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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will it get easier? Attracted to friend

504 replies

DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 00:23

It’s midnight and I’m in bed, having a cry because I miss my friend who has no idea that I have huge feelings for him. He’s attached so I can never tell him how I feel but it hurts. I just wish things could have been different.

I have a full and busy life, lovely friends and family. I have the best job. The only person that I want to confide in is the same person who this is all about so I can’t.

I think about going no contact every day but I don’t want to lose this special person from my life. Also, when I go LC he just gets in touch and, because I have never told him how I feel about him, there’s no reasonable explanation for not replying.

Do I just keep him as a friend who I’m really attracted to but can never be with?

I have name changed but I’m a regular: pombears, maui, penis beaker, etc. Although I don’t actually know the last story...ambles over to classics.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 22:42

This guy isn't worth a fleeting thought, let alone crying in bed at 12 at night. Come on op!!!
Thank you. That made me smile.

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GilbertMarkham · 24/09/2019 22:44

he is nice

Nah, he's not actually.

He's leading on another woman while married with a child, strongly implying he doesn't live his wife and is only there because of the kid/his reputation/doing the right thing (what a novel story, haven't heard that one before), angling for declarations of lust/love from another woman ... And you know he's got history of doing this.

He's not nice.

GilbertMarkham · 24/09/2019 22:47

Glad I cheered you up op; what I'd love to see is you to cheer up fully by coming out of the crush "fog", seeing this guy for what he is (would you entirely trust him even if he were to end his marriage and get involved with you? Can't say I would - he sounds like a charmer, like he likes female admiration a bit too much .. and how you do know you wouldn't be the partner he doesn't really love but is with for duty/decency next?!)

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 22:48

I think he was conflicted (at least in the beginning). I think he was attracted to me but wanted to push it away and be the good person that he knows himself to be. I suppose it depends on how much you think we can control our feelings. My view is that we probably can’t control our feelings but we can decide not to act on them and that’s where he is. But, he likes me enough not to want to remove me from his life. I think he likes the way I make him feel and probably gets a little thrill from that.

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Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 22:50

I don’t suppose I could trust him.

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GilbertMarkham · 24/09/2019 22:52

I think he was attracted to me but wanted to push it away and be the good person that he knows himself to be

A good person wouldn't be acting like this with other women full stop.

Note - women. You said he's fine something similar before .. which doesn't surprise me in the least.

GilbertMarkham · 24/09/2019 22:53

*done

PicsInRed · 24/09/2019 22:55

I just haven’t felt this way about someone before

Google "love bombing". I think it's highly likely that he has projected a mirror of yourself/your values back at you - so you've fallen hard - for yourself. That's why he feels so "perfect". He's a mirage, conjured. He doesn't exist. He's been grooming you for an affair. He's fucked with your head so badly you cry evenings with loneliness and concern for his emotional welfare.

Know what he's doing? Eating the dinner his wife cooked, talking about his day to her and having sex with her.

And he's a very bad man.

Ginger1982 · 24/09/2019 22:55

"I think he was conflicted (at least in the beginning). I think he was attracted to me but wanted to push it away and be the good person that he knows himself to be. I suppose it depends on how much you think we can control our feelings. My view is that we probably can’t control our feelings but we can decide not to act on them and that’s where he is. But, he likes me enough not to want to remove me from his life. I think he likes the way I make him feel and probably gets a little thrill from that."

Sorry but this sounds like something out of a novel. You're basically trying to convince yourself that he has uncontrollable feelings for you and that he's fighting so hard against what his heart desires to be a good man...

You are wasting your life here. Honestly. Come on. Your life is worth more than crying over this bloke.

PicsInRed · 24/09/2019 22:57

I don’t suppose I could trust him.

His own wife and child certainly shouldn't.

GilbertMarkham · 24/09/2019 22:59

Just to add that "I don't really love my wife but I'm with her for the kid/s and so as not to break her heart etc. because I'm such a good guy, with such integrity" (while a good guy with integrity wouldn't be saying that to other women, whom they coincidentally are a bit too close to, or they would end the relationship and be the best father they could possibly be separated/divorced) .... is one of the oldest lines in the book. Women have been getting played with that line every day of the week, all over the world for millennia. Neanderthal man was using that line; seriously detach and go and find a partner that suits you, not an almost cheating flirt who acts totally inappropriately to his wife. Bet if you got to know him properly you'd find out he was a dick too.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 23:01

You said he's done something similar before..which doesn't surprise me in the least.
He’s had women texting him at all hours and sending him love notes apparently. I think it has happened a couple of times. I presumed that he was exaggerating to an extent. I don’t think he ever had friendships with these women. They were just women he knew at work.

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Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 23:02

Neanderthal man was using that line 🤣😂😆

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Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 23:04

But what’s the purpose of that line if they don’t actually try to have an affair with the other person?

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Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 23:05

I don’t think he trusts me or possibly himself. Every time we meet he ensures we’re never left alone together. These meetings are at his instigation.

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Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 23:07

I think the lovebombing comment could very likely be true. But why do it?

He's been grooming you for an affair.
Only he hasn’t because he would never do that and he hates cheating with a passion.

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GilbertMarkham · 24/09/2019 23:10

Bit what’s the purpose of that line if they don’t actually try to have an affair with the other person?

You don't actually know for sure he wouldn't, but for the sake of discussion, let's say he wouldn't ... I suppose for some of the things you've already mentioned; attention, ego, validation, whatever he gets out if it. You've said he has kind of pushed you for a declaration of your feelings for him.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 23:12

I think he’s actually a fairly insecure person. Maybe he does want an affair but is scared of rejection!

I don’t really think this is the case.

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GilbertMarkham · 24/09/2019 23:14

He’s had women texting him at all hours and sending him love notes apparently. I think it has happened a couple of times. I presumed that he was exaggerating to an extent. I don’t think he ever had friendships with these women. They were just women he knew at work.

Do you know many people who text someone at all hours and send them love notes with absolutely zero background/engagement/encouragemen - you don't think there's a sliver of a possibility that he's acted the way he's acted with you to someone before?

Hmm.

GilbertMarkham · 24/09/2019 23:18

Bit what’s the purpose of that line if they don’t actually try to have an affair with the other person?

Forgot to say - the purpose of the line is also to allow him to flirt, connect emotionally (and inappropriately) with other women etc while maintaining his self image as a good man, which is important to him.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 23:19

I know two of the stories. I will need to change a few details to make it less recognisable.

One was a woman who sent him a saucy thank you card after he had done her a favour at work.

The other was a woman who asked him out when he was already attached and she didn’t know. I think she had a huge crush on him and had low level one sided contact with him for a couple of years. Drunk dialling etc. I presume he led her on somewhat in the first place.

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GilbertMarkham · 24/09/2019 23:20

So you're the third (at least) woman he's engaged with inappropriately like this

  • his poor fkg wife.

(and while she's presumably been pregnant/had his child).

GilbertMarkham · 24/09/2019 23:22

I presume he led her on somewhat in the first place.

I'd tend to presume so too.

And as for the saucy thank you card for the favour, maybe she's exceptionally forward or maybe he flirted/"connected" with her too so she thought she'd escalate.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 23:22

The other two were years ago before he had his child. But yes.

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GilbertMarkham · 24/09/2019 23:23

one sided contact with him for a couple of years.

It's fairly unusual for someone to persist in totally one sided contact for that long.