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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband slept with sister-in-law before we met

218 replies

Cleopatra88 · 04/10/2019 14:38

Hey everyone! Need your help!

So... I met my husband (let's call him Tom) 3 months after he had this "2-night-stand" with an older woman (let's call her Claire). One month into our relationship, he ended up setting up this woman with his older brother (let's call him Peter) without my knowledge. Turns out his brother was looking for love and he thought they would make a good match. His brother knew from the beginning that Tom had slept with Claire.

I met Claire for the first time at a family gathering when she came with Peter, as a couple. At this point, I did not know that she slept with Tom (my now husband). I immediately knew something was off- the way she looked at me, the way she looked at my husband. When I asked, he confessed to having slept with her a few months before he met me.

Anyways, so long story short, Claire and Peter ended up getting engaged 6 months into dating and married a year after meeting. I feel awkward at every family gathering. I just can't help but feel this enormous breach of privacy she's seen my husband naked and did sexual things with him! I know it was all before we met but I just can't seem to get over it :(. I know it's Peter's wife now but having to see my husband's one night stand at every family gathering is getting to my head.

I've been driving my husband nuts about it this seemingly never ending conversation about my discomfort. I know I need to let it go, but it's just so awkward... Maybe I'm too conservative or sensitive I don't know.

Would you feel uncomfortable in my shoes!? Am I crazy?!

OP posts:
CardiFree · 04/10/2019 17:40

❤️

Whenthereslovethereshope · 04/10/2019 17:41

Some are being too harsh.

I can totally understand you being uncomfortable and awkward at family gatherings. Why do you have to put up with something like that. But at the same time, don't let it get you too much.
A few things you seem to know already, 1) It was before your DH met you. 2) It was a one-night stand. 3) That woman is your SIL.

I would advise you to be more confident and proud of your marriage and love that you share with your DH. SIL is now family. If SIL is bringing you some kind of hurt and sadness from her actions (which you haven't mentioned here at all and only have pointed the way she looks at your DH and then back at you) then you need to talk to her (in a civil way), clear the clouds above and shut it down.

It is hard sometimes to turn off your brain especially when it involves someone you deeply love and care about. But it is also important that you understand that it is for your own good mental and physical health that you let it go and accept it.
Leave it in the past and live/build a healthy life with your DH. If it helps, talk about it for once and all with your DH and bring it to a closure. Let your DH know that you want to know all the facts and expects full honesty and then just put it behind you guys. It happened in the past it is better it stays there. I know SIL is not in the past and that is what triggers it but this is a long term relationship/marriage, OP. Just because of it you can't let it break your marriage. Don't let it be the reason of every argument and fight between you two.

Your DH is yours now. Give yourself that security and wear it with pride. He loves you and you love him, that's all what matters.

Good Luck OP

ReanimatedSGB · 04/10/2019 17:42

Honestly, if you are either OP or any of the other posters wailing and wringing your hands about a casual shag that happened years ago, you need therapy. Your attitude is massively unhealthy and could well damage your current relationship and any future ones. Apart from when you are in a a relationship with someone when you have both agreed to be monogamous, who other people have sex with is not your business. And even if you are now in a monogamous relationship with someone, nothing they did before that agreement was reached is anything to do with you. Anyone who goes on and on about a partner's ex is a pain in the arse and quite possibly verging on abusive - jealousy is contemptible and should be either laughed at or ignored. And if a partner continues to be jealous and needy and whiny, they should be dumped as soon as possible.

Original poster
Cleopatra88 · 04/10/2019 17:43

Thank you for your very kind and respectful advice! I will implement what you have suggested. ♡ cheers

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 04/10/2019 17:45

@Funnyfemale how long did it take you to think up that ridiculous comment ?

You aren't funny and I would question your gender if I could be bothered and thought it relevant. Either way, whatever gender you really are, what a bitchy comment.

OP - I totally get why you feel as you do and I think talking to her might help. I haven't read all the thread yet so apologies if you've answered, but my question to you would be how is she with you ? Does she seem uncomfortable, not bothered or enjoying your discomfort?

ILikeyourHairyHands · 04/10/2019 17:46

Well I see university friends of DH that he had a brief fumbling with in the dim and distant past Cardi, never once have I thought 'That witch saw my husband's penis before me', he and his penis had a life before I happened upon them, it concerns me not, as long as all his forays were consensual, kind and mutual, I can't say it bothers me in any way.

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2019 17:49

Bit worrying op you cling to the one poster who agrees with you like a drowning man to a raft. If you just wanted people to tell you you were right, what was the point?

Isn't the point to see if your behaviour is right and healthy? To try to savlvage this and to be able to move forward? If so then why ignore the 99 percent of people telling you it's not right and cling to the one who agrees? What good will this do you?

MrsLoganEcholls · 04/10/2019 17:49

I wouldn't be comfortable with this either OP.

You're allowed to feel weird about it and that's OK. The trouble is that there's nothing you can do about it at this point.
I certainly wouldn't be talking to her about it, but I would probably avoid being around them too much.

MashedSpud · 04/10/2019 17:49

Weird of him to set up someone he slept with with his brother. I would find it awkward.

I suppose in these times where everyone fucks everyone it’s the new norm. 🙄

Frazzledbutcalm · 04/10/2019 17:51

OP Finally someone who understands! Thanks

if you’re happy it’s taken this long to get a reply you like ... it shows how wrong/unreasonable you are ...

Grow up ... it’s in the past!

Funnyfemale · 04/10/2019 18:03

You aren't funny and I would question your gender if I could be bothered and thought it relevant. Either way, whatever gender you really are, what a bitchy comment.

Congratulations, you have won mumsnet.

Funnyfemale · 04/10/2019 18:04

Ps - you obviously are questioning my gender, but im not really sure why!

Notreallyhappy · 04/10/2019 18:31

Your making too much of this. My ex lives with my sister..we go on holiday together...get over yourself

Original poster
Cleopatra88 · 04/10/2019 18:34

Okay. I'd like to point out a few things.
First, it's amazing how many aggressive people are on here -- everyone just needs to chill the f out. lol
Secondly, the situation isn't perfectly summed up in the few paragraphs that I wrote about the situation. My partner and I of course dont fight about this everyday lol It comes up when something awkward happens at family gatherings. Other than that, it rarely comes up.

So, why does the situation still bug me? I am of the opinion that Claire is still infatuated with my husband and only settled for his brother. At the time when my husband told her he couldnt see her anymore, she was expressing that she wanted a relationship with him. He couldn't reciprocate and then set her up with his brother -- which is super weird. My husband confessed to me that once he set them up, he was under the impression that she still had feelings for him.

Another detail, when I asked my husband if anything happened between him and claire, he denied it on 3 separate occasions (he told me he did this to avoid any awkwardness at family gathers) until he finally confessed. I understand why he wanted to spare me, but it obviously didn't help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cleopatra88 · 04/10/2019 18:36

I would also like to add that I am friends with my ex of 6 years. This is not about being friends with an ex with whom the relationship fizzled out. My husband is also still friends with his ex. This situation is different because it ended while she still wanted to be with him and then settled for his brother lol

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 04/10/2019 18:38

I've been driving my husband nuts about it -- this seemingly never ending conversation about my discomfort

It comes up when something awkward happens at family gatherings. Other than that, it rarely comes up

Which is it op?

No one likes threads where the op changes the story when opinion doesn't go the way she wants.

Now you think she's got the fanny gallops for your husband and only is with her husband as some form of consolation prize to stay close to him?

Seriously. If you really think this then it's time to cut contact.

However I suspect this lunacy will end your marriage.

Vanhi · 04/10/2019 18:41

So lots of you would be like, yeah cool - I have to see this sil from now until eternity on a regular basis knowing she and my husband fucked fir 48 hrs, shrug, I'm so modern and don't care and all that bollocks

I live in a small community. It's difficult enough to find someone to date. Finding someone to date who ticks all the right boxes and who hasn't shagged someone you know leaves you with pretty much no-one. My DP had a long term relationship with his neighbour - not a casual fling, a serious, meaningful relationship. Do I occasionally feel a twinge of jealousy? Yes. But ultimately she's a really lovely person and the three of us get on well. I also know that what happened between them is well and truly in the past.

So whilst I get that the OP might feel a bit awkward, I really think she needs to move on and get over it. If she cannot get over it and wants to maintain her marriage, she may need help. I mean that kindly but she might want to talk to someone about where these feelings are coming from. Slight awkwardness? Pretty normal. Feeling as if it's an "enormous breach of privacy"? No, not healthy at all.

YankeeSocks · 04/10/2019 18:44

@Cleopatra88 you don't have to explain yourself OP but that does help... the fact he didn't admit to you, he thought he would get away with it.

Maybe the sexual tension/ whatever it is. And the secret between them was turning them both on. How gross.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 04/10/2019 18:47

He chose you. If you carry on being jealous and nipping him about it all you'll do is undermine your relationship. Unless you have real reason not to trust him, or she's actively trying to sabotage your marriage then you need to get over this.

I couldn't care less who dh has fucked in the past. It's irrelevant to my life.

TheNinkiestNonk · 04/10/2019 18:49

I fell head of heels for a guy years ago and when he took me home to meet his parents I realised I'd slept with his brother!
Awkward Angry

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2019 18:56

the fact he didn't admit to you, he thought he would get away with it

What are you talking about? It was before they met? She's not even an ex, and the weird thing about secrets turning them on, there is no secret. The op knows!

ScabbyHorse · 04/10/2019 18:57

I get why that would be difficult.

Interestedwoman · 04/10/2019 18:57

'My husband confessed to me that once he set them up, he was under the impression that she still had feelings for him.'

I don't think your husband should've told you that. I don't think it helps in any way for him to have said that- it actually probably made it worse for you.

@Cleopatra88 I don't get why people are having a go at you really. Your feelings are your feelings- I don't think there's anything 'wrong' with them, it's just the way you feel, and it's kind of understandable that you'd feel a bit awkward/embarrassed. Some people might be completely unfazed by it, but everyone's different. Maybe it'll fade with time. Hugs xxx

YankeeSocks · 04/10/2019 18:58

@Bluntness100 OP asked him 3 times!!

pyramidbutterflyfish · 04/10/2019 19:03

To even things up, you should shag your BIL. Fair's fair 😆

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