Problem with new daughter in law

[wishiwasinthesun]

Hi

Need some advice please.

My son has been with his partner now for a few years and they have a baby (6 mths old). I used to get on really well with her.

My sons ex-wife is lovely and we have a really good relationship. Have known her for a long time. She is the mother to my 2 eldest grandchildren who are now teenagers. The problem is with my son's new partner who has issues with my son's ex-wife.

I am going on holiday next year and am going with son's ex-wife. Since his new partner found out she hasn't spoken to me. My son has quite an amicable relationship with his ex-wife and they co-parent really well.

Things are very difficult now with his new partner, I don't feel that I can go to their house to see my grandchild. On 2 occasions she has just got up and walked out when we have been there, only returning several hours later.

Have tried talking to her about this but she just shuts me down saying that I have made my choice. My son is stuck in the middle and does ring me frequently and says that I can visit whenever I want but it is such a horrible atmosphere. I don't live near my son so visits have to be planned and I don't think he would be allowed to come to visit us on his own with baby.

WWYD??

"You went on holiday last year with your son, his kids (your DGC) and the ex-wife?!"

I don't think that Op's son went-I assume her own husband was the "DH"

DIL and ex DIL would do the job perfectly well

Bluntness you do realise there's a middle ground between feeling a bit insecure and hurt and walking out every time someone comes into the room, right?

It certainly doesn't sound like you are favouring the ex DiL if you were speaking to the second DiL on such a regular basis and invited her on holidays but she chose not to go. And I do understand your reluctance to put up with her petulance if it's been going on for a while.

However, as she doesn't seem to be able to be mature about this, it may need you to try to resolve it, however much you may feel she's being unreasonable. I agree with the previous poster, could you go round there and try and talk it through and explain that you can't just cut off people because their relationship with a family member ends. How it's important as part of your relationship with your older grandchildren. And how you value your relationship with her and her child equally.

Good luck OP.

I went on holiday last year with my ex-DIL only - my son didn't come.
Both my older GC's and my DH came too. Where did I say that my son came?
Son isn't married to new partner. She wants this but he doesn't.

There is no back story to this. I previously had a really good relationship with son's new partner but now I don't because of the situation regarding forthcoming holiday with son's ex-wife.

OP is making an effort - she has travelled to visit her son's family. If I visited someone who upped and left as soon as I arrived, I'd be less inclined to make the effort in future. If the OP has been polite and kind to Dil 2 then there's really no excuse for that kind of behaviour. The son really ought to be sorting this out. A lot of time the mil gets the flak for things the Dil is unhappy about within her own relationship and it's easier to blame the mil than her own husband. Might be something going on here.
But ultimately you can't marry someone who has a long relationship history and expect everyone to behave as if you've married a virgin.

I wonder whether your son's new partner is secretly resentful of the decent co-parenting relationship your son has with his ex.

She may feel jealous, particularly now that she has her own new baby who has to "share" their father with other children. She may feel insecure and even competitive about her position and her baby's position in the wider family. She is probably more dependent on your son than she was before having the baby (and he hasn't married her, whereas he married his ex).

She knows it's not OK to complain about your son spending time with his other kids and being on good terms with his ex-wife. But maybe she has twisted herself into thinking that it's OK to turn those feelings onto you. So she puts her anger onto you for doing those things. It's not any more reasonable, but it feels more acceptable to her for some reason.

Cross posted with you OP. I think this isn't about you but about how she sees herself as not being as important as the person her dp did marry.

I get on really well with my MIL and my son is her only grandchild.
If I split from her son I would hope that the decades we have been friends would count for something and we would remain close. I am sure we would because she is still friends with the gf from before me, who my DP was with for around 12 years - she still pops in to see MIL now and then. In fact sees DP fairly often.
The fact that they can all accept that the relationships had run their course, but the friendships remain is a good sign to me.

Son isn't married to new partner. She wants this but he doesn't.

Wow, way too be involved. I'd be fuming if my MIL (you refer to her as your "new DIL") was talking about my relationship in this way. Particularly if she had come onto a social media site to bitch about me.

Maybe she is now thinking twice about marrying into this family. With a stirring MIL, an uncommitted father of her child, who could blame her?

You haven't said a single nice thing about her. This post has all been about you, how you feel, how you're inconvenienced, how it affects you, what you do on holiday. Not a single bit of consideration for the would-be DIL. If it were me, I'd dump the whole sorry lot of you and if considering marriage, make sure I married into a family who were actually nice to me.

In response to some of the posts, I can categorically state that I definitely love DIL2 as much as DIL1. That is why it is hurtful. I do take on board all your comments and will make another effort to try and talk to her. My son has already spoken to her to try and resolve and he is in no way to blame for her insecurities. (His word not mine).

Does your Son and Ex DIl get on OK when dealing with their Children? If yes then I don't see a problem. If they don't then I can understand why she may be upset. Not that their issues should affect you but that would be why.

QualCheckBot You are obviously a DIL2.

I agree that there's likely much more to the DIL's side of the story here. And it does come across that the OP much prefers her son's exW and sees her as the 'real' DIL (the clue is in the insistence on 'new' and saying that the relation with the ex was longer). And then there's the whole 'can't be arsed with people like this' aspect.

It may also be that the son is not as happy about his mother's behavior as she thinks. But, as is often the case, it's convenient for a mother to blame a DIL rather than accept that her relationship with her son isn't as great as she wants. And it's often extremely convenient for the son to have his wife be cast as the villain by his mum, rather than him.

I got on very well with my exMIL. In fact, losing the PILs was probably the worst thing about splitting with ex (losing him was excellent). I am pretty certain they'd rather have kept me instead of him too. But I now have a pretty distant (purely WA-based) relationship with exMIL because, however much I dislike my ex, it just isn't fair to 'claim' his mother. Both of us realize this is the right thing to do.

I'd hope that if my ex ever persuaded some poor woman that he's not awful and a viable relationship prospect, that my exMIL would not treat her as some sort of 'new DIL' or inferior replacement. I don't think she would. And I wouldn't want any future partner of my ex to have the spectre of me hanging over all aspects of her relationships with his family (she'd have enough to contend with in putting up with my horrible ex 😂).

No way would any adult have a problem with this, surely? You get along with his second wife and his first wife. You're going on holiday to spend time with your grandson I imagine? It seems very immature to make a fuss about that.

Maybe you could write her a note saying that you love having her in the family and just want time with your grandson. Perhaps you could tell her that you would love more time with her as well.

My son has already spoken to her to try and resolve and he is in no way to blame for her insecurities. (His word not mine).

Your son is a bit of a dick, OP.

QualCheckBot You are obviously a DIL2.

I'm not, and if that's an example of your judgement then you're obviously not as good at it as you think you are.

You seem to think in labels and stereotypes and fail to see the individuals. Your DIL will be avoiding contact with your for a reason. Try and work out what it is and address it.

@wishiwasinthesun I’m sort of in your new DiL position in the respect of my husband had DC1 with his ex wife- they were together 8 years, married 2 and split up about 6 months before we met.

My DH and I have been together 10 and married 5, my DSS is 17 and we’ve got two DC together.

My DH ex wife and his MIL get on well and still do now however it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. We are all quite amicable with each other, to the point where we have all had Christmas dinner together at MIL a few years running (this meant both DH and ex wife got to see DSS on Xmas day and our children got to see there brother as well) instead of splitting it.

I have a great relationship with MIL however I am guarded with what I tell her as I am conscious it might get repeated however except for this no issues at all.

However I can see how some might struggle with the relationship that an ex has with a MIL, can you invite your DIL out for a coffee or similar and try and clear the air? Or invite her to go to a spa day or similar and clear the air. Seems such a shame that she has taken this route but sounds like she is struggling. Has the relationship got worse since their DC came along?

"My son has already spoken to her to try and resolve and he is in no way to blame for her insecurities"

Apart from the fact that he won't marry her?

She is hurt.

It has probably opened old wounds about not feeling enough.

Maybe her parents made her feel second best and she is trying to cope with these feelings.

She possibly feels betrayed, maybe she saw you as a mother figure and you have just picked somebody else over her.

If the boot was on the other foot, and you were her...... how would you feel?

I think it is normal and lovely that you are still close to your ex-DIL and have a good relationship. And of course you can, and should, be friends with who you want, holiday with whoever you want. Your "new" DIL has no say in any of this and, on the face of it, her reaction suggests she's very insecure and is being unreasonable.

However, I do wonder if there is more to it than you are aware? Perhaps you make her feel second best, that you prefer your ex-dil etc- even if you don't mean to? It just seems odd that she has accepted your close relationship with your ex-dil before, including going on holiday etc but is now so unhappy she will not see or speak to you. She may just be being a stroppy madam, but on the other hand it would also seem possible that you have done something else to upset her (though clearly if she won't discuss it with you, you can't be expected to know or explain). If she were simply being petty and manipulative, wouldn't she also stop you being your DGC?

If I'm honest, I suspect it may be somewhere in the middle and you are both being unreasonable. You have probably inadvertently favoured/clearly been more friendly with your ex-dil (because there is a close bond, forged over a long period of time) which "new" DIL has now taken exception to/over-reacted to that, not recognising the reason behind it isn't that you dislike her. Perhaps she thought once the baby was born, you'd feel closer to her/have more of a relationship like you do with ex-DIL and was hurt that this did not (from her point of view) happen?

I would say that you do sound as though, even before recent events, that you like your ex-dil more and were closer. I suppose that would upset some people, and perhaps having a baby has made her feel more vulnerable and she worries that you will view her child as "less" than your other DHC (even if that is illogical)?

Could you ask your son to let you know what, precisely, has upset her so much?

I also have to add that over the years the relationship that ex wife and MIL have had has caused with my DH as she has been dragged into arguments by the ex wife and has been put in awkward positions.

I'd put money on the DIL being pissed off because the son is making her the villain in everything and she can't bloody win. So she's removing herself from situations where he gets to do that/play the poor martyred son in front of her.

I think I'd be pretty hurt if my MIL went on holiday with my partner's ex. You could socialise with her every damn week and DIL wouldn't have to know but by going on holiday you've made it something she has to know about which really rubs her face in it. I feel so sad for her, reading this. Her partner and father of her small baby doesn't want to marry her and her 'MIL' is going on holiday with his ex (the one he did want to marry). She must feel pretty second best all round.

I shouldn't worry too much. I doubt she'll be around much longer your DS won't put up with her shit for long.

This isn't about DIL's insecurities. It's about your completely odd decision making and your failure to consider anyone but yourself. Most adults would realise that choosing to go on holiday with an ex-DIL would have an impact on their relationship with current DIL. You chose a holiday with someone who you don't see very much over your relationship with current DIL. You made your choice. It has consequences. Whilst you're in denial about that and are trying to paint current DIL as being UR, you can't rebuild the relationship.
Thankfully I don't believe any adult could be that lacking in self awareness.