Will it get easier? Attracted to friend

[DarkHorseRider]

It’s midnight and I’m in bed, having a cry because I miss my friend who has no idea that I have huge feelings for him. He’s attached so I can never tell him how I feel but it hurts. I just wish things could have been different.

I have a full and busy life, lovely friends and family. I have the best job. The only person that I want to confide in is the same person who this is all about so I can’t.

I think about going no contact every day but I don’t want to lose this special person from my life. Also, when I go LC he just gets in touch and, because I have never told him how I feel about him, there’s no reasonable explanation for not replying.

Do I just keep him as a friend who I’m really attracted to but can never be with?

I have name changed but I’m a regular: pombears, maui, penis beaker, etc. Although I don’t actually know the last story...ambles over to classics.

I do have high self esteem. I really like myself. But you’re right, I was very susceptible to his flattery. I think that comes from naivety though as I never dreamt that someone would just say that stuff for effect. For example he was very complimentary about some of my writing that I showed him and he really encouraged me to write more. He was full of praise and very specific feedback on it. It didn’t occur to me that really he thought it was mediocre and was just trying to flatter me to his own end. I know I sound foolish but I don’t think that I will ever become cynical enough to survive in this world without getting hurt. I think I would rather stay like ‘me’ than become a hardened, more suspicious version of me. I am relatively street smart and not a pushover but I do have a gentle approach. My Dad is exactly the same.*

You could be twins! You sound as bad as him tbh

What do you hope to achieve my asking members of this site about your situation? because I think you have no intention of giving this man up and will continue to flatter his ego and he will continue to flirt with you. His poor wife is either brain dead or accepts his emotional affairs with all these women - I personally wouldn't want to be part of his many admirers. He sounds like Warren Beatty only his hasn't actually done the deed with any of you. Lets hope you don't end up singing You're so Vain" like Carly Simon did.

It's simple. He's a married man who you can't have, and you have to start distancing yourself now and looking for someone who's available. Everything else is irrelevant

It really is as simple as this!
Everyone on here has given you great advice. They've either just been direct & told you stay away or more sympathetic to you but told you stay away.
Everyone has said the same. Maybe the direct approach is what's needed now for you can come to a clear conclusion & stop obsessing over the finer points.

Everything else is irrelevant. You can't & won't be with him. His thoughts, motives, perception can be dissected for all eternity but it doesn't matter.

How he's treated his wife is appalling, instead of being repelled by this you're happy to believe that she's subpar because it justifies it for you both. How does this all lie on your conscience, really? There's not been any mention of you feeling guilty for the hurt this'll cause his family.

You've knowingly got romantically involved with a married man. Now, feelings can't be helped but 2 years on & you're still hanging onto anything he'll give in the hope that he leaves her for you. It's sickening that this has been going on behind this woman's back not to mention the effects it would have on the child.

You're a woman in her 30s, who has been cheated on. This should've been nipped in the bud a long time ago. Any contact prolongs it.

I don't know if you'll take the advice we've all given. There seems to be a lot of going back & forth.
You should concentrate on yourself & work out why you've deemed this appropriate & where certain boundaries should be placed with married men. There shouldn't be grey areas here. His wife & child deserve the respect & your life is being wasted away on someone completely unavailable & off limits. Cut him off.

Tell him you've met the most amazing man and you have totally fallen for him then sit back and grab the popcorn
How do you think he / a narcissist would react to that?

He's not an emotional support because look at what his existence is doing to you
This is a good point. And the fact that he has recently started negging me (maybe his way of teasing but he sounded quite serious) suggests that, unlike my other friends who build me up, he’s trying to pull me down. It’s like he doesn’t want me getting ideas above my station.

If he was here and able to defend himself he would say...

He has described her to you as someone he does not love,
He said he’s never been ‘in love’ and doesn’t think in that way. So yes, he’s never been ‘in love’ with his wife we can assume. But I think he would say that he does ‘love’ her as a person, as the mother of his daughter, as a partner.

whom he has settled for,
He thinks that most married couples settle

is good for quick sex (when he wants it).
He says it’s comfortable sex, he knows what he’s allowed to do.

If I heard my husband say these things I would ask for a divorce, not as punishment but because I couldn't live with a man who thought that of me.
I don’t think his wife has any idea about the ‘in love’ thing. Presumably he tells her he loves her because presumably he does. I wouldn’t want to be with a man who settled for me and was never ‘in love’ with me.

You could be twins! You sound as bad as him tbh
In what way? I’m genuinely interested.

Nobody with high self esteem would be crying over a married man who treats his wife like shit.

OP you've gotten brilliant advice on here but you're not listening to anyone (you're pretending to listen). Why do you need to know how he would react to you saying you had a new man?

It's as simple as you blocking and moving on. But you aren't and won't because he's feeding your ego as much as you're feeding his. He's winning though because guaranteed he's not at home in bed crying over you. He's at home in bed snuggling up to his wife or shagging her.

I don't know if you'll take the advice we've all given. There seems to be a lot of going back & forth.
I know and I am finding it hugely helpful. Until a few days ago, I thought this guy was really special. It’s taking some adjusting to realise that this is all on his terms, to feed his own ego. I know he’s married. I never had any intention of making a pass at him or telling him how I feel. This whole thing is about me working out my feelings. Up until last week I totally blamed myself for this situation. Some of the posters on here have helped me to see that he has had a part to play in this whole mess.

Yes, he’s merrily getting on with his life, maybe his wife is oblivious/thick-skinned/unbothered or maybe she’s terribly hurt. I think he is the one responsible for how he has made her feel. I have answered his calls, met up at his suggestion and developed feelings for him. If he feels something more than friendship for me then he’s the one who has betrayed his wife.

OP you've gotten brilliant advice on here but you're not listening to anyone (you're pretending to listen). Why do you need to know how he would react to you saying you had a new man?
I am listening. I’m interested because he has been a close ‘friend’ for a while. Someone suggested it and I was wondering what the impact or result would be.

I have already said that I am uncomfortable with the notion of blocking him or anyone really. It’s not my style. I also think it sends him a message that he hurt me, which I don’t want to do.

I think he is the one responsible for how he has made her feel. I have answered his calls, met up at his suggestion and developed feelings for him. If he feels something more than friendship for me then he’s the one who has betrayed his wife.

Seriously? I was worried you were going to say something like this but hopeful you'd have more of a conscience.

It's not solely on him, he might be the one married but you knew he was married from the start and have encouraged his advances. You're both to blame here. You're both hanging on for the attention you're getting. We've all been sympathetic as we're hearing your side & no one's denying you of your feelings but in reality both of you must be doing this out of weakness & insecurity.

You've been in this womans company multiple times pretending to be her husbands friend when in reality what you're doing is maintaining it hoping she'll get chucked. Audacious.

I felt bad for you to a point but you clearly feel no remorse at all.

At least he's trying to do the right thing by backing off. Let him do it.

It's not solely on him, he might be the one married but you knew he was married from the start and have encouraged his advances. You're both to blame here.
OK. I accept that.

You've been in this womans company multiple times pretending to be her husbands friend when in reality what you're doing is maintaining it hoping she'll get chucked.
That hasn’t been my motivation. I never wanted to meet her. I never in a million years thought that he would break up with her. I’m just looking for a way to manage my own feelings about this situation.

At least he's trying to do the right thing by backing off. Let him do it.
Yes, I will. But he still calls me and initiates contact, albeit less frequently.

You still went along to maintain the relationship with him (her husband)
He didn't force you to meet his wife. Remove yourself from the situation. Don't respond.

i think op is very hurt and in pain that she cant think about the pain the wife may go through. at least the wife is at home and have him, but she is losing a friend.

losing someone is sometimes like the death of someone.

i think he is more to blame here than op.

his new catches wont be as mature as op and they will cause pain to their marriage.

This isn't a friendship bluebell. No one's denying OPs feelings but this is a married man ; the whole idea of "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" where the wife's concerned is disrespectful.

I have answered his calls, met up at his suggestion and developed feelings for him

I know I've just quoted this within a bigger paragraph but this like
"I didn't rob the bank, I just helped arrange it all, accompanied the robber & kept my fingers crossed it was successful"

You don't have to be physically involved to be culpable.

his new catches wont be as mature as op and they will cause pain to their marriage.

What hypothetical people do is besides the point. He's married and justifying it all is probably what's making op go back & forth on here.

Not the usual scenario for a mature empathic woman to be involved in, if she did she'd be riddled with guilt after spending the day with his wife.

Well the g would be wonderful if people weren't selfish, vulnerable, a whole mix of good and bad qualities but they are.

Ideally we think ow and potential ow should be upstanding, unselfish, honourable, super sensible etc but in reality, look around you, they are not. It's the 'tale as old as time". Men will tell ow and potential ow whatever works to get anything from attention to sex, and lots and lots of women believe them and give it. Maybe there's a good bit of selfishness there, a bit of avarice, a big of ego (he says/implies I'm better than her, he only settled for her, I'm his soul mate, I'm special and I believe it) .... But that's human nature. There's also the fact that many relationships do break down all the time, with and without other people involved and people "reshuffle" and ow think this is just another example.of course every is thinks she's going to be Joanne Woodward to Paul Newman, not Ms. Used & discarded or Ms. Kept hanging on in hope for years while nothing changes.

Op you thought you were in love with a great guy who happened to have settled before get met you and who probably had feelings back. You thought he wouldn't exit his marriage however due to duty/honour/whatever.

Between your observations and Mumsnet posters, you've realised that is probably not quite the situation. That he may well have never had a thought of leaving her, that he may not return the same (if any) feelings, that he may be a narcissist, that he is actually dishonourable (even though he hasn't physically cheated), that this is an unhealthy situation that is not going to work out for you and you need to exit. Personally I think a steady ramp down in any contact while ramping up hobbies, interests, new challenges, dating, socialising, anything and everything you can do is the way forward.

If at some time in future he actually gains enough backbone and honour to end his marriage (in which he implies he settled and only has sex due to horniness and her proximity etc.), you could try a relationship with him - presuming you were also single (and he wanted to, it's equally possible he'd just mess you about more with some other woman, since he can charm when he wants to).

But think it's clear that most posters think that even if he were ever to become single (unlikely unless his wife chucks him for one reason or another) and you were single at the same time; that he'd be quite a shit partner in many ways. He does seem to be a narcissist.

I wouldn't bother with any big ',I've met someone" bullshit. It snacks of desperation. Just ramp down contact. He's not your friend and hrle's not a potential partner. Maybe he'll be useful someday as a networking contact if you maintain a civil acquaintance.

"smacks of

Also he made it clear he's never been in love - at one point you possibly thought you might be the exception, but it doesn't seem likely. He's not going to end a marriage in which he settled because he thinks he's just settle again (because he doesn't really "do" love) so what would be the point of all that disruption, financial shit, reputation loss, hassle etc.? To get another woman he fks perfunctorily when he's horny. He dies sound like a big if a narcissist, not capable of genuine love ... Be glad you've dodged a bullet in not being the one he settled with.

So if he still calls don't answer Not again. Or as so many people have said Block.

Also you don't need to hide your feelings from decent men. I suggest again you look at the Freedom Programme which can only help you going forward.

If you are serious about moving on you need to actively take practical steps to do so. Like blocking/ ignoring Planning a cheery response if you meet him/ a message to send if he ramps up contact You could say you are starting to see someone/ a new hobby/ supporting a colleague or friend. Anything to back off if you can't block. Actually start something new to help fill the time you spend thinking about him.

Then allow yourself a set period each day to wallow then stop. Everyday. Forcing yourself not to think will start to establish a pattern. Pi g yourself with an elastic band if you catch yourself drifting. It will help.