Dh just looks bored and irritated most evenings

[lolaflores]

Dh has a long commute round the M25...the seventh circle of hell.
But, he likes his job and isn't prepared to change right at the moment but its not out of the question currently. 9 times out of 10 he gets home past 8. He leaves around 5.30am. thats a long day. His job is stressful and technical and pressurized. The commute home is never straightforwards.
Most evenings we have about 40 mins to an hour having a bit of a chat and a catch up...after about 30 mins of a chat he just zones out. Looks bored then down right irritated.
He is looking at me but is frankly blank and I get peevish back.
Last night I was talking about what was going on in the appeals about Brexit...not an opinion...just how difficult the language was to follow and what was going on, how much work had gone into preparing both sides.
I paraphrased a bit of it, just to illustrate what I meant and he made this really sarcastic, can't be fucked, remark back. Dismissed me completely. I didn't want an indepth discussion about anyting, it was an observation. At which point I said I needed to have a shower and left him to decompress. I didn't think the conversation was heavy going, and i wasn't moaning or complaining...I was just remarking.
He could see i was annoyed, said he'd thought it was only a funny remark, why was i getting the arse.
Most evenings end like this nowadays.
He wears an expression of barely concealed disinterest and he is itching to get into the front room, shut the door and have a drink. Not loads. not pissed, just his two carefully measured vodkas.
Weekends he is a bit better but during the week we just about civil to one another.
he isn't home for dinner during the week ever.
he sees DD for 15 minutes...if that.
He wants to be the victim though and I get to play the tyrant.
All I want is someone who can tolerate me and he isn't it right now.
Its like living with a piece of wood at the moment

I have been on both sides of this OP. I had 3 DC 4 and under and DH worked whilst I was a SAHM, he used to just sleep when he was home, wouldnt get up in the night, wouldnt help in the house...it was pretty bad for a long time. I worked part time for a little while as we needed the money and he was no better. He didnt have a particularly high stress job but was working long hours. It all came to a head and we almost split up, he ended up moving out for a while. I felt like he was robbing me of the chance to be me by not sharing the demands of the life we chose together.

We decided to give it another go, but with major changes. I went back to uni, re trained and pursued a career whilst he became a SAHP. This is still where we are at now. I do very long hours 5 days a week in a high stress environment and I am on call all weekend. I get ratty at times of course. There are times when I dont want to talk. I just want to be left alone. At first it used to cause problems because he felt, quite rightly as you do, ignored and dismissed . There are a couple of topics DH would like to talk "at" me about for hours, these are not small talk but complex subjects relating to a mutual interest and I do not have the brain space after 12 hours in work. It took a long time to find a compromise, but after many arguments he was honest with me and vice versa. He knows I need a little decompression time in the week when i get home and will let me rant if i need to. We dont do heavy conversation in the week. But at weekend, I do everything around the house, spend time with the children and give him time and attention. In the week if I say I have had a bad day, he knows I need space and gives me it.

Talk to him and come up with a plan that works respecting both of your needs. It is not OK you feel marginalised and it is not OK he is so knackered he has nothing left to give. He should be allowed to have bad days as we all are, but there has to be understanding for you as well.

I do not agree with the pampering him every night, of course after a particularly bad day it would be lovely to have a bath run and a drink poured, but I would actually find it a bit irritating if I was ordered to have a bath, have a foot rub etc etc every night when I got in. Sometimes I just want to collapse on my sofa!

Hope you manage to find some middle ground OP

I haven’t read the whole thread but that would be my worst nightmare getting home to someone like that after such a long day! I don’t think I’d bother coming home at all to be honest! I feel sorry for him. By the sounds of it you need to give him a lot more space.

Who the hell would want to hear someone droning on about Brexit (or anything) when they’ve had a day as long and as stressful as that!!

It's hard. I've been there, working a long day with a long commute and by the end, I really just wanted to be alone.

But that's not sustainable if you have a family. He's not alone and he needs to realise you have needs too. He really needs to think about this situation and how long it can go on for, because indefinitely is not feasible.

So - OP shouldn't talk to her man when he gets home, just smile and be quiet. Or, she should go out when he gets in.

So basically because he works long hours she shouldn't want conversation with her partner and not feel sad he barely sees her or their child.

Are absent relationships akin to flatmates the new thing these days or what? If you're single and work long hours yeah you can collapse in your chair when you get in. When you have a partner it's just not feasible to be like that. Something will give, and it's normally the relationship.

I guess the Stepfords have conveniently chosen to forget OP is doing all the childcare too as he's not there. But maybe to you money is far more important than the relationship and husbands are just there to earn doesn't matter if they're not around. The little woman should be more understanding.

This is like something out of a 1950s Good Wife magazine

I leave the house at 7am and back about 7.30pm with a big commute, so a couple of hours less than your DH.

I don't really want to enter into any huge amount of conversation TBH. Here we get in, we eat, swap a few sentences about how our day has been, watch an hour of TV and go to bed.

Is it ideal? No. But it's how it is, I don't have the energy for anything else on weekdays.

I suspect subconsciously you've chosen someone that mirrors one of your parents (were they emotionally unsupportive etc).

The classic case of picking the opposite of what you need for a long term relationship! Many of us do this tbh.

I hope you are continuing to look after yourself

SherbetSaucer well I nope you are not in a relationship if you feel the way you do. You seem to think any conversation is a burden