get conflicting posts and can see it from new DIL's perspective. However have asked her several times to come away on holiday with us but she didn't want to. I will try and speak to her again but obviously I cannot change how she feels.

Also, just to say, that ex DIL did come away with me last year with both older GC's and DH but nothing was mentioned by new DIL!

Of course I am allowed to see grandchild, she is not that petty. KUGA, thank you for your comments.

OP posts:
Monsterdogs · 11/10/2019 08:46

Hi OP, grandchild opinion. My dm and dd divorced years ago and dd has a longterm gf. My dd mum, my gran, has a great relationship with my mum and I am very glad about that. Your new dil is being petty and selfish IMO. It's great for your teenage grandkids to see the people the care about get on and Im sure they will cherish the memories of your holiday. I love going on holiday with my gran!

Gretafamily · 11/10/2019 08:46

OP, are you going on holiday with just ex-wife or with grandkids as well?

stuffedpeppers · 11/10/2019 08:47

No one gets to dictate who you can be friends with. That was said to me by my EXs family, who had been fab friends for 20+ yrs by the time EX left me.
They have remained firm friends and as my family are all now dead, I have appreciated this immensely.

His first new DP - hated it, caused huge rifts between DP and his family, as they all said the same thing. He could be with whoever he likes and they would welcome them into the family but they did not dictate who they were friends. with.

Roll on second DP - she has no issue with it. We have discussed it and we both know we have different relationships with EXs family.

The comments on here about you upsetting her, less important, favouring, keeping it low key etc - you obviously have had a relationship with her for over 20 yrs - and that does not just disappear because the new DP is feeling emotional after a baby etc.

Be friends with whoever you like!

Lavera · 11/10/2019 08:47

Agree with Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe!

Beveren · 11/10/2019 08:47

I can understand that you feel that your DIL shouldn't dictate who you can see, but saying that you can't be arsed to have her in your life doesn't show you in the best light, particularly when it means in effect that you can't be arsed to have your grandchild in your life. Have you previously gone on holiday with DIL and your son?

zafferana · 11/10/2019 08:48

I feel for you OP and I think it's horrible that new wives expect the whole family to socially drop the ex and shun her/him as soon as they come on the scene. Your DS's ex has been in your life for, I'm guessing, about 20 years and I think it's lovely that you have the kind of relationship with her that means you can go on holiday and spend time with your GC.

A good friend of mine got divorced a couple of years ago and since then her former ILs have dropped her like a stone. This would be hurtful enough, but her own DPs are dead and at the time her ILs said 'We know it's not the same, but you'll always have us', yet they dumped her as soon as their useless DS fucked off. Your new DIL sounds petty to me, particularly as your DS and his ex have a good relationship, so why does she feel threatened? She needs to grow up. Not that that does you any good.