Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

Husband slept with sister-in-law before we met

218 replies

Cleopatra88 · 04/10/2019 14:38

Hey everyone! Need your help!

So... I met my husband (let's call him Tom) 3 months after he had this "2-night-stand" with an older woman (let's call her Claire). One month into our relationship, he ended up setting up this woman with his older brother (let's call him Peter) without my knowledge. Turns out his brother was looking for love and he thought they would make a good match. His brother knew from the beginning that Tom had slept with Claire.

I met Claire for the first time at a family gathering when she came with Peter, as a couple. At this point, I did not know that she slept with Tom (my now husband). I immediately knew something was off- the way she looked at me, the way she looked at my husband. When I asked, he confessed to having slept with her a few months before he met me.

Anyways, so long story short, Claire and Peter ended up getting engaged 6 months into dating and married a year after meeting. I feel awkward at every family gathering. I just can't help but feel this enormous breach of privacy she's seen my husband naked and did sexual things with him! I know it was all before we met but I just can't seem to get over it :(. I know it's Peter's wife now but having to see my husband's one night stand at every family gathering is getting to my head.

I've been driving my husband nuts about it this seemingly never ending conversation about my discomfort. I know I need to let it go, but it's just so awkward... Maybe I'm too conservative or sensitive I don't know.

Would you feel uncomfortable in my shoes!? Am I crazy?!

OP posts:

happythankyoumoreplease · 05/10/2019 00:46

And he's not a sleazebag at all, sounds like he has a pretty healthy attitude to sex tbh

ReggaetonLente · 05/10/2019 00:52

I would fucking hate this.

vavavoomdeboom · 05/10/2019 01:10

If it bothers you that much, leave him. Let him find someone else and move on.

A ridiculous thing to do but he deserves better.

dodgeballchamp · 05/10/2019 01:12

Agree with bluntness and everyone else saying it’s a non-issue. I’ve been around the exes and ex-shags of partners in wider friendship groups many times, didn’t give it a second thought. I’ve also shagged a pair of brothers (not at the same time). Get over it

PhilCornwall1 · 05/10/2019 06:04

I find it odd the you use the word "confess" like he has done something wrong for having sex with someone else, before he met you.

Keep going the way you are and I can see your husband ending the marriage and for what? doing nothing wrong.

NC4this123 · 05/10/2019 07:05

I think people’s opinions on this depend how you view sex. If you simply view it as just a shag nothing more then I can see why you think it’s fine.

If you view sex as something intimate and personal, you wouldn’t like it. So no one needs to ‘grow up’ people have different views, morals and standards

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 05/10/2019 07:07

We socialise regularly with a number of my other Half's exes. One of them has a big birthday next year and is renting a villa on an island - we have all been invited - I can't bloody wait and am totally unconcerned about the ex - we get on well.

And so what if your SIL has seen your husband naked? Plenty of people see other people naked - when I was in my teens and a gang of us went skinny-dipping I saw my friends' boyfriends naked and they saw my bf naked.

I was also part of a close circle of friends in my 20s - there were at least two relationship changes where a relationship would end and either one of the couple would end up going out with another member of the group. Two of my best friends in the group both dated the same guy at different times - he was also a good friend of mine but they all still socialised together.

Final word - what exactly do you want your husband to do about it now? What's the point of badgering him? He can't erase his past. Leave the poor guy alone and grow some backbone.

DocFartin · 05/10/2019 07:10

My step Children’s mum is ace, I see her at lots of family events. She's done all the sex with my DH, not one kit is given by either of us, she's great.

diddl · 05/10/2019 08:30

Well I think that it's odd that he didn't tell Op that he had had sex with his brother's gfriend & then introduced them.

That's something I would have wanted to steer clear of.

I think though if you knew before you married him then you need to leave it.

"She's done all the sex with my DH," -well she's the mother of his kids so that's pretty self evident

Hesafriendfromwork · 05/10/2019 08:32

I think people’s opinions on this depend how you view sex. If you simply view it as just a shag nothing more then I can see why you think it’s fine.

I find sex very intimate. But I think if if bothered OP she should have married him. If something happens early on in a relationship, you cant spend your life throwing that at someone.

CampingItUp · 05/10/2019 09:01

I think people’s opinions on this depend how you view sex. If you simply view it as just a shag nothing more then I can see why you think it’s fine

But it is obvious that the former relationship with the SIL was a short lived shag. Fine if the Op has never wanted casual sex, and the relationship she now has with her DH is built in intimacy. But she can’t rule for the type of relationships her DH had before he met her.

Also: I would say many, if not most, people understand that sex happens in different circumstances , intimate loving sex in LTRs, and also sex in less committed circumstances. It seems suspiciously judgmental to think that some people always ‘simply view it as just a shag’ for all sex.

But it is obvious that for the OPs DH that WAS simply a shag. How does the OP get to project her view if sec on to it?

However...... the fact that he lied about it is quite a drip feed. That would bother me. To lie in a situation where the other 3 people knew, the DH, BIL and SIL is pretty shoddy.

Bluntness100 · 05/10/2019 09:07

If you simply view it as just a shag nothing more then I can see why you think it’s fine. If you view sex as something intimate and personal, you wouldn’t like it

This is incorrect. I view sex as intimate and personal, but I do not sit and stew over my husband's previous partners. And yes I have socialised with one of them heavily.

As do many people, divorce is high, people have kids and maintain relationships. To be sitting stewing and obsessing over someone your Partner shagged years ago is not normal or healthy. No matter how many people try to pretend it is.

Fine, as said, when you first meet or find out, but not years later.

And I strongly suspect the ops view that this woman is so desperate for her husband that she married his brother just to stay close, that her husband doesn't remotely agree with her.

This is jealousy, pure and simple. The op is jealous.

jamdhanihash · 05/10/2019 09:56

OP what will you do?

Vanhi · 05/10/2019 12:15

I think people’s opinions on this depend how you view sex. If you simply view it as just a shag nothing more then I can see why you think it’s fine.

If you view sex as something intimate and personal, you wouldn’t like it. So no one needs to ‘grow up’ people have different views, morals and standards

Sex with my current DP is about love and intimacy. In the past I've had fuck buddies who basically scratched an itch. I don't view sex as either/ or. Previous more casual encounters have I think strengthened what I have with my DP as I'm aware of the contrast and know how to do stuff.

I think the problem arises if for one of you sex is only ever intimate and personal and you expect the same from your partner with regard to their previous partners. If you can accept that between the two of you it's about love rather than just sex whatever they've been up to in the past, it's fine. If you want them always to have been more on the side of loving and intimate you really need a very open and honest conversation on both sides

And yes, the OP seems to feel insecure about this woman. That's something she needs to address - the insecurity, not something that is in the past, at least for her DH.

JustWonderful · 05/10/2019 12:22

Were you all fucking each other?

Are you being purposefully obtuse?

JustWonderful · 05/10/2019 12:25

To be sitting stewing and obsessing over someone your Partner shagged years ago is not normal or healthy.

This isn't that - this is having to deal with them at every family gathering, in your life on a close and regular basis. So many posters so utterly missing the point.

JustWonderful · 05/10/2019 12:30

I actually find it weird that your DH fixed his brother up with a woman he's shagged twice, I find it weird that his brother knowingly shagged her too and ended up with her so there's that ..

Then there's the fact that he didn't give you the chance to see whether you wanted to be involved in the weird little setup by omitting tonmentiok to you that he's fked his brother's partner before he set them up, so you've had to find out now, after you're committed. It's an odd and uncomfortable situation and he walked you right into it without having the chance to know and decline to get further involved with him. Unlike many posters I totally understand why you're uncomfortable and I don't think what he's done is right.

JustWonderful · 05/10/2019 12:39

And I understand why you're uncomfortable knowing that it (apparently) wasn't even his your sil's choice to not continue shagging your DH or get into a relationship with him, but his. That's also raises the point that I find it weird that she went along with going out with a bloke she'd shagged twice's brother and then got involved. It's like he played pass with parcel with her and she went along with it; she sounds passive/desperate/lacking in discrimination, as do they.

I think if I fucked a guy and he declined to continue shagging me and didn't want to get into a relationship with me - and he then suggested me dating his brother I'd think several things, none of them v positive ("am I a spliff you're passing on?", "I'd her brother some kind of consolation prize", "don't you feel any ickiness at your brother putting his dick where you're was and why not?", "what on earth will your family think of me, if i start dating your brother having shagged you?" Etc etc) ...

i'd want to stay clear of that weird situation, and just meet an guy not related to him. I mean there are only a few million of them out there to meet FFS.

Wonkydonkey44 · 05/10/2019 12:45

I’m not going to lie I think it’s weird , and the thought of all those family do’s that your going to have to go to together .... not sure I could do it

JustWonderful · 05/10/2019 12:45

Unlike many 'cool' posters I don't think the situation reflects well on your DH, your bil or your sil and I can understand why you're a bit weirded out.

There are lots of people who, for lots of reasons, would stay clear of such a situation; but they all chose to proceed. And you haven't been given the choice because he didn't tell you tell you until after you committed.

Yes time had passed and supposedly that makes it irrelevant but it's not, it's still icky and a bit weird.

JustWonderful · 05/10/2019 12:56

A ridiculous thing to do but he deserves better.

Actually I think she deserves better than a guy who palms his one night stand off into his brother and thinks it's normal to be sitting at family gatherings with a woman who could provide a comparison study of you and your brothers' cocks. It's just weird, I mean ffs, how many other women are there in the UK for his brother to meet and marry. What his brother's thinking was/is boggles my mind too.

JustWonderful · 05/10/2019 12:58

*palms his one night stand off onto his brother

WhoWants2Know · 05/10/2019 13:03

I think I'd be inclined to feel that it's all a bit too incestuous, and move on to a different relationship. Ick.

JustWonderful · 05/10/2019 13:14

Poor op's married to this guy.

Also, my mistake she was his two night stand, not one.

Can you imagine the convo with his brother setting them up "Here you are mate, I've test-driven her for you".

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/10/2019 13:17

I don't think the situation reflects well on your DH, your bil

Why, what did they do wrong? OP's DP was right, the woman and brother got on so well they married. You are weirdly objectifying the SiL Justwonderful.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Swipe left for the next trending thread