Will it get easier? Attracted to friend

[DarkHorseRider]

It’s midnight and I’m in bed, having a cry because I miss my friend who has no idea that I have huge feelings for him. He’s attached so I can never tell him how I feel but it hurts. I just wish things could have been different.

I have a full and busy life, lovely friends and family. I have the best job. The only person that I want to confide in is the same person who this is all about so I can’t.

I think about going no contact every day but I don’t want to lose this special person from my life. Also, when I go LC he just gets in touch and, because I have never told him how I feel about him, there’s no reasonable explanation for not replying.

Do I just keep him as a friend who I’m really attracted to but can never be with?

I have name changed but I’m a regular: pombears, maui, penis beaker, etc. Although I don’t actually know the last story...ambles over to classics.

Well, how new is the attraction? Did it predate his relationship/ marriage, or is it recent? And is the relationship longterm and committed?

Well, how new is the attraction?
About 18 months

Did it predate his relationship/ marriage, or is it recent?
No, more recent.

And is the relationship longterm and committed?
Yes. He’s a very good person. Even if he didn’t love her and loved me he would never leave because he’s so dutiful.

If he had similar deep feelings as you do, perhaps he would have made it his business to be with you in the first place?
You can either carry on friendship but this could make you unhappy, or cut contact but then he could be a bit miffed by this probably! Catch 22 comes to mind. If I were you I’d take longer to reply to him and send the bare minimum without being rude.
Dating available men might be an idea too when you feel up to it, rather than fixating on someone who is attached. I wonder if he is fixated on you, I’m guessing probably not as he’s likely quite happy with his lot unless you know to the contrary. X

If you open up to him, he may like you back or will feel uncomfortable around you. It's best to keep him as a friend (maybe a bit of flirting) and find someone else to replace him from your mind.

I've no idea how/if this will work out but you have my sympathies. It must be a really difficult situation to be in.

Is he now married? If so, walk away. If he is not married, just tell him how you feel and he might feel the same way and end the relationship. But if he doesn't, just say you need to cut contact to get over him etc and then move on.

@DarkHorseRider I've been going through similar, but do have suspicions my male friend has feelings for me although he hasn't explicitly said so. It is the undertone of messages and something another friend has picked up on.

Like yours, he is attached and I don't think he would leave his wife at all. Plus, I was cheated on by my ex last year - ironically this male friend has been a great support through it - so I'd never want to be the OW myself. I've tried LC, but he instigates the messaging. We don't live near to each other, but do a shared hobby which means meet ups a few times a year.

I don't want to block him from my life as I would be sad not to have him as a friend and it would be difficult as we have many mutual friends within our hobby. I just see it as one of those 'right person, wrong life' situations. It is sad, but you have to accept that it will never be. As one of the PP suggested, I don't jump to reply to his messages now and actively take my time to respond. It is very hard, but necessary.

I too have a full life, hobbies, work and friends but really not putting myself 'out there' dating wise as I was so hurt with what happened with my ex. I do think the attraction to my friend is wrapped up in feelings of the fact he is essentially the antithesis of my ex.

I know I will meet someone else at some point and just hope it will be someone like my male friend.

There really is nothing much else you can do about the situation as the answer lies in your post...keep him as a friend and accept it will never be.

@StarlightIntheNight I don't think that's right at all, whether he is married or not..he's still in a relationship. The OP should not confide their feelings either way IMO.

It's very easy to idealise someone when you're not in a relationship with them and get their best side.

That aside; either tell him how you feel and walk away if he doesn't reciprocate it just cut contact; this isn't doing you any good. You need to move on and free up your feelings to meet someone else.

You say you go LC but he messages - as has someone else .. yes,bit the whole point is you go LC - don't get into texting back and forward and take a while to reply when you do .. they'll soon adjust to the pattern and realise you won't reply quickly and won't indulge in long, repeated messaging. All in all though, it's better and simpler to just walk away.

Also you're completely idealising (and making yourself feel better) by saying the guys too dutiful to leave his partner,veven if he preferred you.

Bollocks.

Very few people are that dutiful.

If he had the choice stayed with her, it's because it's overall what he wanted to do. People fool themselves thinking the above "oh he'd be with me, but he's just too good, too nice ..". Hmm

*if he had the choice and stayed with her

How "attached" is he - I mean, obviously it's a long-term relationship, but are they married, are kids involved, do they live together? How do you know he wouldn't leave his current relationship to be with you if he realised that it was an option? Relationships can and do end all the time when people meet someone else that they want to be with. Maybe he is interested but he just doesn't know that you have these feelings so he hasn't made any sort of move because he's afraid of losing you as a friend. Or maybe he isn't, and would already have said something by now if he'd wanted to take it further. Only you can know if his manner to you is anything other than friendly. Does he flirt? Is he like that with everyone or just you?

I'm not advocating anyone deliberately setting out to be a homewrecker. I think that if he's married and/or has kids, your best option is to go LC as others have suggested and concentrate on finding someone else who is already single and available. When he contacts you, don't reply immediately, and don't be too available to him as a friend. You don't have to give an explanation for why you're stepping back, you can let it happen naturally and if he does ask, just say you've been busy with work or family or whatever. It sounds like you have plenty going on in your life, so do you really need a friendship that makes you miserable because it's not anything more?

I agree with the poster above.

To the posters advocating LC or not replying to messages straight away etc. can you explain what the intention is this with this?

Is it so the other person gets the message not to contact you as much which in turn helps get over your feelings?

@CloudyWithAChance2

Yes, so you can reduce contact to minimal or none. Having regular contact with someone you need to lose feelings for is counter productive.

Actually it would be better to cut contact but since they haven't done anything "wrong" and you may find that hard,boys best to keep it very LC while doing your best to meet other potential partners.

Sorry to sound so harsh op and others but let's face it; pining after someone else's partner is not a good look. Best to gtfo of the situation. You can let them know your feelings before you do but bear in mind it's unlikely to work out for you.

You probably value things about then as a friend and if you go LC and don't cut them off or force an uncomfortable situation on them, you can in future continue the friendship, hopefully when you're happy with a partner of your own.

Thanks everyone. He’s married with a child so I could never tell him how I feel about him. I just have to keep it locked away.

I have tried not to idealise him but the situation is that he has become my best friend who I also really really fancy. So that combination is what’s driving my feelings for him. I talk to him about anything and everything, with an ease that I have never known before with another human being. And without going into too much detail, I didn’t know that someone could be so physically attracted to someone else. But he’s with someone else. Someone who he’s committed to.

I don’t think I want to do NC or even LC. He really is my sunshine. I guess I just have to make my peace with only ever being just good friends.

For what it’s worth, I think he was attracted to me too. We worked together and the first weekend that we were thrown together on a project was fairly intense. It was like we were completely enraptured by each other. We had so much in common. Perhaps it was that vain thing of falling for your own reflection. So he gave me a lot of signals that he was interested in me but never vocalised it.

We speak often on the phone and meet up from time to time. It just hurts that I can’t touch him or support him in the way that I would like to.

I don't know the guy, but the whole scenario sounds almost guaranteed to end in tears - yours and probably his wife's too. If he's committed to her and has no intention of being otherwise, why is he giving off signals to you and keeping up this level of intense contact? I have to be honest, if I was married to a man who was "enraptured" with another woman, who thought of him as her sunshine, I would see it as an emotional affair.

You have to think about your own life here. How many more nights do you think you'll be crying on your own because you can't be with him? Will you even notice if another man expresses an interest in you? You make it sound like this man is the most important thing in your life, but you're obviously not the most important thing in his. Are you going to settle for that?

Feel Sorry for the wife.

Does his wife know about your friendship? Have you ever met her?

OP - you're going to make yourself miserable and lose a good friendship going NC or low contact. Trust me. Tell this person, explain you're not expecting them to act on it but that you're being honest, and that's why you're reducing contact. If they have feelings for you then that's for them to decide what they do with that information, if they don't they're not left wondering why you're suddenly distant.

Take a biiiiig step back from this guy, OP.

FWIW, I highly doubt he's that dutiful. Dutiful men don't spend a weekend "enraptured" in the company of colleagues, then pursue them with sustained communications - rather than avoiding like the plague and re-focusing intently on their own marriage. Shits do that. Grenades do that.

The fact is, he does have a wife and child, two human beings who depend on him. Look into the 8 ball, OP, see the mangled carwreck of destroyed lives, the wretched, heartbroken wife, the distressed and traumatised child. I'm sure that's not what you want for yourself or what you want to do to other people.

Step away from the grenade.

To be fair on the guy, he may not have ever felt the way op thinks he does/did. He may just see her as a really good friend. Could like her more than he should, but we are only getting ops side. It's easy to think someone likes you if you like them, and actually they don't like you.

OP, you need to go nc with this guy. Not lc, go full nc. Start seeing other guys when you are ready, but you need to get over this one. It will ruin your life if you don't. You'll be hung up on him forever.

If he's committed to her and has no intention of being otherwise, why is he giving off signals to you and keeping up this level of intense contact?
I don’t know. I think he really enjoys my company and wants to keep in touch.

I would see it as an emotional affair.
I wouldn’t disagree with you. I think in the earlier days it probably was but it has evolved into a genuine friendship. Except I have feelings.