Will it get easier? Attracted to friend

[DarkHorseRider]

It’s midnight and I’m in bed, having a cry because I miss my friend who has no idea that I have huge feelings for him. He’s attached so I can never tell him how I feel but it hurts. I just wish things could have been different.

I have a full and busy life, lovely friends and family. I have the best job. The only person that I want to confide in is the same person who this is all about so I can’t.

I think about going no contact every day but I don’t want to lose this special person from my life. Also, when I go LC he just gets in touch and, because I have never told him how I feel about him, there’s no reasonable explanation for not replying.

Do I just keep him as a friend who I’m really attracted to but can never be with?

I have name changed but I’m a regular: pombears, maui, penis beaker, etc. Although I don’t actually know the last story...ambles over to classics.

Does his wife know about your friendship? Have you ever met her?
Yes he told her all about me and I have met her several times.

Dutiful men don't spend a weekend "enraptured" in the company of colleagues
I think he felt that way but never had any intention of acting upon it. I don’t think the high regard we have for each other was within our control. He’s very anti cheating and has made a point of saying that on a number of occasions (in comments about other people).

To be fair on the guy, he may not have ever felt the way op thinks he does/did. He may just see her as a really good friend.
This is totally feasible.

Be careful - all the time you are in contact with him, you are not going to find the person for you. It’s rare I hear about relationships starting with a huge immense mind blowing attraction - which is what you’d need to fall for someone else. You’ll compare any potential dates / bf to him and they will fall short coz you’re in love with him.

Not saying finding someone is the be all and end all. But - you get my point.

It sounds torturous - the longing and the out of reach. I know it’s hard but I would seriously think about ending this friendship - it’s going to drive you mad. If you get on that well and know him well it’s unlikely your strong feelings will change. I doubt you will get over him whilst you’ll still in contact with him.

What do you really want out of this?

... and to answer your question - no I don’t think it will get better. On some level I think you’ll put your life on hold half hoping and wanting him but at the same time not being able to do anything about it. I mean, you could throw yourself at him but don’t advise that and it sounds as if that’s not your plan anyhow.

Calmingvibrations thank you so much for not dismissing my feelings for this guy. The feelings are real and deep.

What do I really want? I want to be with him. I want to be legitimately allowed to love him. I don’t want to be in a relationship with him that has started off as an affair because it would be wrong on so many levels. He would be destroyed by guilt and I don’t want that for him. I don’t want to hurt his child or his wife.

Part of me thinks you never know where life goes. Perhaps we should just keep in touch and see what happens. Maybe we’ll be together when we’re old and widowed and it doesn’t hurt anyone. Maybe just having him in my life as a friend could be enough.

I understand your feelings for him but you’ve got to let go of him and this friendship. It’s just not healthy. He clearly loves his wife to ever consider leaving her and has made that clear to you (well in ear shot of you) by his stance on cheating. Let him go and find your own man.

I've been here and the only way it got easier was no contact. I was lucky as my friend actually moved away, so there was naturally less contact. However it still took about 18 months before I finally felt ok with not contacting him at all. And it took a good few months of no contact before I got over him. Now, 5 years on I rarely think of him and have completely moved on.

I don't think anyone has dismissed your feelings for this guy. On the contrary - they're why most of us are saying you should try to have less contact with him. You sound almost obsessed, and while you feel so strongly, you have no chance of finding anyone else who will measure up. If I can say so, you also sound like you're enjoying the sheer romantic drama of it all.

I think you need to draw back for your own sake and out of respect for his wife. You know perfectly well that if you were in her position, you wouldn't like the idea of your husband investing so much emotional energy into a "friendship" with a woman who was in love with him.

I understand where you are coming from. Yes, you never know with life. I get that. But I still would think of going no contact - and maybe even explaining why. If his situation did change then he can always contact you in the future. I don’t think holding on seeing him all the time will help anything from a future potential relationship perspective.

I’m sorry it hurts so much but I don’t see things changing any time soon (if ever) so you really need to think about if carrying on with this friendship is really worth the anguish if you accept nothing will come if it.

I hope you don’t feel I’m being hard on you. I get it, I really really do. And it sucks. But I don’t think any good will come of this.

The only other alternative to no contact is low contact and trying very hard to make him a small part of your life. However just seeing someone infrequently isn’t necessarily going to translate to them only occupying your mind a small amount of time. And essentially that’s where you’d want to get to (in my experience ) - they don’t take up too much headspace.

Op, this is going to sound very harsh but if you're sitting in bed crying over someone who's married with a child (you only said attached in your op, so I like others presumed he just had a gf or something. I also have a feeling your downplaying of his level of attachment reflects your feelings i.e. his wife and child are an inconvenient little thorn in the side of your crush/fantasy) .... you really need to wise the fk up.

Is he sitting in bed crying over you? I'd imagine not. He's got his life partner and child. Meanwhile you're single and so hung up on him you're not emotionally free to find and fall for your potential life partner.

Now that I know the full details, I'd actually strongly advise NC, not LC. You need to get out of this crush/infatuation asap.

He’s very anti cheating and has made a point of saying that on a number of occasions (in comments about other people).

What a laughable cliche he is. 🤨🤣

Also you should not really - really - know someone from the interaction you've described. You don't get past the "honeymoon" bit where you think someone's just wonderful and the greatest person ever and your soul mate etc etc ..it's an infatuation.

*do not (not should not)

I also meant to add - I'm sure you didn't mean to, but by having your little fantasy about the two of you being together when you're old and widowed, you've basically implied that you're going to hang around him waiting for his wife to die and get out of your way. I don't think you sound like a bad person who wishes death on other people, but you have rather reinforced a pp's point that you see this man's family as a fly in your ointment.

Judging by the strength of your feelings as you've expressed them here, he probably knows how you feel and was aware there was a chance to pursue something with you, but he chose not to. You might feel like that was out of duty and doing the right thing by his wife, but you should consider also that it's because he loves her and his child, and isn't sufficiently interested in you to jeopardise that. You have to face up to the possibility that he might not even have been interested if he was unattached.

Imagine a future scenario where you spend years pining over him from afar and then he suddenly becomes available - let's say his wife leaves him for someone else. What would you do if he STILL didn't want to be with you then?

You say in your OP that he’s “attached” but he’s actually married with a child. That’s very different and so you shouldn’t be entertaining any romantic thoughts, including the old-age fantasy. For your own sake as much as his family’s. I think that NC is the best way forward if you want to give yourself a shot at happiness.

Tell him. If he responds positively then you get what you want. If he doesn’t, it might help you to move on.

I didn’t mean to play things down by saying attached when I meant married. I just meant that he was spoken for.

I do sometimes imagine a situation where he’s free to be with me and chooses a new partner altogether. I do see how that could happen.

I think if he was single we’d have had something. He really likes me as a person and has made reference to me being ‘beautiful’ (in his eyes) in the past. I don’t think it has all been in my head. Plus I look exactly like his type (I look like his wife and the famous people I know he has fancied).

I know he is 110% committed to his child and his reputation.

You’re probably right. He probably does love her, despite what he has intimated to me.

Thanks everyone. I will think about things.

Tell him. If he responds positively then you get what you want. If he doesn’t, it might help you to move on.
I have considered this many times and he has even pressed me on occasions to declare myself. I don’t know why. For the ego boost of being the object of someone’s affections presumably.
I don’t want to tell him for a few reasons.

1. I don’t want to be that person who makes a pass at a married man.
2. I don’t want to humiliate myself. I have visions of him telling his wife all about it and them having a nice laugh about it. He’s had women chase after him in the past apparently (who I presume he led on).
3. I’m scared of losing his friendship.

How old are you, OP?

Do you really not think you are worth more than a married man?

Do you not think you're worthy of a decent man who doesn't chuck off his wife and child for someone else?

Part of the attraction is how nice he is. If he's nice, it won't happen. If he's nasty, the attraction was a mirage. Either way, this is going nowhere happy.

I don’t want him to leave his wife and child. Mostly because he is nice and that would destroy his self image and break him as a person.

I know that I’m worth the affections of an unattached man. I just haven’t felt this way about someone before.

I’m in my thirties.

He probably does love her, despite what he has intimated to me.

he has even pressed me on occasions to declare myself. I don’t know why. For the ego boost of being the object of someone’s affections presumably.

He’s had women chase after him in the past apparently (who I presume he led on).

Ok, until your latest post I had no.gandkevonbwgat part he was playing in this situation. The above actually makes me think he's a bit if a c*not. Perhaps not even bit of ..

You need to get your head out of your arse here and detach.

This guy isn't worth a fleeting thought, let alone crying in bed at 12 at night. Come on op!!!

*no handle on - wtf is up with my autocorrect

That would be a cnt, not a cnot

It’s really disrespectful and underhand for you to continue this friendship.

You are the OW in waiting, thirsting for the breakdown of his relationship, her utter broken heartbreak would be your best case scenario.

It’s low - so, so low.

Stop seeing him.