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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband slept with sister-in-law before we met

218 replies

Cleopatra88 · 04/10/2019 14:38

Hey everyone! Need your help!

So... I met my husband (let's call him Tom) 3 months after he had this "2-night-stand" with an older woman (let's call her Claire). One month into our relationship, he ended up setting up this woman with his older brother (let's call him Peter) without my knowledge. Turns out his brother was looking for love and he thought they would make a good match. His brother knew from the beginning that Tom had slept with Claire.

I met Claire for the first time at a family gathering when she came with Peter, as a couple. At this point, I did not know that she slept with Tom (my now husband). I immediately knew something was off- the way she looked at me, the way she looked at my husband. When I asked, he confessed to having slept with her a few months before he met me.

Anyways, so long story short, Claire and Peter ended up getting engaged 6 months into dating and married a year after meeting. I feel awkward at every family gathering. I just can't help but feel this enormous breach of privacy she's seen my husband naked and did sexual things with him! I know it was all before we met but I just can't seem to get over it :(. I know it's Peter's wife now but having to see my husband's one night stand at every family gathering is getting to my head.

I've been driving my husband nuts about it this seemingly never ending conversation about my discomfort. I know I need to let it go, but it's just so awkward... Maybe I'm too conservative or sensitive I don't know.

Would you feel uncomfortable in my shoes!? Am I crazy?!

OP posts:
nopenotplaying · 04/10/2019 19:04

Well it was before you met. I think even weirder is that she's slept with both brothers! Bet she even gets weirded out by that! You should have a heart to heart with her x

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2019 19:08

@Bluntness100 OP asked him 3 times!!

Can you really not see why he didn't want to tell her? It's been years and with this level of extreme jealousy you can see why he'd deny it.

Jesus, I would. He's opened himself up to years of pain because of it.

Honeybee85 · 04/10/2019 19:12

I would feel uncomfortable too, in your position.
Unfortunately, there is not much you can do about the situation other then trying to stand above it. Try seeing it from the positive side: she got to sleep with him he married you!

1morepieceofcake · 04/10/2019 19:32

I can understand why he didn't want to admit it. He doesn't want to make you uncomfortable at family gatherings. I don't think he would have denied it for any other reason. They are both probably embarrassed. If she still wants him then you'll have to trust him and feel smug that you're the one he goes home to every night.
DH told me that SIL wanted to date him years ago but he turned her down so she got with his brother and they're now married. It doesn't bother me (probably would do though if they had slept together!) I just feel super smug that I have what she wanted 😏
Don't push him away for something that happened before he even knew you and something he can't change. Yes, he should have been honest the first time you asked but he was probably trying to avoid arguments.

Notonthestairs · 04/10/2019 19:39

I would have felt uncomfortable for the first few times of meeting her but then I would move on - and hopefully get to know her better.

How long have you been married?

What do you want to happen?

Nanamilly · 04/10/2019 19:41

I suspect he denied it because he didn't want to admit he's a complete and utter sleaze bag.

The only one who comes out of this with any grace is the OP.

YankeeSocks · 04/10/2019 19:48

@Bluntness100 yes I see what you mean

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2019 20:04

I suspect he denied it because he didn't want to admit he's a complete and utter sleaze bag

How's he a sleaze bag for having consensual sex when he's single?

NC4this123 · 04/10/2019 20:06

Can relate 🤔

First of all, it is different to just any old ex as they are actually part of the family! Nothing nice about all sitting around the table having Christmas dinner knowing she’s had a go on them both 🤮

Also it’s probably not even about jealously, more a pride thing. Like they have a little secret you don’t know about

I feel you completely it’s gross and weird. Imagine when you have kids... daddy slept with auntie 🤮🤮 just grim

Sorry if this didn’t make you feel any better but I understand

XingMing · 04/10/2019 20:11

Let. It. Go. It's pre-history. You didn;'t know either of them then. If it makes you feel better, back in the mid 1970s, I shared a flat with two close friends, who have been married since 79, children, and grandchildren and the works. But one night back then, I wandered into the only bathroom naked, he glimpsed, and we have been teasing each other about it ever since. Neither has any intention of pursuing the excitement or acting on it (even if we could at our very advanced age), but 40 years on, revisiting it gives us a laugh. You need to put it in perspective. Water under the bridge.

oabiti · 04/10/2019 20:32

When you met her, the way she looked at you and then your husband, in such a way, tells me she wanted you to know. That's fucked up!

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2019 20:41

Gosh some of these posts, why do people keep posting it is their secret, it's clearly not a secret, Confused

And I think many people have shagged someone they find they have no interest in afterwards. Not every shag leads to marriage. For goodness sake. It was years ago. She is his sister and law and at worst an ex. At best someone he had a limited fling with years ago.

ReanimatedSGB · 04/10/2019 20:42

What do you want to happen, OP? Do you expect her to apologise to you or something? Or to break up her own marriage because you are desperately insecure, possessive and controlling?

If you can't get over the fact that your H had sex with other people, and he, his brother and his brother's wife are well-balanced enough to leave the past where it belongs, your troubles are all of your own making.

Novembersbean · 04/10/2019 20:48

Maybe she just wanted some compassion for something outside of her control that she was struggling with.

Nanamilly · 04/10/2019 20:48

How's he a sleaze bag for having consensual sex when he's single?

I didn't say he was.

But I think you know that and you're just being obtuse.

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2019 20:58

Nana, you said.

"I suspect he denied it because he didn't want to admit he's a complete and utter sleaze bag"

So what part of that means you're not saying he's a sleaze bag? Confused

Nanamilly · 04/10/2019 21:15

So what part of that means you're not saying he's a sleaze bag?

You're deliberately being selective in what you read into a post for the sake of being argumentative. But just for you -

He's a sleaze bag for setting his brother up with someone he'd slept with.

The brother is also a sleaze bag as is the SIL.

It puts a whole new meaning on keeping it in the family.

The Op is the only one with any grace or decency.

And quite what you have to say in reply to this post is of no interest to me and you should save your puff for blowing your porridge.

Vanhi · 04/10/2019 21:43

He's a sleaze bag for setting his brother up with someone he'd slept with.

Why? He had a brief fling with her. It didn't turn into a relationship. He thought she might like his brother. It's only sleazy if you think there is something inherently wrong with a short-term fling. If he'd just been friends with her and set her up with his brother presumably you wouldn't think this was sleazy? Or would you? Help me out here. This is all consensual stuff between adults.

The brother is also a sleaze bag as is the SIL

Again, why? You meet someone you like but it doesn't work out with them. You're part of a social group that includes their siblings. You decide you prefer someone else in that social group and they happen to be a sibling of the first person. So what? You don't get branded for ever more as someone's property if you shag them.

Mephisto · 04/10/2019 21:49

Well in some cultures your DH would be expected to marry her if anything happened to Peter his brother, so count your blessings.

Northernsoullover · 04/10/2019 22:01

In my old social circle it dawned on me and two of my friends that we'd all shagged one of the men in the group Grin

onanothertrain · 04/10/2019 23:52

You think she settled for her husband because she couldn't have his brother? Fucking hell, I suggest you stay away from her.

AnyFucker · 04/10/2019 23:58

Crock or crank

Take your pick, folks

Hesafriendfromwork · 05/10/2019 00:11

This is an issue for you.

But your married him and now still make it an issue. Because you think she settled for your bil because she desperately wants your husband.

I think you need to really take a look at yourself. Did you marry him, just so she couldnt have him?

Hesafriendfromwork · 05/10/2019 00:13

The Op is the only one with any grace or decency.

The one that knew this from early on and still married this 'sleaze'?

happythankyoumoreplease · 05/10/2019 00:44

Yeah, agree with Bluntness, Funnygirl and everyone else not acting like a teenager over this...get over it OP, it's ancient history