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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband slept with sister-in-law before we met

218 replies

Cleopatra88 · 04/10/2019 14:38

Hey everyone! Need your help!

So... I met my husband (let's call him Tom) 3 months after he had this "2-night-stand" with an older woman (let's call her Claire). One month into our relationship, he ended up setting up this woman with his older brother (let's call him Peter) without my knowledge. Turns out his brother was looking for love and he thought they would make a good match. His brother knew from the beginning that Tom had slept with Claire.

I met Claire for the first time at a family gathering when she came with Peter, as a couple. At this point, I did not know that she slept with Tom (my now husband). I immediately knew something was off- the way she looked at me, the way she looked at my husband. When I asked, he confessed to having slept with her a few months before he met me.

Anyways, so long story short, Claire and Peter ended up getting engaged 6 months into dating and married a year after meeting. I feel awkward at every family gathering. I just can't help but feel this enormous breach of privacy she's seen my husband naked and did sexual things with him! I know it was all before we met but I just can't seem to get over it :(. I know it's Peter's wife now but having to see my husband's one night stand at every family gathering is getting to my head.

I've been driving my husband nuts about it this seemingly never ending conversation about my discomfort. I know I need to let it go, but it's just so awkward... Maybe I'm too conservative or sensitive I don't know.

Would you feel uncomfortable in my shoes!? Am I crazy?!

OP posts:
SoyDora · 04/10/2019 16:40

I can see that it feels a bit weird, but it happened and nothing can change that so what are the options? Get over it or divorce him so you don’t have to see her again 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 04/10/2019 16:41

Can you actually try labelling this woman in your head as "sister in law" rather than "DH's two night stand"? Is she someone you can talk to and/or get to know?

This. The two-night stand involved 2 people and you are being really rude about one of them.

AuditAngel · 04/10/2019 16:47

DH’s ex girl friend is married to his cousin. Another of DH’s exes is in our social group.

It doesn’t bother me at all. He wasn’t with either of them when we met. He had already moved on.

Mind you, when the three of us go out together it does blow some people’s minds!

Notodontidae · 04/10/2019 16:47

Well Cleo, your feelings are very understandable, you seem like the sensitive and caring sort of person that is very rare today. Couples never used to have sex until they were married, so those feelings would not have been so intense; No more than knowing your partner kissed behind the bicycle shed at school. He obviously preferred you, and it is probably slight embarrasment that you picked up on. But the posts on here are right, and that is all history now. Move on.

Simkin · 04/10/2019 16:47

Yeah make friends with the SIL so she becomes SIL not one night stand woman. Might be nice anyway?

timshelthechoice · 04/10/2019 16:47

I agree with SGB. I mean, if this was going to be issue for you I have no idea why you didn't just dump him when you first found out a long time ago?

sue51 · 04/10/2019 16:49

Its in the past. She's in your life for all the foreseeable future, put this behind you or get out now.

Queenoftheashes · 04/10/2019 16:50

Who cares? I’m sure lots of people have seen his thing. Even all his family members.

Novembersbean · 04/10/2019 16:50

ReanimatedSGB

I do get what you're saying about him not having done anything WRONG, but lots of people don't feel especially comfortable around their partner's former lovers and whilst I wouldn't be angry at my partner for having had sexual encounters before meeting me (obviously), I would be annoyed at him putting me in a position where I had no choice but to interact with them. By "passing her on" to his brother rather than say a friend who she wouldn't have to spend time with, he's created a situation where his future partner could never be around his family without having to be confronted with this, when there was a pretty high chance it would make her very uncomfortable as it does a lot of people. Not to mention the weird interfamily relations - children and neices/nephews etc. A lot of potential weirdness. I do think it's pretty short sighted and strange to seek out a situation where your brother is married to someone you used to sleep with. That's not to say if they happened to meet and fall in love they shouldn't be together, but it is strange to deliberately orchestrate that situation.

TheBrilloPad · 04/10/2019 16:52

I'd slept with my BIL before I got married to (now ex)DH too. I know SIL hated it because she went on a drunken rant once, but I never really thought anything of it. It was just sex a couple of times, we're all adults, no big deal.

ShadowOnTheSun · 04/10/2019 16:54

It must be much weirder for the brother. To know that your brother slept with your (now) wife before you. That would really bug me, but it doesn't seem to bother him, so you need to let this go, OP.

I know of similar situation, but worse than this. A woman split up with a man and then started a relationship with his son (all adults, of course) and they married afterwards. Now THAT is seriously weird.

CampingItUp · 04/10/2019 16:55

You are being, frankly, ridiculous, and if my DH carped on about a long ended extremely brief fling the way you are doing I would be really irritated.

So: would you rather not have married your DH than be in the current situation?
Would you have finished with him when Claire and BIL got together?
Should every women whoever had a relationship or fling with your DH spontaneously combust? Or is there a total exclusion zone within which she must not step that would make you happy?

diddl · 04/10/2019 16:55

" if this was going to be issue for you I have no idea why you didn't just dump him when you first found out a long time ago?"

I didn't think that Op found out until after she had married her husband?

onanothertrain · 04/10/2019 16:59

November by passing her onto his brother??? WTF that's a disgusting way to talk about the woman

Novembersbean · 04/10/2019 17:01

onanothertrain I was quoting what somebody else said, it wasn't my turn of phrase, that's why I used inverted commas.

BilboBercow · 04/10/2019 17:01

OP it sounds like you've built this woman, who is now a family member into someone unpleasant in your head.

It's not relevant that she's older. It actually sounds like you think she settled for your BIL because your DH wasn't interested.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 04/10/2019 17:02

I've never had sex with a pair of brothers, I now feel as though one of life's many rich experiences has passed me by.

More power to your elbow to those that have though.

MaggieMcSplash · 04/10/2019 17:04

It's a little weird but if it happened before you met I'd be fine. Maybe chat to someone to help you deal with this. You have to deal with it because it's affecting your marriage and sounds like wider family. Not the same but I'm pretty good friends with someone my husband shagged before we met. Doesn't bother me. She's married with her own kids.

onanothertrain · 04/10/2019 17:05

My apologies november

Bourbonbiccy · 04/10/2019 17:13

Oh and stop referring to her as your husbands one night stand. She's your SIL. Grow up

I'm afraid I agree with this OP. Everyone has a past and you just need to get over it.

Imjusthere · 04/10/2019 17:16

To answer your questions, yes you are crazy and no i wouldn't have found it weird

CampingItUp · 04/10/2019 17:27

"When I asked, he confessed to having slept with her a few months before he met me"

He didn't 'confess', he told you the factual truth.

"I just can't help but feel this enormous breach of privacy -- she's seen my husband naked and did sexual things with him!

" Maybe I'm too conservative or sensitive "

Or insecure, or jealous? Being 'sensitive' implies that someone has done something wrong to upset your sensitivity. No one here has done anything wrong. You have created an issue out of something which only needed to be an 'oh, that's a bit weird'.

It is not a breach of your privacy - you don't own him, he is not your possession to keep covered from view or kept in purdah, especially retrospectively from before you met him.

CardiFree · 04/10/2019 17:31

So lots of you would be like, yeah cool - I have to see this sil from now until eternity on a regular basis knowing she and my husband fucked fir 48 hrs, shrug, I'm so modern and don't care and all that bollocks

OP it would bother me totally. Talk about keeping it in the family.

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2019 17:35

Cardifree,,,It would still bother you years later? Would you be like that with any of your partners exes? You couldn't get past it? For literally years? Because that's what we are talking here. To the extent she can't stop mentioning to her husband?

Because that's not normal or healthy.

Being Weirded out at the beginning, sure, but not years later to the extent you're driving your husband nuts about it,

Original poster
Cleopatra88 · 04/10/2019 17:36

Finally someone who understands! Thanks ♡

OP posts:
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