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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband slept with sister-in-law before we met

218 replies

Cleopatra88 · 04/10/2019 14:38

Hey everyone! Need your help!

So... I met my husband (let's call him Tom) 3 months after he had this "2-night-stand" with an older woman (let's call her Claire). One month into our relationship, he ended up setting up this woman with his older brother (let's call him Peter) without my knowledge. Turns out his brother was looking for love and he thought they would make a good match. His brother knew from the beginning that Tom had slept with Claire.

I met Claire for the first time at a family gathering when she came with Peter, as a couple. At this point, I did not know that she slept with Tom (my now husband). I immediately knew something was off- the way she looked at me, the way she looked at my husband. When I asked, he confessed to having slept with her a few months before he met me.

Anyways, so long story short, Claire and Peter ended up getting engaged 6 months into dating and married a year after meeting. I feel awkward at every family gathering. I just can't help but feel this enormous breach of privacy she's seen my husband naked and did sexual things with him! I know it was all before we met but I just can't seem to get over it :(. I know it's Peter's wife now but having to see my husband's one night stand at every family gathering is getting to my head.

I've been driving my husband nuts about it this seemingly never ending conversation about my discomfort. I know I need to let it go, but it's just so awkward... Maybe I'm too conservative or sensitive I don't know.

Would you feel uncomfortable in my shoes!? Am I crazy?!

OP posts:
Cloudyapples · 04/10/2019 14:43

Maybe you should have the conversation with her not your husband? Maybe you’d feel reassured knowing she isn’t as bothered about the situation?

CrystalShark · 04/10/2019 14:44

I’d feel a bit uncomfortable I think, although I’d find it more difficult if they’d had a meaningful relationship as opposed to a couple of shags, but what choice do you have but to let it go and yet move on the best you can? You’re both married into the family, neither of you are gonna stop being part of the family and attending gatherings.

I get that you keep bringing it up with your husband because it distresses you, but genuinely asking: what do you want him to do?

You have every right to your own feelings but are you planning to try work through them and accept the situation and try move on or will you keep hold of this forevermore, damaging not only your own wellbeing but your marriage? It’s kinda in your hands.

Funnyfemale · 04/10/2019 14:44

Grow up.

PotteringAlong · 04/10/2019 14:45

You need to let it go or leave your husband, because otherwise you’re spending the rest of your life doing this. And assuming you’re not leaving him, as he, his brother and his wife are fine about it, you need to let it go.

CrystalShark · 04/10/2019 14:46

How long have you been with your husband?

If it’s a significant period of time (say, more than a couple of years) it makes things a bit weirder I think that you’re still treating it as a current issue. Everyone (almost) has shagged people before meeting their spouse. Some of those people don’t just disappear for good. You have to find a way to accept that. If it was a few years ago chances are neither of them are able to mentally relive the entire weekend in technicolour detail, I know I wouldn’t be able to with the memory of someone I slept with a couple times years ago.

Itsallaswizz · 04/10/2019 14:47

Oh God I would hate this too! I accept its probably unreasonable of me to feel that way given that it happened before you even met but it would make me feel so wierd. The fact that he didn't tell you as soon as you met her would make it worse - like a secret between them. No advice sorry but plenty of sympathy. How often do you have to see her?

MyCatHatesEverybody · 04/10/2019 14:48

I'm a step parent. I see DH's kids as people in themselves, not reminders that he had sex with a different woman. Likewise I see his ex as the children's mother, I don't look at her and imagine what she and DH got up to in the bedroom when they were together.

Can you actually try labelling this woman in your head as "sister in law" rather than "DH's two night stand"? Is she someone you can talk to and/or get to know?

Slappadabass · 04/10/2019 14:48

I can see why you would be uncomfortable, Would speaking to her help? Tell her you find the situation awkward and see if you can find away to get along, she might be feeling exactly the same, sounds like she is with the awkward looks.
Your husband obviously wasn't interested in her to keep it as just sex, then set her up with his brother (which is just weird) it was just meaningless sex, what he has with you is different.

Croquembou · 04/10/2019 14:48

I know I need to let it go

You do have your own answer here really. This would be an insane thing to ruin your marriage over.

Ozziewozzie · 04/10/2019 14:49

You’re not crazy. Most would feel awkward or uncomfortable in your position.
It’s about mind over matter though. You need to process this differently.
Your dh actually after 2 nights with her decided to fix her up with his brother. If your dh thought anything special at all if their time together, this would not have happened.

She’s married his brother and I’m guessing is seemingly happy.
I wouldn’t go to much on the look in her face. Some people when feeling nervous or awkward or uncomfortable can have a slight ‘look’ on their face.
The fact that it’s out in the open is a good thing. I’d feel more sorry for the other lady as one brother passed her to another in a roundabout sort of way, whereas he clung onto you. Your dh chose not to bring her into his life, so try not to yourself.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 04/10/2019 14:51

Just think of it from your husband's brother's point of view, his younger brother has had sex with his wife.

If he can cope with it, you really should be able to.

hyperkatinka · 04/10/2019 14:53

I get why it’s a bit uncomfortable but you’ve got to let it go - it’s irrelevant history. Do you have any reason to distrust your dh?

YankeeSocks · 04/10/2019 14:55

I would not be happy ... Did they marry before you and DH, how did you not know this before? Not a deliberate act but I would find it very very hard to get past this one. Bloody hell......

pallisers · 04/10/2019 14:57

My friend is in the exact same situation - except she never thinks about it and if she does finds it a bit funny.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/10/2019 14:57

Everybody get married VERY quickly in your family. This is the kind of thing you work through while going out.

ClemDanFango · 04/10/2019 14:59

Who sets their brother up with someone they’ve shagged!? That’s fucking weird.
You just have to let it go and pretend you know nothing.

Bellringer · 04/10/2019 15:05

Get over it. They weren't suited. He chose you.
He should have told you before but it's in the past.
You don't have to be her best friend, just be civil.

jamdhanihash · 04/10/2019 15:10

Don't get the posters saying they'd be upset. This is a non-issue, really. Everyone has a past. What's really bothering you? Are you jealous?

Stop talking to your husband about this. What are you after? Him to admit feelings for her, compare the two of you, or for him to cut contact with his family to save your unreasonable discomfort? Is this deflection on your part, do you hope for him to say something out of turn? Whatever your reason, you're inviting trouble.

mnbvcxz098 · 04/10/2019 15:12

Grow up and be an adult - either get over it or leave your husband, or you will ruin everyone's lives fixating on this

Rachelover60 · 04/10/2019 15:12

Bellringer
Get over it. They weren't suited. He chose you.
He should have told you before but it's in the past.
You don't have to be her best friend, just be civil.
.........
Agree.
It's all in the past and doesn't sound as though it was a big deal in the scheme of things. You must let it go for your own sake, op, and for your relationship.

DoulaDaisy · 04/10/2019 15:13

You're being very precious. People can have sex and not have it mean anything to them other than a bit of pleasure. His brother obviously doesn't have a problem with it so why should you? What he got up to before he met you is frankly none of your concern.

Original poster
Cleopatra88 · 04/10/2019 15:14

a bit harsh lol but yes, I should definitely work on myself.

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 04/10/2019 15:14

Seriously?
So your husband had shagged people before he met you. So what?
It's not Claires issue it's yours.
Oh and stop referring to her as your husbands one night stand. She's your SIL. Grow up

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 04/10/2019 15:17

Yes and he obviously held the brief sexual experience in such high regard that he thought "I'll introduce her to my brother so I can always keep her close" 🙄
It obviously means absolutely nothing to either of them. Get over it. What a silly thing to focus on.

TatianaLarina · 04/10/2019 15:21

A bit awkward, sure. But this amount of neuroticising is way OTT.

DH and I are still friends with an ex each on both sides. I don’t ever think about it tbh.