Will it get easier? Attracted to friend

[DarkHorseRider]

It’s midnight and I’m in bed, having a cry because I miss my friend who has no idea that I have huge feelings for him. He’s attached so I can never tell him how I feel but it hurts. I just wish things could have been different.

I have a full and busy life, lovely friends and family. I have the best job. The only person that I want to confide in is the same person who this is all about so I can’t.

I think about going no contact every day but I don’t want to lose this special person from my life. Also, when I go LC he just gets in touch and, because I have never told him how I feel about him, there’s no reasonable explanation for not replying.

Do I just keep him as a friend who I’m really attracted to but can never be with?

I have name changed but I’m a regular: pombears, maui, penis beaker, etc. Although I don’t actually know the last story...ambles over to classics.

Stop it, op. Stop trying to defend him and cling to this idea that he's a good man. He's not. He's a deceitful prick who treats his poor wife with utter disrespect because he likes having a trail of broken hearted women in his wake. He's using you as an ego boost. He probably has no intention of taking it any further because he can justify it as not being cheating as long as it doesn't turn physical. But all the time he's trying to get you to declare yourself and reinstigating contact when you go quiet? Fuck that. The more you tell us, the more he sounds like some kind of psychopath. He is cruel and has a hugely inflated sense of self worth, which you are bolstering with your attentions. And he's openly admitted you're not the first.

What would he have to do before you saw him for what he really is?

Ah OP, you’ve been so taken in by him and I feel awful for you, because I’ve been there too in the dim and distant past.
I have forgotten the name of the person on this post who summed it up best for me but I’ll paraphrase;
You’re crying over him at night while he’s home eating dinner with his wife, chatting to her about his day and having sex with her.
It’s harsh but true, he’s not spending his time thinking about you, other than how flattering it is that yet another woman has fallen for his charms, and probably feeling smug that he’s ‘still got it’.
He’s not a decent man. He’s led at least three other women on that you know about since being committed to his now wife, he pushes you to admit your feelings even tho you’ll then just be another story for the next woman while he stays with his oblivious wife, he implies he doesn’t love his wife and he keeps up a level of contact with another woman which is, imo, akin to an emotional affair, given the circumstances. He’s not a nice man.

I'm sorry, he's toying with you and enjoying the attention. Whether or not he actually has affairs, he loves the emotional lead up to them. He enjoys the intensity of it, and he's trying to get you to admit you're in love with him? Fuck that. He is not who you think he is. And another clue: IME someone who is very vocal about denigrating actions secretly is the opposite.

I feel sorry for his wife who, I would bet on it, knows about his crushees.

The best thing you can do is go NC. You will never meet someone while carrying a torch around for this guy. It's very hard, but this guy is a trophy hunter. He isn't for you.

OMG what a dick he is. Encouraging you to declare feelings? He has done this before and will do it again.

OP you are just an ego boost. Don't waste the best years of your life on someone who is so disrespectful to you and his wife.

Go for the slow fade. Takes ages to reply to messages. He is clever so will figure it out quickly and move on to another victim. Yes it's going to hurt, but he's not available for you anyway.

Even if not an actual affair, he wants to have his cake and eat it. Meanwhile you get no cake whatsoever.

He has his life partner, his family, he has that company, support, plus one to take to every occasion, emotional and financial security, family man reputation, emotional support, most likely housekeeping services, etc etc ... Meanwhile you're on your own at night, sitting crying in bed .... No partner, no kids.

You can have all that, by detaching from this year and doing your utmost to meet a partner of your own.

He's a red herring, a distraction, a time waster and a sort of emotional parasite. Get him out of your life and thoughts.

Oh and he's done this before .. no way does someone keep contacting a man for nearly two years - entirely one sided. Youve seen how he acts, sorry - I know it's hurtful but it's not been a one off of special

*one off or special

I’ve had a friend like this for over two years now.

He's not your friend.

Just like op's "friend".

The label friend, especially in opposite sex friendships, is used by some people to obscure a great deal of dishonourable, shady, exploitative behaviour.

I've had a guy, whom I knew/was acquainted with from school, tell another guy who asked if I was his gf v firmly that I was "a friend" (he had an on off gf back in the region he was living in); strangely enough he was still putting his hand on my thigh later that night,bad drinks went in at the bar, after that insisting on accompanying me to a couple of house parties (it was boxing day) and on the way to one suggesting we skip the party and just chill in my house watching a film . I made the mistake of having some sexual contact with him in the early hours drunk, and the next day he legged it and somehow remembered about his on off gf back in England. But all the time he was going out for walks, to the cinema, inviting me along for drinks etc. it was "as friends".

Sometimes you can see the rationale behind old fashioned, conservative folks who don't believe in friendship between the sexes; so many people esp men seem to exploit it.

Why do you allow yourself to be manipulated by this egotistical knob?

If he were on here and was able to defend himself he’d say he’s just curious to get to the bottom of what’s going on with me.

It sounds like he's purposefully flirted and engaged emotionally with you; he knows what the likely explanation of your hints/slip ups is .. that you have feelings for him.

What else is it going to be? That you're secretly an M16 operative?

I'm not trying to be rude but seriously op, what's there to be curious about, it's not curiosity. He knows he's engaged your feelings, he likes the validation and ego boost .. he knows or at the very least he can guess. He just can't deny himself the satisfaction of hearing it so he's pushing at your little "slips", which are equally not really slips.

(you're deep in infatuation and are getting urges to, as I've heard it rather disgustingly phrased, vomit your feelings up all over him, with the small hope that he'll leave his wife now or at some future point and you'll have this fantasy soul mate relationship, which doesn't exist incidentally).

I do get it, OP, really I do. There are few of us here who haven't had an unrequited love for someone who wasn't available. We've all sat there imagining what might happen if we just hang around for long enough and hope that his wife or gf dumps him. It's not a side of ourselves that most of us admire very much, but you can't help feeling what you feel. The difference here is that this man is leading you on with no intention of giving you what you want, and you're desperately trying to fool yourself that he's a good guy because, if you admit to yourself that he isn't, you'll feel like a twit. But his behaviour has been completely shitty and I don't think this is all on you at all. Let yourself see that you're worth more than this and bin him off. He doesn't deserve an explanation and he probably won't seek one, he'll just move on to the next victim.

Just catching up on this thread and even though I am in a similar position, I wholeheartedly agree with @GilbertMarkham (love that book btw)

Plus a poster earlier pointed out that many women have been cheated on by men who protested loudly that they'd never cheat and were so down on cheating.

Totally agree with this. My ex used to pontificate about cheaters when he was one himself in the end.

Sometimes you can see the rationale behind old fashioned, conservative folks who don't believe in friendship between the sexes; so many people esp men seem to exploit it.

Totally agree with this too. Opposite sex friendships can become very complex and true colours often emerge when the female in the friendship becomes single. When my first marriage broke down, I had 3 male friends try it on with me and one of them declare he had loved me for years. Two just wanted sex (they were told where to go!), but the friend who made the declaration, it did break my heart because I'd seen him as nothing but a 'brother'. I had no clue about his feelings and as they weren't reciprocated on my part, he had to detach. It broke our friendship and things were never the same because I did love him, but not in that way.

Even though I have feelings for the friend in my situation now, I know it is more or less in my head and as one of the other PPs has suggested, it is more than likely a projection of one's self. I've had a lot of counselling over the past 18 months and know I'm worth a lot more than being someone's OW. I'm definitely not going to be one of those women pining for years, it is a waste of time and energy.

I'd say that this is a very steep learning curve for us in this situation because you have to look within and do the right thing. OP, it does sound like your male friend has form for this and I'd be very wary now. I'd start cutting down the contact ASAP.

Ha yeah his wife knows about his ‘crushees’ or are least knows what he’s like. I know a man like this he likes a little ego boost. Some people enjoy playing emotional games with others such as yourself who are easily manipulated. Let’s see if I can get her to fall for me! I can already see the signs it’s just too easy! But I want it on a plate in front of me so I know I’ve won. Then I can let her down gently and explain that actually I will not be leaving my family for her. The emotional challenge is gone now she’s told me how she feels so I’ll either back off and take the moral high ground (I like you lots but I don’t have affairs, I couldn’t do that to my wife...🤔) or I’ll see if I can secretly sleep with her so the challenge is fully complete then I can keep her as an ego boost friend but look out for my next ummmm friend (victim?! 😬)

OP, it does sound like your male friend has form for this and I'd be very wary now. I'd start cutting down the contact ASAP.

• agree with this. Unless you too want to play games, in which case, assuming your ‘win’ would be for him to leave his family and be with you, prepare to lose...

*If he were on here and was able to defend himself he’d say he’s just curious to get to the bottom of what’s going on with me."

Also forgot to add - I doubt it's a big mystery to him what's "up with" you, given he's been in this situation before, with the woman who kept texting and phoning him for the better part of 2 years (with zero encouragement, totally one sided of course).

Same sex friendships can be tricky. I have few male friends & in all honesty anytime they or I have been in relationships I do back off out of respect for the so. Something must tell me it's not as much as a safe place as friendships with other females.

Thanks for all your messages. Interesting to see how many others have been through a similar experience.

I suspect his wife knows that there’s something not quite right going on. One time I met him and she came along even though she was unwell.

I do sometimes feel frustrated and resentful that he encouraged these feelings in me but has since backed off somewhat and is playing the innocent party now.

He's treated you unfairly.
He's treating his wife unfairly as well of course.

If you express any resentment he'll play dumb and/or get gratification that you fell for him. (Because resentment and hurt inherently imply.uou have feelings).

I wouldn't be giving this punter the satisfaction.
I would become very busy with new projects, new hobbies, new activities (all of which should be real to.distract you and widen your circles for meeting a real potential partner) and lessen any contact steadily til it's next to nothing. Don't jump to replying to him as you probably have been.

Even if he left his relationship/family and got together with you, which I don't think he will, and I don't think you realistically think.he will either ... He's not good relationship material. I think we all feel sorry for his wife, and I'm not even sure he won't tip over into physical cheating at some point.

The problem is that when I spend time talking to him it’s just such a great feeling and I don’t really want to give that up. He really listens to me and takes such an active interest in me. I’m used to men just talking at me but he’s the first man I have met who isn’t like that. Ex boyfriends have tended to go into a monologue about all the things that are important to them.

He also has this knack of getting me to open up to him so I have been very open about many aspects of my life. I have shared hopes, fears and dreams with him. I have never done that with anyone before.

So it has become a really important relationship to me. To give that up completely would be heart wrenching.

I’m very good friends with one of my ex boyfriends and hoped I could become just good friends with this guy too.

If he moved on to another ‘friend’ and cheated with her, I would be heartbroken.

I'd be really wary if I was his wife.

it’s just such a great feeling and I don’t really want to give that up.

It's not such a great feeling when you sitting in bed in your own crying and making MN threads about it, though is it.

You can get that with someone else, friends or a partner. Just because you happen to have been in relationships with a couple of guys who were not good listeners before does not mean every man you could ever meet or get involved with will be the same.

I'd be really wary if I was his wife.
I’m not sure what she makes of things. He is so vehemently anti cheating that he must have said that to her as well so perhaps she’s secure in his feelings for her.
He can be quite a dominant character and in public she is very quiet. However, I suspect it’s her who wears the trousers. He’s afraid to upset her in any way.

Just because you happen to have been in relationships with a couple of guys who were not good listeners before does not mean every man you could ever meet or get involved with will be the same.
True but it has taken me 20 years to meet someone who seems interested in talking with me rather than at me. Maybe I will end up waiting another 20 years before it happens again.