Dh just looks bored and irritated most evenings

[lolaflores]

Dh has a long commute round the M25...the seventh circle of hell.
But, he likes his job and isn't prepared to change right at the moment but its not out of the question currently. 9 times out of 10 he gets home past 8. He leaves around 5.30am. thats a long day. His job is stressful and technical and pressurized. The commute home is never straightforwards.
Most evenings we have about 40 mins to an hour having a bit of a chat and a catch up...after about 30 mins of a chat he just zones out. Looks bored then down right irritated.
He is looking at me but is frankly blank and I get peevish back.
Last night I was talking about what was going on in the appeals about Brexit...not an opinion...just how difficult the language was to follow and what was going on, how much work had gone into preparing both sides.
I paraphrased a bit of it, just to illustrate what I meant and he made this really sarcastic, can't be fucked, remark back. Dismissed me completely. I didn't want an indepth discussion about anyting, it was an observation. At which point I said I needed to have a shower and left him to decompress. I didn't think the conversation was heavy going, and i wasn't moaning or complaining...I was just remarking.
He could see i was annoyed, said he'd thought it was only a funny remark, why was i getting the arse.
Most evenings end like this nowadays.
He wears an expression of barely concealed disinterest and he is itching to get into the front room, shut the door and have a drink. Not loads. not pissed, just his two carefully measured vodkas.
Weekends he is a bit better but during the week we just about civil to one another.
he isn't home for dinner during the week ever.
he sees DD for 15 minutes...if that.
He wants to be the victim though and I get to play the tyrant.
All I want is someone who can tolerate me and he isn't it right now.
Its like living with a piece of wood at the moment

It's hard I know. My husband has quite a long trip into work. He does longer days now so home even later. Eats late maybe watch something on Netflix then bed. Not much conversation and doesn't take in what I say.

I’ll be honest, if somebody talks to me about Brexit then I’m not interested. Do you do that a lot? It’s frustrating when you just want to relax and someone is in your ear imparting facts about whatever shit they seem to be important. It’s like verbal domination/bullying in a way. I have a friend who does this. It’s draining. He’s had a long stressful day. Leave him alone maybe? Or just sit and cuddle and keep quiet. Are you one of those who has to fill every silence? I personally couldn’t live with someone like you. Just my opinion. If you need conversation then why don’t you go out as soon as he gets home? Go to book club, stitch and bitch, yoga, evening class whatever to get a chat fix. Then he gets alone time and you get stimulation

Can I give you advice which I wish I could have given myself?

Please, please please leave him alone. He is exhausted. He literally has nothing to give.

Meet him at the door with a drink, be kind, give him supper and be a safe haven. Don't build up your resentment. It ends very badly. Just reconnect at the weekends.

However old fashioned and step ford that sounds, its the truth. My husband eventually burned out, got hugely depressed, decided I was the problem and felt alive through an affair. I wish I could have done things different.

I disagree, @nobodynobody! If you're not talking about Brexit this week of all weeks, then what the hell are you talking about?!

The last thing I'd want to hear after a day starting at stupid o'clock and going on until nearly bedtime is a half hour of fucking Brexit.

Find somebody else to discuss politics with and let him decompress/chat about nice things for ten minutes and then just relax.

Sounds like he is exhausted.
I'd just leave him be.

Do you work?
Can you move closer to his work?

A commute like that is physically and mentally damaging after awhile.

To be fair I wouldn't want a 40-60 minute chat after a long day and commute like that! Too full on - can't you chill with something on the tv and chat as well, while he has his drink.

Sounds like he is mega stressed out. Long commute, long hours, intense mental pressure. I would keep an eye on him for signs of a breakdown.

Maybe buy him a voucher for a hot stone massage or something with a nice little note in the card.

Or Friday night, cook his favourite dish, run him a hot bath and offer to do a back massage for him.

Commuting is hell. And it could be work is extra stressful. I can relate to being a vegetable sometimes and having zero ability to converse.

@nobodynobody bit harsh! I think the point she's trying to make is his job/journey takes a lot of his time and when he's at home, he's tired, disinterested (regardless of the topic), easily irritated and in my opinion boring. Why should she go out when he gets home? What kind of relationship would that be? 🤷‍♀️

It's too heavy after that kind of a day. You might be itching for adult conversation but he just wants to unwind. Save it for the weekend and keep it light during the week. It's not like Brexit is going to be off the table anytime soon unfortunately.

@ScreamingLadySutch and you're blaming yourself for his affair?! If he had the time and balls to have an affair, he should have had the time to spend with you or the balls to end his relationship. You really don't deserve to own the blame for his affair.

I agree that it doesn;t have to be Stepford-wifey to just help him unwind. Run him a bath, give him a drink and make food he loves, then get him to watch something on TV with you. That's all most people do on weeknights. And it's what DH does for me if I'm wokring in London and zonked by the commute. (He nearly always works from home.)

But at weekends, once he's had a lie in, I think you can be a bit more direct. He shouldn't get into the habit of reacting in a dismissive and irritated tone with you. Challenge him gently on it. No need for a row, but no harm in saying you find his dismissive irritation demoralising and you think the pair of you deserve to have a lot more fun together.

I'd maybe also organise a good night out - a band you both love or a comedy night, a get together with lively friends or tickets to a show. Something which is a positive shared experience.

I would just let him decompress first, then maybe he will be more open to conversation. He may well be dreading the onslaught when he gets home

I understand that you feel hurt but the poor bugger must be exhausted and ready to crack. Brexit is the last thing anyone wants to hear about. And he probably heard the news on the radio anyway. Keep it light when he gets in, give him space to relax and enjoy a vodka with him. Just imagine if the roles were reversed...

Wow that is one long day - he must be exhausted. Sorry but I think you need to give him a bit of space on weekdays at least. It's easy to build up resentment from both sides (give me some company / leave me alone!) that will spill over to the weekend.

I do similar ish hours (6am to about 7/8pm), but without the hellish drive (I take the train). Honestly, except for talking to coordinate getting 2 dc to bed, I barely talk to my dh during the week. We have a chat before bed once we’ve both decompressed a bit. We save the ranting about Brexit for the weekends when we can relax and not think about work. I think that sounds to be expected for someone who works a long day (I love my job but it’s still tough some days). But find ways to carve out time on the weekends or days off for connection when you can both actually relax.

I don’t do anything like those hours or a nightmare commute and I couldn’t cope with a 40-60 minute conversation straight in from work in the evenings. I just couldn’t. I need to breathe and just be in my own head for a while.

Can’t you just leave him be and let him come to you when he’s unwound?

Two vodkas a night? Bet they are not small ones. How many units is that? Is this the problem? He's just wanting his alcohol and you are delaying it with your attempts at conversation?

Is there any intimacy in your marriage? I would find it next to impossible to get in the mood if I had little else but a bored expression and lack of any banter every evening.

Ok...mix him a martini. Foot rub. Stay silent.
21st century?
I don't droan on about Brexit endlessly...it was an observation.
Mostly, I ask how his day was.
He moans.
thats it.
I have kept food warm for him but he now says not to bother.
I am far from a person who has to fill every silence but neither am I a Carmelite nun living in seclusion.
And if I don't speak at all? We become people who happen to live in the same house, would that not be the outcome.

After a day like he has, I would tell you to leave me alone. the last thing I would want is to hear anything heavy and would find you insufferable. hes obviously not there for dinner time because of his commute. what do you want him to do about that?

Oh come on. Meet him at the door with a drink, run him a bath? It's not the 1950s.

I'd just ask him what he wants - probably some alone time when he first gets home - so that he can interact with you in a positive way in the evenings. Otherwise he needs to be working from home a bit more or changing job.

I totally get you OP, it’s crushing living with someone who clearly doesn’t have any interest in you or maintaining a relationship. So what if he’s exhausted, 90% of people are exhausted. It doesn’t take much to be KIND to your partner, to show a bit of interest. It’s the undertone of “ your a fucking pain in the arse and I can’t be bothered to make an effort with you” that you’re responding to. I get it, I’ve got the same thing. It’s all in the unspoken love language, of I actually give a shit about you that you’re missing, the lack of connection. Run him a fucking bath. Unbelievable.

I agree with everybody else, it's not you. He's just beyond exhausted and has nothing to give.

During the week I'd recommend you find some other outlets for yourself - obviously it's hard to get out to do a hobby if you have DC, but try calling/Skypeing friends for a chat instead of expecting him to be available.

At the weekends you do need to discuss it, gently but firmly. Take this as a warning sign that he can't go on like this and something has to change. But also make the point that he can't be an arse to you no matter how exhausted he is. Ask what would help and listen. Tell him what you're going to do to get your own needs met without putting pressure on him. And discuss seriously how you can manage the situation longer term - changed job? Move? He negotiates a working pattern with 2 days WFH?

How about just a cuddle on the sofa with him? Watching the news or whatever. Discuss things after hes relaxed a little more.