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Original poster

Who pays on second date( but first dinner date)

482 replies

Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 07:03

Prob will get slated for this but just being honest
Second date - but first dinner date- with guy I like.
I offered ( said “ do you want me to...” when the bill arrived) and he said “ yes let’s split it”
He had asked me out for dinner and I feel quite traditional in that it would be nice if the guy who has asked you pays for the first time you go for dinner. Not every date, just in this situation maybe
Prepared to be slated though... thoughts please?

OP posts:
BitchyArriver · 22/09/2019 09:39

I think he sounds tight as fuck, and I wouldn’t think he was a gentleman either. OP I’m with you.

SherbetSaucer · 22/09/2019 09:41

@BitchyArriver I think he sounds tight as fuck, and I wouldn’t think he was a gentleman either. OP I’m with you

He paid £40 worth of tickets for the first date! If anything OP should have offered to pay for dinner on the second date and he cover dessert or drinks or something.

joblotbubble · 22/09/2019 09:43

It's worrying that in this day and age there are still women about who thinks the criteria for being a gentleman is paying for dinner.

Drag your arses into the real word fgs

SherbetSaucer · 22/09/2019 09:45

@Mountainhare I wonder if you also conform to the outdated expectation that a woman owes a man sex after he’s paid for dinner?

crimsonlake · 22/09/2019 09:47

If he invited you out I also would expect him to pay and like you would be somewhat disappointed, especially having to hand over cash to him at the table.
Perhaps it depends on his financial situation...I do not mind taking turns paying, but always feel uncomfortable when the bill comes around. To me there is nothing worse than an ungenerous person, does not bode well.

SherbetSaucer · 22/09/2019 09:49

@crimsonlake To me there is nothing worse than an ungenerous person, does not bode well

Ungenerous? You mean like OP who in two dates only expected to pay for a couple of rounds of drinks?

twirlypoo · 22/09/2019 09:50

Ahhh i know I’ll get my arse handed to me, but I’m with you op. Even with my friends we rarely split the bill, we just take it roughly in turns to get the whole thing. I also agree with those that say it’s a bit like a business transaction at this point, the client doing the chasing wants to impress and gets the bill. Oh, and the tipping would be the final nail in the coffin for me, it’s just mean!

Original poster
Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 09:52

crimsonlake- he definitely isn’t in a difficult financial situation and I liked him prior to knowing his job etc. I also have a good career.
As I said, he got tickets on first date which were over £20ish each and I got drinks
I know what everyone is saying about the second date, but I can’t help the feeling that it did put me off a bit

OP posts:
Scott72 · 22/09/2019 09:55

:If he invited you out I also would expect him to pay"
Lets face it, its the man who asks the woman out for the first few dates in the great majority of cases. So this is just a round about way of saying "the man always pays for the first few dates"

"always feel uncomfortable when the bill comes around"
So you feel uncomfortable whenever you have to pay? Haha, we all do.

Zaphodsotherhead · 22/09/2019 09:57

Paying for dates is no indication of how a man will spend his money. Like a pp, my XP insisted on paying for a posh meal for second date. After that you could hear his wallet squeak when he opened it, and I had to pay if I wanted to get coffee when we were out anywhere, or food, or train tickets or...well, anything.

Generous on dates does not mean a generous nature. It means he thinks he's investing his money wisely in a potential woman.

whitebowls · 22/09/2019 09:57

I agree with you, OP.
Not tipping though would be a turn off for me. Just shows a lack of generosity.

Original poster
Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 09:59

Scott72- can you confirm from a male perspective- in your opinion should he pay for dates 1 and 2 if he’s done the asking?

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 22/09/2019 10:00

I always offer to pay half. But honestly and truthfully I really like it if the man pays. I realise this makes no sense in 2019. But it's just such a nice feeling for me that someone wants to treat me to a nice meal. With the last few men I've seen they have paid for meals out. I usually leave the tip and pay for a round or 2 of drinks.

Two have earned a lot more than me. One earns less but has less outgoings. One man did split the bill despite earning more than me and bragging about it.

I never feel I owe them anything by accepting a meal. It just feels really lovely to be treated. Especially as a single mum with no financial support meals out are something I can't afford to do often.

Sigh81 · 22/09/2019 10:01

Slightly off topic, but I think the really wealthy men keep a careful eye out for women who don't pay their own way while daring and then avoid them. After all, they saw the previous generation burnt too often.

I earn just into the 6 figures, but DH earns several times more than me. He has always said he admires my independent streak and the fact that I didn't, unlike some of his earlier dates, seem to expect that he would pay for everything. Having said that, he is an incredibly generous man and DH (but then I like to think I am generous to him too!).

We're in our early/mid 30s and thinking about our friends and the wealthy men in particular, they are all with driven women who are pretty outspoken about equality and financial independence. I know for a fact that several of their wives/partners followed a similar approach to dating to mine when we were all in our 20s.

crimsonlake · 22/09/2019 10:01

Lots of different views on here, the most important one is yours and if it does not feel right for you then that is the most important thing.
I would be interested to know both your ages?

ThatCurlyGirl · 22/09/2019 10:01

@surlycurly put it better than I could.

This kind of thinking really, really doesn't help push us towards equality does it?

In fact it holds us back, giving people the argument that "well they want to be treated differently when it comes to footing the bill."

Thanks for making life a little bit harder for women who want to be equals and teammates in their relationships. Who want to have fun with people they choose to spend time with without adhering to out of date unwritten rules and selective traditionalism.

Original poster
Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 10:02

crimsonlake- in our 40’s

OP posts:
doadeer · 22/09/2019 10:02

I wouldn't go on a second date with a man who didn't tip. Or if they were rude to waiters.

If a man has insisted on paying for dinner, I would take us for a cocktail or say well you must let me take you out next time... Or something like that.

surlycurly · 22/09/2019 10:06

How is the man on a date 'the client doing the chasing'? I'm assuming the OP wants a relationship as much as the date does. This is the kind of attitude that sees women as a prize or an object. I'm absolutely stunned that people can't see this. If any man saw me as a prize then I'd bin him immediately. And I'm not some militant bra burner. I'm just a normal woman that thinks we should all be equal. What a depressing thread.

Original poster
Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 10:07

doadeer- it was second date- he had got £22 ish each concert tickets on first( I did offer)
What do you think?
The 2nd date bill splitting did put me off

OP posts:
surlycurly · 22/09/2019 10:08

Oh and I'm also a single mum who would love a bit more luxury or glamour in my life. But it's not a man's job to provide that. If I want it, I'll have to earn it.

sleepyhead · 22/09/2019 10:12

Seriously?! Can you see no issue with treating dating as a client-provider relationship?

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 22/09/2019 10:12

I'm not sure why you've posted two threads about this guy when you're not talking on board what anyone is saying otherwise you wouldn't have agreed to a third date despite not being sure about him. Hard work indeed. I'd be advising him to run if he was posting here.and you're both in your 40s? 🤦‍♀️

Scott72 · 22/09/2019 10:13

"in your opinion should he pay for dates 1 and 2 if he’s done the asking?"
I don't know, I just think its disingenuous to say "who asks pays" when its still defacto social convention that the man does all the asking out for the first few dates. Or perhaps that's not the case anymore? I'm not sure.

Stuckforlong · 22/09/2019 10:15

I have this debate all the time with friends I still think a second date is too early for the woman to be paying or going halves.
I have male friends who choose this option if it's too early for them to tell how they feel. But I do think offering or paying for drinks is helpful, the fact he put the cash in his pocket means he could afford to pick up the bill