Will it get easier? Attracted to friend

[DarkHorseRider]

It’s midnight and I’m in bed, having a cry because I miss my friend who has no idea that I have huge feelings for him. He’s attached so I can never tell him how I feel but it hurts. I just wish things could have been different.

I have a full and busy life, lovely friends and family. I have the best job. The only person that I want to confide in is the same person who this is all about so I can’t.

I think about going no contact every day but I don’t want to lose this special person from my life. Also, when I go LC he just gets in touch and, because I have never told him how I feel about him, there’s no reasonable explanation for not replying.

Do I just keep him as a friend who I’m really attracted to but can never be with?

I have name changed but I’m a regular: pombears, maui, penis beaker, etc. Although I don’t actually know the last story...ambles over to classics.

Seriously from your comments it seems that, deep down, you believe the only solution to this “scenario” is that he leaves his wife and picks you. You WANT to be the OW and it’s screams to me you’re desperate.
Just leave it...even if he’s a charmer, player, listener or flirt, he’s still bloody married. Stop being so self absorbed. Find another man...there are plenty out there.

Deep down I want to be with him but it’s an impossible situation because he would hate himself if he ever left her and would then hate me. So that’s never going to happen. I don’t want to destroy him. I don’t want to cause pain to his wife and child.

Chances are he probably feels nothing for me anyway.

You seem to think you know everything about him and everything he's thinking and feeling. I don't know how you can't see that he is playing you.

You seem to think you know everything about him and everything he's thinking and feeling.
Well that’s because we’re very close and he’s a very open person. We talk about everything.

I don't know how you can't see that he is playing you.
I admit I’m struggling to see this. I’m probably just seeing what I want to see and am giving him the benefit of the doubt at every turn. Can’t he just be a really nice guy who fancied a colleague but never wanted to act on it, yet at the same time enjoyed my company and wanted to keep in touch? And remember that he can’t just go NC with me without having to offer an explanation. I’m too proud to tell him how I feel about him. Maybe he doesn’t want to make a fool of himself either by presuming that I fancy him.

Is any of what people are saying going in, OP? At the moment, it comes across like you're actually really enjoying yourself. You're the star of your own tragic melodrama with this guy who you believe is your soulmate and purpose in life, but you can't have him because he's just so good and decent and he would never cheat on his wife. It's perfect, or at least it would be if we weren't talking about a real woman and her child whose lives you'd be happy to fuck up if the chance arose.

I was sympathetic to start with, because unrequited love is shit, but now I can't see any value in trying to help you. You don't really want to be helped, you want to wallow in how sad and ill-used you are. Go ahead, then, and waste your life mooning over a married man who only sees you as his latest plaything. If that's all you want out of life, nothing any of us say will make any difference.

Maybe I will end up waiting another 20 years before it happens again.

And maybe you won't.

Maybe you need to meet more people.

Dear God...telling you about other women who have messaged and sent him 'love notes', pushing you to declare feelings...he won't have an affair with you because he is a 'good person...'

He is keeping you dangling and you are lapping it up and making excuses for his behaviour at every turn.

He is attached. You are not. Stop wasting your time on him and go out there and find someone who is available!

he is with someone else and there is a child.
i think you should go lc and then nc.
you working at the same place is another disadvantage.
you must be logical and stop this. there are many stuff on the internet that can help you to get over it.

Can’t he just be a really nice guy who fancied a colleague but never wanted to act on it, yet at the same time enjoyed my company and wanted to keep in touch?

His behaviour sounds like a pattern though - it's not impossible but unlikely that the woman who sent him the 'saucy' card with a love note (?) did so with absolutely no feeling that he was interested/available/flirting ... The woman who texted and called him, with romantic intent, for an v extended period; again it's v unusual for most people to act like that with no feeling that the other person is open or interested to some extent. That's two "admirers" you know of, there could be more.
You said these were before he and his wife had a child but they were together.

You said his behaviour in the first few months towards you was v much "fall in love with me" and that you do think.hebcraves attention, validation, admiration etc.

He sounds like a serial seeker if attention and validation from women, alongside his main relationship. It's not really the special soul mate connection you seem to think it is.

I understand why the poster above is so frustrated; you seemed to be opening your eyes a bit but now you're back to blind adoration, idealism etc.

Well if you're soul mates and he's too scared to declare himself first etc ... It's clearly up to you to declare yourself and see what his response is.

I'm v sorry but I don't think it's going to be "I'll leave my wife now (or even in the future)".

If he moved on to another ‘friend’ and cheated with her, I would be heartbroken.

Heartbroken that this honest man is in fact dishonest or heartbroken he hasn't cheated with you?

Deep down I want to be with him but it’s an impossible situation because he would hate himself if he ever left her

It's not impossible because he'd hate himself, it's wrong because he's married. Is it really appropriate to continue to be close to this married man when you want more? I'd imagine his wife would be seething.

The problem is that when I spend time talking to him it’s just such a great feeling and I don’t really want to give that up

He's someone elses SO, someone he's chose and asked her to be his forever.

OP please move away from this situation. You're very considerate of his feelings but I'm not sure how considerate he's being of anyone elses. You have to put yourself in his wife's shoes, how would you feel? How would you feel if this was one of your friend or families husbands? This could get very messy.

I have a feeling you'll get knocked back and he'll be oh so flattered but "didnt mean to lead you on" and "can't leave wife and child; wouldn't want little so and so to grow up in a broken home etc etc", that's if he even says that much, it may just be the "didn't mean to lead you on, you're a great friend etc." but maybe that's what it'll take for you to wise up and move on.

Op you're in your 30s, you don't have time to waste pining after a guy who's married with a family; not focused on finding your own partner.

You talk on the phone with him sometimes and see him occasionally - you think it's done big romantic tragedy in which you can't be together because he's too dutiful to leave his wife whom he doesn't really love. The reality could well be that he's not currently in love with his wife - as happens very often in long term relationships, but does love her. They've also had a child in recent years and that puts huge strain on any relationship for a while. He's invested and committed with her and his child. It sounds like they've been together a long time, she's his normal, his familiar, as are her family etc.
You actually have no did idea of how he views you, it could well be just a peripheral friend who is enjoyable to interact with sometimes esp because you do obviously have him on a pedestal and think he's wonderful. It seems like you're making him so important in your emotional life, but you're v unlikely to be central in his, sorry to be harsh but you're a bit player when it comes down to it.

And this is what you're wasting your time, attention and emotion on at the most important time in your life for finding a partner if you want children.

Go ahead and declare your feelings and see what he says .. at least it will Curt's how long you waste on this ... Don't be surprised if you wish in the long run that you hadn't said a thing and had minimised contact, moved on and found a partner of your own with dignity.

*no solid idea

His anecdotes about previous women should also be giving you a strong hint about how things are here and whether it will work out for you to pursue anything with him.

*curtail

The fact you're sure he's been trying to get you to have feelings for him while he's married shows a lack of integrity, that's unattractive.

I know you say he's the only person in 20 years who's been interested in talking with you, could you be reading too much into it? He might pick up on the fact that he's needed by you to an extent for this.
From what he's told you he seems to have a track record for making women feel like he's interested.

when I spend time talking to him it’s just such a great feeling and I don’t really want to give that up
The truth is OP, he's not yours for you to rely on to feel good.

You've opened yourself up to a married man, I'm certain you could open yourself up to a man who's available.

From what he's told you he seems to have a track record for making women feel like he's interested.

I was thinking that he has a track record of helping women make fools of themselves.

From what op knows (and that's the minimal, flattering version delivered by him) she's not the first woman to find him exceptionally engaging, think they have a special connection & that he has feelings for them .. and she likely won't be the last.

does he know you didnt have someone you connected with for 20 years?
i think he knows because you share so much.
you are a vulnerable easy prey for his ego.
he is grooming you, thats why he is so nice to you.
his track record shows you are one of his preys, forcing you to admit your feelings for him. then he will end all the close friendship.
stay away from this damaging relation. it will make you ill and with great possibility cause you to lose your job.

i agree with above poster, he will move on to the next prey.

It’s hard to accept that this person who I like and value could be purposefully just trying to take from me (for an ego boost).

I am hearing what you’re all saying though. It just feels like the only thing coming my way out of all of this is pain.

you working at the same place is another disadvantage.
We don’t work at the same company anymore.

I’ve been the guy in this scenario and it had fuck all to do with me getting an ego boost or using her so it’s not always about that in situations like this.
I had genuine feelings for her and it went on for years without anything being said.
It hurt a lot as well.

But did you have several women in the same situation over the course of the years, and encourage them to declare their feelings for you? From the initial post, I might have agreed with you but subsequent updates made it all sound much less innocent.

It’s hard to accept that this person who I like and value could be purposefully just trying to take from me (for an ego boost).

Fwiw I don't think it's purposeful.. any more than breathing is "purposeful".

It's just his natural behaviour/mo; some women might just be able to enjoy the interaction and think nothing more of it (other than that he's a bit of a flirt and might go a bit too far if let) others, esp if they're lonely/naive/not meeting someone/haven't got experience of a guy like him; might be inclined to read more into it, get attached, catch feelings etc .. which is what appears to have happened with the woman who kept contacting him for a long time, and has happened to you.

Some people crave attention and validation (to some extent) from the opposite sex even when coupled up. He's toward the thick end of that wedge, where he's almost a cheater (and may yet probably be to be one).

I think he would continue to be like that even if he left his marriage and got into a relationship with you, but that's somewhat irrelevant because, when push comes to shove, I dont think he'd leave. He'll only do so if his wife chucks him, which seems that unlikely to happen. Then the "lucky" lady who has him will be subject to exactly what he does to his wife sooner or later.
(Except probably worse because he won't even have the barrier of being a married man with a child, he'd be a divorced man with a child he shares access to and the "perfect" facade will already be fractured).

*may yet prove to be one