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Original poster

Who pays on second date( but first dinner date)

482 replies

Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 07:03

Prob will get slated for this but just being honest
Second date - but first dinner date- with guy I like.
I offered ( said “ do you want me to...” when the bill arrived) and he said “ yes let’s split it”
He had asked me out for dinner and I feel quite traditional in that it would be nice if the guy who has asked you pays for the first time you go for dinner. Not every date, just in this situation maybe
Prepared to be slated though... thoughts please?

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 22/09/2019 07:12

I'd want to split it.

Shebertherbert · 22/09/2019 07:13

It's 2019. I would expect to pay my own way.

BeanBag7 · 22/09/2019 07:14

If your wanted him to pay, why did you offer? What if her said "oh thanks, that's great" and let you pay. Thay wouldnt be unreasonable since you offered.

Splitting the bill is fair.

BillywilliamV · 22/09/2019 07:17

Split, or offer to pay!

Is this still a question in 2019?

PennysPocket · 22/09/2019 07:17

Always spit it unless it was clear that the invite came with paying as in "can I take you out for dinner my treat" kind of thing.

I am 42 and never expected anyone I was dating to automatically pay because they are male and its tradition.

northender · 22/09/2019 07:18

Definitely would split the bill. Wouldn't want to be indebted to someone at that stage of a relationship.

omikron · 22/09/2019 07:20

You said 'do you want me to...' what?

Sounds like you were maybe being a bit awkward?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/09/2019 07:23

Prepare to be slated indeed OP- if everything isn’t 50/50 in the world of mn the woman is a gold digger or the man a financial abuser.
I think it’s nice to be treated at first and equally it’s nice for a woman to pay (after the first date) too.
I think generosity on both sides is important.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/09/2019 07:24

Oh also I always figured splitting the bill on the first date meant sides weren’t interested

butterflyFed · 22/09/2019 07:30

I usually split the bill, but I do things I can afford. If a date wanted to go to a fancy restaurant I would not want to spend as much money, specially on a second date, so I would say something about it before we go. "I think that is a bit above my price range" gives the other party option to say they will invite or change the place.

The last guy I dated: we split the first two. I took the third as he retired to the bathroom at the time of paying (full meal for two people). So it was my expectation that he would pay for the next in return. But he asked the server to split the bill. To be honest, that was a big turn off. He then started doing it with coffee. You know, a $4 latte, not big deal (if we take turns to pay). But no, he never paid for mine. We ended up ordering $1 coffee separately... and that was the nail in the coffin.

I pay for my coworkers coffee for godsake and they pay for mine.

Rocaille · 22/09/2019 07:32

If he'd invited me and chosen the restaurant, I'd be really put off by him wanting to split the bill. I probably wouldn't want to see him again.

MarthasGinYard · 22/09/2019 07:35

I'd have offered and Split

But secretly Op....if he'd have invited and selected restaurant then I'd be with you.

Suppertimelove · 22/09/2019 07:37

Split - why should either side pay for it all?!?!?

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 22/09/2019 07:40

I find it hard to read "I'm quite traditional" in this context without thinking that you're probably being very selective. Do you expect him to ask your parents if he can court you, expect to be a frilly pretty accessory with no say in anything to him, or expect him to be able to dictate when he will kiss or grope you without a say? Or do you just mean it in the "I quite fancy a free meal" kind of way?

It's 2019. On a 2nd date I'd expect to split it. On future dates I'd either split or expect either party to treat the other.

user1474894224 · 22/09/2019 07:40

I think it depends how you met. If you met through a dating site then it's not unreasonable to expect that each of you is going on a number of 'speculative' dates. So splitting it seems fair and manageable. If you met in a more organic way then it would depend on who asked who out. The one who invited should pay.

Lindy2 · 22/09/2019 07:40

If he invited you I would actually expect him to pay, or at least offer to pay it all.
If it was a dinner where you are getting to know each other with a view to potentially becoming a couple, I would also expect him to pay and I would interpret it as him not being partially interested or caring if he didn't.
I've been with my partner many years so it is a long time since I've "dated" as such. However, to me the early dates weren't really about the financial side of things it was more the signals being given off and showing interest and consideration. A bit like a business dinner. The person trying to impress or nurture or thank the client, pays.

BearsOnTheStairs · 22/09/2019 07:40

OP says he asked her out for dinner. That suggests he should pay TBH. That's not sexist, it's courtesy/manners that the asker pays. If she had asked him out for dinner, she should pay.

userabcname · 22/09/2019 07:42

I'd expect to split it.

Original poster
Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 07:45

Rocaille and Martha’s Gin Yard:
He invited by text and asked me to choose as he didn’t know the area but specified what type of food. I gave a couple of choices. One we couldn’t get so he booked the other by phone after looking at both; which were his choice of food)
I’m being honest that I did feel disappointed.
I probably shouldn’t be as, as folk have pointed out it’s 2019. I’d gone to a lot of effort with outfit and hair and it didn’t make me feel special that he wanted to split. Bill came to £52 and he just had a card so I then had to hand him cash which was a bit strange
Anyway , will get slated but just being honest

OP posts:
Original poster
Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 07:47

He is interested as he asked for another date but it did put me off a little bit

OP posts:
VeThings · 22/09/2019 07:51

If you met internet dating, it world get v expensive for him to always treat. I’d expect to go 50/50, not least that it’s clear they won’t have expectations of you from ‘treating’ you.

It was weird to hand him the cash. You know you could have told the waiter you were spitting it and they’d have only put half on his card? We’ve split the bill 6 ways when I’ve been out with friends - never been an issue for the restaurant to take various amounts from cards.

Trenchcoated · 22/09/2019 07:51

What @Coffeeandchocolate9 said. Why does the fact that you made an effort with your appearance mean your date should pay the bill?

funmummy48 · 22/09/2019 07:53

I’d pay so that he didn’t feel I “owed” him anything!

Mermaidsinthesand · 22/09/2019 07:53

OP you too were clearly happy with the restaurant as you suggested that one too him, I'm sure he also went to effort with his clothes too.

I think next date go with the mindset of everything is split, I dont see why at this stage he should fork out for you to have your fill when your both dating others, people arent made of money

AllFourOfThem · 22/09/2019 07:54

You sound quite high maintenance in that you should be rewarded to making an effort by having a free meal. Perhaps he also made an effort so why shouldn’t he be the one who gets a free meal?

I’d offer to split 50/50 and if he accepted, I would let him and say I would pay next time. 🤷🏻‍♀️

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