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Original poster

Who pays on second date( but first dinner date)

482 replies

Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 07:03

Prob will get slated for this but just being honest
Second date - but first dinner date- with guy I like.
I offered ( said “ do you want me to...” when the bill arrived) and he said “ yes let’s split it”
He had asked me out for dinner and I feel quite traditional in that it would be nice if the guy who has asked you pays for the first time you go for dinner. Not every date, just in this situation maybe
Prepared to be slated though... thoughts please?

OP posts:
PennysPocket · 22/09/2019 07:56

You are not being slated OP.

Most just don't understand why you have and expectation that because you dressed up nice and he's a man he should pay to make you feel special.

Original poster
Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 07:56

We met in ‘ real life ‘ and not internet dating
The only reason it was cash I handed him was because I had withdrawn cash the day before and taken that instead of my card...

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 22/09/2019 07:57

Op I get it

Remember it well from OLD years ago.

Remember one potential beau who scrabbled around about who'd eaten what, I was just mortified so left well more than half the bill and wanted to run away.

I'm quite happy to admit that it would put me off too. I invited my Dp of 12 years out for lunch last week. Beautiful pub reopened, my choice. I paid.

I think these early dates show many a true colour. I also remember one who tried to take the fiver I'd left as a tip and say 'oh, just leave a couple of pounds the service wasn't the best'Sad

'Next'....

MarthasGinYard · 22/09/2019 07:59

Sorry just noticed not an OLD.

Do you like him Op what did you do on first date?

NameChange84 · 22/09/2019 08:00

I'd always assume the bill was going to be split and I would take my purse out as soon as the bill arrived. To be perfectly honest, I'm really uncomfortable being paid for.

However, there are some places I know I just couldn't afford for dinner on my current wage. If he suggested an expensive restaurant, especially for an early date, I'd have to be honest and say it was outside of my budget. If he insisted on going and said it was his treat then I would attend but I'd cover the drinks and/or say next date was on me.

I know a woman who is an exercise instructor and earns very little, just enough to cover her modest one bed flat and her dog. She had a man do a big plumbing job in her home over a few days and he seemed really lovely, respectful, kind etc. She was in her early 40s and had been single for a very long time and quite lonely. Long story short they ended up going on a coffee date which came to about £10 total. She offered to pay and he insisted making a huge grand gesture of paying. It had been a brilliant date and she felt so positive. He took her hand and told her what a lovely time he'd and for the next date he wanted to take her someplace really special and suggested a really upmarket restaurant. He insinuated it was his treat and said she deserved to go out someplace lovely and said she could get all dressed up etc.

At the end of that date the bill came to about £250. She waited for him to pay and he just stared at her. She said 'oh, are we splitting it?" and he said, "well I paid for the last date so it's your turn to pay." She thought he was joking and offered to pay half (even though she couldn't really afford half either) but he was adamant he wouldn't pay and said something along the lines of "Oh c'mon, I've had such a lovely time. Let's not ruin it by making me feel taken advantage of." She paid for the whole thing on an emergency credit card. She was so upset as I think she'd been thinking he could be the one up until then. The dinner cost more than her weekly wage I'd imagine.

Anyway, her story made me realise that I'd hate to be put in that situation too so that's why I'd a) never go anywhere outside of my budget on an early date and b) explain beforehand if I'd struggle to cover my half and suggest an alternative venue.

MarthasGinYard · 22/09/2019 08:02
Shock
dudsville · 22/09/2019 08:02

You made yourself look pretty for him and he didn't reciprocate by buying your food in thanks.

You describe this as getting slated. What a lot of us are trying to help you see is that this kind of transaction is unhealthy and out of date.

Original poster
Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 08:03

To me it just feels a bit cringey in that if I was a guy asking a girl out to dinner on a second date, there’s no way I’d let her pay on a second date( and first dinner date)
Think I’m definitely in the minority with how I’m thinking though.
He didn’t want to leave a tip as he says he doesn’t tip but we agreed to make it up to a round number as the service was fairly good

OP posts:
WillowSummerSloth · 22/09/2019 08:04

To me it sets the tone for the potential future relationship. If you are happy to be in very traditional roles and are prepared to run a household, put your career second etc. then by all means accept his offer to pay or seek men out that do pay. If you want to be be equals, then stump up.

MarthasGinYard · 22/09/2019 08:05

'He didn’t want to leave a tip as he says he doesn’t tip'

See, that would also put me off.

Realise I'm probably on my own with that though.

NameChange84 · 22/09/2019 08:06

On the tipping alone I wouldn't see him again. That's not nice at all.

Bodicea · 22/09/2019 08:06

Depend what you did on the first date, if that was expensive too. I would be put off on the first date if a guy didn’t pay. Thinking back to dh first date was dinner and he paid. Second date was more informal dinner and cinema. I paid for the cinema tickets and drinks in cinema. So yeah on a second date I guess I am happy to split. But as it’s you proper first dinner, in all honesty I would be a bit disappointed but wouldn’t be a total deal breaker.

NameChange84 · 22/09/2019 08:07

Lol not on your own Martha. I always look to see how people treat those in the service industry as I think it shows how they are likely to treat you in future. Not tipping seems mean in both senses of the word.

Original poster
Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 08:09

Re the tipping, he said he never tips as he doesn’t agree with it but he didn’t want to offend me so was happy to do what I wanted re the tip
( which was part of half each of the total we paid if that makes sense)

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/09/2019 08:10

I say that whoever does the asking does the paying to begin with. Later, either take it in turns or split each bill.

AgentJohnson · 22/09/2019 08:11

I agree that your liking of tradition is probably quite selective. The very idea that because you’re a woman, spending time and effort for on your appearance entitles you to compensation is ridiculous. The 1950s want your arse back.

SherbetSaucer · 22/09/2019 08:12

It’s not the 1950s!! The idea of the man paying is very outdated! Pay your own way!! Besides you may not be the only person he has been on a date with. Like a like a lot of people if he is going on multiple dates with different woman to find someone he likes, it’d be very expensive to pay for several dinners a week!

KatherineJaneway · 22/09/2019 08:12

The fact he 'doesn't tip' would be a deal breaker for me personally. That coupled with not paying, means I wouldn't see him again.

I can pay my own way but I can't abide people who are tight with money when there is no need to be so I'd want him to pay for dinner so I knew he wasn't like that.

surlycurly · 22/09/2019 08:13

The tipping thing would put me off. The bill splitting wouldn't. But your attitude about making an effort with your appearance for your date therefore entitling you to a paid dinner makes me shudder. Ever heard of feminism?

Bodicea · 22/09/2019 08:14

Not everyone agrees with the principal of tipping. I don’t as I worked in care homes for minimum wage in the past and resent tipping waiting staff who have,as far as I can see, a cushier job. I do tip due to peer pressure but I have a friend who refuses for the same reasons and respect her for sticking to her guns. He might just have principles about it. We all have our quirks. Still not a deal breaker until you get to know him.

Original poster
Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 08:14

Re the first date, he paid for tickets( about £20 ish each although I did offer) I got some drinks.
With the second date, it makes me think of a guy I saw before who was mean but I kept seeing him for some more dates but eventually I was put off although for many other reasons too

OP posts:
NameChange84 · 22/09/2019 08:15

Your update doesn't reflect him in a more positive light. Based on that bill it would have been between 2.50 and 4 quid each!

NameChange84 · 22/09/2019 08:15

Have you got another thread going under a different name as this is sounding very familiar?

MarthasGinYard · 22/09/2019 08:16

Actually I kind of get the appearance thing too.

I remember non tipping bill scrabbler was bald and hadn't polished his shoes. Must have taken him 3 minutes to get ready.

Felt quite miffed I'd spent an age blow drying and getting myself looking nice.

Don't give a monkeys either if that's very 1950's

Elodie2019 · 22/09/2019 08:17

You spilt it.
Men I barely knew offering to pay gave me the creeps back in the day.

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