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Original poster

Who pays on second date( but first dinner date)

482 replies

Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 07:03

Prob will get slated for this but just being honest
Second date - but first dinner date- with guy I like.
I offered ( said “ do you want me to...” when the bill arrived) and he said “ yes let’s split it”
He had asked me out for dinner and I feel quite traditional in that it would be nice if the guy who has asked you pays for the first time you go for dinner. Not every date, just in this situation maybe
Prepared to be slated though... thoughts please?

OP posts:
itsmecathycomehome · 22/09/2019 08:36

I work closely with a guy in his 30s who is actively dating, and I think it is a bit of a minefield.

He goes on dates once or twice every week, so it is an expensive business if he's always expected to pay, and I think he is particularly resentful if the date isn't going well or it is obvious that there won't be a second date.

I know he feels that he can't win, because some women are offended if he offers to pay - as presumably it suggests misogyny - and some are offended if he suggests splitting the bill (like op).

My advice was to offer to pay, but to accept if the date offers to split the bill rather than potentially offending her by rejecting her offer. I think that is what your date did, op? You offered, so he accepted.

NameChange84 · 22/09/2019 08:36

If it is you on the other thread then yes you are really "out of touch".

You seem really ok with being "bought" to sit there and look pretty and think you should be paid for your time getting ready. On the other thread it was clear that you had poor boundaries. As you pointed out on the other thread, he was travelling 45 minutes each way to come to very near your home. So he was making some effort too (though, based on the other thread it didn't mean you had to invite him back to yours).

Look, based on everything you've said across both threads you don't really seem to like him much and behaviour wise from him there have been some red flags.

Why are you bothering?

But know if you want to date more men in future then bill splitting is the done thing so I'm afraid you need to get used to it.

Jellybeansincognito · 22/09/2019 08:38

I don’t agree with tipping either, I don’t think not tipping makes you a horrible person.

Look at Japan- such a polite nation and tipping is considered rude.

I understand how you feel about splitting the bill op, but don’t place your value on someone buying you dinner. This guy clearly wants to be your equal.

Ginger1982 · 22/09/2019 08:38

The tipping thing would bother me more than the splitting of the bill.

I wouldn't write him off straight away just because of that though.

joblotbubble · 22/09/2019 08:39

Asking someone out doesn't mean you have to pay for them. That's ridiculous.

Sounds like you need to think more about whether you want to have a straight normal relationship or one of those pathetic relationships where you play games all the time. You already started the nonsense game playing and mind fuck stuff by offering but actually meaning the opposite.

Stop it, grow up, enjoy relationship.

Rubicon80 · 22/09/2019 08:40

I’d gone to a lot of effort with outfit and hair and it didn’t make me feel special that he wanted to split. Bill came to £52 and he just had a card so I then had to hand him cash which was a bit strange

How much do you charge for having made an effort?

Is it a sliding scale - he pays more if you wear high heels? Less if you have split ends?

itsmecathycomehome · 22/09/2019 08:41

He paid for tickets on the first date? Well then this was your turn, so splitting perfectly reasonable imo.

It makes me cringe that you can only feel 'special' if a man is throwing cash at you.

NameChange84 · 22/09/2019 08:41

And also... you didn't need to hand him the cash. That WAS weird and probably just as awkward for him. You say to the wait staff, "We're splitting the bill. Can you put half on the card and I will pay the rest cash" then hand the cash to the wait staff.

I think it is more respectful and indicates that a man is more likely to see you as an equal if he splits the bill.

However, I think in a country where tipping is the convention, not tipping indicates a mean streak.

Rubicon80 · 22/09/2019 08:41

just a quick note that he can definitely afford it. He’s not in a low paid job or line of work

You wouldn't have been there if he was.

ZenNudist · 22/09/2019 08:44

Splitting bill is fair but if he paid tickets on the last date Id have insisted on paying this time. Maybe make up for it by treating him next time.

Biancadelrioisback · 22/09/2019 08:45

What did you do to make him feel special?

Croquembou · 22/09/2019 08:45

I don't like to split bills but only because I think it means noone has been treated. As he'd paid for Date 1, I'd be buying dinner on Date 2.

Unless it was all a disaster and there was no Date 2 then obviously I'd split.

Unlesssss it was such a disaster, that I hated the other person and wanted them to pay as punishment for being such a terrible person. But that is a different story.

Original poster
Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 08:46

Rubicon80- that’s harsh, I actually liked him before I found out what he did as a job

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 22/09/2019 08:46

Why on earth would anyone go out without a card?
Look on each date SONEONE has to ask the other out, else you have a stalemate. Doesn't mean that person then has to pay the whole lot.

Yogdog · 22/09/2019 08:47

I wouldn't see someone again who didnt accept paying halves. Simply wouldnt accept a date if I wasn't willing to pay for the food and drinks I had. If I was invited somewhere I couldnt afford I would assume the bloke was either showing off (gross, no thanks) or wealthy (relative to me). Both would call for the date to be cancelled anyway. I dont have faith in any relationship where there is gross inequality of resources or a "romantic" or "traditional" man involved.

Once you know someone better I think it then becomes fair to take dates in turns. And, if one party has a little more than the other some nights, to accept the odd "gift" (eg maybe they buy the odd extra round, etc). As long as things are basically coming down quite evenly and fairly.

surlycurly · 22/09/2019 08:48

Good point @Biancadelrioisback. OP?

msmith501 · 22/09/2019 08:49

What a sad post in so many ways. The notion that you didn't feel as special due to being asked to pay your way is frankly ridiculous. The idea that you would want your date to spend more than you to have a good evening shows total disrespect in my book - why should he be more out of pocket than you? Imagine the situation reversed... how special would his evening have been if you hadn't paid for it or at least half of it? Surely the point about the date is that the time together, the conversation, the growing to know someone is what is actually important - the meal is just something to do in the background and if you both enjoyed it, it's a small joint investment and (if you share the cost), indicates that you don't take other people for granted and have mutual respect. And before anyone asks, I'm 54 and have always gone halves or taken my turns with people I know I'll see again - no different to buying a round in a pub.

Scott72 · 22/09/2019 08:50

"Asking someone out doesn't mean you have to pay for them. That's ridiculous."

If men and women asked each other out equally it would be be okay. But the problem is men are still expected to do the great majority of the asking out, at least until a relationship has been established.

And once tipping becomes de-facto mandatory, as it is in the US, you risk winding up in a situation where a minority of young, good, looking, outgoing staff can make a lot from tips and everyone else is really struggling.

ThingsImighthavedone · 22/09/2019 08:52

Always split it. The days when a man paid were based on the fact women only worked till they married.

Twinkles72 · 22/09/2019 08:52

I'd split it happily but never go out with him again.

dudsville · 22/09/2019 08:53

What would life be like for you if you could be made to feel special by something to do with his appreciation of the qualities of your character as opposed to his displays of money?

Rubicon80 · 22/09/2019 08:53

Rubicon80- that’s harsh, I actually liked him before I found out what he did as a job

But now you know what he does, you've spotted the "trophy girlfriend" opportunity.

Only it turns out that he doesn't do things that way. I can see why you're disappointed.

Don't worry. There are plenty of men out there who DO see it that way and who WILL pay in exchange for you dolling yourself up.

Of course they're retrogressive misogynists who will consider themselves permanently superior to you but hey,small price for not paying 26 quid for your own dinner, eh.

Biancadelrioisback · 22/09/2019 08:59

Also, why should he pay? How does it make him tight to not offer to pay for the full thing but not you? Were you being tight by only offering to pay half? Maybe he's put off a bit because he thought you were a bit entitled?

Absolutely doesn't matter who earns what, you tailor your date so you can both afford it.

Original poster
Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 08:59

Rubicon80- I’ve got a good career and can afford to pay my way, it’s just that my thoughts are more traditional
As I said a few times, I was prepared to be slated but am only being honest
In definitely understanding now that the majority think bills should be split

OP posts:
Ohbuggerlugs · 22/09/2019 08:59

I get it OP. Take MN crazy’s with a pinch of salt. I think the majority of people are the person they wish they were on Mumsnet. Though on dates I’m not particularly bothered about, I have paid or paid half (because I do not want to really see them again, or might - but not for a relationship) but when I’ve really liked the guy (my gentleman DP with the same values as me) I would like to think he would have paid. Yes, IT IS 2019, but some of us, do want to date a gentleman not a slovenly male, and wish to be treat like a lady. That DOES NOT mean we’re gold diggers, it means the values we hold, and they hold need to be the same.

If you do like thin, go on a second date, but for me, YUCK.

Courtesy bow to you all. (🙄)

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