Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband slept with sister-in-law before we met

218 replies

Cleopatra88 · 04/10/2019 14:38

Hey everyone! Need your help!

So... I met my husband (let's call him Tom) 3 months after he had this "2-night-stand" with an older woman (let's call her Claire). One month into our relationship, he ended up setting up this woman with his older brother (let's call him Peter) without my knowledge. Turns out his brother was looking for love and he thought they would make a good match. His brother knew from the beginning that Tom had slept with Claire.

I met Claire for the first time at a family gathering when she came with Peter, as a couple. At this point, I did not know that she slept with Tom (my now husband). I immediately knew something was off- the way she looked at me, the way she looked at my husband. When I asked, he confessed to having slept with her a few months before he met me.

Anyways, so long story short, Claire and Peter ended up getting engaged 6 months into dating and married a year after meeting. I feel awkward at every family gathering. I just can't help but feel this enormous breach of privacy she's seen my husband naked and did sexual things with him! I know it was all before we met but I just can't seem to get over it :(. I know it's Peter's wife now but having to see my husband's one night stand at every family gathering is getting to my head.

I've been driving my husband nuts about it this seemingly never ending conversation about my discomfort. I know I need to let it go, but it's just so awkward... Maybe I'm too conservative or sensitive I don't know.

Would you feel uncomfortable in my shoes!? Am I crazy?!

OP posts:
PurpleTrilby · 04/10/2019 15:52

Non-issue. I've found in all sorts of social circles that many of the people involved have shagged multiple people within the circle. You get over it, it's what happens in many communities. Sorry, but I think you need to grow up as well, it's all a bit dramatic unless people are in their teens and just working this stuff out.

NameChangeNugget · 04/10/2019 15:56

Did you give him an in-depth dossier of everyone you’d had a go on before you met?

You’re being a bit silly but, I do empathise

Longlongsummer · 04/10/2019 16:03

I think it’s natural to feel weird!

Maybe ‘get it out there’ in a jokey way now and again. Banish the elephant in the room by the odd comment! Appropriate if course.

Vanhi · 04/10/2019 16:03

I've found in all sorts of social circles that many of the people involved have shagged multiple people within the circle.

Yes. I socialise with one of my DP's exes. He may well encounter one of mine at some point. I love my DP and I'm not going to let the fact that his ex is around change that. Besides which she's really nice and pretty much provided him with a reference when we started seeing each other. Cut out a lot of my worries re "is this one going to be a waste of space too".

I don't think it's particularly odd to set someone up with a friend or sibling either. Sometimes you get that sense that whilst you don't click, the other person might. It's worth getting over the awkwardness of "but that's my ex" if you can see your sibling be happy.

higgyhog · 04/10/2019 16:06

I grew up in a rural area where friendship groups were small, and many of my friends married within them. It is not at all uncommon to meet up with friends for a drink and recall that there have been multiple cross shaggings within the group ( we are all ancient and married) You need to put this out of your mind, it is no big deal.

Itsallaswizz · 04/10/2019 16:08

Is it the fact that he didn't tell you before you got married? I can't imagine not letting my dh know that I'd slept with someone in our social circle - especially if they were about to marry into the family! It's common courtesy surely? Why hide it?

Novembersbean · 04/10/2019 16:09

People are always mean on these threads but honestly I think it's perfectly normal to feel weird, I would hate this.

What kind of idiot sets his brother up with someone he had a fling with? Obvious recipe for disaster and he should be kicking himself now it's making his wife uncomfortable.

YankeeSocks · 04/10/2019 16:10

OP perhaps this isn't the best place to share your concerns it seems.

It it bothers you, it bothers you. I bet most people on here telling you to 'get over it' would certainly not be getting over it if their DH was once balls deep in their SIL once upon a time.... !!

Its not just a ONS with anyone its a bit close to home, I get how personal this feels but it was before you OP.... Thanks

Nanamilly · 04/10/2019 16:10

Who sets their brother up with someone they’ve shagged!? That’s fucking weird

Its sick.

YankeeSocks · 04/10/2019 16:11

@Nanamilly I agree, it's very sick.... besides the ONS why would your brother want to sleep with a woman your DH has been with? I don't get that

YankeeSocks · 04/10/2019 16:11

Sorry I meant your DH's brother! Confused

lovebeingmum9 · 04/10/2019 16:14

I'm sorry but I'm obviously in the minority boat with you op....I think it's weird that your husband set his brother up with someone he's slept with...surely its a boundary that brothers shouldnt/wouldnt want to cross? And I too would find it very awkward around her knowing that her and hubby had slept together but I am the "jealous type" so wouldn't want to talk or socialise with any woman that have had sexual history with my husband! Although having said that if you love your husband and want to move on from it then you can't possibly feel as awkward as she must feel having slept with 2 brothers

diddl · 04/10/2019 16:14

I think that you're getting a hard time tbh.

He slept with someone a couple of times, but then was on good enough terms to introduce her to his brother?

And his brother was fine with this also?

I'd have thought twice about marrying into that tbh(given the chance!)

LittleAndOften · 04/10/2019 16:21

I think it's always a bit disconcerting meeting someone who has carnal knowledge of your other half. When I was at uni I had relationship with a guy who after 6 months told me he'd had regular threesomes with his two best friends (who were a couple) before we met. I found it really tough to get my head around! So yanbu, but it does get easier in time.

timshelthechoice · 04/10/2019 16:22

I once knew a woman who'd shagged three brothers. They called her Triple Crown, which she found very funny. She then shagged their dad and lost her title.

Your time for this to bother you was ages ago, you're going to have to get over the fact that he can probably close his eyes and conjure up the taste of her or that she knows what his cum face looks like now. Grin

As for 'she's forgotten by now', well, maybe, but I certainly knew my way round a man before DH came along and I remember every bit. LOL.

dottiedodah · 04/10/2019 16:24

She may feel awkward as well of course .Look at it from her point of view ,2 shags and she is introduced to his brother! Not really the romance of the century is it?! He chose you ,and his brother presumably knows and doesnt really care .Try to make small talk with her if you can ,once you get to know her as a person she will stop being seen as a 2 nighter!

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2019 16:26

Fgs, this doesn't even matter anymore! Let this go and stop badgering your husband or your marriage will be destroyed. There's only so much of this insecure bullshit any one person can put up with. Keep it up and your husband will be walking out the door.

timshelthechoice · 04/10/2019 16:30

Does her H know his brother boinked her? That's an interesting point.

Ellabella989 · 04/10/2019 16:30

My DP is still close friends with an ex he was with for a few years. They have the same group of friends so he sees her fairly regularly. I HATED it at first as I’m a very insecure person (working on it). She’s married to someone else and her relationship with my DP is purely platonic so I had to just let my annoyance about it go for everyone’s sake.
My DP also has his first kiss when he was 13 with his brother’s girlfriend. Again, I raised my eyebrows a bit when I heard about it but it was over 20 years ago and not worth worrying over. We all have a past and I’m sure your DP loves you very much

Jemma2907 · 04/10/2019 16:33

My Maid of Honour had a one night stand with my Husband and we were flatmates at the time! We met my now Husband on a night out together. I was with a long term boyfriend and she was single and brought him home. About 2 years later, I run into him in a club, I'm now single and we become friends. Over the course of a couple of years, friendship to friends with benefit to eventually admitting how we feel and now a love 8 year of marriage. I didnt think twice about asking his one night stand and my oldest friend to be my Maid of Honour. Its just such a non issue. It wasnt a relationship, there were no feelings, it only every crosses my mind these days when these type of conversations come up and I think, oh yeah... that's how we met! My friend is more embarrassed than me about it all (though theres really no need to be!). Pleae just get passed it, it's not worth your time worrying about it. It happened, its over, you weren't on the scene and noone was hurt.

ReanimatedSGB · 04/10/2019 16:36

You really need to let this go or you will wreck your marriage. And that will be your fault and no one else's. If you are obsessing over it, find yourself a therapist or counsellor, and stop whining at your H about it. Nothing he did before meeting you (in terms of who he had sex with) is any of your business. And FFS ignore the people telling you to speak to your SIL. She will either laugh in your face or tell you to piss off, and quite rightly: she doesn't have to pander to this silliness on your part and nor does anyone else.

EileenAlanna · 04/10/2019 16:36

Totally reasonable to feel awkward now. Your DH, BIL & SIL all created the situation, not you. You picked up something was off from her behaviour/looks towards both you & your DH so I'd be keeping an eye out for what's going on with her. We all know how to give out & receive micro signals & she was certainly determined to signal something to you. Exactly what is yet to be discovered. Well, apart from getting you upset, which she's succeeded at.

QueerVictoria · 04/10/2019 16:39

I must admit I would find the situation uncomfortable (exes mixed with family... not s good combination) but for your own sake you need to let go. Maybe have a chat with a therapist to explore the best way of letting go?

ReanimatedSGB · 04/10/2019 16:40

Lots of people 'pass on' ex partners. If you've had a few dates/shags with someone who you think is a perfectly nice person but, for whatever reason, you're not going to embark on a long term relationship with, why not keep them in your social circle? If you're the sort of sexually-dysfunctional neurotic who thinks that no one should have sex until they marry, and that having more than one sexual partner in your whole lifetime makes you 'tainted' then make sure you only mix with people as messed up as you are.
Much healthier to have a few amicable flings here and there while deciding whether or not longterm monogamy is something you even want to enter into.

onanothertrain · 04/10/2019 16:40

EileenAlanna what situation? Two folk hooked up a few years ago. You sound as paranoid as the OP