Who pays on second date( but first dinner date)

[Mountainhare]

Prob will get slated for this but just being honest
Second date - but first dinner date- with guy I like.
I offered ( said “ do you want me to...” when the bill arrived) and he said “ yes let’s split it”
He had asked me out for dinner and I feel quite traditional in that it would be nice if the guy who has asked you pays for the first time you go for dinner. Not every date, just in this situation maybe
Prepared to be slated though... thoughts please?

More traditional in what sense? What other ways do you expect to be treated differently because you're a woman?

DH paid for me on our first date, I paid on our second date, split the bill on dates after that...after about 18 months and living together have a joint account that we pay into so doesn't matter who pays as its shared money still the same 12 years later.

@Rubicon80 Spot on!

OP, you sound really grabby.

So he paid for the first date? In which I case I would have insisted on paying entirely for the second. Especially as he travelled a fair way in order to make it.

I feel fortunate to be financially independent - I have a DH but earn plenty in my own right. It actually gave me a thrill to pay my own way when dating, because I was lucky enough to be able to do so. It was also a handy signal to the man that if the dates progressed further, I expected to be treated as an equal in every respect and that I can hold my own. Had a series of relationships where we both treated the other to things along the way and I never felt anything less than adored or special.

Having someone pay for your meal shouldn't be how you feel valued. The fact he came a way to see you, plus how he treated you on this date and beyond should be enough.

The lack of tipping thing would totally put me off. Unless it's poor service, of course.

* I* think the majority of people are the person they wish they were on Mumsnet.

Sure. I alter my whole persona for the internet. We all do. I don't really have a sense that men and women should be the same, and women should not still be subjected to the values that they lived by 70 years ago. It's all a pretence so I can live my best life here on Mumsnet.

Yes, IT IS 2019, but some of us, do want to date a gentleman not a slovenly male, and wish to be treat like a lady. That DOES NOT mean we’re gold diggers, it means the values we hold, and they hold need to be the same.

Why does offering to pay full make him a gentleman and you a lady, but if he wants to pay half make him a slovenly male?
What are your values? Do you believe that men should carry the financial burden throughout their life? From dating through to marriage? Supporting the family financially? If so, does this mean you believe they should be paid more in order to continue to pay for everything? Because logically you can't expect equal pay for both sexes if one also have to pay for the other.

I’ve got a good career and can afford to pay my way, it’s just that my thoughts are more traditional

Do explain what 'traditions' those are?

I’d gone to a lot of effort with outfit and hair and it didn’t make me feel special that he wanted to split.

You are entitled to want what you want. While this would be huge red flag for many men, there are always some who want to be able to buy a woman's affection. As long as you are clear what they will want for their half of the transaction.

You need to make it obvious in your profile. Refer to yourself as an 'old fashioned girl' who likes to be 'spoilt' and 'looked after'. That should get rid of any time wasters who want to treat you like an equal.

I would want to split it, just like I would if I went to dinner with a friend.

Omg - he doesn't tip!?! DUMP!!

Take MN crazy’s with a pinch of salt.

Yeah, paying for the meal you ate, craaaazy. Where do people get this shit?

If he invites you and chose the restaurant (and its price level) I'd expect him to offer and I'd expect to offer to pay for the next date in a place I'd chosen. If there wasn't going to be one I'd insist on splitting it.

Also what does "treated like a lady" mean? I have never had a date who didn't: text me a lovely message by the time I got home, make efforts to plan a nice date, was considerate in every respect, listened carefully to my opinions and conversation, didn't pressure me into doing anything I didn't want to, treated others around us well, regularly messaged and called (not too regularly), remembered key dates or important presentations I had.

For me, that is being treated like a lady. Not someone splashing his cash. And for what it is worth, I did all the things above for the man I was dating too. But insisted on paying my own way.

Not tipping would put me off more than splitting the bill

@donquixotedelamancha 😂😂😂

*Omg - he doesn't tip!?! DUMP!!

I can see his point. It's a bit odd and regressive that we only tip service staff at posh restaurants.

Tipping for good service is fine but if we all tip by default the industry will end up like the US, which is worse for staff in the long run.

I'm usually in the camp where if they've asked you and chosen the restaurant then they pay. But you'd have to choose & reciprocate the next time.

However, he's already paid for the tickets on the first date and I know you offered to pay but now you've gone on a second date, if you should really be covering your part of it.

The fact he doesn't tip ever sounds pretty awful though and that alone would put me off him.

I do get the making an effort with your appearance aspect BUT only if he hadn't made an effort to look nice/well-groomed/smell nice etc. It's not nice being all glammed up when they're sat there looking quite scruffy. Kinda takes the edge off the occasion.

I would always split it until I thought the dates were going to turn into something more. Surely you’re going on dates to get to know someone to see if you click, rather than charging for your time.

You say you’re traditional and old fashioned so yo like being paid for, are you also up for the other bits of old fashioned that aren’t traditional, doing all the cleaning, all the cooking, being given a tiny amount of house keeping? Thought not.

If I went on a date with someone who wasn’t happy about paying their own way I wouldn’t want to see them again.

I’ve taught my son that if a date doesn’t offer to pay half and expects him to pay to not ask for another date. I hate how men are seen as cashpoints. Likewise my daughter doesn’t expect to be paid for as it’s 2019 not 1950.

As for the hair and clothes comment, words fail me. Surely that’s just part of going out and has no bearing on who pays whatsoever. Seems very shallow.

I've commented on your other thread but will repeat here. Take some time to work on yourself before dating again. You have no boundaries and your self worth is tied up in a man paying for you. Red flags on both sides.

He didn’t want to leave a tip as he says he doesn’t tip but we agreed to make it up to a round number as the service was fairly good
I would dump him for that attitude. It shows a mean spirit.

If he did pay to make you feel special what would you of given to him in return so he feels special?

Oh do RTFT @Ohbuggerlugs, this was the second date and he paid for the tickets on the first date.
Seems entirely reasonable to split the bill.

I am 30 but would expect the date to pay on the first night- even with the polite offer!!

"not tipping shows a mean attitude?"
I've argued, and others here agree, that making tipping routine will do more harm than good long term. And you're not there to pay the waiter's wages.