Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will it get easier? Attracted to friend

504 replies

DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 00:23

It’s midnight and I’m in bed, having a cry because I miss my friend who has no idea that I have huge feelings for him. He’s attached so I can never tell him how I feel but it hurts. I just wish things could have been different.

I have a full and busy life, lovely friends and family. I have the best job. The only person that I want to confide in is the same person who this is all about so I can’t.

I think about going no contact every day but I don’t want to lose this special person from my life. Also, when I go LC he just gets in touch and, because I have never told him how I feel about him, there’s no reasonable explanation for not replying.

Do I just keep him as a friend who I’m really attracted to but can never be with?

I have name changed but I’m a regular: pombears, maui, penis beaker, etc. Although I don’t actually know the last story...ambles over to classics.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 23:24

Yeah, maybe he’s not as good as I thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 23:26

It's fairly unusual for someone to persist in totally one sided contact for that long.
I thought she must have just really liked him or perhaps he was exaggerating time scales to sound cool.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 24/09/2019 23:32

Could you discretely speak to those women and get their side of the story?

I don't think its necessary (I think hes at the very least a flirt who acts inappropriately toward women) but it might help you.

Personally I wouldn't fancy (in the extreme and probably unlikely scenario that he were to break up and get involved with you) being with someone like this - someone who collects "admirers" and crushes, even if it "only" is validation/ego. It's an extremely uncomfortable position to be in as his partner; it's not decent behaviour. It sounds like he's acted v unfairly toward you. I hope this thread has helped the scales fall from your eyes about him and that you'll concentrate on detaching, recovering and finding a good partner for yourself. Be glad instead of sad that he's already got a partner; you could've her and that's not a nice position to be in.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 23:33

Google "love bombing". I think it's highly likely that he has projected a mirror of yourself/your values back at you - so you've fallen hard - for yourself. That's why he feels so "perfect". He's a mirage, conjured. He doesn't exist.
Is this an intentional thing on his part?

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 24/09/2019 23:34

*could've been her

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 23:35

Could you discretely speak to those women and get their side of the story? I don’t know their names and I couldn’t find out.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 24/09/2019 23:35

Is this an intentional thing on his part?

I think some people who crave acceptance, validation, admiration etc. do it "naturally".

Everafter1 · 24/09/2019 23:37

You're considering pursuing a married man with a family?

He's had other female friends just like you where its became more than friends, love notes etc?

He sounds like a p*k. Don't shed a tear over this man, he obv knows how to get what he wants. You need to value yourself more than to be a bit on the side. Plus, have some respect for his family. One of you need to.

GilbertMarkham · 24/09/2019 23:37

Also, in spits of his big talk of integrity and being anti cheating, he could tip over one day into physical cheating - would you want to be with someone like that.

Plus a poster earlier pointed out that many women have been cheated on by men who protested loudly that they'd never cheat and were so down on cheating.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 23:42

He is full of bravado but I do sense that he does crave those things:

I think some people who crave acceptance, validation, admiration etc. do it "naturally".

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 24/09/2019 23:43

I don’t know their names and I couldn’t find out.

Pity but I don't think it actually matters- you have your own experience and two previous examples of something indicating he encouraged/engaged with other women beyond what it normal, it's never a good sign when an attached man has a woman texting and phoning him at all hours .. if he was legit it would be v unlikely to happen in the first place and he's have nipped it v firmly in the bud at the earliest point.

He's been encouraging you to declare your feelings for him FFS, while married with a child.

Not good relationship material .. even if available.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 23:43

You're considering pursuing a married man with a family? No, I’m not.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 23:46

He's been encouraging you to declare your feelings for him FFS, while married with a child.
And I don’t want to because I think that he had feelings for me too, at least early on, but my fear is that he’d make out like this is all just me. He’d have to ‘let me down gently’ and explain that ‘he’s married’ etc. I can’t see it ever being a totally open conversation. I guess I’m saying that I don’t trust him not to humiliate me. Ouch.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 24/09/2019 23:49

You can do better than feeding his ego and languishing over him op. He's just a guy who can't even act decently toward his partner/family.

As I said his lines are old & unoriginal.

Let him continue in his fked up little dynamic, pity his wife and move on to looking hard for a decent partner for yourself.

Everafter1 · 24/09/2019 23:49

You need to do your best to move on from this, it's not going to go anywhere & your hurt already so it's pointless. It's unfair on his family.

There's posts on here all the time about women being suspicious of their partners relationships with female friends.

You're attached to him, you need to remove yourself so you can be open to someone who's not unattainable.

GilbertMarkham · 24/09/2019 23:52

And I don’t want to because I think that he had feelings for me too

Maybe he did, who knows - but all I know is that he has a history of "attracting" admirers while attached, which suggests that his interaction with you has perhaps not been the exceptional, special connection that you think it was.

That is no reflection on you and your attractiveness btw - just on his character and behaviour.

morrisseysquif · 24/09/2019 23:53

This could be me, 15 years ago. A friend I had a huge bond with and wanted to be with, but he was with somebody else. Not married. He hardly ever talked about her ( she didn't live in the same town). We emailed and texted a lot, we went clubbing, he stayed over all weekend.

I then met 'me' ten years on...but it was my boss on a night out who, a bit tipsy, regaled her tale of her male friend in a relationship whom she was in love with, and had been for ten years. I thought, fuck this, this will be me, but I'm only 36. I'll never meet anybody unless I cut the leash.

I wrote him a card telling him of my growing feelings as I wanted no regrets, no ' what if', to tell him I had to move on and why. He sent me such a patronising email back, of flattery and regret and a postscript 'Not to send him cards to his home as it caused problems on a night coming home from the pub'
I didn't know she had just moved in with him.

I missed him so much but knew he was flattered by my attention and he must have known I was developing feelings from our closeness. This just made him a disingenuous wanker.

Cut the leash.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 23:55

he has a history of "attracting" admirers while attached
He definitely gave out ‘fall in love with me’ vibes. Especially over the first 3-4 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 23:57

Thanks for sharing your story morrisseysquif. You were very brave sending the card. I used to be a lot braver!!

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 24/09/2019 23:58

Just the fact that he's encouraged you to declare feelings for him - while he's married with a kid .... Can you not see what that makes him.

It is so utterly inappropriate, so unfair to his wife, and so unfair to you. He's not treating anyone decently. He's not worth any respect or emotion.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 25/09/2019 00:06

Just the fact that he's encouraged you to declare feelings for him
He knows that there’s something up because I have accidentally slipped up on a few occasions. I think he’s just a very curious person. If he were on here and was able to defend himself he’d say he’s just curious to get to the bottom of what’s going on with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 25/09/2019 00:06

He does try hard to be appropriate. The not meeting me alone, etc.

OP posts:
ChaoticMundanity · 25/09/2019 00:12

I've been in your position OP and it was unbelievably painful. We had a shared hobby, every second I would spend with him was absolutely magical, and we had such an amazing friendship. But I'd sob all the way home afterwards because I knew I could never tell him how desperately in love with him I was, because he was married, and a good guy.
I knew I had to withdraw for the sake of my own sanity so (without making a big deal of it) just gradually contacted him less and got involved less with our hobby until we were only speaking every few months. It wasn't easy, but my feelings gradually reduced to manageable levels, and a few years later I met my incredible DH.
12 years on I still see this man occasionally and I won't lie, I still get a slight twinge of longing BUT I'm so so glad that I never divulged my feelings as I'm 99% sure the only result would have been to lose him from my life completely.
Wishing you the best of luck and strength in moving on from him Flowers

Blueoasis · 25/09/2019 06:03

OK from what else you said, I take back what I said before. He sounds like a twat who uses women to give himself an ego boost. I doubt you're the only one in his harem of women who he texts on a regular basis or meets up with.

Let that be what makes you stop liking him or texting him. He is cheating on his wife, emotionally if not physically. But then we don't know if he's persuaded any other woman for anything physical. He is not a good man.

Howdoisortthis · 25/09/2019 07:05

I’ve had a friend like this for over two years now. Both married. He’ll never leave his wife, even though I believe he’s unhappy. Not from anything he’s said (he never ever mentions her) but I’ve been told this from our very close mutual friend..

He continues to put a huge effort in to maintain a friendship with me. We text daily, “good morning” and “night” most days long chats in between, sometimes flirty and sexual. I’ve told him I feel as though I love him, he just wants to keep texting and being friends. It’s a massive mess.

He insists we’re just friends and I think that’s how he justifies it to himself.

I think for some men it’s a way of getting an ego boost, adding excitement to their mundane lives, without actually cheating.

I can totally relate to him giving early signs of being in love and I believe he did this deliberately to get me hooked. In fact they sound like the same guy, but mine has two children.
I’ve tried to end it so many times now. At the moment I’m doing very low contact and never initiating contact.

Try and do the same or tell him your feelings and if he tells you he doesn’t feel the same you’ll find it much easier to move on.