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Original poster

Who pays on second date( but first dinner date)

482 replies

Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 07:03

Prob will get slated for this but just being honest
Second date - but first dinner date- with guy I like.
I offered ( said “ do you want me to...” when the bill arrived) and he said “ yes let’s split it”
He had asked me out for dinner and I feel quite traditional in that it would be nice if the guy who has asked you pays for the first time you go for dinner. Not every date, just in this situation maybe
Prepared to be slated though... thoughts please?

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 22/09/2019 08:18

You don’t actually sound like you like him much anyway.

cornplant · 22/09/2019 08:20

I'm a PA and I think dating is the same as business lunches and dinners whereby the inviter should pay for the invitee. The inviter should choose the venue if they would like to.

The inviter and invitee should swap roles regularly to make sure it works out to be 'fair' in the end.

MarthasGinYard · 22/09/2019 08:20

Hhhhmmmm

As he paid for tickets for date one I'd have actually not been too put off by splitting on date two Op🤔

Original poster
Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 08:20

I get what people are saying about the 1950s and appearance effort etc but I’m being honest that if I’ve got dressed up and am excited to go on a date with someone who has asked me out, I don’t feel very special when they then want to split the bill.
Even more so the strangeness of handing a guy cash over the table( as I had brought cash not card) and then he pays the whole thing on his card after me handing him cash and he popping it in his pocket

OP posts:
paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 22/09/2019 08:21

Last dated in the 90s but everything was always split, unless a one off 'can't afford it' thing.

But not tipping as a rule would have me running for the hills.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 22/09/2019 08:21

OP I am with you. I would offer to pay half on a first/second date but if the man insisted on paying that would earn him massive brownie points. If we split the bill it would be a turn off for me. I am well aware it is 2019.

For the record, I have always worked and had my own money so not after a free meal. For me it would be a sign of how he treats a woman in a relationship. I hate 50/50 divisions, it's either we take turns to pay the whole bill (if we are dating) or decide who covers what bill (if we are in a relationship, living together, etc.)

FizzyPink · 22/09/2019 08:22

I know this is an unpopular opinion on here but if a man likes you enough to ask you to a second date and presumably it went well I’d think less of him for not paying.
Even if he said “I’ll get this, you can get the next one” inferring he’d like to see you again. But I also have issues with splitting bills, I just find it very awkward. However I’ve also only really dated guys who earn a similar amount to me so it may well be that he couldn’t afford to pay the whole bill (in which case I think he should have chosen a cheaper restaurant or suggested something else!)

WheelDecide · 22/09/2019 08:22

Re the tipping, he said he never tips as he doesn’t agree with it but he didn’t want to offend me so was happy to do what I wanted re the tip

Listen to your gut. He's telling you he's not a nice person so don't go out again.

Elodie2019 · 22/09/2019 08:23

I’d gone to a lot of effort with outfit and hair and it didn’t make me feel special that he wanted to split. Bill came to £52 and he just had a card so I then had to hand him cash which was a bit strange

Really? I've never done your kind of dating.
We always went out to get to know each other, had fun & paid our own way. He owes you bugger all at this point. Why should he pay? He barely knows you! It really doesn't matter how much effort you went to with your hair. Hmm

MarthasGinYard · 22/09/2019 08:23

'Even more so the strangeness of handing a guy cash over the table( as I had brought cash not card) and then he pays the whole thing on his card after me handing him cash and he popping it in his pocket'

Now that I wouldn't like.

If he wanted to split. Halve bill. He pays half on card. you pay half cash.

Him taking the cash

Eeeeuuuuu

RuffleCrow · 22/09/2019 08:24

Oh gosh - always split the bill!

'Traditional' = a man essentially paying you for your time/services. Sorry but that's the transactional nature of 'traditional' heterosexuality that feminists have spent 100s of years trying to get away from.

It's a new relationship, why would you want to start it off feeling like you're in his debt?/ owe him something? It's different if you've been together a while and he wants to treat you on your birthday - then you can do the same for him. Or if you've been together a while and you take it in turns to pay.

Ime love and money should be kept as separate as possible.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 22/09/2019 08:24

The bill splitting - not an issue. Pay your own way in life and don't see relationships between men and women in such a transactional way ("I made an effort to look pretty - my job as a woman and a sex object - and therefore he pays - his job as a man and a provider").

However, the tipping would be the deal breaker for me because it shows a deeply unattractive side to him. I'm with Tim Minchin on this:

"Respect People With Less Power Than You.
I have, in the past, made important decisions about people I work with – agents and producers – based largely on how they treat wait staff in restaurants. I don’t care if you’re the most powerful cat in the room, I will judge you on how you treat the least powerful. So there."

Puddypuddy · 22/09/2019 08:25

I would have been disappointed too!He suggested the meal & it was only your second date!!
When I met my now husband he paid for the first meal and then I suggested we go halves after that.He was always very generous.

magoria · 22/09/2019 08:25

So he paid most of the first date and you expected him to pay the second as well!

Depending on the meal I would have offered to pay it all in that case as he paid first time.

GorkyMcPorky · 22/09/2019 08:26

OP you obviously think he's right so don't see him again. He wouldn't be interested in a woman who doesn't want to pay her own way either. Do yourselves a favour.

YABU.

GorkyMcPorky · 22/09/2019 08:27

tight. You obviously think he's tight!

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/09/2019 08:29

He paid for tickets and you paid for drinks. I imagine the drinks Bill was a lot less than £40. In this context, going halves was more than fair. Not leaving a tip otoh would put me off.

Scott72 · 22/09/2019 08:30

I don't believe in tipping either. Look at America to see what happens once tipping becomes commonplace. Of course if I visited America I would tip, because restaurant and other service staff are paid well below minimum wage and expected to make up the difference with tips.

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 22/09/2019 08:30

There would be no 3rd date for me if the guy did that, he doesn't think you are worth trying to impress it seems! I'd be happy to split if I didn't intend on seeing him again.

Elodie2019 · 22/09/2019 08:31

I missed that he paid £40 for two tickets on the first date.
In that case, second date should have been your turn.
At least you blew the moths from your purse and payed your way on the second date.
Would have been nice if you had treated him to the meal but too late now I guess.

Original poster
Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 08:32

GorkyMcPorky- I know, just reminds me of a tight guy I dated some years ago and I kept dating him but it did eventually put me off.
This guy did pay for the £20 tickets on the first date though and as I said, I offered. I got the drinks that night
Yes realise I’m going against the grain though as the dinner thing put me off.

OP posts:
surlycurly · 22/09/2019 08:33

I get what people are saying about the 1950s and appearance effort etc but I’m being honest that if I’ve got dressed up and am excited to go on a date with someone who has asked me out, I don’t feel very special when they then want to split the bill.

May my daughter never read this. Dress nicely for yourself. Feel 'special' because another human being was interested enough in you to give up their time to go out with you and give you their undivided attention. Don't put value on yourself by how much they were prepared to spend on you. And being made to feel 'special' (by a guy you've been out with twice) by him effectively paying for the honour of your company (and the fact that you've blow dried your hair for the occasion) is the craziest thing I've ever heard. He owes you nothing. He's lucky you didn't want to see him again as he'd spend the rest of time he was with you trying to please you and make you feel 'special' enough. I suggest you do it yourself.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 22/09/2019 08:34

I would always have my card with me as the cash thing is, as you say, a bit weird. It's nice to treat someone you care about, but in the early days of dating then splitting the bill is more practical. I would always rather pay for too much than owe anyone anything

Elodie2019 · 22/09/2019 08:35

Very wise words indeed from surly.

Original poster
Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 08:35

Turnedouttoes- just a quick note that he can definitely afford it. He’s not in a low paid job or line of work

OP posts: