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Original poster

Problem with new daughter in law

399 replies

wishiwasinthesun · 11/10/2019 08:10

Hi

Need some advice please.

My son has been with his partner now for a few years and they have a baby (6 mths old). I used to get on really well with her.

My sons ex-wife is lovely and we have a really good relationship. Have known her for a long time. She is the mother to my 2 eldest grandchildren who are now teenagers. The problem is with my son's new partner who has issues with my son's ex-wife.

I am going on holiday next year and am going with son's ex-wife. Since his new partner found out she hasn't spoken to me. My son has quite an amicable relationship with his ex-wife and they co-parent really well.

Things are very difficult now with his new partner, I don't feel that I can go to their house to see my grandchild. On 2 occasions she has just got up and walked out when we have been there, only returning several hours later.

Have tried talking to her about this but she just shuts me down saying that I have made my choice. My son is stuck in the middle and does ring me frequently and says that I can visit whenever I want but it is such a horrible atmosphere. I don't live near my son so visits have to be planned and I don't think he would be allowed to come to visit us on his own with baby.

WWYD??

OP posts:
BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 11/10/2019 09:29

My son has already spoken to her to try and resolve and he is in no way to blame for her insecurities. (His word not mine).

Your son is a bit of a dick, OP.

Agreed. Can’t believe the language people are using on here. ‘Get your son to sort her out’? So sexist and patronising! Any other thread would say you dil has a dh problem. He won’t marry her or back her, no wonder she’s freaking out.

KOKOtiltomorrow · 11/10/2019 09:30

What @hellsbellsmelons said

OP you are getting some harsh replies. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. You have known DIL1 a long time and are friends. DIL2 could have similar relationship but appears threatened by your friendship with DIL1. That’s her problem, not yours. Have you spoke to her about it and what did she say? Interesting that she feels so put out by this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/10/2019 09:31

You love them equally but “can’t be arsed” to see one of them. Sure you’re not a bit confused?

Original poster
wishiwasinthesun · 11/10/2019 09:32

To be honest, I would say that I am closer to DIL2. She is more open and welcoming. She is very personable and normally very approachable.

My son is a brilliant dad to all of his children. Some of your comments are very unfair. Both DILs are also brilliant mums. Also, I have really good relationships with both of my sons.

Shame some of you need to be so negative and make judgements.

I have received good advice and will be taking that. Thank you.

OP posts:
WooMaWang · 11/10/2019 09:32

Why do we always assume that the woman is in the wrong? Maybe the DIL is fed up with dealing with her partner's shit? Maybe she is feeling vulnerable because she's had a baby with a man who doesn't support her and tells his mother that he doesn't want to marry her/he doesn't care about her feelings?

Maybe she walks out because of him.

But, no. She's obviously just a hysterical 'new partner' who is jealous and pathetic. It must be that. And he won't put up with that shit for long.

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower · 11/10/2019 09:32

Have tried talking to her about this but she just shuts me down saying that I have made my choice

But she's right. You have. You are doing the mil/exmil of wanting to have your cake and eat it.

Aderyn19 · 11/10/2019 09:33

Qual the OP hasn't bitched about dil2. She's made a factual statement on an anonymous site that Dil wants to be married and her son doesn't. She has ever right to say this if it's true, since it is pertinent to the thread.

OP is under no obligation to like dil2 as much as dil1 - she is her son's choice, not the OP's. The only real obligation the OP has is the polite and not undermine her parenting. No one has to love their ILs.

maddy68 · 11/10/2019 09:33

Getting on with an ex Dil is fine but going on holiday is definitely rubbing it in your new dils face. I wouldn't be happy either

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower · 11/10/2019 09:33

*equivalent

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower · 11/10/2019 09:34

To be honest, I would say that I am closer to DIL2. She is more open and welcoming. She is very personable and normally very approachable.

So why are you going on holiday with the other one then?

WooMaWang · 11/10/2019 09:34

Yes @BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail. If we got the D(not)IL's side of the story, we'd almost certainly agree that it was a DP problem.

Blueoasis · 11/10/2019 09:35

You haven't said a single nice thing about her. This post has all been about you, how you feel, how you're inconvenienced, how it affects you, what you do on holiday. Not a single bit of consideration for the would-be DIL. If it were me, I'd dump the whole sorry lot of you and if considering marriage, make sure I married into a family who were actually nice to me.

This. There is stuff you aren't telling us.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/10/2019 09:37

But she's right. You have. You are doing the mil/exmil of wanting to have your cake and eat it#
What???
Having a good relationship with the ExDIL is NOT OK in your eyes?
Why not?
Should she just drop her and her older GC to appease the current DIL who she hasn't known anywhere near as long?
This makes absolutely NO sense to me what-so-ever.
Am I just a normal, accepting adult then?
Or am I a mug in some way by having more than 1 friend?

crazychemist · 11/10/2019 09:37

Oh OP, give her a bit of slack for being unreasonable right now. 6months is quite tough, she might be having all sorts of sleep with feeding, sleep, worrying about going back to work.... she’s probably worried that this is a sign that you will always like the ex more than her and she’s feeling vulnerable.

Stay nice and positive and light. Have your holiday and have a nice time. Maintain light, friendly contact to make it clear you aren’t cross at her for her (slightly unreasonable but totally understandable) response. Keep visiting however you normally would, even if she walks out, but don’t make a thing of the fact that she has gone out. Smile when she comes back. I suspect it’ll be quite hard work for you and a bit annoying, but if you want that good relationship back I think you’ll have to put a bit of effort in. I assume she’s not horrible, or you wouldn’t have had a good relationship with her before! She must just be feeling a bit crap.

You can also speak to your son. Explain to him, but don’t ask him to talk to her. You have a good relationship with his ex (don’t bring his relationship into it) and that’s important to you because she is the mother of some of your grandchildren. You like and respect his current wife too, and would like to have a good relationship with her as well, but you understand that she’s finding this situation tough. Ask him if there’s anything you can do to help get through this - he must know her pretty well!

Snog · 11/10/2019 09:37

I would just try to be supportive and helpful to your current DIL.

If you're not planning any more holidays with former DIL then I would also apologise to DIL for not considering her feelings.

TatianaLarina · 11/10/2019 09:38

No way would any adult have a problem with this, surely? You get along with his second wife and his first wife. You're going on holiday to spend time with your grandson I imagine? It seems very immature to make a fuss about that.

This. There seem to be a lot insecure women on this thread. Mind boggling actually.

If DIL2 wants to holiday with OP too she can ask her.

Blueoasis · 11/10/2019 09:40

QualCheckBot You are obviously a DIL2.

This is the ops true opinion of her dil. She doesn't like her despite what she claims.

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower · 11/10/2019 09:45

Having a good relationship with the ExDIL is NOT OK in your eyes?

Having a respectful relationship is fine. I have a cordial and respectful relationship with my email but it wouldnt feel appropriate to be 'friends' with her or go on holiday with her and she and I were very close when my ex and I were together and for a good couple of years afterwards until he became serious with someone else. I think that's appropriate

JinglingHellsBells · 11/10/2019 09:47

Your son's new partner is out of order.

You and your former DIL are grown adult women and if you want to go on holiday it's none of her business.

How dare she have a strop and try to control who you see?
Your son's ex is exactly that- HIS ex.
That doesn't mean she has no further contact with his family just because they are no longer married.

I'd hold out the olive branch and try to arrange a coffee with his new partner and explain she ought not to feel threatened.

JinglingHellsBells · 11/10/2019 09:51

There are so many ridiculous posts here from women who seem to think that any relationships built up have to end when marital status ends.

I know of loads of families where for example my friends are still good friends with their former SILs, and where mums are friends with both current and former DILs.

Honestly, MN is like another universe at times.

TatianaLarina · 11/10/2019 09:52

I agree Jingling it’s very odd.

Fiacla · 11/10/2019 09:55

You've given a lot of mixed messages on this thread, OP, which makes me wonder about whether you do the same in RL. You keep using the word 'new' about your second DIL, although she's been with your son for years and they have a baby do you give her the impression you see her as a Johnny-come-lately? Or is the fact that she's not married to your son (not by her choice) that makes a difference for you? And you keep saying you love her more than your previous DIL, but that doesn't seem to emerge in your posts in terms of any warmth towards her you sound aggrieved.

Anyway, it's completely irrelevant who's 'right' or 'wrong' here -- if you want to have a good relationship with your second DIL, you need to figure out a way of changing the dynamic, and you should do it directly, because I'm not wildly impressed with the sound of your son in all this.

KatharinaRosalie · 11/10/2019 09:58

You get along with his second wife and his first wife. You're going on holiday to spend time with your grandson I imagine? It seems very immature to make a fuss about that.

This. So a grandma is not allowed to holiday with older grandson (and his mum) ever again? Has DIL2 actually asked MIL to join them for a holiday and she said no?

Aderyn19 · 11/10/2019 10:00

It's not appropriate to tell another adult who they can and cannot remain friends with. The marital status of the OP's son should have no bearing on her own friendships.
My ds has had a serious gf for a couple of years now and I have grown very fond of her, independently of the relationship she has with my son. If they split, I would still care about her, help her out if I could, worry about her (she has a difficult family life). I would not take kindly to a subsequent gf of my son thinking she could tell me it's inappropriate for me to maintain contact. Or sulking like a stroppy teenager over it.
My relationships are not bound by other people's marital status, not even my son's.
It's utterly ridiculous to expect people to welcome ILs and view them as family but then cut off that relationship if a divorce happens.

Belfield · 11/10/2019 10:01

I think a lot of the comments here are very harsh. You are going on holidays with your grandchild(ren) also so it is not just about the DIL. It is, I presume, an attempt to keep a relationship with your grandchildren and you also get on well with your DIL. I have two brothers who are divorced and I still get on well with my former exSIL. My son gets on with his cousins. Both of my brothers feel I should have no relationship with ex SIL and it causes tension so I feel for you OP. Divorce is hard but I actually hate the way people who divorce put tremendous pressure on family to also divorce the partner, to also hate the ex partner, to take their sides, to pick a side etc. I can't go on holiday with my DIL even though I know my son would absolutely love to go on holidays with his cousin because it would fracture relationship with brother. I personally think your DIL should accept that you had a relationship with your ex DIL well before she arrived and that you have grandchildren who you should be able to see. If she and your son divorced tomorrow, does she think that you won't want a relationship with your grandchild/her?

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